Advice Needed

lostpuppy

Ladies, This will be a little long but really need some advice.  My wife and I have had problems like any other marriage but recently things have seem to have gotten worse.  My ex emailed me over a year ago now and asked for some help with a resume because she was switching jobs.  I responded and there was a total of three or four emails all related to the resume and job and then nothing.  After a few weeks my wife gets my work phone, without permission and searches through my work emails and sees the emails. Now I didn't tell her because I knew she would not like it but also was not trying to hide because my wife had the passcode to the phone.  Now, my wife doesn't like the girl for other reasons but as I told her it was nothing and if the conversation would have expanded then I would have stopped it.  Now, I know I was wrong for not telling her but now it has been over a year and she still brings it up as a trust issue but doesn't seem to think what she did with the phone as a trust issue. She also asked my why I helped her with the resume and I told her that years ago when we were dating or right before we started she helped me out of a bad situation and after my mother died help during that process.  She tells me that she feels like I brought another woman into our marriage by helping her and that I chose my ex over her. I don't agree with that because as I said it was a limited conversation via email and I know it was with someone she doesn't like but to still be fighting over it now is a little much for me.  Just trying to figure out how to move past. 

BlueBirdMB

lostpuppy said:

Ladies, This will be a little long but really need some advice.  My wife and I have had problems like any other marriage but recently things have seem to have gotten worse.  My ex emailed me over a year ago now and asked for some help with a resume because she was switching jobs.  I responded and there was a total of three or four emails all related to the resume and job and then nothing.  After a few weeks my wife gets my work phone, without permission and searches through my work emails and sees the emails. Now I didn't tell her because I knew she would not like it but also was not trying to hide because my wife had the passcode to the phone.  Now, my wife doesn't like the girl for other reasons but as I told her it was nothing and if the conversation would have expanded then I would have stopped it.  Now, I know I was wrong for not telling her but now it has been over a year and she still brings it up as a trust issue but doesn't seem to think what she did with the phone as a trust issue. She also asked my why I helped her with the resume and I told her that years ago when we were dating or right before we started she helped me out of a bad situation and after my mother died help during that process.  She tells me that she feels like I brought another woman into our marriage by helping her and that I chose my ex over her. I don't agree with that because as I said it was a limited conversation via email and I know it was with someone she doesn't like but to still be fighting over it now is a little much for me.  Just trying to figure out how to move past. 

You went down a slippery slope when you didn't tell your wife about the communication with the ex.  It makes it look like you were hiding something.

I don't think you've chosen your ex over your wife by helping her with her resume, but I do think it's odd that your ex even reached out to you for help in the first place.  It doesn't sound like you are friends with your ex, so why would she want help from you?

TarponMonoxide

lostpuppy said:

Ladies, This will be a little long but really need some advice.  My wife and I have had problems like any other marriage but recently things have seem to have gotten worse. 

Your marriage has been problematic since she started the verbal abuse and problematic when you started letting her push you around.


My ex emailed me over a year ago now and asked for some help with a resume because she was switching jobs.  I responded and there was a total of three or four emails all related to the resume and job and then nothing.

Know what you do?

Tell her to seek a job counselor's input or let her try a professional resume writer. a 


 After a few weeks my wife gets my work phone, without permission and searches through my work emails and sees the emails. Now I didn't tell her because I knew she would not like it but also was not trying to hide because my wife had the passcode to the phone.  Now, my wife doesn't like the girl for other reasons but as I told her it was nothing and if the conversation would have expanded then I would have stopped it.  Now, I know I was wrong for not telling her but now it has been over a year and she still brings it up as a trust issue but doesn't seem to think what she did with the phone as a trust issue. She also asked my why I helped her with the resume and I told her that years ago when we were dating or right before we started she helped me out of a bad situation and after my mother died help during that process.  She tells me that she feels like I brought another woman into our marriage by helping her and that I chose my ex over her. I don't agree with that because as I said it was a limited conversation via email and I know it was with someone she doesn't like but to still be fighting over it now is a little much for me.  Just trying to figure out how to move past. 

I would like to know:

1-Where you found this gem that you married
2-Why you are permitting her to push you around.

I don't see an issue here. Apparently she does and I do not know why.

catsareniice1

So sorry you are going through this!

I guess all you can do is reiterate what happened on a day/night you feel she will listen to you. She should be concerned if you were flirting with her and if you carried on but you did not. While you probably should have told your wife (which you admitted), you didn't completely hide the correspondence. You sound like a wonderful man. She is lucky to have you. I hope things work out.  

GilliC

Your wife is pissed at you because you helped an ex with her resume? Wow.

How long ago was your relationship with this other woman? Did it overlap with your wife or something? Because her reaction seems way out of line to me. Does she other reasons not to trust you?

I wouldn't hesitate to help out most of my exes if they asked. I'm on very good terms with many of them, because we took that "Let's just be friends" mentality seriously.

Based on your posts, you two need some serious couples counseling. There is something seriously broken here, and no amount of internet-stranger advice is going to come close to fixing it.

TarponMonoxide

Guy: nip this in the bud now.

You've got a long road ahead of life with her and there is a child in the equation. Is every little thing going to be a big thing with her? Pick your battles and choose them wisely!

Life is too short to live like this.

And stand up for yourself. You have rights, too and she's got no call treating you like this. Is she your wife and equal or is she a dictator?

nurse714

You say you didn't tell your wife because you knew she wouldn't like it so why did you do it? No one else could help her with a resume? When it comes to my ex, I wouldn't do something concerning him if it bothered my husband. You also hid it from your wife, so that is another thing that probably has her upset. I'm sorry but if my husband did this to me, I would be mad and it would affect my trust. 

I don't know your posting history but according to pp, it sounds like you two should get counseling.

magsugar13

You shouldnt have married a woman who is so insecure.

My X  and i help each other out and talk often (we have 3 kids)  I would have never married a man who is immature and expected me to let him know each time we had a conversation. I am a grown woman and do not need his permission to speak to anyone.

GingerSL

If this is TRUELY the only "reason" you have given her not to trust you, then she is in the wrong. I have a feeling that this is just one of a series of issues that you feel aren't a big deal. Even if they aren't a big deal to you, they are to her and if you want to save your marriage you need to find out how to come to an agreement on how to handle contact with the opposite sex.

DrWifePhD

Based on this side of the story - I think you need to sit down without distractions and tell her that you understand not telling her about it up front was a mistake, you regret it, and you will never do something like that again.  IMHO, your mistake was not trusting her enough to tell her that your ex had contacted you for any reason.  No, she is not your parole officer, but in the interest of avoiding issues just like this, you should have felt comfortable saying, "My ex contacted me, she needs some job help, I would like to help her, but I will be happy to show you all of the exchanges if that would make you more comfortable with it."

Then I think you need to tell her that, in your mind, the communication was not inappropriate in the boundaries of your marriage.  However, she clearly feels differently.  You both need to discuss why she feels so threatened by this and decide what "rules" you can BOTH follow in the future to prevent feeling betrayed.  Do not accuse her of being overly sensitive.  The best way to do this is to use "I" statements.  "I felt that because nothing inappropriate was said between us that I didn't need to mention the conversation to you.  I think you may feel differently about it and I would like to hear your feelings."  And if she tells you her honest feelings, respect them.  

You are also within your rights to say "I am happy that we share passwords, but I feel that you going through my e-mails/phone/whatever without my knowledge was a violation of my trust.  I wish in the future if you thought I was up to something you would ask me and trust the answer I give you.  And if you can't, I would like for you to take some time and think about why that is."  We share passwords, and the only time I have ever used them is if I needed to confirm something through his email account or look up some specific information on his phone.  It was not right of her to use those passwords for anything else.  She also violated your trust by doing that.

If you approach this in a calm, adult manner, she will hopefully allow herself to set her emotions aside and do the same.  It may take a few days, and you should be patient.  But do not allow yourself to be victimized and feel free to firmly and calmly say "that is not fair" when she is accusing you of things you haven't done.  

There is always the chance that this is just an outward sign of other things going on with her right now, and it may not change.  Unfortunately, if she isn't willing to have an adult conversation about this I'm not sure therapy is really going to help either.  

Good luck and I hope you two can work it out.