Soap opera life

ldawngirl

A good friend of mine is going through a tough time (and yes, it's a good friend, not me). I'm having dinner with her tonight and I'm not sure what advice to give anymore, so thought I'd throw it out there into the nest world.

Long story short, my friend is separated from her husband. (He was cheating on her (off and on) for nearly 5 years and she finally got the courage to leave when the mistress showed up at their house one day.) My friend is living with her mom while her ex has the house (she doesn't want it). They have a 4.5 year old daughter and are sharing custody and that's going fairly well.

Shortly after leaving the husband, she started dating a co-worker. IMO, she was mentally and emotionally separated from her husband for a very long time before the actual physical separation happened, so this wasn't a big surprise. But 6 months later she's pregnant with the new guy's baby. That was a surprise, especially for her. They are serious enough (had talked about marriage, etc.), but obviously this was not planned.

So, now she's pregnant (very early on, about 6 weeks), living with her mom and looking for a place with her new guy. However, she's finally admitted that she's not 100% certain about this guy. (Not that he's a bad guy, she's just not ready to move in and start a life with him.) 

This is not like her at all. She's very quiet and doesn't like to make waves, so I think she's trying to please others instead of pleasing herself. Any advice I can pass along?

TarponMonoxide

ldawngirl said:

A good friend of mine is going through a tough time (and yes, it's a good friend, not me). I'm having dinner with her tonight and I'm not sure what advice to give anymore, so thought I'd throw it out there into the nest world.

Long story short, my friend is separated from her husband. (He was cheating on her (off and on) for nearly 5 years and she finally got the courage to leave when the mistress showed up at their house one day.) My friend is living with her mom while her ex has the house (she doesn't want it). They have a 4.5 year old daughter and are sharing custody and that's going fairly well.

Shortly after leaving the husband, she started dating a co-worker. IMO, she was mentally and emotionally separated from her husband for a very long time before the actual physical separation happened, so this wasn't a big surprise. But 6 months later she's pregnant with the new guy's baby. That was a surprise, especially for her. They are serious enough (had talked about marriage, etc.), but obviously this was not planned.

So, now she's pregnant (very early on, about 6 weeks), living with her mom and looking for a place with her new guy. However, she's finally admitted that she's not 100% certain about this guy. (Not that he's a bad guy, she's just not ready to move in and start a life with him.) 

This is not like her at all. She's very quiet and doesn't like to make waves, so I think she's trying to please others instead of pleasing herself. Any advice I can pass along?

Perhaps the relationship was dead and gone --- but it is never a good idea to date so soon after the demise of a marriage. You're too vulnerable and you are bound to not make such a good and rational choice.

After a year of that divorce being finalized, perhaps start dating but only then do so casually.

She is going to have to decide what to do with the child. And that's a whole other story in itself.

GilliC

If she admits that she's not 100% certain about the guy, I would encourage her to consider those feelings seriously. While it's unfortunate that they will have to sort out issues with the child (assuming they plan to keep it), there are so many single-parent households, and it is not the end of the world.

It's better for the child that it grow up with two happy parents rather than two parents who are together only for the sake of the child. Remind her that children learn about marriage from the example set by their parents, so if this guy isn't 100%, she'll be teaching her child to settle.

Maggie0829

If she is not 100% certain about this guy then she certainly should not marry him, but I don't think she should give up on the relationship completely.  She is going through a lot right now, separation/divorce, pregnancy, living back home with her Mom, taking care of her child, and now having to figure out how to move forward with her life.  So I think it may be a good idea for her to talk to someone that can help her figure out her true feelings.  She may not feel 100% about this guy because of what she went through with her future ex-husband.  But she needs to sort out her feelings on each specific thing she is going through but outside things could be influencing her feelings on this guy she is with.