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Help!!! Finding it hard to move past toxic relationship!!!
Okay, I need someone to talk to sense into me. I'm going anon because I know enough to be embarrassed by my feelings and emotions. I am going to be as vague as possible because I truly don't want to give any personal info away, but I really need to vent to someone outside of my circle. And I am asking for blunt, honest advice. Someone smack some sense into me. Lay it straight. I am completely willing to accept all comments, suggestions, and insights. Here we go:
I used to be friends with this girl. Best friends. Let's call her T. We met because our SOs are family members (brothers) and she was dating M. We hit it off immediately. The four of us hung together all the time. She was truly one of my best friends, but even so, I wasn’t immune to sensing that something wasn't “quite right” about her. She was never outright mean, but she lied a lot. Nothing big, but small things. For example, if my SO and I invited them out to dinner, she'd say she couldn't because she had a work commitment, but then would post on Facebook about her going out and doing something different, or later in a conversation would drop in that she went out the night she said she couldn't. Really subtle stuff. And yes, very, very high school. Towards the end of our friendship I started feeling like I was back in high school, because I was catching her in lie after lie, but I felt too embarrassed to call her on it and risk sounding crazy. She was also incredibly immature, prone to tantrums, and really seemed like she had the mindset of a bitchy sixteen year old girl.
So after about a year or so of friendship, it ended over a very silly argument. For my part, I apologized and owned up to my actions: I can be blunt and dismissive, whereas she is vindictive and holds a massive grudge. It basically came down to something really stupid. I needed to move a birthday party location and she freaked out via Facebook. Via Facebook, she said I was this awful person, a “backstabber.” And again, I felt like I was in high school. Mostly, she had decided our friendship was over. I should point out that before that, I had been very helpful when she and her SO entered into a sticky situation—loaned them money, drove thirty minutes out of my way to provide them rides, really bent over backwards for them. I never received a thank you. I don't expect a frickin' parade or anything, but if I loan someone over a grand, I kind of expect a thank you. Also, when T was getting married I threw her a bridal shower out of pocket, a bachelorette party out of pocket. I helped her nonstop. And this is how I was treated a mere MONTH after her wedding. I felt completely used. I let them walk all over me and I'm not even 100% sure why, just that I am, by nature, a people-pleaser, so it's hard for me to say no.
Because I had been so helpful to both this girl and her SO, I was infuriated by her actions. I couldn't believe that after everything I had done, this was how she was treating me. I apologized, but refused to get down on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. I didn't think I needed to. After not getting a response to my apology, I moved on. My SO and his family member's relationship was severely effected by this, as T would not let M even NEAR my SO for almost six months. Eventually my SO could see his family member, but I wasn't allowed anywhere near the house. One time I picked my SO up and asked if I could run in and use their bathroom (as they lived thirty minutes away and I had driven all the way to pick SO up because his car was in the shop) and I was told point blank by M (because T wouldn't even acknowledge me at this point) that T didn't want me in the house, so no. This went on for nearly nine months. I decided to reach out and be the bigger person and apologize again—for the sake of my SO's relationship with M. She accepted and we seemingly started mending things...but here's my biggest fault: I can't forgive and forget. I try. I truly try, but it doesn't always work out. When someone breaks my trust as badly as she did, I simply can't put it behind me. So I distanced myself from her. For her part, T never texted me or made any attempt to make plans or anything like that. It seemed she didn't care either. What really made me decide to end things was, again, such a silly, avoidable thing on her part.
SO and I got engaged. We heard nothing from the couple. Again, not expecting anything, but not even a congratulations was definitely noted by me. We planned on going to a local theme park to celebrate about two months after the engagement. SO finally texted his family member to say that he thought it was kind of rude we didn't hear anything from either of them: not even a simple text. M finally texted me a quick “congrats” and made some small talk. I mentioned we were going to a theme park to celebrate and he said that it was funny, he and T were planning on going to a different, nearby theme park that same weekend. Cool.
Cut to SO and I at the theme park walking around. SO had been texting M on and off throughout the day and he asked him how they were liking this other theme park, one we had not yet ever gone to. M said it was great and was feeding him all these details. Well...then we got in line at one of the rides in the theme park we were in and who do you think we see a little ways up from us? T and M. They weren't at the other theme park like they had been saying, they were at our theme park. At this point, I'm sure many of you are like “Who the fuck cares?” But I was just trying to illustrate again why I couldn't go back to being friends with T. I'm not sure why either or them felt the need to lie and say they were going to a different theme park than they were. I'm assuming they thought my SO and I would want to meet up or spend the day with them. Honestly, we really wouldn't have wanted to. I'm kind of all business when I'm in a theme park and hate going with others besides SO. We have a game plan and being in a group ruins that—neither of us would have wanted another couple to hang around us. Still, even if this couple thought we would have wanted to meet up, they could have just been honest. They could have said they were going to the same park, but wanted a romantic getaway. Believe me, I would have gotten that—SO and I were there celebrating our engagement.
Then one of my family members passed away and I again heard nothing from this couple. That for me was the final nail in the coffin—I just kind of distanced myself so much more. I realized that even expecting a quick "I'm sorry for your loss" or "Congrats on your engagement" was too much to expect from them and didn't want that in my life anymore.
However, here is where I'm kind of asking for advice. I can't seem to get past this irrational annoyance or hatred for T. In the past, I have recognized toxic friendships and moved past them no problem, but for some reason I can't seem to do that here. It's been about six months since I made a mental decision to move on, but I'm having a hard time doing so. A part of me feels like I simply didn't get any closure. I had allowed her to do all of this terrible stuff, but had never once held her accountable for her actions. But at this point I feel like it's too late to even bring up stuff that happened two years ago. So I'm looking for a way to accept an apology I never received and move on.
Another part of me feels like I'm stuck in this never-ending, one-sided competition with her that I can't seem to win. Because our SO are family members, I'm constantly forced to hear updates about them. I just always feel like they're “beating” my SO at this competition we want no part of: SO and I became an official couple? Cute, but T&M got engaged. SO and I moved in together, T&M got married. SO and I got engaged, T&M announced they were having a baby. It just feels like I can never come out on top or “beat them.” And it's funny, because for the longest time, no one in SO's family even liked T. She is so much older than M, she hoards cats, they got together in a really weird situation—SO's mother couldn't even be in the same room as T for the longest time...but then slowly that all changed. And it sometimes drives me crazy that they do all of these wrong things, but still seem to come out on top. Which yes, is unhealthy, and I'd love to advice on how to break these feelings. As it is, I haven't even spoken to T in like...six months or so, but my SO and M talk daily. But I feel like Cady in Mean Girls, where I'm hoping a mutual friend will bring T up so we can gossip, I pray SO's mom will mention T&M so we can gossip, etc. I just hate what this has turned me into.
Does anyone have ANY advice on how to move past this situation? I truly thank anyone who was able to get to the end of this. I'll accept and be open to all comments and insights.
Re: Help!!! Finding it hard to move past toxic relationship!!!
No speech, no apologies, no nothing: just drop out of sight.
She isn't very nice: she lambasted you in what is a public venue? Disgrceful.
For that alone you needed to bid her adieu.
Find another friend who appreciates you for who you are and stop being so needy. With friends like T, who needs enemies?|
That she lies constantly and over little things leads me to believe she's got a problem --- of the emotional variety. Either she's incredibly insecure or she's got another problem. I'm no psychiatrist, but that is my take on it.
As for you: therapy so that you learn how to stand up for yourself. No more Ms. Nice Guy --- nice is great but when it comes to letting people mistreat you, you need to recognize that this person's not worth it and end the relationship immediately.
Thank you again for your reply!
Either way, I decided it was best for me to live my life happily.
You are definitely not in a competition with her, and I'm sure that you're the only one on earth who sees it that way. Everybody progresses through stages of a relationship when it is right for them. Instead of focusing on ways that you feel lagging behind, focus on all of the things that you have to be thankful about. Focus on your blessings, and rejoice over them.I know it's not something that everyone partakes in, but for me, prayer was a big help. Specifically, praying for the ex, and that his future relationships were much happier and healthier than anything that he ever had with me. I still don't want him to be in my life, and I don't want to be in his in the slightest - but desiring for him to be happy has really made it difficult to stay mad at him (and "fake it 'til you make it" can really apply here, because I wasn't truly desiring for him to be happy at first, but now I certainly am). My ex is still very close friends with many of my family members, so like you, I also hear updates on his "progress." Being happy for them is a much better alternative than dwelling on the updates negatively.
You can't just mentally decide that you're over it (as I unfortunately found out as well). You have to actively putting forth an effort to replace negative thoughts or feelings with positive ones. That, and time will help. To help get that feeling of closure, you could write out everything that you want to say to her in a letter, and then don't send it. It can help you feel like you've had a chance to get everything off your chest, without further engaging her. Share it with your husband, if you really want it to be read.