Husband with low libido

Nashvillelove831

For the record, this has always been an issue in our relationship, and something I knowingly married into. I love my husband, he a wonderful man, and affectionate in other non-sexual ways. He tells me how much he loves me every night before we fall asleep, and kisses me hello and good bye each day. But the man doesn't want sex. Like, ever. Now, we still have sex at least once a week because I've stressed to him that it's important to me, it makes me feel connected with him, etc. but if it was truly up to him and only his desires, we would do it maybe once a month. I've tried about every way I can come up with to get his interest.. Lingerie, games, weve discussed toys and he knows I'm open to it but he didn't care for the idea. Once we went out to dinner with friends and I wore nothing under my dress and texted him about it when we were out, thinking it would build anticipation. When we finally got home and alone, he went and opened a beer and watched tv. He just. Doesn't. Care. I've asked him if he ever just gets horny and just really wants it right then and there and he promptly answered. 'No.' He's been tested for low testosterone and everything came back normal. He does have some performance issues (keeping it up) that have improved over the past couple years, but are still there. We're the only people we've ever slept with, and it drives me crazy to think that I can't have the crazy passionate sex life I always dreamed of. I feel like we have zero passion, and am so tired of being shot down that I'm not even comfortable enough to try to initiate anything with him anymore. It's so hard to feel so unwanted in this area. And I've talked about it with on a fairly frequent basis. He knows it's an issue and he says he'll work on it. It's never spontaneous or at any time other than when were already in bed since 'its convenient' that way. I don't want sex to be convenient all the time! I want it to be untimely and messy and passionate and wild even just one out of 100 times. Idk what I'm looking for for responses to this. Maybe just another wife or two out there who can understand what I'm dealing with and maybe have their own differences in libidos that they can share a tip or two with me.

TarponMonoxide

Nashvillelove831 said:

I gotta say it again and not to rub it in:

Is sex important to you?

Then why did you wittingly enter into a permanent relationship with a guy who was not  into sex?

For the record, this has always been an issue in our relationship, and something I knowingly married into.

If he has no known medical problem where it is a given that his ability to perform or "need" to perform was a problem, then he can meet you at least half way on what you are asking from him in bed.

Twice a week would be great.  You need to talk to him and do so immediately, outside of the bedroom setting.

I love my husband, he a wonderful man, and affectionate in other non-sexual ways. He tells me how much he loves me every night before we fall asleep, and kisses me hello and good bye each day. But the man doesn't want sex. Like, ever.

And I am guessing you never spoke to him about this or if you did, it fell on deaf ears or he promised you the moon and did nothing in return.

Now, we still have sex at least once a week because I've stressed to him that it's important to me, it makes me feel connected with him, etc. but if it was truly up to him and only his desires, we would do it maybe once a month.

Talk to him. AGAIN.

 I've tried about every way I can come up with to get his interest.. Lingerie, games, weve discussed toys and he knows I'm open to it but he didn't care for the idea.

Not every guy is into lingerie or games or toys. Work with what he LIKES to do.


Once we went out to dinner with friends and I wore nothing under my dress and texted him about it when we were out, thinking it would build anticipation. When we finally got home and alone, he went and opened a beer and watched tv. He just. Doesn't. Care. I've asked him if he ever just gets horny and just really wants it right then and there and he promptly answered. 'No.' He's been tested for low testosterone and everything came back normal.

He does have some performance issues (keeping it up) that have improved over the past couple years, but are still there.

He needs to see a urologist about this and possibly an endocrinologist --- and i hate to say it, a cardiologist, also.

Erectile problems that keep happening is indicative of a possible health  problem.

The penis is a man's dipstick and will often reflect something is amiss health wise, the same way a period and whether or not it is normal is a red flag to a woman.

It very well could be possible he is afraid of losing his erection and maybe this is also why he is never in the mood.

He could also be an asexual kind of guy or simply that his libido IS very low.  As a very long shot, he may also be gay. (and don't say oh no he can't be gay... sis, you'd be surprised how gay men can stay in the closet and  put up a straight front.)

We're the only people we've ever slept with, and it drives me crazy to think that I can't have the crazy passionate sex life I always dreamed of.

What you see is what you get. Likely he will never be a raving animal in bed.:(

 I feel like we have zero passion, and am so tired of being shot down that I'm not even comfortable enough to try to initiate anything with him anymore. It's so hard to feel so unwanted in this area. And I've talked about it with on a fairly frequent basis. He knows it's an issue and he says he'll work on it.

This is more than a communication problem. Get to a counselor yourself -- and maybe a sex therapist too -- and talk about this problem to them. Get their input

It's never spontaneous or at any time other than when were already in bed since 'its convenient' that way. I don't want sex to be convenient all the time! I want it to be untimely and messy and passionate and wild even just one out of 100 times. Idk what I'm looking for for responses to this. Maybe just another wife or two out there who can understand what I'm dealing with and maybe have their own differences in libidos that they can share a tip or two with me.

He needs to get to a physician and have his erectile problems straightened out --- it's a must he goes.

He may be experiencing the possible start of diabetes, or a cardiac issue or perhaps even a thyroid problem-- anything thyroid can be a stickler to diagnose --- or perhaps it is performance anxiety. Let them rule out medical problems. No medical problems means he needs to see a sex therapist since it is something psychological.

He needs to meet you half way --  twice a week is fine --- perhaps he is simply too shy to initiate and dioesn't know how to do it --- does he masturbate??? Surely you must know the answer to that question and you need to know is his frequency somewhat normal.

Sex manuals will be of aid, also. Mainstream book stores sell them; make this a "you and me" project.

What does he like? Indulge him sexually in more of that --- surely there must be certain positions, dirty talk, or whatever it is he likes.

If a medical problem is ruled out and he is healthy as the proverbial horse and he still won't ante up for at least twice a week sex and you still get lip service, perhaps you will have to consider what way to go in a direction that satisfies you.

He can give you the permission to pursue an open relationship and if that does not appeal to you, perhaps consider saying goodbye to him. You did not get married to have a glorified roommate. GL.

crimsonsaffron

I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this and can relate. I generally encourage my friends to simply speak with their partners when they're facing challenges, but I think in your situation it would probably be very helpful to have a counsellor facilitate the discussion. With these types of challenges, it can be very helpful to have a third person help guide the conversation and ensure you're both really listening to one another. 

If that's not possible for the two of you, then maybe the two of you could work through some sort of a couple's sex therapy book together. You should choose a nice moment when he's calm and content to let him know that you'd like to talk about your sex life. Maybe then give him a few hours to ease into the idea that you're going to have a "talk". Let him know that this part of your relationship is very important to you and it's a part of yourself that you can only share with him so you want it to be particularly fulfilling… and so you want to go to counselling or work through a book.

I don't have any recommendations of such books, but I'm sure you can find something.

Feel free to send me a private message.

TarponMonoxide

I second the possible weight issue.

I knew of a couple; both were very very large.  I think he was easily 100 pounds overweight or more and like most men, the weight he was carrying was concentrated in the abdomen.

Which is dangerous because abdominal fat is metabolically active. It's also very difficult to lose.


My point is this: Not to be TMI or be nasty but I often wondered how a guy that size managed to have sex with his wife. It also turns out to be an estrogen issue with men who have quite a lot of abdominal fat and I am pretty sure that can also interfere with erectile function.,  

If the OPs H is overweight he may also have a self confidence problem and body image problem which in turn may not make him rarin' to go in the bedroom.

Nashvillelove831

Thanks for your responses, and sorry it's taken me a few days to respond. As far as the masturbation goes, he claims that he doesn't, and I have been (or at least tried to) be open about it and non judgmental.. If he did I'd honestly wouldn't care, and probably be a litte happy inside to know that on some capacity he gets horny or whatever. I know before we met he would look at porn and masturate, so it's not that he has never done it or anything. When I've asked, he's said that he knows if he does, then he wouldn't be able to have sex with me (back to the performance issues, if he gets off once, he really can't again for typically about a day, or it's very difficult for him to do so if he tries) As far as the weight, I totally get why that's a thought coming up, but no, we are both at a very healthy weight, if not on the thin side. We try to be very healthy and I cook healthy meals. He's 27 years old , 6'7 and 220, but he doesn't typically go and work out or do any cardio, though I do encourage it because I work out often. I'm 24 and would consider us both attractive individuals, and he's not someone who has confidence issues in public or anything, and is typically very outgoing. As far as me marrying him knowing this was an issue, yes. I did. And it's very difficult for me at times. And I know to some of you that will seem crazy or dumb of me, but he's overall a great husband, very loving, especially verbally, we have the same morals and values in life, he'll make a great father, etc. There's a thousand reasons I married him, and I think it would have been foolish to break things off just because we don't match in the bedroom, because there will come a time in our lives that sex won't matter all that much anyways. Unfortunately, right now it does because I'm young and have no kids and want some passion in my relationship! I guess my main question in my head right now is whether this is psychological or physical. Yes, testosterone tests did come back normal, but he hasn't had much discussion with doctors beyond that test. As I mentioned before, neither of us had slept with anyone prior to each other. *warning: the following info might be more than some care to know, feel free to stop reading* His performance has improved greatly since we started sleeping together about two and a half years ago. Our first few attempts at having sex weren't even successful because he couldn't keep it up enough to even penetrate. Once we got past that, he was able to do only a few pumps and going limp, and that slowly improved with time, and it took probably a year and a half before he was actually able to successful get off without having to pull out and be manually finished off. Now were to the point he maybe only has to pull out once or twice and manually be worked back up. (Still, not normal though, I know.) But if things have improved with time and without meds, would it mean things are more physiological then? Or maybe his body is adjusting and it is a physical thing? I know ideally these things would just be asked to a doctor, but it's wayyyy easier said than done to get a man to go to the doctor and talk about his failings in the bedroom. Another side note is that for the first 15 months of us being together we lived over 4 hours apart. We would only see each other once every few weeks, and we didn't have sex until the distance ended. During that first year+ he was very sexual and would initiate things and we did basically everything except have sex. But once the distance ended and we slept together things just went downhill. Idk if maybe once he realized he had performance problems he then got anxiety about it and didn't want to do it or what.

TarponMonoxide

Nashvillelove831 said:

Thanks for your responses, and sorry it's taken me a few days to respond. As far as the masturbation goes, he claims that he doesn't, and I have been (or at least tried to) be open about it and non judgmental..

He probably doesn't want to incite a riot!

Tell him it is okay and okay if he does it -- and especially okay if he does so in bed with you --- he can put on a show for you...and you can reciprocate and do the same. Or maybe you can offer him a hand.

If he did I'd honestly wouldn't care, and probably be a litte happy inside to know that on some capacity he gets horny or whatever. I know before we met he would look at porn and masturate, so it's not that he has never done it or anything. When I've asked, he's said that he knows if he does, then he wouldn't be able to have sex with me (back to the performance issues, if he gets off once, he really can't again for typically about a day, or it's very difficult for him to do so if he tries)

He's got to see a doctor about this --- specifically an internist; just for the fact he isn't having an erection problem every once in awhile means he needs to have it medically investigated. . 

As far as the weight, I totally get why that's a thought coming up, but no, we are both at a very healthy weight, if not on the thin side. We try to be very healthy and I cook healthy meals. He's 27 years old , 6'7 and 220, but he doesn't typically go and work out or do any cardio, though I do encourage it because I work out often.

Speaking of exercise, why not something you can do together --- ballroom dancing or kickboxing or martial arts?


 I'm 24 and would consider us both attractive individuals, and he's not someone who has confidence issues in public or anything, and is typically very outgoing. As far as me marrying him knowing this was an issue, yes. I did. And it's very difficult for me at times. And I know to some of you that will seem crazy or dumb of me, but he's overall a great husband, very loving, especially verbally, we have the same morals and values in life, he'll make a great father, etc. There's a thousand reasons I married him, and I think it would have been foolish to break things off just because we don't match in the bedroom, because there will come a time in our lives that sex won't matter all that much anyways. Unfortunately, right now it does because I'm young and have no kids and want some passion in my relationship! I guess my main question in my head right now is whether this is psychological or physical. Yes, testosterone tests did come back normal, but he hasn't had much discussion with doctors beyond that test.

As I said:

A woman's monthly cycle and period is a woman's "red flag" that will indicate there is a problem with her health.

And the penis is the man's "dipstick" for  health problems that are manifesting.

It isn't just low testosterone: thyroid issues can cause erectile problems and so can diabetes, a circulatory problem  or a cardiac issue. This is why an internist will usually classify a guy with an erection problem as a cardiac patient until a cardiac issue is ruled out.

And only when it's been medically shown that no medical problem exists is it then something psychological. He's got to get to a doctor and have his problem looked into. Nip it in the bud before something else happens, if it is a medical issue that is happenign right now.


As I mentioned before, neither of us had slept with anyone prior to each other. *warning: the following info might be more than some care to know, feel free to stop reading* His performance has improved greatly since we started sleeping together about two and a half years ago. Our first few attempts at having sex weren't even successful because he couldn't keep it up enough to even penetrate. Once we got past that, he was able to do only a few pumps and going limp, and that slowly improved with time, and it took probably a year and a half before he was actually able to successful get off without having to pull out and be manually finished off. Now were to the point he maybe only has to pull out once or twice and manually be worked back up. (Still, not normal though, I know.) But if things have improved with time and without meds, would it mean things are more physiological then? Or maybe his body is adjusting and it is a physical thing? I know ideally these things would just be asked to a doctor, but it's wayyyy easier said than done to get a man to go to the doctor and talk about his failings in the bedroom. Another side note is that for the first 15 months of us being together we lived over 4 hours apart. We would only see each other once every few weeks, and we didn't have sex until the distance ended. During that first year+ he was very sexual and would initiate things and we did basically everything except have sex. But once the distance ended and we slept together things just went downhill. Idk if maybe once he realized he had performance problems he then got anxiety about it and didn't want to do it or what.

I also suggest a sex therapist for the 2 of you --- you go to see one first by yourself and bounce this whole problem off him or her. Tell that person what you told us.

Work on this with him to get this resolved --- I am pretty certain it is fixable.

artbyallie

The fact that he is relatively young and had issues staying hard inside you makes me tend to think it is strongly psychological. That is not the kind of problem young heterosexual men have. I don't want to suggest he's gay but... well, that's the first place my mind is going. I ditto Tarpon. Get a therapist.

Bluefire1893

I wouldn't immediately worry about the gay possibility -- there's a chance this is physical and he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which can occur in young guys as well. There's a chance he us aware of this on some level but reluctant to admit this or seek treatment, which is why he avoids sex (especially after experiencing it for the first time and being unable to penetrate for a few tries, as you described). Erectile dysfunction explains why he is unable to maintain an erection for penetration and thrusting. The fact that it is somewhat improving with practice is a good thing, although to have to manually work up the erection midway through penetration is still not normal. Get to a urologist before counseling and therapy to confirm or eliminate the possibility of ED or any other physical issue - testosterone is not the only physical problem that might affect performance.

TarponMonoxide

Our first few attempts at having sex weren't even successful because he couldn't keep it up enough to even penetrate. Once we got past that, he was able to do only a few pumps and going limp, and that slowly improved with time, and it took probably a year and a half before he was actually able to successful get off without having to pull out and be manually finished off. Now were to the point he maybe only has to pull out once or twice and manually be worked back up. (Still, not normal though, I know.)

Life is much too short to be lived like this.

He needs to get to a physician indeed --- forget shyness or pride. This is important. This is a problem that is affecting the both of you and it is cause for concern.

TarponMonoxide

This is why I don't buy the "sex before marriage is a sin" stuff. I am not saying that you need to go out there and be the town liftskirt but so long as the 2 of you have a commitment and you're mutually exclusive, it's okay to have a physical relationship.

OP: Your H needs to actively and enthusiastically work on the problem with you -- that is more than half your battle won. He just can't make promises or say he'll get to work on it with you.

lovinwife1

Ok so I understand this so much, my story is similar but a little different.....
My husband went through chemo and radiation shortly after we started dating I knew this going into our relationship but he's such an amazing man.he just turned 29 a couple of days ago and I've just turned 25. but he never wants to have sex. I'm embarrassed to make the first move even though we have been married for 4 years. Its been this way for a long time and I'm worried it will be this way forever because of the chemo. I need help we go almost a month sometimes and I'm going crazy! We are so young it seems like we should have no issues in this department. I need some advice.

NoneForUs

artbyallie said:

The fact that he is relatively young and had issues staying hard inside you makes me tend to think it is strongly psychological. That is not the kind of problem young heterosexual men have. I don't want to suggest he's gay but... well, that's the first place my mind is going. I ditto Tarpon. Get a therapist.

I was thinking the same thing. Men can have low sex drives but it isn't normal for a young man to have zero interest in sex. Therapy is a must. 

You have your reasons for marrying your husband knowing that he had sexual issues and I respect your viewpoint. I don't think you took the time to consider how your marriage would work in the long term with an unsatisfying sex life. Now you see just how important a sexual relationship is in marriage.