Helping DH at Christmas

amyjoy18

I''ve mentioned before DH lost his mom 6 years ago, and his dad 3 years ago.  Holidays are still extremely hard for him and he has ZERO Christmas spirit.  As each year passes, it seems to get harder instead of easier.  Last year he stormed out Christmas Day while my parents were here, which is unlike him.  Christmas Eve he and his brother will do shots and get wasted and he will be useless in getting the kids to bed, helping play Santa, etc. In short he's miserable.. 

I've tried to put it in the perspective of he had a lot of great Christmases growing up and our kids deserve the same.  He agrees, but he just can't shake his mood. 

Anyone have anything that I should/shouldn't do to try to help? 

denalea

I know my Dad struggled with depression on and off growing up, and for some reason this time of year was always difficult for him.  The shorter days/less sunlight, plus the stress of the holidays, and work stress were just a lot for him.  I think this is a difficult time of year for a lot of people.

Would your hubby be up for talking with someone?  Even if he just touched based with a counselor at this time of year each year, maybe having someone neutral would help?  Also, would he be up for some seasonal medication to help him cope?  I'm not one to jump to meds quickly, but if it has been several years, and it is not getting better, maybe something to help him get over the funk could be good.  If meds could take him part of the way there, then perhaps he would be more motivated to work on some of the other things, too.

Finally, are there any ways you could change up your traditions to something more enjoyable for him, or with less remembrances of his parents?  Create your own new memories with your kids that are completely separate from the things that are reminders/triggers for him? 

Hang in there!  I know it must be miserable to see your hubby suffering, and then also be so frustrated that he's not pulling his weight with the Christmas prep, etc.  (Maybe I'm projected there, but I would be POed/resentful!)

Hugs to you and your DH!

ETA:  It's possible your DH will never be totally into Christmas and all "Yay Holidays" but I don't think its unreasonable to expect him to be able to help out, function as an adult with company, and to put on a good face for his children's benefit!

amyjoy18

denalea said:

I know my Dad struggled with depression on and off growing up, and for some reason this time of year was always difficult for him.  The shorter days/less sunlight, plus the stress of the holidays, and work stress were just a lot for him.  I think this is a difficult time of year for a lot of people.

Would your hubby be up for talking with someone?  Even if he just touched based with a counselor at this time of year each year, maybe having someone neutral would help?  Also, would he be up for some seasonal medication to help him cope?  I'm not one to jump to meds quickly, but if it has been several years, and it is not getting better, maybe something to help him get over the funk could be good.  If meds could take him part of the way there, then perhaps he would be more motivated to work on some of the other things, too.

Finally, are there any ways you could change up your traditions to something more enjoyable for him, or with less remembrances of his parents?  Create your own new memories with your kids that are completely separate from the things that are reminders/triggers for him? 

Hang in there!  I know it must be miserable to see your hubby suffering, and then also be so frustrated that he's not pulling his weight with the Christmas prep, etc.  (Maybe I'm projected there, but I would be POed/resentful!)

Hugs to you and your DH!

ETA:  It's possible your DH will never be totally into Christmas and all "Yay Holidays" but I don't think its unreasonable to expect him to be able to help out, function as an adult with company, and to put on a good face for his children's benefit!

Thanks for the feedback!  I am PO'd and feel resentful that he ruins the holidays for everyone, me included, but then I feel like a brat for feeling like that.

I've encouraged him to talk to someone, but he refuses.  He says he would be uncomfortable doing that.  He's been on anxiety medicine since shortly after his dad passed, but he would probably be willing to talk to his doctor about other medicine to help him through this time of year. 

And changing up/starting new traditions might help.  To date his lead has been to follow their traditions, but maybe there is something new we can do that he'll be able to get a little bit excited about. 

denalea

amyjoy18 said:

Thanks for the feedback!  I am PO'd and feel resentful that he ruins the holidays for everyone, me included, but then I feel like a brat for feeling like that.

Aw, I know that internal struggle well, and have it often within my own brain/heart.  Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.  You're allowed to have feelings, too, even if it means being annoyed!  There is A LOT to do and prepare for and fit in, and feeling like my joy is being stolen would make me super-sad.  Extra grace for everyone, yourself included, at Christmas time.  I hope your hubby can find some joy even amidst the bitter-sweet memories!

MrsAmers

amyjoy18 said:

I've encouraged him to talk to someone, but he refuses. He says he would be uncomfortable doing that.

I'm sorry, but this strikes me as selfish. His comfort is more important than the comfort of his family at the holidays? He can't be uncomfortable for a few hours if it means his kids could have a happier Christmas?

If his sadness at the holidays is getting worse, then it sounds like he needs to talk to a therapist. The holidays are not ever expected to be easy when you miss loved ones, but with time comes acceptance, which is what eases the rawness of the emotions.

My MIL is a pessimist and even she is less down at the holidays now than she has been in the past. FIL died 3 years ago.

Many hugs. Many, many hugs.

MrsAmers

And I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to be sad or mad or upset at the holidays. I'm just saying that it is selfish to not try to mitigate the extent to which his sadness affects others in the family.

psychgalbride

As someone in a similar situation to your DH, Take a step back and consider that grief isn't something that neatly ends when the funeral is over.  My mom has been gone for over 20 years and it is still rough.  Christmas for most people is a gathering of family and when those people are gone it is hard.  What is the most difficult for me is when you hear people complaining about their parents.  "My mom buys the kids so many gifts... I wish we didn't have to rush around to so many houses on Christmas, bla bla bla."  Everyone has triggers.  Perhaps helping him to identify those triggers (and avoiding them to the best of your ability) would help.  

I agree with asking his dr if another medication will help.  I won't get on my soapbox about how PCPs should not be prescribing psychotropic medication since that sounds like the only way your DH will get a script.  

New traditions are a wonderful idea.   It helps me keep my mom's memory alive by keeping our old traditions but I can see how it could be a trigger to someone else.  

Lastly, play the kids card.  It isn't fair to the kids that dad checks out on Christmas Eve.  Ask him how he wants your son and daughter to remember Christmas.  Ask him what he needs to make the holidays easier.  Sometimes simply acknowledging how it completely stinks that his mom and dad are gone can go a long way.  

Meghan&Rich

Ditto the others - the holidays are always going to be hard for him.  I would push talking to a therapist, or at least have a come to Jesus talk with him.  Has he mentioned anything specific that is especially hard for him?  Like Christie mentioned about triggers - there are many things that might seem harmless to you, but that might be really difficult for him.

Don't feel guilty for your feelings either.  I don't think being supportive means ignoring how it impacts your family, just because he is in pain.  Let him know that you will be there for him and help him through it, but that doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be hurtful to others - especially your children!

Good luck!

denalea

One more thought/idea based on an article I read from my seminary alma mater.  If you guys are church people at all, and think that the church and worship could be a source of peace, perhaps looking for a "Blue Christmas" service somewhere close to you would be something good for him (and you if you do it together.) 

For me, one of my coping mechanisms is to allow myself a finite time to be a grump/sad/cry about something, and then make a conscious decision to try to move forward.  Like "for today, I'm going to be miserable, and let it bum me out.  I'm going to miss the people I love, and think about how it stinks that they are gone.  But starting tomorrow, I'm going to focus on the good stuff and the people still here."  I think that acknowledges that loss/disappointment is hard (in big and small stuff) without immediately jumping to the "I'm OK because it could be worse" way of sweeping things under the rug is good and healthy (it's OK to be sad/frustrated/annoyed) but at the same time, the finite time keeps me from getting stuck there.

Maybe having a specified worship service where it was guaranteed to no be all "Merry Christmas!  Joy to the world!", a service that is dedicated to acknowledging the sad, would help and bring him peace.  You could even invite his brother to come and that could be the night they could wallow in their memories together.  He could have that night to do whatever he needed to to cope.  (I typically don't recommend following up worship with doing tons of shots....but, hey, whatever works.  )  And then the trade off would be that on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day he needed to try to hold it together.  Of course you can't force him to do that, but maybe knowing that he does have the time and space to be sad without having to but on a false smile it would help him fake it when he needs to.

Our church does not do this, but in some ways I wish we would, (except for the fact that it would be ANOTHER work thing for me to do at this time of year, which is totally selfish, I know!) knowing how many people struggle at this time of year, whether loss is recent or in the past.  I do know that when I lead the prayer, I frequently try to acknowledge the real struggle that some people face with grief and loss at this time of year. 

It is true that we are never done grieving.  It is always with us.  But, at the same time, I do think that the best way to honor memories is to actively move forward, which is sometimes easier than others.  And every year is different.  Some years it seems especially painful, and sometimes you can really focus on the joyful memories and the sweet things 

Prayers and hugs for both of you.  (And, if you'd like to lmk what area of town you're in, I'll see if I can find some "Blue Christmas" services for you.  You can PM me here, or, are we friends on FB? LMK there.)

bride2003

Ditto playing the "kids card".  I think you have to express it to him as this - think about your kids and how they will view their Christmas (he has wonderful memories) but your kids will remember how sad it made their dad & that will be their new memory.  Would his parents want that?  And then when they get older they may resent that their "joy" was stolen or kept from them and pass that anger onto their kids & so on and so on.  He is creating a legacy of sadness at a time that can be very happy.  

If that is not what he wants to do (and I can't imagine it is) then he needs to think about he can handle & what works for the kids.  Like, he doesn't have to buy & wrap gifts but he has to fake excitement when kids are around.   It may take some years but maybe little by little he works his way back.  And until then, maybe he doesn't participate and you do your very best to make it the best you can.  I would be tempted to start my own traditions with kids even if it means skipping the drunkfest on Christmas Eve and staying home with the kids, watching great movies, making cookies etc..  Or attend a Christmas Eve service with just the kids.  Explain that dad is sad this time of year and we love him but we need to enjoy it together. 

I completely sympathize b/c it would piss me off.  BUT for better and for worse and you love him more than Christmas.  And as much as I would want to scream, get over it b/c you will live your life in mourning vs living your life its not that easy.