It's Personal

skylily

Recently, my immediate family was invited to a social gathering for the holidays. I respectfully declined because of a personal matter. I have now had two people demand to know my reason for not attending, and upon learning the reason they have continued to find ways around my issue. While a part of me feels that one of the two was trying to be helpful, I mostly feel that they are less concerned about my well being as they are about our attendance at the party. Do people only want to know "why" you're doing something so that they can work around it to get what they want? How can I respectfully say, "I said 'No'" without being rude, and without having to answer to someone about my decision?

Disneygeek77

" Do people only want to know "why" you're doing something so that they can work around it to get what they want?"

Sometimes, yes they want to know so that they can argue with you.  Other times they are concerned.

What works for me is telling people " Sorry, but we have plans that day."  If they ask what the plans are, I keep repeating myself " We have plans."   I don't give details and if they persist I will say " We have plans and please don't ask me anymore."  No conversations have gone beyond that.  I don't think that is rude of me.  If anyone is rude, it is the one you doesn't get the hint.  

The one time my husband did actually tell them what our plans were, we were met with excuses as to why our plans weren't good enough.  I told him that would happen, so now he knows what I mean when I say "Don't give details, be vague and keep repeating yourself until they get it."

TarponMonoxide

"Sorry but I really can't make it this year" will do the trick.

VOR

They can demand "why" but that doesn't mean you have to tell them.  And really- they are the ones being rude to demand an answer.

You say "I can't come". 
Them "why"
You "I'd rather not get into the details.  Sorry I'll have to miss it!".
Them "It's o.k. - I want to know".
Stand firm on "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss it. " and repeat as often as necessary.

Cindy41710

Yeah.  They're the rude ones by demanding to butt into your business.  I'd tell them "I can't make it, and the reason is personal.  If you ask again I'm going to tell you it's none of your business."  Or else I just may not answer their calls, texts or e-mails until the event is over.