Wife does no wrong

lostpuppy

My wife is verbally abusive but she doesn't seem to see it that way.  Whenever she is upset the verbal insults start to fly and after they are done she acts like it has not happened and we/I should simple move on.  Now, this situation comes up because my wife feels I don't jump through hoops for her, as she puts it.  The jump through hoops issue comes from the fact that we have not taken a trip in several years at this point and the fact that I have not planned it.  What I mean is this my wife works with other men and they tell her that they are doing this or that for their wives and she feels she doesn't get the same.  (Quick note: I have not planned a trip but have not told her she could not plan one for us) Now, over the last 5 years two of them I was in school for and working full time, we had a baby, and I have offered and she turned them down saying "she deserved better/more".  

Now, why I say verbally abusive is because the trip issue triggers fights at home.  During these fights I have been called several names and also told that "she married down" and that these other men are either better or love their wives more.  This has not been something that has been said once but several times.  But she gets upset when I say why am I jumping when you act like that.  I feel that I have given in in the past and now she feels that if she acts like this enough, she will get what she wants.  Also, now it is the I don't want to kiss or have sex because you don't do enough around the house of some other item.  Lets be clear she does a lot at home but so do I.  She will say she does everything by herself and these other men do either all the cleaning or all the cooking or gives their wives constant money.  In truth, until recently  my wife hadn't had to either gas or wash her car in years and maybe have taken it for service once or twice in that time frame as well.  I am the person who gets our child up, dressed, breakfast, lunch, and drop off at school.  I have made over 90% of every event she has had at either school or doctors. I am the night time person as well except for bath and dinner, once those things are completed I am the book reader, teeth brusher, and put me to bed person.  Now, I know lots of other men who don't do those things.  I also still clean up and do stuff around the house.  I don't get everything done around the house because somethings are just cosmetic and are on the nice to have list not the right now list.  But she feels that when I don't do something she asked I don't lover her or care about her and then I hear about these magical other men.  Anyway, I just need help and I wrong and need to adjust my thinking or what. 

BlueBirdMB

Wait I'm calling MUD.  Why would you post two posts on the same board right in a row?

TarponMonoxide

lostpuppy said:

Post on one board only. You'll get a better response.

My wife is verbally abusive but she doesn't seem to see it that way.  Whenever she is upset the verbal insults start to fly and after they are done she acts like it has not happened and we/I should simple move on. 

Cure her of her mess:

Go to an electronics store and get a mini tape recorder. Stash it on your person where she cannot see it. f the verbal insults start, they'll be recorded -- and then play 'em back for her. That'll end the mess once and for all and she can't deny she never said it.

She has no right to talk to you that way. Nip this in the bud.

yNow, this situation comes up because my wife feels I don't jump through hoops for her, as she puts it.  The jump through hoops issue comes from the fact that we have not taken a trip in several years at this point and the fact that I have not planned it.  What I mean is this my wife works with other men and they tell her that they are doing this or that for their wives and she feels she doesn't get the same.  (Quick note: I have not planned a trip but have not told her she could not plan one for us) Now, over the last 5 years two of them I was in school for and working full time, we had a baby, and I have offered and she turned them down saying "she deserved better/more". 

She can plan the trip, too, yanno!

Now, when  I say verbally abusive is because the trip issue triggers fights at home.  During these fights I have been called several names and also told that "she married down" and that these other men are either better or love their wives more. 

Might I ask why you are permitting her to insult you?

Stand up for your rights.

Wow, counseling stat for the both of you. She's acting like she's 6 years old and she isn't communicating with you like an adult. And if you want to know, you're being whiney about it and acting like a martyr. TIRED of her nonsense? END IT! Stand up for yourself! 

And if she doesn't cut it out, either you accept it as is or you take off and don't return. The choice is yours.

This has not been something that has been said once but several times.  But she gets upset when I say why am I jumping when you act like that.  I feel that I have given in in the past and now she feels that if she acts like this enough, she will get what she wants.  Also, now it is the I don't want to kiss or have sex because you don't do enough around the house of some other item.  Lets be clear she does a lot at home but so do I.  She will say she does everything by herself and these other men do either all the cleaning or all the cooking or gives their wives constant money.  In truth, until recently  my wife hadn't had to either gas or wash her car in years and maybe have taken it for service once or twice in that time frame as well.  I am the person who gets our child up, dressed, breakfast, lunch, and drop off at school. 

Why isn't she pulling the load on this also???

I have made over 90% of every event she has had at either school or doctors. I am the night time person as well except for bath and dinner, once those things are completed I am the book reader, teeth brusher, and put me to bed person.  Now, I know lots of other men who don't do those things.  I also still clean up and do stuff around the house.  I don't get everything done around the house because somethings are just cosmetic and are on the nice to have list not the right now list.  But she feels that when I don't do something she asked I don't lover her or care about her and then I hear about these magical other men.  Anyway, I just need help and I wrong and need to adjust my thinking or what. 

The problem is 2 fold:

 1  You do not stand uo for yourself and you are not ensuring that she gives her 100% to pull the load around the house.

Why is she so unavailable for doctor's visits, for the kids' bedtimes, for the story hour, for this and for that??? Is she a lady of leisure? Is she working? what is she doing with her time that you are stuck chopping the wood while she holds the lamp?

And you say she does nothing...but yet you are claiming she does her share. Which is it?

This whole thing you've posted is whackadoo. My head is spinning.

2- You do not stand up for yourself.

I suggest you begin right now. You let her talk to you like you're trash and you let her get away with murder while you do everything around the house.

Counseling for the both of you, as I said. She can't communicate and she handles conflicts like a small child.

hiljoys22

Wow, you do a lot. A LOT more than my husband. She needs to realize how lucky she is!

And another wow. She is acting like a spoiled brat. Expecting trips and getting upset because other husbands do *insert blank* for their wives and you don't? That's just rude and uncalled for.

If she wants a trip, she can plan it just as well as you can. I mean, I know there are always 2 sides to a story, but she sounds like she's expecting a lot from you. Has she always acted this way? And have you always put up with it?

I agree with PP, verbal abuse is never okay, and you should stick up for yourself when she does this. I 100% agree with the recorder as well. That way, she can hear the ridiculousness of her words and/or actions. Maybe then she'll get it and come back down from the clouds.

I do think a counselor would help you two communicate better. Call one, even if it's just for you. 

Good luck.

catsareniice1

I don't think this is MUD. Sounds like your wife may seriously have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Do you know if she has this or a personality disorder?

Sorry for what you're going through. You sound like an amazing person.

Knottie86667276

I don't buy it...You got married to this woman for a reason, I doubt she began acting this way all of a sudden...I hate to say it, but you made her  this way...Its hard for people to change, especially when their spouse tolerated their actions for this long. She's not going to be happy if you suddenly toughen up and start sticking up for yourself...

My brother was married for 3 years...he let her get away with EVERYTHING...she spent money left and right, called him names, made fun of him, complained, demanded gifts and trips and made sure he didn't see his family...he got sick of it, started get sticking up for himself, wouldn't tolerate her nonsense and demands...she demanded a divorce, married someone less than a year later and is not torturing this new guy...she refuses to work, STILL demanding vacations and gifts and the difference is she had a CHILD with this new guy, so he's reluctant to walk away, but he's miserable (he and my bro had a mutual friend, which is how I know this)

CandaceLafleur

This sounds like my mother. I don't think you made her this way. Your tolerance hasn't exactly helped, but people like this can be very manipulative.

Let me guess -

Nothing is ever her fault. If you are hurt it's your fault for making her angry. You are too sensitive. If you anger her you have ruined her entire day. Your job isn't good enough, your salary isn't good enough, your cleaning isn't good enough (seriously - hire a house cleaner for a few hours a week. The house will seem more under control and her rage about house cleanliness can be redirected toward a cleaner she never interacts with), your achievements are seen as direct competition to hers and any failing on her part is because you somehow kept her down - you were so aggravating that she was too tired and then got into difficulty at work, she doesn't go on vacations because you didn't plan a nice enough one, etc.

It goes on and on and on.

Read up on narcissitic personality disorders and some strategies to help.

Tofumonkey

^ That was me, signed in on old laptop. Whoops!

crimsonsaffron

These are VERY serious relationship problems. You should see a counsellor who can help you decide how to either work on the relationship or move on.