Should I stay? Am I being selfish?

chief0401

I'm in a dilemma. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 1/2. We live in a college town waiting for my husband to finish his schooling in a passion he's had since he was a child. I have been graduated with a graduate degree and working until he was done. Now that he is finally done, he comes home and says he wants to pursue med school. We are in our early 30s. We don't have children or a home yet. I haven't been able to pursue my dream career because I've been waiting for him to finish for 2 years. He will need to take 1 year of science classes, MCAT exam, 4 years of med school and 4 years of residency. He now says medical school is his dream (yet no one has heard of this dream until now). He is also unsure what kind of a doctor he wants to be. He thought eye doctor, but that is a shorter, different path. He has to stay in the state we are in due to it being paid for from his time in the service. We planned on leaving the state. I don't want to resent him. But, our marriage isn't the best due to him lying and not helping. To me it seems like he is avoiding responsibility and trying not to grow up. But he says that isn't so. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to go medical school? I tried to compromise and say start science classes now and then we can leave state in the summer and have him pursue med school somewhere else. But he says no it has to be the state we are in. I just need a clear perspective because we are wondering if we should be together or just end it now. Thanks for your help and advice. 

puppylove2014

How has he lied? What do you mean by "not helping"?

Some of my advice would depend on that.

I find it odd that he doesn't know what kind of doctor he wants to be. WHY does he want to be a doctor? If he can't give you a legit answer to that, you may want to think twice about wasting more time here. 

It's one thing to sacrifice for a common goal you both agree on...but...My feeling is if one person unilaterally decides to change such a set plan (as it sounds like you two had)...there needs to be a mutually beneficial renegotiation. If you can't come to an agreement, it may be time to cut your losses. 

Hopefully you can come up with a new plan that works for both of you. 

chief0401

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. To answer your questions - when I say not helping, he just is either at this part time job or home playing on the computer/watching tv. I work full time and I have to be the one who cooks, cleans, etc. And when I say he lied, I mean he tells me he's going to do something, like find a full time job, and doesn't. I hope that helps. Sorry I wasn't clear in the beginning. I feel alone and used. I want to support my husband, but I'd like support to.

puppylove2014

With what you've posted, it sounds like you have really poor communication. 

I would suggest counseling. You guys need to get on the same page, or realize you can't.

To be honest, he's not going to be more helpful while in med school, he's not going to be more helpful while interning, and he's not going to be more helpful once he's a doctor (that's a big IF this all happens). You really have to be on board if he's going to do this. It's a serious commitment. He's goign to be way too busy to work or help around the house.

Until he has a solid career path and an answer to why he wants to become a doctor, I would have one foot out the door. But, that's me. 

VOR

Um, yeah, he seems to live life based on "whims".  He's been in school for a dream but now that he's there - that's not what he wants?

For the fact that he doesn't seem to care about what you want - I don't know.  You all aren't on the same page.  If he really can't even say what it is that he wants to DO and while at home, he sits around and plays games and doesn't help.... yeah, it seems like he's avoiding growing up and being a fully responsible adult. 

I couldn't be in a marriage where the support doesn't go both ways and where it's not really an equal marriage.

chief0401

Thanks Everyone! 

GilliC

chief0401 said:

I'm in a dilemma. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 1/2. We live in a college town waiting for my husband to finish his schooling in a passion he's had since he was a child. I have been graduated with a graduate degree and working until he was done. Now that he is finally done, he comes home and says he wants to pursue med school. We are in our early 30s. We don't have children or a home yet. I haven't been able to pursue my dream career because I've been waiting for him to finish for 2 years. He will need to take 1 year of science classes, MCAT exam, 4 years of med school and 4 years of residency. He now says medical school is his dream (yet no one has heard of this dream until now). He is also unsure what kind of a doctor he wants to be. He thought eye doctor, but that is a shorter, different path. He has to stay in the state we are in due to it being paid for from his time in the service. We planned on leaving the state. I don't want to resent him. But, our marriage isn't the best due to him lying and not helping. To me it seems like he is avoiding responsibility and trying not to grow up. But he says that isn't so. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to go medical school? I tried to compromise and say start science classes now and then we can leave state in the summer and have him pursue med school somewhere else. But he says no it has to be the state we are in. I just need a clear perspective because we are wondering if we should be together or just end it now. Thanks for your help and advice. 

What about your dreams?

Unfortunately, this is a common scenario for dual-career couples. This article made the rounds a few weeks ago and rang true for a lot of people:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/11/18/harvard_business_school_study_it_s_not_kids_but_husbands_that_hold_women.html

There is nothing wrong with wanting to advance your own career, but this is one of those major decisions that simply has to be made. If there's no way for you to pursue your career while accommodating his studies (finding local opportunities, living apart, telecommuting, etc), then it's something one of you will have to compromise on. And if neither of you wants to compromise, then you have to make a decision about what's more important. There's no reason that has to be your H.

chief0401

Thanks! I'm trying to compromise with him. I feel like its his way or the highway. This has been the hardest, most stressful 3 weeks. It seems like this situation has brought up so much other hurt feelings that weren't there before. For example, he says I'm not on his side about anything and brings up a Walmart issue. Basically, he went into Walmart for a free oil change. They found his air filter filled with leaves and cleaned it. Now the hose is ripped. Walmart said its "dry rotted" and said they are not responsible. My husband says its their fault and it wouldn't have happened until he went to Walmart. I said I don't know what dry rotted is but I see that it looks dirty. Now, I'm not on his side and I'm on Walmart's side. 

Another issue he just brought up, is we've been together for 5 years. We were planning on getting a house when we moved. Now, he's telling me he doesn't want a house and can't give me what I need because of his past and he doesn't want the maintenance. He was married in the past, 10 years ago. Long story, but it wasn't really a marriage. She bailed on him and left him with a house he didn't want and it was foreclosed during the divorce. I'm not like that and have proven to have stellar credit and don't like material things at all. I'm going to propose a townhouse/condo to him tonight to compromise more. I just want a place to call our own and not pay rent for years. 

Its just so much stuff is getting brought up now. I'm really trying to keep my marriage together and look for solutions to compromise. But it feels like a losing battle. 

englishtrish1

What does he compromise on?

chief0401

Not much. So tonight, I said what I'm willing to compromise on. I told him I'd support med school. I told him we'd stay in the state for him to use his military bills. I did ask to leave the town we are in though to a place with more opportunity. I suggested a townhouse/condo instead of a single-family home. I said we need a chore schedule to help each of us around the house. I also suggested we need to spend more quality time together. We use to hold each other hands and say I love you all the time. So I suggested we start doing that again and really making an effort to be more connected. He said more sex, holding hands, hugging and saying "I love you" will not bring people closer together. Which how could all of this affection not bring people closer together? He said with all of my suggestions, "I'll think about it." So, now I'm in a different room giving him space and just letting it be. I feel like I compromised an awful lot and don't feel like giving in anymore because I want him to give a little as well. I would say he opened a big can of worms on me with a lot of other issues I was in the dark about when he decided on medical school.

Thank you everyone for all of your words of advice. I do appreciate it!

GilliC

chief0401 said:

Not much. So tonight, I said what I'm willing to compromise on. I told him I'd support med school. I told him we'd stay in the state for him to use his military bills. I did ask to leave the town we are in though to a place with more opportunity. I suggested a townhouse/condo instead of a single-family home. I said we need a chore schedule to help each of us around the house. I also suggested we need to spend more quality time together. We use to hold each other hands and say I love you all the time. So I suggested we start doing that again and really making an effort to be more connected. He said more sex, holding hands, hugging and saying "I love you" will not bring people closer together. Which how could all of this affection not bring people closer together? He said with all of my suggestions, "I'll think about it." So, now I'm in a different room giving him space and just letting it be. I feel like I compromised an awful lot and don't feel like giving in anymore because I want him to give a little as well. I would say he opened a big can of worms on me with a lot of other issues I was in the dark about when he decided on medical school.

Thank you everyone for all of your words of advice. I do appreciate it!

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages or done the analysis quiz? It sounds like your love languages are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, while his are not.

I get a profound feeling of love from being held, but my H scored nearly zero on Physical Touch. He simply couldn't understand how I could interpret this as "love." Meanwhile, he scored high on Acts of Service, while I saw interpreted the examples as simply being a good roommate. It made me realize why he was so hurt when I didn't do little things for him at home, and it helped him to realize that touch was extremely important to me.

VOR

chief0401 said:

 Basically, he went into Walmart for a free oil change. They found his air filter filled with leaves and cleaned it. Now the hose is ripped. Walmart said its "dry rotted" and said they are not responsible. My husband says its their fault and it wouldn't have happened until he went to Walmart. I said I don't know what dry rotted is but I see that it looks dirty. Now, I'm not on his side and I'm on Walmart's side. 

This is an  "issue" worthy of being brought up numerous times???  And all you said was the hose looked dirty?

I'm sorry, but your DH sounds immature.  And selfish.  He only cares about what he wants.  He expects YOU to do all the compromising. 

Don't know what to tell you.  I'd  probably be insisting on counseling (which I'm sure he'll flat out say "no" to or he'll say "I'll think about it" and then say "no" to) at a minimum. 

YOU really need to do some deep soul searching here.  This man isn't giving you anything you want.  It's all about him.  What do you want for your future?  How much more are you willing to give up? How much longer are you willing to give this a try?

Start putting yourself first here.  There comes a point where being the "supportive wife" is just you being a doormat and letting him dictate your life.

chief0401

No, I haven't. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll try it. I'm the one who isn't really touchy feely and he is. But I am wanting to try more because he is. And I like little things done at home for me. I will check that book out those and the quiz. Sounds interesting and insightful. 

puppylove2014

I'm sorry, this does not sound good. He doesn't seem to want to do anything for you. 

I just can't help but go back to the fact he doesn't even know if he'll be able to get into med school or what kind of doctor he wants to be. Yet he wants you to change all your plans to support him for the next ten years (by the time he takes the classes he needs and actually gets in) no questions asked. 

Is there a reason he can't get a full time job while he's taking these classes in the meantime?

I think you can give up on him helping around the house. I have a feeling he plans to be "too busy".

The Walmart thing does sound very immature. You can tell if a hose is dry rotted, he can even take it to another place and see what they think. If it's rotted, oh well, it would have needed to be replaced anyway. It sounds like he'd rather throw a fit than take action. 

I just don't think this will get better without counselling. Even then it might not, but at least you'll know. 

You're young, you have no kids and a good education. I think you need to live the life you want and have worked so hard for. I wouldn't buy any sort of home with him until he can contribute and you've worked all this out. Don't saddle yourself with something else when you know you don't want to be there in the long run. 

GilliC

It sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. Counseling, or you walk. If he really loves you and cares about the relationship, he shouldn't object to counseling. While some people may see a stigma attached to it or worry about the cost, it's important to be able to communicate in a relationship. If you're both truly committed to making things work, you have to take the steps to make things better. You bending yourself around to fill in the potholes isn't a lasting solution for a smooth relationship. You both deserve better.

So take the steps to truly fix things. And if he won't, then I would seriously question how invested he really is.

Samboni

Lot of issues here. I'm curious if the "we cant leave the state because of the military bills" is even true. I'm no expert, but it sounds odd, and I'd do some research on it. Also, you don't "have to" do the house chores. Things need to change. The LAST think I'd be doing right now is buying a place. You need to get stuff sorted first. I hope it works out for you.

chief0401

Thanks everyone. I will not be buying a house anytime soon. I'm really thinking about what I want and I'm not compromising any further. Its time he does. And if he doesn't, then tough decisions need to be made unfortunately.

To answer your question about the military bill. When you sign on to the military you get what's called a GI Bill (post 9-11 bill) and a state bill. There is an X amount of money on each bill. I don't know their exact names. I know this to be a fact because my brother is also using the same state bill to pay for his schooling and my husband has already used his GI Bill to pay for his recent schooling.

Disneygeek77

Yeah sounds like someone wants to be a perpetual student.

IF he was ever to get into Med School, which I doubt, I have a feeling he will decided he doesn't want to do it anymore and want to do something else.

Ilumine

Uhm unless your specific state has a special program, the ONLY thing way a State is tied to the Post 9/11 GI Bill is in regards to the Tuition and Fees Allowances and the BAH.  

http://www.benefits.va.gov/gibill/resources/benefits_resources/rates/ch33/tuition_and_fees_2010.asp

You can MOVE anywhere and get monies.  The amounts change depending on which state you live in BECAUSE the instate tuition changes...

So if you are worried about not being a resident of the new state, I could see worrying about moving but that only lasts as long as the residency rules of your prospective state.  

And let us be honest here, very few people make it into a Medical School in their state.  They go where they can get in.  So what is going to happen when he is forced to move? 

dutchgirl76

I would suggest he research the process to get into medical school. A lot of doctors end up in tropical places with hundreds of thousands (we're literally talking $300K here) in private loan debt because they can't get into a school in the US. What are his options in the US, does he have the grades to get in? Does he understand he may have to move for residency and that will require 80 hours a week of work?