Grief support two years later-is this too much to ask? Vent

dutchgirl76

I'm sorry in advance for this post. I think I just need to vent and I hope I don't sound like a b!tch. I don’t know if this is the right board either so I apologize if it’s not.

 I lost my mom unexpectedly two years ago next week. I'm going to my dad's house this weekend to spend time with him and remember my mom. He lives just over an hour away from DH and I so I tend to sleep over at his house for the weekend when I go, make the most of the weekend. DH works a rotating day and night schedule so it's hard for me to keep up with when he's working. I've been planning this trip to my dad's for a few weeks now (it's been two months since I've seen him or been to his house.) I mentioned to DH a few weeks ago my plans to go this particular weekend, didn't say why other than I hadn't been in a while. I assumed he would remember the reason since he was with me when my mom passed. At first I thought DH had to work so I didn't say anything about him going, if you're working you can't go. Later on I figured out he's not working this weekend so I apologized and said you're more than welcome to come, I just didn't say anything because I thought you had to work. I would rather you come visit, even for one of the two nights if you can. He didn't commit either way, just left it as we'll see when we get closer, but seemed like a one night visit was reasonable. Again no mention that he knew the anniversary was coming up.

 

To be fair to him I haven't said much about the anniversary or my grief lately. It's been a hard two years and he's been a big supporter. I try to keep a lot of my feelings to myself or talk to other people because I feel I've burdened him with this for 2 years. He sat with me in the hospital, listened to me cry for a long time after it happened. I have talked to a grief counselor and attended two grief support groups which were a big help. I think I do need to talk to someone again as I clearly still have strong feelings. I’ve told him before I feel like I burden him and he tells me I don’t, that he’s my husband, he’s here for me and happy to listen and help when he can, but how can you not feel guilty after 2 years of this?

 

Fast forward to last night, he was working an overnight so I sent him a text (probably not the best method of contact, but he was working, don’t want to bug him) saying are you going to my dad’s this weekend or not? I kept throwing out the idea of him only going for one night for several reasons: He’s had a busy week working 2 overnights and another night with a medical test. He’s taking a class and needs time to catch up on his work, if he’s home alone he’ll get more done. He doesn't get a lot of time to himself, why not have a bachelor night. Apparently I wasn’t clear that was my reasoning for saying only go for one night. He responded to my text that he didn’t feel it made sense for him to go for only  one night since it’s “such a long drive” (remember this is just over 1 hour each way.) Instead of waiting and gathering my thoughts I lost it. I said “have a good weekend, I’ll see you when I see you blah blah” I felt sick to my stomach, how dare you leave me alone on the anniversary? After much conversation we discovered this was a communication issue. He apparently remembered the anniversary and took my miscommunication as a sign he wasn’t welcome this weekend, that I didn’t need him or wanted to grieve in private with my dad. He said he was “gauging” my grief since I wasn’t talking about it. Ok fine I get it, it’s a miscommunication, but he’s never gauged my grief before. In the end he said he wants to be there for me and wants to go both nights to my dads. So we agreed he'll go both nights because he wants too, not because he has too. So what’s my problem?

 I just can’t help feeling like it’s a pitty visit, like I guilted him into going and he really doesn’t want to support me this weekend. We did talk on the phone last night before we went to bed and he assured me this is genuine, that he wants to go. I don’t know am I being unreasonable expecting support through the anniversary two years later? I know they say there’s no time-limit on grief, but two years it’s still pretty fresh right? They say for better or worse, but at what point can your spouse say I can’t help you anymore? Ugh I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know men and women grieve different and he still has both of the parents who raised him. It’s different for women I think too, I lost my mom at 30, I don’t think he really understands how hard that is, how could he?

 

I don’t know what more I want, I guess I just want to know he’s there because he wants to be. I don’t know what will make me feel like he’s there for the right reasons. This probably was just a big miscommunication that we thankfully worked through quickly but it’s just so hard to move forward from this. I’m so drained today, I cried so much last night I still have a headache today.

I do understand how tough this is on him too. He lost my mom too, but he only knew her for a few years. He doesn't understand what I'm going through and how could he if I don't talk about it. Maybe he thought I'm better because I haven't been talking about it? I think this would be hard on him, to see me crying and see me in pain. Maybe he doesn't know how to help and feels he'd be a burden coming up just to be there without "helping" Ugh I want to cry right now, I'm sorry.

Anyway thanks for the vent. I’ve tried to find another grief support group but there aren’t a lot of options in my area. I also work later hours so the few I’ve found conflict with my schedule. You’d be surprised how many groups restrict you to new grief which I get…but it seems to get harder for a while before it gets better. So thank you for listening. 

Munashi

First, I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  It is understandable that this is a difficult time of year for you.

As you said, it was a miscommunication.  I don't know you or your husband, but I don't think he has agreed to come just out of pity or guilting.  It sounds like he just had a poor grasp of what you were looking for and didn't know how to give you what you wanted.  It's not unreasonable to expect some support, but it may have been a little unreasonable to assume he knew you had that need without discussing it.  It seems like your conversations have improved things, though - and that now you know you need to communicate more clearly.  It is hard when we don't know ourselves what we want.  I would say take comfort in knowing that as soon as he understood your needs, he adjusted himself to suit them.  That's a very good thing.

I hope you feel better soon, hun.  

OtterJ

If you're unable to attend support groups because of your schedule, you can always to go individual counseling.  It doesn't have to a grief counselor specifically - many therapists and counselors are trained in multiple areas.  Just find someone who you feel comfortable with, and preferably someone who has experience handling grief.  If nothing else, there are books on grief that might also help. 

I don't think it is unreasonable to still experience sorrow only two years after someone so closed to you passes.  Especially during certain times - like the anniversary. 

You and your husband did have a lot of miscommunication.  Now that the miscommunication has been resolved, don't let it taint your weekend.  Spend time with your dad, remember your mother, and be grateful for a husband willing to support/console you. 

You are right when you say that your husband doesn't know how you feel.  Everyone experiences grief differently.  Even if he lost his mother, his experience would be different from your own.  You should be honest with them about how your feeling because he will never be able to read your mind, or guess your emotions with 100% accuracy.  If there is something specific that you need from him during your grieving process (time alone, a quiet listener, someone to cry with, a hug, whatever), you can't expect him to know what you need or how you want him to react unless you tell him.  No matter what he does, or what you want him to do, you must realize that he will never be able to heal your hurt.  He can listen to you, support you, be patient with you, and he might even grieve with you, but he will never be able to remove your emotional burden or make your sorrow go away.  If you expect him to do anything more than what he is able, you run the risk of overburdening his own emotions.   A therapist or counselor can help you find the balance between being open and honest about your emotions, without placing expectations on how others can/should comfort you. 

dutchgirl76

Thank you guys! About an hour after I posted this I started to feel better. I know I have to be honest with him abuot what's going on, he probably figured I'm handling the anniversary better this year than last year. Hopefully next weekend I'll be stronger and back to "normal". I will say things for the most part are a lot better, this is just a harder time.

Thanks again for the advice. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

GilliC

I'm sorry in advance for
this post. I think I just need to vent and I hope I don't sound like a
b!tch. I don’t know if this is the right board either so I apologize if it’s
not.

 I lost my mom
unexpectedly two years ago next week. I'm going to my dad's house this weekend
to spend time with him and remember my mom. He lives just over an hour away
from DH and I so I tend to sleep over at his house for the weekend when I go, make the most of the weekend.
DH works a rotating day and night schedule so it's hard for me to keep up with when he's
working. I've been planning this trip to my dad's for a few weeks now (it's
been two months since I've seen him or been to his house.) I mentioned to DH a
few weeks ago my plans to go this particular weekend, didn't say why other than
I hadn't been in a while. I assumed he would remember the reason since he was
with me when my mom passed. At first I thought DH had to work so I didn't say
anything about him going, if you're working you can't go. Later on I figured
out he's not working this weekend so I apologized and said you're more than
welcome to come, I just didn't say anything because I thought you had to work.
I would rather you come visit, even for one of the two nights if you can. He didn't
commit either way, just left it as we'll see when we get closer, but seemed like a one night visit was reasonable. Again no
mention that he knew the anniversary was coming up.

 

To be fair to him I
haven't said much about the anniversary or my grief lately. It's been a hard
two years and he's been a big supporter. I try to keep a lot of my feelings to
myself or talk to other people because I feel I've burdened him with this for 2 years. He sat with me
in the hospital, listened to me cry for a long time after it happened. I have
talked to a grief counselor and attended two grief support groups which were a
big help. I think I do need to talk to someone again as I clearly still have
strong feelings. I’ve told him before I feel like I burden him and he
tells me I don’t, that he’s my husband, he’s here for me and happy to listen
and help when he can, but how can you not feel guilty after 2 years of this?

 

Fast forward to last
night, he was working an overnight so I sent him a text (probably not the best
method of contact, but he was working, don’t want to bug him) saying are you
going to my dad’s this weekend or not? I kept throwing out the idea of him only
going for one night for several reasons: He’s had a busy week working 2
overnights and another night with a medical test. He’s taking a class and needs
time to catch up on his work, if he’s home alone he’ll get more done. He doesn't get a lot of time to himself, why not have a bachelor night. Apparently I wasn’t
clear that was my reasoning for saying only go for one night. He responded to
my text that he didn’t feel it made sense for him to go for only  one night
since it’s “such a long drive” (remember this is just over 1 hour each way.)
Instead of waiting and gathering my thoughts I lost it. I said “have a good
weekend, I’ll see you when I see you blah blah” I felt sick to my stomach, how dare you leave
me alone on the anniversary? After much conversation we discovered this was a
communication issue. He apparently remembered the anniversary and took my
miscommunication as a sign he wasn’t welcome this weekend, that I didn’t need
him or wanted to grieve in private with my dad. He said he was “gauging” my grief since I wasn’t talking about it. Ok fine
I get it, it’s a miscommunication, but he’s never gauged my grief before. In
the end he said he wants to be there for me and wants to go both nights to my
dads. So we agreed he'll go both nights because he wants too, not because he has too. So what’s my problem?

 I just can’t help
feeling like it’s a pitty visit, like I guilted him into going and he really
doesn’t want to support me this weekend. We did talk on the phone last night
before we went to bed and he assured me this is genuine, that he wants to go. I
don’t know am I being unreasonable expecting support through the anniversary
two years later? I know they say there’s no time-limit on grief, but two years
it’s still pretty fresh right? They say for better or worse, but at what point
can your spouse say I can’t help you anymore? Ugh I don’t know what’s wrong
with me. I know men and women grieve different and he still has both of the
parents who raised him. It’s different for women I think too, I lost my mom at
30, I don’t think he really understands how hard that is, how could he?

 

I don’t know what more I
want, I guess I just want to know he’s there because he wants to be. I don’t
know what will make me feel like he’s there for the right reasons. This
probably was just a big miscommunication that we thankfully worked through
quickly but it’s just so hard to move forward from this. I’m so drained today,
I cried so much last night I still have a headache today.

I do understand how tough this is on him too. He lost my mom too, but he only knew her for a few years. He doesn't understand what I'm going through and how could he if I don't talk about it. Maybe he thought I'm better because I haven't been talking about it? I think this would be hard on him, to see me crying and see me in pain. Maybe he doesn't know how to help and feels he'd be a burden coming up just to be there without "helping" Ugh I want to cry right now, I'm sorry.

Anyway thanks for the
vent. I’ve tried to find another grief support group but there aren’t a lot of
options in my area. I also work later hours so the few I’ve found conflict with
my schedule. You’d be surprised how many groups restrict you to new grief which
I get…but it seems to get harder for a while before it gets better. So thank
you for listening. 

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better and things are looking up a little. But next time, just be up front with your H. Tell him what's going on. Tell him that you're upset about the anniversary and that it's part of why you're going to your dad's. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that you're worried that you're burdening him too much and that you want to figure out a way that he can get space when he needs it, so that you don't have to question his sincerity. And then trust him when he does say he wants to be there for you.

He can't read your mind. While we'd all like to believe that our partners are so in tune to us that we don't have to say anything, it may be less romantic, but it's a heck of a lot more effective to just say things outright. He sounds like a great guy who really wants to be there for you but just didn't understand what's going on.

Samboni

Im sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very difficult. You said yourself that he's been amazing the last two years. Do NOT expect him to read your mind and/or automatically remember the anniversary. You need to remind him and tell him how you're feeling. He will never feel exactly how you're feeling and he needs you to share with him. Snapping at him will only create sour feelings on the subject. You need to cut him some slack on this. Also, I will never understand annually marking the day of death with anything other than a thought/prayer. I know some have traditions with this, but it's detrimental for a lot of people. I think people choose it as a way to honor the person, but marking THAT day each year with sorrow isnt healing for most. I encourage you to begin celebrating her birthday if you want to mark particular days. Good memories are associated with previous birthdays and it's a time to reflect on the happy times rather than marking the sad time you spent with her. You need to release yourself from this yearly obligation. Honor her with happy thoughts, good memories, and think of all the years you did have with her. I hope this is an uplifting thought to you. I think your weekend just ended and I hope everything worked out ok for you both.

dutchgirl76

Thank you all for your help and support. I do agree that we need to find a new way to deal with the anniversary. Growing up my family didn't visit the graves of my grandparents who passed before I was born. My dad and I got so much out of the grief support groups I think we just assumed you have to have some sort of celebration of the person's life since a lot of other people did. 

This weekend went pretty good. We both went up both days and ended up staying really busy helping my dad prepare his house for the winter (bringing in wood, cleaning out the garage etc.) We went to dinner at one of my mom's favorite resturants and shared stories of favorite memories. It was nice to stay busy. The memories of being in the hospital creep in when I'm not busy and it's tough I don't want to think of that time anymore. I think I had a lot of guilt too because last year we had masses said for her at my dad's church and the church where she was buried. We met up with our cousins and family friends at one of the masses who were close to my mom. This year time got away and we didn't do a mass or anything "special" other than dinner. Thinking back to the way I was raised I don't think she'd mind that we didn't do a mass if we were living good healthy lives that included moving on with our grief.

Her birthday, mother's day and the holidays are still really tough but I'm going to be more honest with my husband that it's hard and I"m going to be sad so give me a little extra support through these days. Thank you all again for your help.

dutchgirl76

Sorry I probably should have added that I was lucky enough to never experience a loss this major until my mom passed. Both of her parents passed before I was born and my dad's mother only passed away in July and his dad is still alive (we're not close.) I was lucky enough to not lose any close friends and my family is so tiny I didn't have aunt/uncles/cousins etc. to experience the grief process. This whole thing is so new to me I just trust what others do, although it seems every loss is so different there would be no better road map. I am finding you have to do what's right for you, just because someone else has a big memorial every year other families quietly remember by burning a candle. Hopefully next November will be a lot easier.