changing TTC plans (intro)

formerlyGDaisy09

I've been lurking here for a while, I've had baby fever for about a year, maybe closer to a year and a half, H has been on the baby bandwagon since well before I was. We've done a lot of talking about our "ideal" situation for TTC, we have our baby-bucket list, and we've discussed how many kids we'd like and how we'd like to space them. It's great, we seem to be on the same page about pretty much everything, but lately our reality seems to be in conflict with our ideal picture. 

Here's our Ideal: 

We discussed TTC after I finished my masters degree (graduated in May 2014)

Our bucket list has 2 items left on it; 1. finish a bedroom and bonus room (read craft-room/playroom) in the basement. 2. one more big vacation

if we had absolute control we want 2 kids (H would like to leave the possibility for a 3rd open) I'd like them 5 years apart so #1 is in school before we have to consider daycare for #2, I'd like to be done having kids by the time I'm 35. 

Reality: 

We are young, H is 29 I'm 27, we got married just over 2 years ago, we own our home, I have a great job, with good benefits, and a supportive boss. 

H is a bit lost in his career path, and is one of the thousands of people who are "under employed". He's not been able to find full-time work in the last 5 years, despite many many months of job searchin. most recently he held 2 part time jobs, that for 6 months were putting us in a really good financial place, we would have our baby-bucket list checked off within the year (we were on track to start the basement in January, and be able to pay for a vacation by April). however he recently lost 1 of those part time positions and for the sake of his happiness and our marriage we decided it was best that he not look for another part-time position right now...best I can guess we'll be financially able to tackle one item on our bucket list by next fall, and that's only if H can keep up hours at his one job, right now he's getting about 40 hours a week, but they only guarantee him 25 hours. 

When I graduated 5 months ago and our bucket list was just out of reach, we basically made plans that we wanted to start TTC in 6 months...so december, however with this recent job loss setting back our bucket list goals significantly more it seems like TTC anytime soon is now off the table, but it leaves me wondering if we should be rebalancing our bucket list with our goals.  As much as we've talked about going on one more vacation, there's no real reason (besides more competing financial priorities) that we couldn't go on a nice vacation after we start our family. 

the fortunate thing about H's current job situation is that daycare would almost be a non-issue.  H works 3am-10 or 11am and my boss is extremely supportive and I can telecommute for 80% of my job, so child care would be an almost non-issue, we might need an occasional sitter to cover a couple hours if H and I both had something going on at work, so while we've lost a lot of what we were putting into savings for our bucket list, and what would have theoretically covered daycare costs, in our current situation we would not need nearly as much money to pay for child care. 

I also carry a PCOS diagnosis and have been off estrogen containing BC since March, off all BC since July and have, currently unexplained, amenorrhea, so that worries me a little, but I know there are plenty of people who carry those diagnosies who have no problems. I guess in my mind I thought that we'd already be TTC or be pregnant right now, and i get really sad everytime something sets our timeline back, which makes me wonder if that's the right thing to do. 

So I'm looking for any wisdom and advice you ladies might have. 

seahorse01

Only you guys know what will work for you.

I personally wouldn't TTC if my DH wasn't guaranteed 40 hours a week because that's the income we've come to rely on to be comfortable.  You still have time since you are only in your 20s, but if you want to start trying go for it,  The elusive 'they' say that there is really never a perfect time to have kids.

formerlyGDaisy09

seahorse01 said:

Only you guys know what will work for you.

I personally wouldn't TTC if my DH wasn't guaranteed 40 hours a week because that's the income we've come to rely on to be comfortable.  You still have time since you are only in your 20s, but if you want to start trying go for it,  The elusive 'they' say that there is really never a perfect time to have kids.

yes 'they' do...'they' also say there's never enough money. 

Unfortunately he has never landed a full-time job, though that's always been the goal, he's been fired by his last 3 "secondary" part-time jobs, mainly due to things caused by his other part time job (because of his odd hours by 2-3pm he's exhausted which causes him to make mistakes).  The one job he has, pays well ($22/hour) so even finding a full-time position that replaces what he makes on average there (usually 30-34 hours a week) is hard.  H does not have a bachelors degree, so landing something full-time that pays $16-18/hour is impossible.  starting salary around here with a bachelors is like $13-14/hour. 

with the loss of the last 3 jobs (in the last 14 months) and his in ability to find anything full time, even at a lower pay-rate, over the last 5 years, makes me think that this is what it is, and maybe we should just focus on my career. 

seahorse01

Wowza, that sucks really bad for you guys.

Maybe he can be a stay at home dad and you can make it on your salary?

formerlyGDaisy09

Thanks, it does suck (sometimes it's just nice to hear someone besides me say it)! at the moment we cannot make it on just my salary, I'm probably several raises, promotions, or job changes away from being able to make that happen. 

We've figured if he can find something full-time he needs at least $14/hour for us to "get by" meaning all fun stops (no eating out, shopping, or activities that cost any money) and saving would basically stop. H and I have discussed that if he found his absolute dream job at $14/hour we could make it work, knowing that my boss is always working to find more money for me. That said, there's no room for daycare in that.  

Like I said, the advantage to his current position is that he's most often home by 10 or 11am, and he works tuesday-saturday, so with my flexible work schedule and occasional babysitting we could probably do it without daycare. 

It's been a frustrating year of watching a lot of our plans slip away and seem less realistic.

FutureMrsWright2012

Like Seahorse says, only you guys can decide what's best for you. I don't really have much advice to add, but I think, if I was in your shoes, the "baby bucket list" would be a non-issue. My bigger concern would be salary stability, although I can see how your current schedules would be helpful for keeping child care costs super low. Either way, I wish you all the best as you guys decide how to move forward!

simsk3887

I hope you guys are able to work out what would be your new best case scenario.

We're running into the daycare issue now as we're trying to plan because DH works steady nights Friday thru Wednesday. While this means he'll be home with the baby during the day, we're also trying to plan how he will sleep and function with the baby on such little sleep. Sure you hear the 'sleep when baby sleeps' but that only works for so long. Also if he happens to get mandated for longer hours, we're kind of stuck. I hate to add more stress to the situation but make sure to take into account that when he gets
home at 10/11am, he may be exhausted and it will be hard to take care of a baby.

I really do wish you luck though. Deciding to start a family is a hard decision to make.

formerlyGDaisy09

simsk3887 said:

I hope you guys are able to work out what would be your new best case scenario. We're running into the daycare issue now as we're trying to plan because DH works steady nights Friday thru Wednesday. While this means he'll be home with the baby during the day, we're also trying to plan how he will sleep and function with the baby on such little sleep. Sure you hear the 'sleep when baby sleeps' but that only works for so long. Also if he happens to get mandated for longer hours, we're kind of stuck. I hate to add more stress to the situation but make sure to take into account that when he gets home at 10/11am, he may be exhausted and it will be hard to take care of a baby. I really do wish you luck though. Deciding to start a family is a hard decision to make.

The hours are definitely not ideal as far as his sleeping schedule goes.  right now he generally comes home and tackles a few chores before he naps for an hour or two, then he heads to bed around 8pm, I don't think that would have to change that much.

Right now it feels like we're in a holding pattern, we both want the same thing.  At this point we're NNT, things aren't ideal, but we could make it work. other than that we're trying to distract ourselves from baby-fever, so not easy!

formerlyGDaisy09

AprilH81 said:

I agree that your husband's work situation is more troubling than a baby bucket list.  Changing hours mean changing take-home pay and changing child care situations...

If you take your DH's work situation out then only you can determine which is more important, a baby or a vacation or a finished basement.  Personally, I would do the basement before a vacation.  The basement will make post-baby living easier since you have more finished space.  A vacation is just fun and quickly gone.

his situation is troubling, but I'm not sure what else to do with it, in the last 4 years he has done at least 5 job searches that all took 2-4 months, and resulted in him being very frustrated (and as a result made me very unhappy). he's held the one job he has now for 2 years and been with that company for 5, so that part of it feels stable. the job is with FedEx, so he's just now headed into busy times there, which usually yields lots of overtime, so hopefully the next few months will help us chip away at those goals and stash some away so that if he has to cut back to 25 hours we've got a big buffer. 

 His immediate supperior there gets that 25 hours really doesn't cut it for him and most the time he lets H push that to just under 30 when corporate is getting on their site about hours. the only time our budget gets in real trouble is if H has to cut bact to no more than 25 hours (this has never happened *knocks on wood*) AND its the summer so I don't have my second job teaching dance...then we trim the fat from our budget(our small eating out budget, the dog's agility classes, eating rice and beans...) and we break even with a $40 buffer. so our current situation is workable...and fairly stable. 

The basement is definitely our priority, my parents live out of state, and our house is currently a 2BR 2BA...adding a bedroom to the basement would create a place for my parents to stay and the current guest room could be converted to a nursury. traveling is important to us...but it could wait until later.

MEJOHNSO

I agree that I would prioritize your DH's career situation before anything else.  I know it would be another competing financial goal, but while you have the flexibility maybe now is the time for him to take classes at a local community college or online to start enhancing his marketability.  Maybe exploring some of his interests that way would help him decide on an eventual career path.

Beyond that, I like the idea of traveling first.  I disagree that vacations are just fun and then quickly gone.  DH and I have traveled to 14 countries together in the 5 years we've been married and it is one of our proudest accomplishments.  Also, we have made countless memories and bonded intensely through those experiences.  Those things don't go away--they help you build a foundation that is then there when you decide to become parents.

formerlyGDaisy09

Appologies in advance if this is too old to bump...but rather than rehashing (read: retyping) the above it seemed easier to bump  

H and I have made progress and adjusted our timeline, I'd love to participate more here, so I thought I'd jump-in with an update! 

H had found a local college, not community, but as the community college closed they're offering close to community-rates to locals who had recently enrolled there (H qualified for this program!) He's enrolled in their managment/business program (he is currently an ops-manager, so definitely making a commitment to what he is doing). They are taking many of his credits that he accumulated in the past, and they give life experience credits so he can also get credit for some of his work experience. The program is mostly online, so he can continue to work. he can also get a lot of the tuition reimbursed. Yay, yay, and yay!

Travel is important to us, but over the holidays we decided that starting our family is more important. so as of the beginning of January we're TTC! We're going to plan some travel in May around a conference I have for work, so a lot of the cost won't come out of our pockets. we'll fit travel in when we can, while having children makes travel harder, it doesn't make it impossible. 

anyways, I'm looking forward to participating

islandmonkey8

Good luck!

cinderin

I would be skeptical of any university that gives you "life credits". You don't want to spend time and money on something that isn't a going to be a respected degree. It should open doors for him - not close them.

As a recruiter (not one any more - doing different HR work) it is *very* common practice to just toss out candidates with certain degrees from certain schools. It actually *harms* the person getting the job, they would have a better chance with an AA from a local CC or just a HS diploma.

Good luck to you! I hope your TTC journey is a quick one :-)

formerlyGDaisy09

cinderin said:

I would be skeptical of any university that gives you "life credits". You don't want to spend time and money on something that isn't a going to be a respected degree. It should open doors for him - not close them. As a recruiter (not one any more - doing different HR work) it is *very* common practice to just toss out candidates with certain degrees from certain schools. It actually *harms* the person getting the job, they would have a better chance with an AA from a local CC or just a HS diploma. Good luck to you! I hope your TTC journey is a quick one :-)

This is actually a private liberal arts university that is fully accredited, no it is not one of the top schools in the country, but yes it will allow my husband to finish his degree without having to quit his job, decrease his hours, or take out loans. This college is actually affordable for us because it is local and the local community college closed (due to low enrollment and lost accredidation) so this university is offering locals who had recently been enrolled at the CC (H was enrolled in 2012) a break on tuition. 

As I understand it, the Life Experience credits are not simply given, to get those credits H would have to take an exam to prove compentency in that area (similar to how I tested out of calculus and chemistry and got some credits for those courses without having to sit through classes of material I was already competent in). We have not looked deeply into that part of the program yet, but this is an isntitution that is well respected in our area. H is also not looking to change career paths at this point, he's decided he's more interested in climbing the ladder at FedEx,  and at some point he'll need a bachelors degree for that.