Need some input

TRS09

Hello,

A situation came up recently in our marriage that has been both one of the best things to happen to us for a while but also a big rough patch and I would just love to get some outside input on the situation because I am having a hard time letting go of some of the rough stuff.  

Here's the deal (trying to make a short version)... recently, my husband (we've been married for 5 1/2 years and have two small kids) traveled for business to attend a conference and his boss set up a networking event (dinner/drinks) with another company for after the conference.  While he was there, a woman (who is married herself with two small kids) completely tried to seduce him.  It apparently started out just flirty ("you're going to be my date tonight") and progressed to her telling him that she had seen him at a prior conference, her co-workers had to keep her away from him and then she started being full-on vulgar with the things she wanted to do and would let him do to her.  She's also pretty nutty - told him that "God had told her that its OK for them to do this" and that since he's a dad to two young kids and romance probably isn't the same with his wife as it used to be, he deserves a little fun and a wild night out."  Basically, girl was trying to pull all the cards that a married man might want to hear to get him in the sack.  Well, my husband didn't do it.  In that sense, our marriage has been strengthened immensely to find out that he could be seduced that intensely by an attractive woman, all the way across the country, in a bar where drinks are flowing, and he is able to stay faithful to me.  Not that I had any reason to not trust him, but was a good feeling to find that out.

Here is where our issues lie and what I am having a hard time letting go... I found out about this situation because my daughter was playing with our iPad about a week after he got home and there were text messages that my husband sent the next morning to his bachelor, male co-worker describing in great detail, and male arrogance, about what happened.  That was quite a shock to see.  On one hand, I was quite upset to read about this situation through that filter and that I hadn't heard it from him... on the other hand, it also was incredible reassurance that nothing happened because if it had, he sure would have bragged about it!  However, some of the sentiment of the text messages being sent to his friend when he was talking about what happened had the impression that it might have happened if things had persisted (not in those words but that was my take from it).  Basically, they implied that he didn't do it but his boss actually sort of butt in the situation and "that probably saved my marriage."  After talking later to my husband, he apologized profusely for the sentiment of the text messages because they were obviously never meant for my eyes but said that he never had any intent to do anything with this woman, if he wanted to, he certainly had the opportunity and could have taken it, and the texts to his co-worker were stupid guy talk to a single guy that shouldn't hold any weight.  Bottom line according to him is that he didn't do it and he had more than enough opportunity if he wanted.  

The other aspect that is continuing to bug me is that the next day after the bar night, this woman had requested him as a connection on Linked In and he accepted.  After that, he sent her a message which was strictly business related (a follow up networking email) but my reading of it had some undertones of flirting.  My husband says that I'm absolutely reading too much into the message and denies that he was flirting or trying to leave the door open for down the road, etc., although he admits that he shouldn't have sent her a message at all considering how inappropriate she was and there was probably some arrogance on his part behind sending it.  She never responded.

With all that said, my husband and I have been able to discuss and work out certain aspects of our marriage related to this incident on our own and some things have never been better.  Yes, our sex life was lacking at the time of the incident and we weren't as focused as much on each other as we should have been with having two small kids.  That has completely turned around and in that area, we have never been in a better place.  Oddly, for that, I sort of want to thank this woman!  On the other hand, I just still can't shake that he may have had some intent or desire there to do it.  I know that he didn't do it but the texts the following morning and a subsequent Linked In message to her just leave me wondering if he was thinking about the "what-ifs."  He has admitted that he liked the attention and it was an ego-boost for him which I totally understand.  I would probably feel the same way and what guy would not be flattered to have a woman lust after him.  He also admits that he should have left the bar that night when she started being inappropriate but said he knew nothing would happen so he didn't think it was a problem to stay.  I disagree and he has apologized for that.

This whole situation has just been driving me nuts and just looking for some outside input.  Feel free to be harsh or not!  Am I reading too much into it?  Most of my guy friends have told me that I need to just to let it go - he didn't do it and I'm creating scenarios up that just don't exist.  However, would love to hear anyone's take.

Thanks

Disneygeek77

Eeeeeeeee, this doesn't sit right with me.  Maybe I'm a cynical person, but I have a feeling he was being more honest with his coworker than with you, especially considering...ya know... he is connected to her on linkedIn. A liar is a liar, so he is either lying to his coworker or lying to you and again, maybe I'm just a cynical person but my gut reaction is that he is lying to you.  

I mean I can understand being flattered if a complete stranger made a pass at me, but someone that knew me and knew I was married and had children ?  No, I would be insulted because in that situation it has little to do with how attractive you are but is more of a reflection of their opinion of your character.    How dare he think I would commit adultery with him?  How dare he and what kind of person does he think I am.  Man, I get angry just thinking about it.  

TRS09

Get me angry just thinking about it too!  Thanks - I appreciate the input.

Disneygeek77

Well be honest.  Say the situation was reversed.  Imagine a man you knew that was married with children and knew you were married with children said all those things to you ?  Would you be flattered or would you think " WTF man, what kind of woman do you think I am ?" 

Then after the fact, would you still be in contact with them ?  Would you write a friend or coworker recounting your side of the story and slip in something about if someone wasn't there to interrupt the conversation, you might have gone through with it ?  

TRS09

To be fair, he didn't exactly say he would have gone through with it.  That is just how I am remembering the "tone" of them.  In fact, I think part of the problem here is that I didn't save or send myself the text messages and he erased them after I talked to him about it so when I'm reliving them, my thoughts are making them as bad as they could possibly be.  I remember when I first read them, they were not fun to read but I almost didn't even say anything to him at all because I was satisfied that nothing had happened.  But once I got to work and was no longer reading them, I began to stew more.  And then as time went on, having been that much more removed completely from reading them, it has become hard to know if I'm remembering them correctly or not.

However, I completely agree that there was a lot of inappropriate messaging going on and he should have been more assertive in telling this woman to stop.  Better yet, should have just left the bar!  

Disneygeek77

Did he say anything about if his boss haven't interrupted them, then there was a possibility he would have went through with it ?

Is he linked to her on linkedIn?  If so why now ?  Does he still want to be in contact with her ?

TRS09

I BELIEVE what I read in the texts (can't remember exact words but here is the general idea)... was that he told the woman it wasn't going to happen, that he hadn't been with anyone but his wife for the last 13 years and that that might have scared her and so she eventually turned her attention to his boss (who is fairly young and was more than willing to take the affection).  I also believe he then made a comment about how weird it was to be in a situation like that with his boss but "in the end, it probably saved his marriage."  Again, I'm not remembering the exact context or words but I do remember him saying the saving marriage line which, once I let it sit in longer, made me wonder why he would say that he needed to be "saved" at all.  That is the sentiment that he said just wasn't there and he was just being arrogant to his bachelor friend who was pressing him for details.  Whether that is true or not, it is definitely still hurtful and no excuse to put arrogance above your wife's feelings!  

He has also stated multiple times to me that even after turning her attention to his boss, this woman was still persistent with him and he never once made it seem like it was going to happen and he has a whole group of witnesses that could vouch for that (apparently this woman acts like this in front of about 7 or 8 of her co-workers... classy!).  So his argument is that no one ever butt in because he knew the option was always there and it was never taken away from him if he wanted it.  Just stupid guy talk...  

We have actually decided that we are going to see a counselor to talk about these issues stemming from the incident.  Again, the situation has actually strengthened our relationship in a lot of areas but its become obvious that I am having a hard time letting go of these parts of it and it is not doing any good to keep letting it brew.  I think if we can work on these last issues, we can emerge even stronger from the situation than we were before.  

I really, really appreciate your input!

Disneygeek77

But what about the linkedIn thing and what if his boss wasn't there ?  The " probably saved his marriage " line would get to me too.  What if she persisted and again he is either trying to make himself look better to his coworker or make himself look better to you.  He can't speak out both sides of his mouth.  

TRS09

I think the Linked In message bothers me the most and probably the real trigger of why I want to talk with a counselor about the situation.  The message he sent her was pretty much a standard. boiler-plate work email and there has been no contact since but I am confused about why he sent it at all.  His explanation was again arrogance and almost closure on his part to show her that he is being professional about the whole situation (their companies obviously still do business together but they do not need to work directly with each other).  But that still doesn't sit right with me so we'll dish it out with the counselor!  To me, seems like a stronger message would have been to deny her "friend request" and send no message at all.  He removed her as a contact and they are no longer connected on Linked In. 

Disneygeek77

Yes that would bother me too.  I mean all of the sudden he needed her for a contact ?  Hmmmm, don't think so.  And how is that connection giving her closure ?  If anything she would think that she got to him.  

I'm sorry, I truly don't mean to put these questions in your head, but I personally would want to know the answers to these difficult questions and something just seems fishy to me.  

I also don't think it's arrogance vs. wife's feelings but more arrogance vs. character.  He already knew she wanted him, so what does it matter if this random coworker thought he would have had cheated on his wife or not.  Why is that even something to be arrogant about ?   So he wants his coworker to think that he could be a dirty dog that might cheat ?  Is that something to be proud or arrogant of ?  Again, what does that say about his character ?  That doesn't make sense to me.  

magsugar13

If you felt in your gut that he is completely innocent, you wouldnt be posting about it.

Follow your gut. He doesnt deserve a cookie for doing the right thing.