Pet death and kids (and dh!)

Luckystar2

I updated my pet post that we put our cat to sleep yesterday.

Anyone go through this with their kids and any advice? Dd got to see her yesterday beforehand and we took pictures and videos. We put her to sleep without dd there and told her later at home. She wanted to see her so we let her see the body. The "cascket" was like a white cardboard box so she decorated the lid. Then we all went out to bury her. Before bed we looked through old pictures which she cried through but didn't want to stop.

Today I just couldn't make her go to school. so she and I are staying home and just vegging out watching tv.

Anything else I should do for her? A couple years ago my parents dog died so she has had a little exposure to this and we have already had death talks about that in the past.

And how have your DH's been with pet deaths? I'm really taken aback by dh's reaction. He is very upset...his reaction is way more extreme than I would have expected. Not sure what to do honestly. This was our first pet as adults and so first death of "our own" pet. As well as is having to be the ones to make the decision vs her just dying on her own. So it's definitely hard and first experience on this side but still I'm concerned about him.

AmandaJLewis

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss.  it isn't an easy decision to make, but it is usually the right one.  I think that you are handling it all very well.  Answer DD's questions honestly, and let her know that her feelings of sadness are normal and that you are sad as well.  But also remembering how lucky you were to have such a great kitty in your lives, and the happy stories about your pet can help heal the wound left in your heart.

I don't think your DH's reaction is extreme.  It is still so recent, I am sure given some time the hurt will fade and he too will have his heart healed.

MrsAmers

I’m so sorry April. It does suck and I would have taken the day off, too. I had Nora put to sleep on a Saturday morning and I was very sad the rest of the day. I managed to do a few things, but I also spent quite a bit of time looking at screens and vegging out. IME, tomorrow will be better and you’ll both be more functional. Nothing else you need to do for DD but have a quiet day and answer her questions honestly. Heather was almost as sad about Nora as I was. We just spent time sitting together and cuddling. As good for me as it was for her. :-)

As for your DH, I’ll just tell you a story about mine. He’s not an emotional person. I’ve seen him cry three times in the 15 years we’ve been together. For the deaths of his dad and his two cats. And quite frankly he cried hardest for the cat he had gotten as a kitten. His college roommate’s cat had kittens, so he had been best buddies with this cat almost literally since the day she was born. She died suddenly and he was the saddest I’ve ever seen him. But the worst of it was the first 12-24 hours.

Hugs to all three of you!
Amy

kris356

I am so sorry.

We don't have kids, so I can't comment on that.

On the husband front, we had to change vets after we lost our first dog. My husband literally never stepped foot in that office again, he wouldn't even come with me when I picked up her ashes. He is still heartbroken over it and it will be 3 years in January. He feels guilty that we waited too long and that she suffered more than she should have(she didn't, this is his thoughts on the situation). I will also add that we had made the decision and I called him to see when he wanted to go and he had already taken her that morning without me. He was her person. I just let him be. I did think the vet thing was a bit extreme but he is haunted by the image.  Mopar hated the vet and he feels that her last moments were stressful and scary, he feels that he failed her is some way.

He was a bit better when we had to let go of our lab last year, but, he was my dog (he was a Christmas gift). We still go to the same vet, but i have a feeling that the experiences were a bit different between Mopar and Murphy. He was actually impressed with how well I handled it, but it was coming and I had prepared myself for the fact that I was going to let go that day. I still miss that dog a year and half later. 

So after all that, I wouldn't worry about your husband.

ryanthegirl

You've gotten a lot of wonderful advice. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your family's loss.

sundaygirl

We just went through a very similar situation in September (first pet that was "ours" and a kid that had grown up with the pet).  We also told our son after the fact, he got to see him before the burial.   He cried a ton.  Before he went to school the next day, we picked out a photo of our dog.  I sent it to school with a note explaining our pet's death to the teacher and asking her to allow him to tell the class about his dog (this was my idea - DS agreed that he thought it would make him feel better).  The teacher sent back the photo with a note that it was a great idea so it must have gone over ok. 

I know you have other pets at home.  Having another dog still after we lost Luther was actually a blessing.  It gave us a pet to nurture and explain to DS that she was grieving, too, and really needed our love and support.  It gave all three of us something to focus on when we felt lost without Luther.

Overall, the three of us were just a huge mess over the death.  Luther was with us for over 10 years so DH and I still mention him a lot, just because he was a part of so much.  But it's still hard for DS and when the dog's name comes up, he will usually say "I told you, I don't want to be reminded of that!"  So it may take a long time...

Edited to add - I'm very sorry about your loss.  You're a great parent for being so concerned about your DD!

denalea

I'm so sorry.

I think what you're doing for your DD is just right.  Remembering, being sad, and being joyful at the memories, all at the same time.  That's grief...the blend of sorrow and joy (not happy that the pet/person is gone, but glad for the memories and experiences).  I think it's good to have a day of "self care" just cuddling, answering questions, and acknowledging that it is hard to say goodbye.

And you're poor DH.  I think it is sometimes harder for adults because we see the nuances and feel the weight of decisions in ways that children don't.  And, as Kris said, every death is different - some we see coming, some we don't, sometimes its a peaceful goodbye, sometimes its traumatic, etc.  That doesn't make it easier or harder, just different. 

And, of course, we all deal differently.  Sometimes we want to constantly be reminded of our loved one/pet, and sometimes, like SundayGirl's LO, we find it easier not to think about it.  And, I think our perspective on that changes every day!  Sometimes I want to feel surrounded by those who have gone on before me.  Sometimes I don't want to open that door!

One thing I heard in a seminar on funerals/funeral planning/grief, etc. really made sense to me and made me think of grief a little differently.  A counselor said that every time we experience loss, we grieve not only that loss, but all of the loss we've experienced before, too.  That made a lot of sense to me.  So, not only is your DH sad about the loss of your cat, but he's probably also thinking of other pets he's said goodbye to, and probably people, too.  I think that this is why funerals are difficult, even for people that we're not very close to....because we know the pain of loss, and we're reminded of that pain, even if the deceased was not our pet/parent/dear friend.  (I think of funerals that have left me in tears even though I've never met the person who has died...my heart breaks for their loved one who IS my friend or family, because I "know"/can imagine the depth of pain that they are experiencing, and have been there before.)

Plus, I think anytime we experience loss there is a bit of fear that others we love will die, too.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Grief is hard.  Be gentle with your DD, DH, and yourself over the coming days and weeks.  Hugs to you all!

lala5507

I'm so sorry.  I don't have any advice but it's sounds like you are doing everything right.  There has to be some children's books on the subject if you feel that would help.   Take care of each other. 

Luckystar2

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it. We just watched movies today and snuggled. She wanted a stuffed animal cat that looks like our cat, so we went is search of one (found a pretty good match!) found a frame for her to put a picture in for her room. Of course the stock picture in there was one that looked just like our cat. Dd was asking how there was a picture of her in there. Also picked up a cat book. We picked up some flowers to put on her grave and a card that dd just wrote a sweet messages to her. She is doing pretty well with it all I think. Honestly I'm more worried about dh.

amyjoy18

DD handled our cat's death pretty well, but she had a few weeks from the time we discovered how sick Pixie was and when we finally had her put down.  We buried her in the backyard and DD wanted to put her in the ground.  She also made a little grave marker.

She also started asking for another cat almost immediately.  I think that was her way of dealing and trying to fill the void. 

I will say though, that her favorite show is "The Incredible Dr. Pol" which is a vet show.  It's pretty graphic and there are many instances where the pets/animals pass away or need to be put to sleep, so we've had many conversations about pets being sick/dying.  I think that really helped her a lot--but I wouldn't recommend starting to watch that now while your family's heart is still hurting.

waltsgirl102503

You've gotten great advice, and I think it just takes some time.  The first few days of any loss are the hardest. I'm sorry for your loss.  

valkaz

I'm sorry, April. That is such a hard situation.  We had to put one of our dogs down in December 2012 because of bone cancer. We did like you did - we spent the couple of days before taking photos/being with him & talked to DD and explained that he was going to be going to Heaven soon. We took her to my parents & let her spend time with them while we went to the vet. She didn't seem all that upset by things, so that worried me a little. We bought a book called "Dog Heaven" that we read with her that night.   

DH doesn't seem to react to anything like that, and I'd almost wish I had seen some sort of emotion. Sure, he was sad - but I was literally bawling for 2 days about it. I guess maybe we were both a little bit on opposite extremes.

DD still talks about our dog and says she misses him, and I'm glad she remembers him.

Luckystar2

Thanks again everyone. We are all doing somewhat better. The emergency vet sent us a condolences card that came a week after she died. Nice of them in a way but totally made me upset as I was already having a sad day since it was a week since it happened.

Dh seems to be doing better so I'm not so worried! And dd is doing ok. Val, I got her the Cat Heaven book last week. Sweet book.

valkaz

April - my mom just bought a copy of this book for my kids and my brother's kids (my brother just lost his dog last month) and it is beautiful: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-heaven-of-animals-nancy-tillman/1117827748?cm_mmc=google+product+search-_-q000000633-_-9780312553692pla-_-book_15to24-_-q000000633-_-9780312553692&ean=9780312553692&isbn=9780312553692&kpid=9780312553692&r=1.  I bawled reading it yesterday.

Luckystar2

valkaz said:

April - my mom just bought a copy of this book for my kids and my brother's kids (my brother just lost his dog last month) and it is beautiful: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-heaven-of-animals-nancy-tillman/1117827748?cm_mmc=google+product+search-_-q000000633-_-9780312553692pla-_-book_15to24-_-q000000633-_-9780312553692&ean=9780312553692&isbn=9780312553692&kpid=9780312553692&r=1.  I bawled reading it yesterday.

I saw you post on FB and was going to say thanks for the rec! I will check it out!