Rude or not rude

chief0401

Hello! For 5 years, we visit my husband's family during the holidays. His family can speak English, but even when I am there, they only speak their native language (not English). So, I just sit there for a few days, because no one really talks to me. My husband speaks to them on the phone in their native language. I can communicate with my father-in-law but he will speak to me via email or text. I don't mean any disrespect but is it rude of me to want them to speak English a few days out the year, so I can feel included in the family? I've even been thinking about not going because I feel like what's the point if I'm there or not. My husband says he tells them to speak English. But I can't verify that and if he did say that to them, they still don't. His solution is just not go then and I'm being rude because I want them to speak English. I want to go. I just want to feel included and respected. Thanks in advance for the input. I do appreciate it.

puppylove2014

Does your husband translate for you? I don't think it's as simple as who is being rude.

They should try to include you to a certain extent (your husband needs to be the one taking the lead on this though) but you can't blame them for wanting to speak in their native tongue in their own home.

Have you tried to learn their native language? I bet if you did, and came to Christmas one year with a few phrases, they would be thrilled that you're trying too and be more receptive to trying to include you. 

chief0401

No, no one translates for me. Their native language is Ukraine. I have tried to learn some words. Its very hard.

puppylove2014

You know you have a husband problem. He's telling you to just stay home and he doesn't even try to include you? You've been together an awful long time for him to not be translating and trying to include you. Add that to your previous post and...I don't know.

I just feel like this whole relationship may have run its course. I'm wondering if your relationship has ever been mutually supportive. 

But, to the problem at hand, I would just stay home. You don't need to go sit around feeling excluded while your husband does nothing to help. Your IL's aren't being rude. Your H is. 

VOR

Yup, this is partially a DH problem. If it were important to him, he would push them to speak Englsh and really- he would be telling them "WE aren't coming if you won't include Chief". The fact that his solution is for YOU to just not go speaks volumes.

teedaalee

Aww, I am sorry you’re feeling alone during family gatherings. I can see why you would feel that way. Have you considered asking them to speak in English a little while you’re there? You might let them know how you feel and that you want to be a part of their conversations. Also, Ukrainian is a difficult language to learn, I am with you on that! Have you taken into considered that they may feel the same way you do about the situation? I know it’s hard to think about : /. Even though it’s a difficult language maybe you could ask them to teach you some words or phrases? This could express to them that you are interested in getting to know them more and vice versa. I hope your holidays this year are better than years past! Hang in there!

teedaalee0712

minskat30

This is a H problem like others have stated.  My H's family speak in their native language but my H always tries to translate when I'm around.  I also have no issue asking "What did you/she/he say?" to remind him when he forgets to translate and I really want to know what is going on in the conversation.  Have you ever asked your H, point blank, "What did you/she/he say?"? My H has never snapped at me or gotten irritated if I ask for translation and usually apologizes for forgetting to translate.

BlueBirdMB

If they know how to speak English, then I think it's very rude for them to intentionally not speak English around you.  My husband's family speak Hindi, but when I'm there, they speak English because they want me to feel included.  They are being very rude. 

chief0401

Thanks everyone. And yes, i have tried to learn. When i try a word around them, they correct me over and over how im saying it wrong. So I've stopped trying.

nurse714

Your in laws are being very rude and I would be so pissed at my husband for him not talking to his family. He should talk to them without you and if they don't change, he should stop them right there in the act and tell to speak English for your visit to include you.

I had an ex boyfriend who's family would only speak in French when I was around and I thought it was so rude. It's like whispering to someone right in front of your face. So rude.

minskat30

I just want to know though if you ask your H to translate for you?  What is his reaction?  How well does their family speak English (each member)? My H's family can speak English but it is akward for his mother who doesn't speak it very well. I have no issue with them speaking in Hindi (their language) in front of me but both H and his brother go out of their way to translate.  

Cindy41710

They're being rude by speaking in a manner you don't understand, thus leaving you out of family discussions.  I'd be asking my H why he doesn't demand they speak English, or at least translate for them if they can't speak it.

vpine

I'm hispanic and my brother is married to someone who does not speak Spanish. My parents and most of my relatives don't speak English so at family gatherings, we always speak Spanish, I don't think it's rude. I didn't expect my sis in law to learn Spanish if she doesn't want to, my brother translates for her. We shouldn't have to change the language we speak and have spoken for years to accommodate one person, sorry.

BlueBirdMB

vpine said:

I'm hispanic and my brother is married to someone who does not speak Spanish. My parents and most of my relatives don't speak English so at family gatherings, we always speak Spanish, I don't think it's rude. I didn't expect my sis in law to learn Spanish if she doesn't want to, my brother translates for her. We shouldn't have to change the language we speak and have spoken for years to accommodate one person, sorry.

They don't know English, so it's different, but if you do and you are specifically alienating one person, then it's rude.

GilliC

What happens when you try to speak to them in English? Do they just ignore you?

LD1970

If they speak English and simply choose not to speak it when an English speaker is around and could/should be part of the conversation, they're 100% rude.  And your H should tell them so.

GilliC

I disagree slightly. When I'm the only person in a group of non-native English speakers, I feel tremendously thankful when they choose to converse in English. It's very kind of them, because I know they all feel less eloquent and less witty in their second language, even though they are fluent. If it's a group that I'm around regularly, I accept it that they switch to native language for a lot of conversations even if I'm left out. After all, I haven't made the effort to learn their language, while they have mad the effort to learn mine. It's my own fault, since I know I will be in this situation regularly and that they would be happy to help me learn.

I would never expect a large group to switch to English every time just for me.

If they flat out refuse to ever speak English or ignore you when you try to talk to them, that's not a language issue. That's an asshole behavior issue.

jtmh2012

GilliC said:

If they flat out refuse to ever speak English or ignore you when you try to talk to them, that's not a language issue. That's an asshole behavior issue.

I think this is the real issue. It's not a matter of what language is spoke. It's the fact the the OP is family and from the sounds of it is being excluded from all discussions because of the language barrier.

My in-laws are Thai, some of them speak English, some don't. For the most part they speak their native language, but they also make an effort to include me in discussions by somebody translating or depending on the person speaking English or at a minimum, somebody lets me know what the jist of the discussion is. I'm not just left to sit in a chair somewhere and wait for the time to go home.

For the record, I am trying to learn and can pick out words and sometimes get at least an idea of what might be being said, but learning a new language is easier for some than others and some languages are easier to learn than others.

BlueBirdMB

I'll also add that for members of my husband's family, mostly the older generation, who don't speak English well, my husband and other family members always translate for me.  I have some issues with my in laws, but this is not one.  They always try to include me in social situations.