Trying to decide if I should leave...

ashleyjsc

Hi Ladies, 

I haven't posted on the Nest in a long long time, but I really need some advice. And sorry, this is going to be a long one, so if you don't want to read/help I totally understand. Also, this is going to be a little graphic, so, sorry.  Thanks in advance for those who read this whole thing!

Last night my husband got rip-roaringly drunk. We got home and he started taking off all his clothes. He wanted water, which he spilled all over the house. I asked him if he was ok, if he needed to throw up, etc, and he kept saying no. He decided he was going to bed and left me alone downstairs to close up the house put the dogs to bed, set the alarm etc. As I'm walking up the stairs I can hear him coughing, and I find him in our guestroom bed having vomited all over himself, the bedding and the floor. He was non responsive (even to me screaming), and I had to drag this 200 lb man to the bath tub. To keep this very long story short, he wouldn't drink water, he kept vomiting everywhere, and he started verbally abusing me. He was yelling so much and so loudly that he scared the dogs downstairs into a barking frenzy (somewhere around 3:30 AM). I was slumped on the floor crying and asking him to stop yelling, which he would not. He said the meanest, most hurtful things I have ever heard him say to me. He knows I have depression (which only makes this story worse), and yet he continued to hurl the insults. I was awake until 4:45 am cleaning up the vomit from the bedding and the floors and trying to make sure he didn't pass out (and die from alcohol poisoning), and all he could do was yell at me. In retrospect, I should have called 911 and had an ambulance just take him immediately after I found him in the pool of his own vomit. 

This morning he claims he doesn't remember any of it. I told him in great detail what he said and did and how much it hurt me. He promises he will never drink again, since he obviously cannot control himself, and he keeps repeating that he is "so sorry." I also know that I am going to have PTSD after what he put me through and the threats he was making-- I have been having memories flashing and crying all day. It doesn't help that I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night. I feel like he showed me what he is capable of and I am honestly terrified of the monster he became. We have only been married two and a half years, but I feel like divorce might be my only option at this point. He claims he doesn't know what he was saying to me, and he didn't mean any of it, but I can't help but think that if he thought of it while black-out drunk, he must have those awful feelings towards me somewhere inside. 

I just don't know what to do. My gut tells me to end the relationship since we have no kids, and our house can be sold. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and have heard all the "I'm so sorry, I love you so much, don't worry I won't do it again" lies, and they always come back. My current husband has only done something similar to this one time on a much smaller scale before we were married, but I feel like this proves he's not capable of being a responsible drinker and will do this again. I can't believe him when he says that he won't do this to me again. I also can't see myself having children with a person like this, who can lose control of himself so easily. I really feel like I should get out, but we've been together for five and a half years and he has been a good man for the most part. I just don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice from you wonderful ladies out there. 

Thanks again if you read this entire gigantic post. I really appreciate the advice. 

magsugar13

Your husband seems to have a drinking problem. When he drinks he also has an abuse problem.

While he is only verbally abusive this time, next time might not be the same.

If you are interested in working on this issue and trying to save your marriage, i would insist on counseling, AA, and alanon for you. You do not have to be living under the same roof while doing this.

If you dont feel safe then you need to leave.

BlueBirdMB

I believe a person has a drinking problem the moment they A) drink to change their mood or behavior or can't control the amount they drink.  It sounds like your husband can't control the amount he drinks.  Has he done this before or is this an isolated instance?  

I think you should go to counseling- call tomorrow and set an appointment.  Go from there.  

TarponMonoxide

ashleyjsc said:

Hi Ladies, 

I haven't posted on the Nest in a long long time, but I really need some advice. And sorry, this is going to be a long one, so if you don't want to read/help I totally understand. Also, this is going to be a little graphic, so, sorry.  Thanks in advance for those who read this whole thing!

Last night my husband got rip-roaringly drunk. We got home and he started taking off all his clothes. He wanted water, which he spilled all over the house. I asked him if he was ok, if he needed to throw up, etc, and he kept saying no. He decided he was going to bed and left me alone downstairs to close up the house put the dogs to bed, set the alarm etc. As I'm walking up the stairs I can hear him coughing, and I find him in our guestroom bed having vomited all over himself, the bedding and the floor. He was non responsive (even to me screaming), and I had to drag this 200 lb man to the bath tub. To keep this very long story short, he wouldn't drink water, he kept vomiting everywhere, and he started verbally abusing me. He was yelling so much and so loudly that he scared the dogs downstairs into a barking frenzy (somewhere around 3:30 AM). I was slumped on the floor crying and asking him to stop yelling, which he would not. He said the meanest, most hurtful things I have ever heard him say to me. He knows I have depression (which only makes this story worse), and yet he continued to hurl the insults. I was awake until 4:45 am cleaning up the vomit from the bedding and the floors and trying to make sure he didn't pass out (and die from alcohol poisoning), and all he could do was yell at me. In retrospect, I should have called 911 and had an ambulance just take him immediately after I found him in the pool of his own vomit. 

This morning he claims he doesn't remember any of it. I told him in great detail what he said and did and how much it hurt me. He promises he will never drink again, since he obviously cannot control himself, and he keeps repeating that he is "so sorry." I also know that I am going to have PTSD after what he put me through and the threats he was making-- I have been having memories flashing and crying all day. It doesn't help that I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night. I feel like he showed me what he is capable of and I am honestly terrified of the monster he became. We have only been married two and a half years, but I feel like divorce might be my only option at this point. He claims he doesn't know what he was saying to me, and he didn't mean any of it, but I can't help but think that if he thought of it while black-out drunk, he must have those awful feelings towards me somewhere inside. 

I just don't know what to do. My gut tells me to end the relationship since we have no kids, and our house can be sold. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and have heard all the "I'm so sorry, I love you so much, don't worry I won't do it again" lies, and they always come back. My current husband has only done something similar to this one time on a much smaller scale before we were married, but I feel like this proves he's not capable of being a responsible drinker and will do this again. I can't believe him when he says that he won't do this to me again. I also can't see myself having children with a person like this, who can lose control of himself so easily. I really feel like I should get out, but we've been together for five and a half years and he has been a good man for the most part. I just don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice from you wonderful ladies out there. 

Thanks again if you read this entire gigantic post. I really appreciate the advice. 

Wow --- and why didn't you call an amubulance when he was unresponsive???

He may have had a drunken blackout and remembered none of it or he may be lying and yes, he remembers all of it.

My very strong suggestion:

Leave him.

He has a drinking problem.

He was drunk and out of control --- is this how you want to live your life?

I would also like to know why you tolerated him drinking like a fish at that party. I am sure you knew he had more than 3 drinks during one point in the evening -- and more than 3 to me is way too excessive for any event.

Leave him; he's got a drinking problem.

And also for you: go to AlAnon and tell them what you told us. I am sure you will get the same response that I gave.

ashleyjsc

BlueBirdMB said:

Has he done this before or is this an isolated instance?  

 

He has only done something like this once before we were married, and it was not close to being as bad as this was. The other handful of times he has been way over served he has gotten mean, but never physically hurt/touched me. 

He told me he understands that he cannot control the amount he drinks, and says he's going to stop drinking all together. The problem is, I don't believe him. The industry he works in is very male dominated, and the men go out for dinner and drinks with accounts and networking events and they all involve alcohol. I think he will give in to peer pressure and drink. I'm still young and I don't want to waste more time believing he will do what he says, only to be in the same situation in a year or two. 

Up until now I have believed him to be a good man, but now I am just scared I am wasting my life with him.

magsugar13

Well, then you should go with your gut. Leave now.

noffgurl

I would suggest going to a supporting family members house for a couple months at least while pursuing individual (both of you) and marital counseling. I err on the side of believing he doesn't remember any of it but there is no reason to drink so much that you black out. As far as peer pressure, he can talk to the bartender/waiter about making his drinks virgin or incredibly diluted so it looks like he is drinking along with the guys without getting drunk.

BlueBirdMB

ashleyjsc said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Has he done this before or is this an isolated instance?  

 

He has only done something like this once before we were married, and it was not close to being as bad as this was. The other handful of times he has been way over served he has gotten mean, but never physically hurt/touched me. 

He told me he understands that he cannot control the amount he drinks, and says he's going to stop drinking all together. The problem is, I don't believe him. The industry he works in is very male dominated, and the men go out for dinner and drinks with accounts and networking events and they all involve alcohol. I think he will give in to peer pressure and drink. I'm still young and I don't want to waste more time believing he will do what he says, only to be in the same situation in a year or two. 

Up until now I have believed him to be a good man, but now I am just scared I am wasting my life with him.

This isn't a matter of him lying.  I'm sure wants to give up drinking, but he obviously has a disease that is in his head speaking to him.  He needs help to stop drinking, he can't do this alone.

TarponMonoxide

ashleyjsc said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Has he done this before or is this an isolated instance?  

 

He has only done something like this once before we were married, and it was not close to being as bad as this was. The other handful of times he has been way over served he has gotten mean, but never physically hurt/touched me. 

He told me he understands that he cannot control the amount he drinks, and says he's going to stop drinking all together. The problem is, I don't believe him. The industry he works in is very male dominated, and the men go out for dinner and drinks with accounts and networking events and they all involve alcohol. I think he will give in to peer pressure and drink. I'm still young and I don't want to waste more time believing he will do what he says, only to be in the same situation in a year or two. 

Up until now I have believed him to be a good man, but now I am just scared I am wasting my life with him.

  The only way this mess will end is if he hits rock bottom and realizes he's got a drinking problem -- and only then will he get to AA.

He cannot "quit" on his own: not acceptable. he needs the help of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor. Cold turkey or going on the wagon will not suffice.

Trust your gut. It never fails you. GL. 

BendTilIBreak

If this is the only reason you are thinking about leaving, tell him the only way you will stay is if he gets treatment. If you love him, he needs your support, but you are under no obligation to give it, vows or not IMO. Abuse of any kind trumps vows.

DrWifePhD

Working in a male-dominated field is not an excuse to have even one drink.  AA will teach him how to handle social situations like that.  AA is a MUST.  ASAP.  Today if possible.

As for your mental health after all of this, you need to go see someone objective.  Find a good counselor.  Get space for yourself in a way that will make you most comfortable.  If that means you stay home and he moves in with someone else, then make him do it.  He's the one who screwed up.  Right now he needs to work on his issues and you need to focus on making yourself feel better because until you feel comfortable in your own skin again you will not be able to be part of a functional marriage (this one or the next if that is what you decide).

If you love him and want to give him the chance to redeem himself with help from AA and whatever else is needed, I support that decision.  He has a sickness, unfortunately, and hopefully it can be treated.  However, I think you need to have a plan in place in case he does not follow through with AA or if he lapses like that again.  Then I think you should tell him what the consequences will be if he ever lapses like that again.  There is a fine line between supporter and enabler, and you want to make sure that you stay on the right side of it.

I have been in a similar situation in a past relationship and my heart goes out to you.  It's hard to know whether to stay or to go (it was easier for me because we did not even live together), but right now the most important thing is to make him take ownership and responsibility for himself and let you have the space and help to get yourself in a better place.  You have been through a lot of trauma, once you start feeling more comfortable in your own skin again, you may find the decision will be easy to make.

mrstrevor3

magsugar13 said:

Your husband seems to have a drinking problem. When he drinks he also has an abuse problem.

While he is only verbally abusive this time, next time might not be the same.

If you are interested in working on this issue and trying to save your marriage, i would insist on counseling, AA, and alanon for you. You do not have to be living under the same roof while doing this.

If you dont feel safe then you need to leave.

Let him leave, you didn't do anything wrong and don't need to go anywhere.

mrstrevor3

TarponMonoxide said:

ashleyjsc said:

Hi Ladies, 

I haven't posted on the Nest in a long long time, but I really need some advice. And sorry, this is going to be a long one, so if you don't want to read/help I totally understand. Also, this is going to be a little graphic, so, sorry.  Thanks in advance for those who read this whole thing!

Last night my husband got rip-roaringly drunk. We got home and he started taking off all his clothes. He wanted water, which he spilled all over the house. I asked him if he was ok, if he needed to throw up, etc, and he kept saying no. He decided he was going to bed and left me alone downstairs to close up the house put the dogs to bed, set the alarm etc. As I'm walking up the stairs I can hear him coughing, and I find him in our guestroom bed having vomited all over himself, the bedding and the floor. He was non responsive (even to me screaming), and I had to drag this 200 lb man to the bath tub. To keep this very long story short, he wouldn't drink water, he kept vomiting everywhere, and he started verbally abusing me. He was yelling so much and so loudly that he scared the dogs downstairs into a barking frenzy (somewhere around 3:30 AM). I was slumped on the floor crying and asking him to stop yelling, which he would not. He said the meanest, most hurtful things I have ever heard him say to me. He knows I have depression (which only makes this story worse), and yet he continued to hurl the insults. I was awake until 4:45 am cleaning up the vomit from the bedding and the floors and trying to make sure he didn't pass out (and die from alcohol poisoning), and all he could do was yell at me. In retrospect, I should have called 911 and had an ambulance just take him immediately after I found him in the pool of his own vomit. 

This morning he claims he doesn't remember any of it. I told him in great detail what he said and did and how much it hurt me. He promises he will never drink again, since he obviously cannot control himself, and he keeps repeating that he is "so sorry." I also know that I am going to have PTSD after what he put me through and the threats he was making-- I have been having memories flashing and crying all day. It doesn't help that I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night. I feel like he showed me what he is capable of and I am honestly terrified of the monster he became. We have only been married two and a half years, but I feel like divorce might be my only option at this point. He claims he doesn't know what he was saying to me, and he didn't mean any of it, but I can't help but think that if he thought of it while black-out drunk, he must have those awful feelings towards me somewhere inside. 

I just don't know what to do. My gut tells me to end the relationship since we have no kids, and our house can be sold. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and have heard all the "I'm so sorry, I love you so much, don't worry I won't do it again" lies, and they always come back. My current husband has only done something similar to this one time on a much smaller scale before we were married, but I feel like this proves he's not capable of being a responsible drinker and will do this again. I can't believe him when he says that he won't do this to me again. I also can't see myself having children with a person like this, who can lose control of himself so easily. I really feel like I should get out, but we've been together for five and a half years and he has been a good man for the most part. I just don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice from you wonderful ladies out there. 

Thanks again if you read this entire gigantic post. I really appreciate the advice. 

Wow --- and why didn't you call an amubulance when he was unresponsive???

He may have had a drunken blackout and remembered none of it or he may be lying and yes, he remembers all of it.

My very strong suggestion:

Leave him.

He has a drinking problem.

He was drunk and out of control --- is this how you want to live your life?

I would also like to know why you tolerated him drinking like a fish at that party. I am sure you knew he had more than 3 drinks during one point in the evening -- and more than 3 to me is way too excessive for any event.

Leave him; he's got a drinking problem.

And also for you: go to AlAnon and tell them what you told us. I am sure you will get the same response that I gave.

So quick to walk away from a lifetime commitment, huh. I say have you husband go stay somewhere else, start counseling and AA, and go from there. It can take a really long time to regain that trust (if you ever can), but it is worth a shot or two to save your marriage.

OatGirl12

It caught my attention that PP said, "So quick to walk away from a lifetime commitment, huh."  If this was a one-off situation, I'd feel the same way as PP, but I also am guessing that this episode wouldn't have been so disturbing to you if there had been no other problems leading up to it.  Perhaps I'm wrong.  Either way, it sounds like you have checked out (and I don't mean that to be negative).  It sounds like you have internally decided what you want, but need the confidence, strength, support, and approval to do it.  Your gut is all you need - you are strong enough.  I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend that had a few similar drinking episodes.  It is no way to live and because of those few episodes, we broke up, and I am skiddish around anyone drinking a lot and don't deal well.  I avoid most situations like that.  It made me realize it was important to me NOT to be in a relationship with someone who could take drinking too far.  I don't take it too far, so I had to realize there were men out there that also wouldn't and NOT compromise on that.  Listen to your gut - there is a reason why it is not treating this episode as "just a bad night" to move on from.

magsugar13

mrstrevor3 said:

magsugar13 said:

Your husband seems to have a drinking problem. When he drinks he also has an abuse problem.

While he is only verbally abusive this time, next time might not be the same.

If you are interested in working on this issue and trying to save your marriage, i would insist on counseling, AA, and alanon for you. You do not have to be living under the same roof while doing this.

If you dont feel safe then you need to leave.

Let him leave, you didn't do anything wrong and don't need to go anywhere.

I guess you missed the point.

If she feels like her husband is going to hurt her she needs to leave the house ASAP

peapine

You have no kids, your house can be sold, RUN, dont walk. LEAVE him. This verbal abuse while drink  will eventually turn into verbal abuse during other "normal times", which will lead to physical land emtotional abuse. Trust me. You are lucky that you have a choice to leave now!