bnotb....will it ever be....

Yellow218

Hi Ladies

Before we were ready (Ie when we were students, not married, didn't own our home etc etc) I am sure I did have baby on the brain. I think it was more of a one day (when we are ready) a baby would be lovely, kind of thing.  

Then we started working, got married, bought our home.....if we had a baby now it would be ok, socially acceptable, financially supported and of course loved. But now that we are in that place I really don't want children yet. 

Out of our close friends we were the first to tie the knot. Everyone assumed we would be the first to have children, or at least close to first. Now all of them are having children, three couples are now on their second! We keep in touch with our friends with babies, and love spending time with them and their kiddies.

But when we leave, or they leave, we both look and each other and go 'so and so is so cute/playful/fun but.....nah!". neither of us are getting that 'feeling'. 

Pretty much everytime we see friends with children (or the in laws who are pushy!) we always talk about it afterwards. For all the love and fun that children bring, we can't help see the negatives. 

- less sleep

- one of us has to work less. 

- less disposal income

- inability to do diy (which we love doing, but lets face it when babies/toddlers are around one of you has to ensure the children are safe and happy!)

- less travelling

- children are messy (we are just getting our home how we like it, with nice 'things'. we don't want to spend our time tidying up or having things broken

- the tantrums

Hubby said the other day that he just doesn't think he has the patience to having someone so dependent on him all the time. 

I am not sure whether any of these thoughts will ever change and as time ticks on though i do worry whether we will ever 'feel it' (i.e. broodiness!). and whether we get to our 40s/50s and regret not having children. 

Personally I am happy with my cats right now. 

They are cute, cuddly and give loads of affection. Yet I can feed them quickly and leave them alone the majority of the day without a worry (well maybe i worry a little if they don't come in for their tea!)

chrisnjay05212010

I completely agree with what you are saying.  When DH and I were dating (we met at 16 and 17) we always said one day, some day, we'd have kids.   After 14 years of dating and 4 years of marriage, I have absolutely no desire to have children of my own.  My husband just keeps saying, no, not now, not anytime soon. 

We have a home, a cat and a dog, a Harley that we take trips on.  We are very happy with where are life is at this moment and i cant even envision us bringing kids into the picture. 

People don't seem to understand that i don't hate kids, they are cute and fun to play with but at the end of the day i want to go home to just my husband and my furbabies.  I agree with your husband, I don't think i have the patience to have someone be dependent on me like that, my own DH is more than enough! LOL

Yellow218

Another biker couple!

Hubby has been a biker for years (sports bikes mainly) and I'm just learning. 

We've come up with a 'Nappy List' (UK) as a way to tell everyone we just aren't there yet. Thing is they now always ask wants on the nappy list, surely its getting shorter, can't have much left now. 

Thing is the more we achieve the more I want to put on it.......

dutchgirl76

I feel 99% confident in my decision not to have children. I think the pressure put on women our whole lives to be mothers gives me that 1% guilt more than regret. A lot of comments people make always leave you feeling like you're not doing your job as a woman by not having a kid, at least for me and that's unfair. My husband's family all had children VERY young and a few of them including MIL stayed at home so I don't think they know any other life. They can't imagine a woman traveling and working and being happy not being a mom.

I have a teeny tiny family so I do worry in the back of my mind, what if I end up alone? I don't think that's a good enough reason to have a child, especially one you really don't want. There's no guarantee your children will remain close to where you live when they grow up and I think that's not responsible to assume they will give up their life to take care of you. I think that thought gives me that 1% "well I should have a child" it goes away though.

My husband and I share the same reasons as you, we like having a little bit of disposable income and the freedom to travel. We like to sleep in when we can. We're hoping to start some home improvements in the next year and the idea of a child ruining that scares me (messy) We work pretty much opposite schedules so we know day care will be really hard. His parents live an hour away and I don't want them watching my child (they have health problems and different values.) My dad still works (also lives an hour away) and doesn't want to be full time child care should that opportunity ever come up (that's fair he raised me and my brother he's done enough.) 

We just passed 4 years of marriage and 3 years of living in our house and I'm 32, I feel like I should know by now if I want a child or not. If not now at least have an idea of when it might be "right". I don't get baby fever either, like you a lot of our friends have anywhere from 1 to 3 children, seeing all the pictures and pregnancy announcements on FB doesn't make me want one.

I guess I take it as "if it happens it's meant to be, but I'm not going to try and make it happen"

 

RedWingInCo

Having children is one of the most intimate things a married couple can do. It certainly would change your life in every way, but so did getting married. Every couple needs to be convinced in and of themselves because having children is an "all-in" proposition. Remember, children are the only way that husband and wife leave a legacy together in this world moving forward (understand that I truly believe that relationships not achievements are the only thing that really matter in life). I personally can't imagine life without my two. In fact, there are moments when I wish there were more, but each couple has to make that decision for themselves. Children do bring pain and heartache, but they also bring immeasurable joy as well. Blessings on you!

MEJOHNSO

I'm 30, DH is 32.  We've been married for about 5 and a half years and together for 8.  We don't have children and I go back and forth about wanting one.  There was a time we tried a few years ago, but we had to stop because I was having serious second thoughts.  

I have to say, I totally disagree with you that having children is the only way to leave a legacy.  If DH and I work hard and are successful, even if we have no children when we die, there's the potential to leave a large sum of money to a charity that does good work and will help people indefinitely, long after we are gone.  I think that would be an amazing legacy to leave.

dutchgirl76

We went to two Christmas parties this weekend which really helped seal my decision not to have children. At the first for my husband's job I heard nightmare stories of the wives quiting their jobs or working super hard to change their work schedules around our husbands who have a ridiciulous rotating schedule which includes a rotating night and weekend schedule (civil service) One woman who's a nurse also has to work nights. DH and I don't have parental support closer than an hour and I don't want his parents watching my children (IL's have a lot of health problems)

The second party our friends have a one year old. He's sweet as can be but in the 4 hours we were there I was exhausted and I mainly just played with him or held him on my lap. I can't imagine living my whole life around that. Our poor friend has to wean her child before they leave for a vacation in the early summer since they're not taking the child. That sounds like something I'm just not up for.

I also must agree that there is so much more to life than having a child and we need to stop assuming that women haven't done anything with their lives unless they have a child. I have a lot of issues with my husband's family because they share that mentality. Have a child, don't have one but don't worry what everyone else is doing.

Cindy41710

Nothing wrong with that.  I adore children.  But I can write a book of 1000 reasons why I don't want to have any.  Mess, noise and lack of freedom to do what WE want are right up there at the top of the list. 

I think it's good for those who don't have any, as opposed to having them JUST because everyone else expects them to!