Need some thoughts and opinions on this situation.

SunnyGirl715

Hey nesties!

This is my first post - so I hope that I'm posting this in the right area. I have been married to my hubs for about 2 years now. He's in the military, so we move quite often. We've been moving around together for the last 8 years and I always have a harder time than him with each of the moves. We have no kids and don't plan on having kids for a few years. recently we moved to a new area in the upper midwest. I was excited to come here bc it's a little more normal than the other places that we've ever lived in. This is our first tour where we're living in Government housing and we live in a neighborhood where we're surrounded by other military families of the same branch. I full on knew when we moved in here that some military wives lead their lives concentrating on drama and issues that I believe aren't conducive to everyday life. I'm not saying that every wife is like this, but I've definitely witnessed/heard some horror stories. We've been in this area since July and I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of the wives that live here. On first instinct I knew who to stay away from and who I thought would be a seemingly good person. I believed it was a must that I got a job right away - which i did. It's only part time and I'm currently searching for a second job to take up more of my time. Over the last few months I had become friends with a military wife neighbor of mine. Our friendship grew pretty quickly- almost too quickly for me- but I let it happen anyhow. Things had been going pretty well, until she started making small statements about our expenses and our relationship (my husband and I's). Which I quickly let her know that I wasn't comfortable talking about. I started keeping our conversations pretty simple and Ive been trying not to delve into much detail. Recently we had a small issue where I took care of some things for her and she didn't keep up with her end of the bargain. I was really upset and she made up excuses for herself once I confronted her about it. Since then things have been okay until this week when I ended up at a bar with my husband, a few of his co-workers, and one other military wife who lives in our neighborhood. After a few drinks she started gossiping and let me know that she had heard about my little situation/tiff that I had, had with my next door neighbor. She also gossiped about some not so nice things about her relationship that I wish that I had never heard. During this conversation, or any conversation that has this kind of context, I try to stay neutral. If I feel the need to gossip, I gossip to my husband, who I know I can trust not to further the gossiping chain. Anyhow, hearing all of this information made me feel like an idiot for thinking I could trust her. I don't think I want to confront her about what happened bc it's like I'll be dragged into the chain of people who have all been talking about each other. She comes to my house about 2-3 times a day and knocks on my door to either ask about something, see what I'm doing, or ask for something she's missing from her meal. What should I do? Should I confront her and possibly cause more drama? Should I not answer my door? My husband thinks I should just continue on like nothing happened, and just keep all information to a minimum. My other issue is, where do I go to find friends outside of the military in a place that I don't know that well? I feel like every time we move I end up not finding friends who do me right by my heart. I have one girl friend who I can trust with any and all of my issues or problems, but she lives in a different state. I feel like it's so hard to find someone who's true at heart these days. Where do I go from here? I feel like my brain isn't equipped for this kind of nonsense and I don't know how to deal. hahaha.
If you read ALL of this - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to give me your thoughts and opinions.

TarponMonoxide

So you more or less have a meddling and undependable friend/neighbor?

Find a way to end this friendship.  She's not much of a friend at all.

The best way to find a good friend is to find one via a good and common cause -- try volunteering or joining a special interests group.

Ilumine

I think that you are working really hard at finding the common denominator being the military and not recognizing that BSC comes in all neighborhoods, jobs and people. 

Will you stop trying to make friends at your job because one or two of them become bitchy?  Will you no longer go to church because a couple there makes a mistake holding up their end of a bargain...you know like all other humans?

I am an army brat who marred Air Force.  I spent 10 years as a civilian in a career, not just a job.  And I while as a military spouse, I had friends who were Spouses and who had nothing to do with the military.  And honestly....I learned three things. 

1) While there are more BSC military spouses due to the socioeconomic and educational levels of the junior enlisted, its NOT THAT MUCH MORE than any other group, neighborhood, job, or location.  You are going to be really shocked and more disappoint when your first non-military work friend pulls a stunt like this.  WHY? BEcuase your expectations are some how higher and now dashed. 

2) You are going to need military friends.  It may mean that you have to look harder and be more open to human foibles, but there is something to be said about having a friend or two who truly understand what you are going through.  

If your husband is going to be in for a long time, odds are you will run into these friends again.  I know that I have.  Hell, my DH retired and we are currently living outside of a military base (and no, he is not working on the base as a GS or Contractor).  Friends from my first base have now PCSed in.  WHOO HOO.  

I am not saying grab the first girl that you might like...but do not dismiss someone because she is military.  

3) Take a look at what you are expecting a friendship to be.  Freindships can be superficial to finding your One, a la Greys Anatomy.  They can be situational/current to life long.  Women have this notion that we have to have friends like the Sex in the City due to movies and books like Sex in the City.  

But they don't have to as long as both parties are good with what they have.  I am about to loose my 2nd good friend from my current location because they are PCSing.  I could have been like you and NOT befriended them since they are Military and could bring drama and/or leave me.  

But then I would have missed out on SO MUCH.  And the odds are, out of the 4 of us, we will only maintain one strong friendship between us.  That is not to say that we did not love each other...but we know what life has to offer.  

GilliC

SunnyGirl715 said:

Hey nesties!

This is my first post - so I hope that I'm posting this in the right area. I have been married to my hubs for about 2 years now. He's in the military, so we move quite often. We've been moving around together for the last 8 years and I always have a harder time than him with each of the moves. We have no kids and don't plan on having kids for a few years. recently we moved to a new area in the upper midwest. I was excited to come here bc it's a little more normal than the other places that we've ever lived in. This is our first tour where we're living in Government housing and we live in a neighborhood where we're surrounded by other military families of the same branch. I full on knew when we moved in here that some military wives lead their lives concentrating on drama and issues that I believe aren't conducive to everyday life. I'm not saying that every wife is like this, but I've definitely witnessed/heard some horror stories. We've been in this area since July and I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of the wives that live here. On first instinct I knew who to stay away from and who I thought would be a seemingly good person. I believed it was a must that I got a job right away - which i did. It's only part time and I'm currently searching for a second job to take up more of my time. Over the last few months I had become friends with a military wife neighbor of mine. Our friendship grew pretty quickly- almost too quickly for me- but I let it happen anyhow. Things had been going pretty well, until she started making small statements about our expenses and our relationship (my husband and I's). Which I quickly let her know that I wasn't comfortable talking about. I started keeping our conversations pretty simple and Ive been trying not to delve into much detail. Recently we had a small issue where I took care of some things for her and she didn't keep up with her end of the bargain. I was really upset and she made up excuses for herself once I confronted her about it. Since then things have been okay until this week when I ended up at a bar with my husband, a few of his co-workers, and one other military wife who lives in our neighborhood. After a few drinks she started gossiping and let me know that she had heard about my little situation/tiff that I had, had with my next door neighbor. She also gossiped about some not so nice things about her relationship that I wish that I had never heard. During this conversation, or any conversation that has this kind of context, I try to stay neutral. If I feel the need to gossip, I gossip to my husband, who I know I can trust not to further the gossiping chain. Anyhow, hearing all of this information made me feel like an idiot for thinking I could trust her. I don't think I want to confront her about what happened bc it's like I'll be dragged into the chain of people who have all been talking about each other. She comes to my house about 2-3 times a day and knocks on my door to either ask about something, see what I'm doing, or ask for something she's missing from her meal. What should I do? Should I confront her and possibly cause more drama? Should I not answer my door? My husband thinks I should just continue on like nothing happened, and just keep all information to a minimum. My other issue is, where do I go to find friends outside of the military in a place that I don't know that well? I feel like every time we move I end up not finding friends who do me right by my heart. I have one girl friend who I can trust with any and all of my issues or problems, but she lives in a different state. I feel like it's so hard to find someone who's true at heart these days. Where do I go from here? I feel like my brain isn't equipped for this kind of nonsense and I don't know how to deal. hahaha.
If you read ALL of this - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to give me your thoughts and opinions.

If you're not interested being close with her (I don't blame you) then let the distance grow. You don't have to confront her and be all, "I'm upset about XYZ, and I don't think we should spend so much time together." Just be more aloof. Turn down some invitations and find other things to do. It's harder to maintain a friendship than to let one die out.

And I agree with the PPs that you should focus more on finding people you do connect with, rather than feeling obligated to be friends with the other military wives. Try to get involved in some local activities (meetup.com, church stuff, volunteering, sports groups, etc) and find people you have a common interest with, rather than just a common life situation.

Knottie48010755

Hey There! Thanks for your post. This will literally snowball if you don't nip it in the bud. I would follow your hubbies advice and keep information to a minimum but be cordial. Don't answer the door if you don't want too. Be prepared for her to blast you all over the housing unit, and be prepared for backlash. Just tell everyone you were in the shower, or whatever.

It's okay though, because you have big plans. 

There are probably events you can go to for people who just moved in the major city/town you are near. 

Check out www.MeetUp.com for groups. 

Also check out philanthropic organizations in your local area to make friends that way. American Cancer Society or Wounded Warriors probably has something for you. Get creative and use the web! Good luck!