Family Matters
bridejl
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-laws & Visiting
I'm here wondering about how all of you handle visits and communicating plans/wishes to in-laws & parents. When your in-laws or parents from out of town have a planned visit where they stay with you, do you communicate prior to the visit about how long the visit will be, and when they will depart? Do you approach the subject after they have arrived? Do you not talk about it at all? When approaching the subject of departure, how do you ensure that they don't feel like you're trying to push them out?
My in-laws have stayed with us quite a few times this year and the subject of when to end the visit is always an issue. We say one thing, MIL gives some reason to leave at a later time (i.e. guilts us) and we end up being positioned as heartless. Even approaching the subject of departure time is interpreted as us trying to push them out, when really we just want to have open communication so that we're all happy and no one is caught off-guard.
Your help is appreciated
My in-laws have stayed with us quite a few times this year and the subject of when to end the visit is always an issue. We say one thing, MIL gives some reason to leave at a later time (i.e. guilts us) and we end up being positioned as heartless. Even approaching the subject of departure time is interpreted as us trying to push them out, when really we just want to have open communication so that we're all happy and no one is caught off-guard.
Your help is appreciated
Re: In-laws & Visiting
Hi! Well, I often have people visiting and when they let me know they will be visiting my first response is "Oh, that's awesome. How long will you be staying?" and if they reply with an "I'm not sure" I simply say, "Well, I would love to know so that I can plan for groceries and rearrange my schedule for the time that you will be here so please let me know asap" and I have not had a problem with any one feeling rushed out or not welcome.
If the conversation has already passed just call, text or email and say "hi, we are so excited that the day for your visit is getting closer!!, would it be possible to know how long you will be staying so that I can plan the meals and arrange our plans?" I think that is non-offensive and gets to the point.
For the last get together we told them - - 3 until 8. MIL was miffed that I said 8. She even asked why I was specifying an end time. I told her we needed down time to unwind before bed. So it kind of worked.
At some point you and (probably more importantly) your DH are going to have to let her be upset and let her say you're heartless. And when you get to this point, your DH needs to stand firm "we need to know what you'll be leaving/ we'd love to have you stay until ___".
She throws out guilt trips because they work. She gets her way and gets to stay as long as she wants.
And to be clear- she calls you heartless? LOL. She's RUDE> She's a GUEST in your home and to pitch a fit because "horrors", you actually expect to know when she's leaving? Good grief.
Just to be clear, she hasn't called us heartless. But it's how we end up feeling. She's much too passive aggressive to call us that outright.
VOR, I like the phrase "we'd love to have you stay until ___". They'll be visiting again for NYE this week and I think it's a phrase we need to use tonight.
As of this week we're making plans for their visit for Easter. They'll be at our house on Sunday for Easter, with the rest of our family (we're hosting). The other day MIL mentioned that she'd like to stay at our house on Monday (we'll be at work). DH first responded with some wishy-washy answer, but after he talked to me and I put my foot down on it, he told her something along the lines of "that doesn't work well." MIL responded with "oh..ok...i guess."
So, DH still isn't great at giving concrete answers, but he's getting better. And MIL is still being passive aggressive about it. But, it's progress...although the road to this point has been rocky. And I completely anticipate some tension this weekend when 1. MIL asks again to stay on Monday and 2. when we say no to Monday, she stays til wayyy too late on Sunday night.
At least you're going in the right direction.
Maybe set a time to leave like @vor said...fix dinner early and talk for awhile. Maybe play a game or watch a movie. And then after the after dinner event is over start cleaning up like...okay...the night is over. "goodbye"