would love some input

TRS09

Hello,

A situation came up recently in our marriage that has been both one of the best things to happen to us for a while but also a big rough patch and I would just love to get some outside input on the situation because I am having a hard time letting go of some of the rough stuff.  

Here's the deal (trying to make a short version)... recently, my husband (we've been married for 5 1/2 years and have two small kids) traveled for business to attend a conference and his boss set up a networking event (dinner/drinks) with another company for after the conference.  While he was there, a woman (who is married herself with two small kids) completely tried to seduce him.  It apparently started out just flirty ("you're going to be my date tonight") and progressed to her telling him that she had seen him at a prior conference, her co-workers had to keep her away from him and then she started being full-on vulgar with the things she wanted to do and would let him do to her.  She's also pretty nutty - told him that "God had told her that its OK for them to do this" and that since he's a dad to two young kids and romance probably isn't the same with his wife as it used to be, he deserves a little fun and a wild night out."  Basically, girl was trying to pull all the cards that a married man might want to hear to get him in the sack.  Well, my husband didn't do it.  In that sense, our marriage has been strengthened immensely to find out that he could be seduced that intensely by an attractive woman, all the way across the country, in a bar where drinks are flowing, and he is able to stay faithful to me.  Not that I had any reason to not trust him, but was a good feeling to find that out.

Here is where our issues lie and what I am having a hard time letting go... I found out about this situation because my daughter was playing with our iPad about a week after he got home and there were text messages that my husband sent the next morning to his bachelor, male co-worker describing in great detail, and male arrogance, about what happened.  That was quite a shock to see.  On one hand, I was quite upset to read about this situation through that filter and that I hadn't heard it from him... on the other hand, it also was incredible reassurance that nothing happened because if it had, he sure would have bragged about it!  However, some of the sentiment of the text messages being sent to his friend when he was talking about what happened had the impression that it might have happened if things had persisted (not in those words but that was my take from it).  Basically, they implied that he didn't do it but his boss actually sort of butt in the situation and "that probably saved my marriage."  After talking later to my husband, he apologized profusely for the sentiment of the text messages because they were obviously never meant for my eyes but said that he never had any intent to do anything with this woman, if he wanted to, he certainly had the opportunity and could have taken it, and the texts to his co-worker were stupid guy talk to a single guy that shouldn't hold any weight.  Bottom line according to him is that he didn't do it and he had more than enough opportunity if he wanted.  

The other aspect that is continuing to bug me is that the next day after the bar night, this woman had requested him as a connection on Linked In and he accepted.  After that, he sent her a message which was strictly business related (a follow up networking email) but my reading of it had some undertones of flirting.  My husband says that I'm absolutely reading too much into the message and denies that he was flirting or trying to leave the door open for down the road, etc., although he admits that he shouldn't have sent her a message at all considering how inappropriate she was and there was probably some arrogance on his part behind sending it.  She never responded.

With all that said, my husband and I have been able to discuss and work out certain aspects of our marriage related to this incident on our own and some things have never been better.  Yes, our sex life was lacking at the time of the incident and we weren't as focused as much on each other as we should have been with having two small kids.  That has completely turned around and in that area, we have never been in a better place.  Oddly, for that, I sort of want to thank this woman!  On the other hand, I just still can't shake that he may have had some intent or desire there to do it.  I know that he didn't do it but the texts the following morning and a subsequent Linked In message to her just leave me wondering if he was thinking about the "what-ifs."  He has admitted that he liked the attention and it was an ego-boost for him which I totally understand.  I would probably feel the same way and what guy would not be flattered to have a woman lust after him.  He also admits that he should have left the bar that night when she started being inappropriate but said he knew nothing would happen so he didn't think it was a problem to stay.  I disagree and he has apologized for that.

This whole situation has just been driving me nuts and just looking for some outside input.  Feel free to be harsh or not!  Am I reading too much into it?  Most of my guy friends have told me that I need to just to let it go - he didn't do it and I'm creating scenarios up that just don't exist.  However, would love to hear anyone's take.

Thanks

joleri23

It sounds like your husband is a good guy! His texts to his co-worker are definitely just "stupid guy talk." Of COURSE he's going to brag about what could have been to his friend, that's just what guys do. As for the LinkedIn thing though, I can see why that would bother you and if it were me, I'd request he delete the connection. I don't think it's a red flag at all, but I do think it's disrespectful to you. Other than that, do your best to let it go. He was honest with you and it allowed you to discuss your marriage and both of those things are great!

TarponMonoxide

I think it would be best if he stayed away from her, albeit it being "just" on the internet.

She sounds nutty and pushy.

I am certainly sure that if your H spoke those words to his bachelor coworker it would have come accross a lot differently than it did in a text.

And I agree  that a lot of this is probably a guy thing and duking it out for territory, more or less.

TRS09

Thank you both for the input! Really helpful to have a set of eyes give their take that are removed from the situation. I have since asked that he delete the linked in connection and he has. Other than that, working together to learn from and move past this and for that, in the end, hoping it strengthens our marriage even that much more.