How to support them?

gryphonchild

This year has been a rough one for my DH's family and me.  Just about a year ago we lost my SIL to a brain tumor.  She was diagnosed in April and we lost her December 8 of the same year.  The anniversary is coming up and we're all starting to feel it.  

    Last Christmas was very hard as it was our first holiday without her.  Christmas was her favorite and, while hurting, i know we all wanted to honor her and her memory by trying to make it good if we could, if not for ourselves, than for my MIL and FIL. It mostly worked. This year, DH and i were talking about Christmas and getting ready for the holidays and he tells me (this is paraphrasing) Christmas is ruined for the rest of our lives because she died before it. 

    I feel like i'm being selfish saying this, but i can't live like that.  Christmas to me was always a time of joy and miracles.  The time to believe in the wonder of the world. We don't have children yet and i don't want a pall to always be hanging over Christmas, especially once we have children. They should be able to experience that wonder. 

    How do i provide the support that they need during this time? I've tried being there, offering quiet support and holding back a lot of things that i've wanted to say when he (and others in his family) have said things that hurt me and others. I want our family to not only survive this, but to thrive and be as whole as we can while still honoring her memory. How can i keep Christmas in the way that she and i loved to and not hurt our family?  Thank you for any advice.  may you all have a blessed holiday season. 

TarponMonoxide

gryphonchild said:

This year has been a rough one for my DH's family and me.  Just about a year ago we lost my SIL to a brain tumor.  She was diagnosed in April and we lost her December 8 of the same year.  The anniversary is coming up and we're all starting to feel it.  

    Last Christmas was very hard as it was our first holiday without her.  Christmas was her favorite and, while hurting, i know we all wanted to honor her and her memory by trying to make it good if we could, if not for ourselves, than for my MIL and FIL. It mostly worked. This year, DH and i were talking about Christmas and getting ready for the holidays and he tells me (this is paraphrasing) Christmas is ruined for the rest of our lives because she died before it. 

    I feel like i'm being selfish saying this, but i can't live like that.  Christmas to me was always a time of joy and miracles.  The time to believe in the wonder of the world. We don't have children yet and i don't want a pall to always be hanging over Christmas, especially once we have children. They should be able to experience that wonder. 

    How do i provide the support that they need during this time? I've tried being there, offering quiet support and holding back a lot of things that i've wanted to say when he (and others in his family) have said things that hurt me and others. I want our family to not only survive this, but to thrive and be as whole as we can while still honoring her memory. How can i keep Christmas in the way that she and i loved to and not hurt our family?  Thank you for any advice.  may you all have a blessed holiday season. 

Why don't you make a nice little Christmas momento for your family members?

You don't have to be an artist to do it, either --- make something simple -- get a photograph of your SIL -- maybe something taken at a family function -- and put it in a little frame, small enough to serve as a nice Christmas ornament.

Add some ribbon to the top of the frame --- I am sure they will appreciate the sentiment of it.

You could probably decopage it to one of those clear glass Christmas balls, also. Print the photo on regular printer paper; this way the photo will have more "bend" so it easily reaches around the ball -- get some Modge Podge and glue it on. Add some to the photo to add some gloss.:) 

Maybe make a few of these, perhaps one for everyone.  There's nothing like looking at an old family photo.

I am sad when I think of what your H said --- my mother more or less had the same mindset, too, when we were kids -- she did not want anything Christmas in our house the first season after Dad died -- and wow, he died in very early October.

A first Thanksgiving or Christmas minus a loved one is always the worst one. You feel the loss very acutely.

Sorry for your loss.

Disneygeek77

When my daughter died, I felt the same way.  Not just with Christmas, but with life in general.  I felt that my life was ruined and I would never be happy again.  I have talked to other grieving parents and they felt something similar, that their lives were ruined.  Now, almost 8 years since her death, I can now say that my life was not ruined.  I still have many moments of happiness and joy, but a part of me will always be a little bit sad.  

What helped most was grief counseling and time.   It took a few years, but I did start to feel happiness again.  

My advice to you is to possibly encourage grief counseling for him and his parents.  HAving been through it, I can say it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.  My counselor emphasized that I would never feel " normal " again.  Instead I would have a new normal.  In this new normal, I would still have moments of happiness and joy, but part of me will always be a little sad and she was right.  I don't know how else to describe it.  

My other advice is to not force them to cheer up and be happy.  They experienced a loss and it is ok to be sad and grieve.  Trust me,  there is nothing worse than being around people that simply won't let you be sad for your loss and are always trying to cheer you up or to look on the bright side.  Maybe that is why it is especially hard for them this year because last year they felt forced to make it a good holiday for her sake.  This year their true feelings are coming out.  So let them be sad this year and find a way to honor her memory, then each subsequent year slowly start adding more happy traditions but at the same time accept that a part of them will always be a little sad.  

Wahoo

Wow.  I can see how sad your DH and his family are, but I also understand that you do not want every Christmas going forward to have a  cloud over it.  That's not fair to you or your (future) children.  I would take into consideration that the first year is the hardest, so this year has been / will be especially bad for them.

If your DH says something like that again, I would say/ask "Your sister loved Christmas so much - do you really think the best way to honor her is by being sad?"  I would not TELL him "that is not right way to honor our sister," I would ASK the question.  You could also suggest some other ways to honor your sister's memory - donating gifts to needy children, arranging to go caroling, holding a special religious service in her name.  

I would also suggest that, while giving your H space and allowing him to be lonely and sad, you do not have to deny yourself Christmas happiness.  If you want to go a Christmas party(for example) and your H says "I can never have fun at a Christmas party.  I don't want to go."  That's fine.  Tell him you realize he needs time for himself, but you will be going.  

There are many ways to grieve.  His is not the only way and yours is not the only way.  Having fun at Christmas (after the first year) does not mean that you don't care about your SIL or never loved her or doesn't miss her.  

dutchgirl76

I have this same issue. I lost my mom just over 2 years ago now (Nov) and Christmas is REALLY tough for me. I grew up with addiction in my family so we had a lot of bad Christmases prior to my mom's passing...with that being said my husband has nothing but happy memories and I have to move forward at some point.

The first year my mom was gone I was so numb it wasn't as hard. As PP's said we bought ornaments to honor my mom (she liked penguins and liked to knit so wouldn't you know I found one of a knitting penguin.) Last year was harder once it "hit me" that she was really gone. I compromised with my husband to decorate later (not the weekend of Thanksgiving) and do a little less decorating. 

So I say don't push your husband, but see if you can create a compromise. As silly as it sounds time does heal wounds but everyone's grief is so different. Has he tried grief counseling or a support group? I tried both and it helped a LOT, they actually walk you through how to have a holiday for everyone else and help you start to enjoy the holiday again.

Keep in mind the hardest thing about the holidays for those with recent loss is the reality of the "new normal" as PP said it's just so hard to know that person won't be there anymore no matter how many times you move your plans. It also puts a huge burden on your loved one to say "hey you have to celebrate the holiday and be happy" when they are probably hurting so much inside.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you both find peace this holiday