Should i tell my husband everything? Not sure what to do anymore

LL670

For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really meet up with or talk to. I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i feel very disconnected. 

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this particular male i used to be friends with and had a major thing for back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved.

We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before started to come back. I have never done a no strings attached thing with any man i have not been in a relationship with, and i though a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told my male friend that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

After a few days i started to feel like i couldn't actually go through with meeting up with this male friend and having sex, although i would be lying if i said the thought of meeting up with him to just see him didn't seem very tempting to me, but the sex part started to feel very wrong, regardless of the fact that due to my attraction to him it did seem appealing in a way. The male friend also started to reply less and less, and then eventually said he didn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he didn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on. He never replied. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

I told this whole story as i desperately need some support, and i don't have many people to talk to about this. 

1) Do you think i should tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with this male friend i had. I think it is all fantasy though as earlier stated the thought of actually doing it although appealing felt very wrong to me. I thought this guy could offer me everything my husband has not been that i desire currently, as i feel very unloved and alone.

2) I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love my husband, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things, although my husband seems to have drastically changed also. He tells me he loves me and wants to work on things between us as they are obviously not how they used to be, but he constantly snaps at me for no reason, and is very rude to me when i ask him questions. He is away for work at the moment, and i called him to ask him what gifts i should get the family. His reply was "right now i just don't give a shit." I thought this was totally rude and unnecessary and said i was getting off the phone call. So all day yesterday he never called or text me, and he always calls me after work. I called him twice and text him asking what was wrong, and he never responded to me. He has also started becoming very strange when it comes to sexual encounters between us. He constantly asks me how he measures up compared to partners i have had in the past, and i am not sure why he has started asking questions like this.

3) I feel completely foolish i ruined my friendship with my old male friend, and although this is not really a priority right now, i do blame myself. I am not sure why he stopped talking to me, but i just fee this whole situation is a mess. 

I just don't know what to do at all. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this my male friend, and i am really ashamed in my behaviour.

I know people are going to read this and think i am a horrible person, and to be honest i don't blame you, but all i really need is some advice. I feel lost.

nurse714

Maybe your husband does feel as if he's being supportive because he said he was. If you feel he isn't then you should've expressed to him what it is that you want or need from him and give him the opportunity to fix things. 

The same goes for your sex life. You say it's not lack of sex but the quality. Again, this is something that you should discuss with your husband and seek counseling if necessary.

I will admit I lost sympathy for you when you went out to seek the attention of another man and possibly cheat on your husband. I'm glad your male "friend" turned you away eventually since you yourself as the married woman weren't capable of dealing with the issues in your marriage and decided to try to fix yourself by stepping out on your husband. 

If you really want to fix your marriage, talk to your husband and go to counseling. I don't know if you should tell your husband what you did. I feel as you want to tell him to hurt his feelings and get attention because you feel he hasn't been there for you instead of just coming clean and being honest. Maybe someone else can give you insight on that issue.

 I can't stand an adulterer! I understand feeling unfulfilled and the thought crosses your mind, but to actually reach out and have an emotional affair is totally unacceptable.

LL670

I have tried to talk to him multiple times. A lot has to do with feeling unsupported. His brother and i got on fine until he started seeing this one girl. For whatever reason, since he has been dating her he completely blanks me at family functions and acts like i am not there, and his gf does the same.

I told my husband that this makes me feel very uncomfortable, especially around the holidays when everyone gets together. But tonight he basically told me that he can't do anything about it, and wants to see his family this christmas. I get it is his family, but after how his brother has been towards me i can't believe he is just basically saying deal with it because it is my family so i refuse to stick up for you. This is only part of the problem, but it is a big problem. I am not sure if people reading this will think it is unreasonable, but am i supposed to just deal with his brother treating me this way because it is his family? If my brother was that way to my husband, blood relation or not, i would be talking to him and asking what the problem was and explaining to him how he makes my husband feel very uncomfortable. This does not excuse my behavior by any means, but i feel emotionally wrecked. I thought my husband was totally in love with me, but his lack of support and sticking up for me have shown me other wise and i enjoyed the attention this other male was giving me as i lack it so much from my husband. I know it wasn't right, and when it came down to it neither of us were actually going to go through with it, but i feel guilty regardless as it was an emotional/sexual connection with another man.

puppylove2014

You made a mistake. Now you know better. This friend of yours probably wasn't much of a friend. I certainly wouldn't worry about losing a friendship that really wasn't. You hadn't spoken in years. He was looking for something too...it wasn't friendship. Let it go. I wouldn't tell your husband since you never even met up. However, you need to let that go and work on your marriage.

You guys need counselling. If your husband isn't willing, you have decisons to make for your happiness. If you do end it, be alone for awhile. Don't go looking for someone else right away again. 

As far as his brother, he should talk to him. I don't think it's right that he is dismissing your concerns. depending on how many other people are there and how they treat you, maybe just stay home if you feel so uncomfortable. Tell your husband it's up to him to talk to his brother.

TarponMonoxide

LL670 said:

For the past year or so things have been very tough in my personal life. I have had to deal with a chronic illness, and during this i felt my husband wasn't very supportive. I constantly told my husband how i felt and he kept saying that he was being supportive, and eventually i just stopped sharing my concerns/worries with him and started getting on with things myself. As all this was going on i started to resent him and started feeling very disconnected from him. He also travels a lot, so i felt the distance just pushed more of a void between us.

I have also been feeling very unfulfilled in my life. We moved to a new area and i have no friends and no one to really meet up with or talk to.

I am a big fan of volunteerism and partaking in a hobby.

Find someplace to volunteer and take up a hobby! The key to it is keeping busy and via a volunteer effort you're bound to make a couple of friends. Best way to meet a friend is via a common interest.

I have been keeping all of my feeling suppressed and it has been really eating away at me. My husband and i got married pretty young and i have started to feel like i made a mistake marrying him so young. I think i have matured and changed a lot as a person since we got married, and i feel like i have missed out, i am still only in my late 20's. Now i look back on my life i don't think i have ever had really good sex either. My husband and i do have sex but i feel very disconnected. 

Ever masturbated?

Doubtful you did.

I suggest you start.:)  Check out a book called Sex For One by Betty Dobson.

Dont' be shy to check out sex manuals with your husband. Mainstream bookstores carry 'couples only" sex manuals.:)

If you want something or wish you could do something or you simply want more sex:

TALK to your H!

Communication is key. Without it,you ain't got squat.:)

One day i was feeling pretty lonely and down and i had a suggestion of people i may know on Facebook, one being this particular male i used to be friends with and had a major thing for back in the day. It has been many years since we last spoke, so i sent him a request. We started talking for a few weeks and i opened up and told him things in my marriage haven't been that great. He started flirting a lot and being pretty suggestive. At first i told him to stop, but then i caved.

Drop this boy "friend" pronto and stat.

Discontinue communicating with him on all venues. This can only be trouble.

We talked for about a week about meeting up to have an NSA type thing, but then the feelings i had for him before started to come back.

You do not have true "feelings" for him --- you are merely trying to fill a void. Get rid of him.

I have never done a no strings attached thing with any man i have not been in a relationship with, and i though a little fling is what i needed to fill the void i feel in me. I told my male friend that i was considering ending the marriage because i have tried for months to fix things, but i feel the feelings i had for him are gone. He said as long as i was mentally disconnected from my husband that was fine with him.

Wait....you can't tell your H you want better sex, or try to fix it on your own, but you went out and told this guy you more or less want an eff buddy???

Nope.

Get rid of him.

After a few days i started to feel like i couldn't actually go through with meeting up with this male friend and having sex, although i would be lying if i said the thought of meeting up with him to just see him didn't seem very tempting to me, but the sex part started to feel very wrong, regardless of the fact that due to my attraction to him it did seem appealing in a way. The male friend also started to reply less and less, and then eventually said he didn't want to sleep around and it is awkward being i am married, and he didn't want to go through with it anymore. He said he found me very attractive, but had no romantic feelings for me, but he didn't want us to stop talking and really cares about our friendship, and would text me later seems he was at work.

He never text me, and after 5 days i told him that i really cared about our friendship also, and felt that what we had talked about had changed things, and i was just in a vulnerable state being in a marriage that is on. He never replied. After trying to reach out a few times and being upright ignored, i removed him off Facebook. I later regretted doing so and re-added him. Pathetic i know, and of course he ignored the request.

He is being smart.

I told this whole story as i desperately need some support, and i don't have many people to talk to about this. 

1) Do you think i should tell my husband that i talked to this guy and both of us were being very suggestive towards each other? We talked about things we wanted to do sexually with each other, and although we never met and did these things, i still feel very guilty regardless of feeling i fell out of love with my husband. I constantly fantasize daily about sex with this male friend i had. I think it is all fantasy though as earlier stated the thought of actually doing it although appealing felt very wrong to me. I thought this guy could offer me everything my husband has not been that i desire currently, as i feel very unloved and alone.

2) I have tried for a year now to work and change how i feel and fall back in love my husband, but i am not sure if a year is long enough to say i tried and walk away. Regardless of all my feelings, i don't want to walk away and regret things, although my husband seems to have drastically changed also. He tells me he loves me and wants to work on things between us as they are obviously not how they used to be, but he constantly snaps at me for no reason, and is very rude to me when i ask him questions. He is away for work at the moment, and i called him to ask him what gifts i should get the family. His reply was "right now i just don't give a shit." I thought this was totally rude and unnecessary and said i was getting off the phone call. So all day yesterday he never called or text me, and he always calls me after work. I called him twice and text him asking what was wrong, and he never responded to me. He has also started becoming very strange when it comes to sexual encounters between us. He constantly asks me how he measures up compared to partners i have had in the past, and i am not sure why he has started asking questions like this.

3) I feel completely foolish i ruined my friendship with my old male friend, and although this is not really a priority right now, i do blame myself. I am not sure why he stopped talking to me, but i just fee this whole situation is a mess. 

I just don't know what to do at all. I wonder if i will ever truly have happiness again, because right now i feel like i won't. My lack of feelings for my husband have made me act in ways that i don't feel are me at all. I have never cheated before in a relationship, it just isn't me at all. I don't know why i was even considering this my male friend, and i am really ashamed in my behaviour.

I know people are going to read this and think i am a horrible person, and to be honest i don't blame you, but all i really need is some advice. I feel lost.

  I don't quite know what is up with your H.

You and he need to talk.

He and you need to decide whether or not you wish to fix what is wrong with your marriage --- you and he have zero communication skills!!! that needs a fix and HOW --- or split up for good.

Something is flawed here. I don't know -- is it possible that somehow he found out about this dumb guy you contacted?  Does he simply think you are having an affair? or maybe somehow it's gotten under his skin that "maybe" you had  sex with "too many" guys before he came along.

I would not stand for the mind game he is playing with you. It's weak, it's chlldish, it's manipulative, it's mean and it is also bordering on abusive.

Tell him he needs to cut it out, stat.