Some days I want to give up on my vows.

katiegesmundo

I don't even know where to stat. I come from a very traditional family, yet with divorced parents. So I didn't wNt to make their mistake. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2. I know in my heart he is a wonderful man and I'm lucky except about every other day I want to leave. So many things bother me and it's so hard to get through to him because he is so stubborn! First our sex life is awful. I was only with one person before him and I am also 5 years younger than him.....so that means I want more sex and he doesn't seem to get it. I just don't think once every 2 weeks is enough. I feel like I'm in my prime and I want to have this time before kids come along. Oh and that's another thing. I told him on our 3 rd date thatif he didn't want kids that we shouldn't continue to see one another. He said kids were fine but years down the road. We'll guess what..... we are getting close to that point and he refuses to talk about saving and planning for them. I also feel like my opinion on him being a good dad has changed now that we are married and he doesn't "try" ( helping around the house, picking up after himself, and being romantic) as hard as he did before we got married. I'm so over it!!!! I take my vows very serious and I'm trying so hard to make this work. I quit a job I really liked to go to one that I don't love just because he wanted me to make more money. He was making me feel like a financial burden. He won't make our finances joint, yet I didn't come into our relationship with any debt like he did. I'm always looking up new ideas for dates and putting in all the romantic effort. I called about counseling yet when it came time to go he won't. I just want more and can't constantly feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm stuck in the middle of feeling like do I leave, or do I stay.

nurse714

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I come from a very traditional and religious family so thinking about divorce would be the last thing I would want to do. It sounds like your husband isn't putting any effort into the marriage and doesn't care about making you happy. That must be very frustrating for you. I was going to suggest counseling but you said he refuses to go, so I would sit him down and make sure he really knows how serious and unhappy you are and tell him that if he wants this marriage to be successful, then he needs to go to counseling and or change his ways.

I wish you the best of luck. 

VOR

O.k. - you being 5 years younger than him really isn't the reason for the difference in sex drives.  Age doesn't play THAT big of a role.  he just has a different level of sex drive than you - period.

Second, I think you might want to start evaluating what makes a man a "wonderful" man and why exactly it is that you're so lucky to have  him. Why isn't he lucky to have you?

Honestly- sounds like this may have been a mismatch from the start.  he doesn't seem to really want what you want.  And he doesn't sound like a true partner. 

I think staying married in an unhappy marriage is FAR worse than divorcing and learning from  your mistakes.

magsugar13

I'm trying to find one thing that is so wonderful about him and what makes you so lucky? Can't find a thing. I believe this is what he has convinced you of and so you started to believe it.

I call bullshit on that!

the age/sex thing is also crap. There are plenty of men who are older than their partners and want a lot of sex. Do not use your H as an example.

Disneygeek77

I have a few questions

So he lied to you about wanting children ?

Why don't you have joint accounts again ?

Why do you think he is wonderful ?  I see no redeeming qualities about him.

noffgurl

I am with Disney on this one. I understand wanting to avoid divorce but there has to be some positive to grab onto. I would have suggested taking a break (shocking him by going to live somewhere else for awhile to show your serious) and going to marriage counseling, but barring that. . . shock him.

GilliC

You quit your job because he wanted you to make more money? Are you sure? Did he say that? Or is that something you interpreted?

It sounds like at the very least there are some very serious communication problems here. IMO god communication is the most important thing in a relationship, so I would strongly recommend counseling for both of you to find a better way to discuss these things. How much sex you want, when to have kids, what's an adequate level of housework, etc. Frankly, these are things that should be hammered out entirely before you get married, so hopefully you'll be able to find common ground if you can find a way to help each other understand where you're both coming from.

However, if he refuses to go to counseling or things don't improve, take a long hard look at things. If you were to both live until 70, how many years would that be? Do you want to spend all of those years feeling the same way you do now?

I grew up in a non-divorced home and was raised to see divorce as a failure. I ended up staying with my XH for nearly 8 years because neither of us wanted to disappoint our families or suffer the shame of splitting up. We finally "gave up," and I'm actually happier than I've ever been.

DrWifePhD

A lot has been thrown out here, and without knowing details it's hard for any of us to say what the right answer is.

First, GilliC is right.  "Kids are fine" is not the end of the conversation before you get married.  When/under what conditions, how many, will someone stay home, etc., are all things to discuss BEFORE you take your vows.  But that's done now.

We are only getting your half of this story, and we don't know you, so I am trying my best to be an objective third party.  So unlike some of the PPs I will play devil's advocate and assume that both of you have a part in what is going on right now.  This is nothing against you personally, so please don't take it that way. 

Based on how you have phrased things, you blame him a lot for what is happening in your marriage.  You make it seem that he was this kid-friendly, romantic, helpful, super-great guy and then you took some vows and now he's a dud.  I believe in reality you overestimated him before marriage, have unrealistic expectations that he fails to meet (and may not even know about), or something else is also at play here (or some combination of all of the above).  For example, did he take a new or more stressful job or have some other major life changing event around the time you were married that may have contributed to some of his changes in behavior?

He should discuss things with you, but is it at all possible that you are bringing up these topics in a way that is maybe too confrontational and overwhelming for him?  The way you wrote your post you had a ready laundry list of complaints to give to us that sounded like a very well rehearsed argument to me.  Maybe you should try a different way of approaching a single topic at a time.  And don't let the other complaints distract you from the one issue you have agreed to discuss.

And now pardon me as I read between the lines of what you said.  Finances appear to be an issue for you two.  He has debt, he wanted you to take a job for the pay raise, he has some (maybe unjustified) financial control issues.  If I were to guess why he doesn't want children right this instant, I would bet it's related to his feelings that you two are not financially stable.  I don't know what both of you do for a living, or if you are in careers where things will "get easier" after so many years of overtime, but if you've only been married for two years he may feel that you have time to wait.  

Again I am being a devil's advocate here so don't take it personally, I am a little worried about your maturity in this relationship.  You don't have to have joint bank accounts as a couple, but you should have the ability to see and access the accounts he keeps.  You should know what amount of debt you are in, what money you do and do not have, and some understanding of the household expenses.  All good adults should know about their finances, and while you're married his finances are your finances.  You should ask nicely but firmly to be included in the financial aspect of your marriage.  He might welcome the interest, or he might have control issues about it but he needs to respect you as a partner.  You also blame him for the job change you made.  Yet you still have free will, so either you decided to let him control you (which is now going to be hard to undo), or you decided to do it for your marriage (at which point stop complaining and find a different job or a way to like the one you have now). 

So now, some nice things to say to you.  You are clearly miserable right now, and I think it would do you (and possibly your marriage) a whole world of good to make some changes that will make you happy.  Find a hobby you like, start making a standing "date night" with girlfriends every month, find something you and your husband can both enjoy doing together (even just a TV show you both enjoy).  Find things at your job you can be happy about that will help make it more tolerable.  (If you can't, then you probably need to find a new job.)  Don't ignore your marriage or your husband, but do some little things throughout the day that will improve your mood.  When you are as unhappy as your post sounds, it colors everything around you.  Maybe your marriage is making you miserable, or maybe you're miserable about the job and it is affecting your marriage.  Maybe both.  

I can't say for sure, but he may stop seeing you as another stress in his day and start seeing you as the woman he fell in love with, and maybe you'll start seeing more of the attention you want.  That is not to say that he shouldn't do things to make you happy already, but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness, so I suggest you go ahead and be happy.  And maybe once you're happy your decision will be clearer.

Good luck.