Trouble in Paradise
monmacdon
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newlywed Disaster
Sorry this is long.
My husband and I have only been married for 4 months after 3 years of dating both long distance, close distance and finally living together shortly.
I have never felt more lonely and depressed in my life than I do now. Trust me, I know that I am not exactly a joy to be around right now. I'm sad or angry most days. I'm depressed, without a doubt.
But it is difficult for me NOT to blame my husband for where I'm at. He is emotionally unavailable, we have a lack of intimacy and he refuses to take any responsibility for our issues. He loves making fat jokes (I'm 5'7" and 140), he "jokingly" calls me a retard (he's still baffled as to how I don't think that's funny)... the list goes on. When I need him to be my support system, he bails and goes to his computer or locks himself in a room to read a book. I can be crying and he will lay or sit next to me and not reach out a hand or ask if I'm ok. It's like human emotion has no bearing on him.
In his defense, he has taken my daughter on as his own, he is very intelligent and successful and I really do think he could figure out how to be more present in our relationship if he actually cared. I talk to him about the issues on a regular basis and his response is always, "I'll try to work on that."
We have (from the outside looking in) a nice life. We have a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, great jobs and we are able to take regular vacations.
As difficult as it is, I get up every morning and choose to make an effort to treat him as I'd like to be treated. Kiss him goodmorning, send him loving texts, join him for lunch, tell him how handsome he is, let him know I appreciate his help with my daughter. Getting nothing in return is beginning to wear on me and honestly I am beginning to think these actions and expressions by me give him a false sense that things are ok.
I don't want to be in this relationship but I also don't want to give up on the potential we have.
I think I really need a support system.
Any words of wisdom or encouragement are so very much appreciated!
My husband and I have only been married for 4 months after 3 years of dating both long distance, close distance and finally living together shortly.
I have never felt more lonely and depressed in my life than I do now. Trust me, I know that I am not exactly a joy to be around right now. I'm sad or angry most days. I'm depressed, without a doubt.
But it is difficult for me NOT to blame my husband for where I'm at. He is emotionally unavailable, we have a lack of intimacy and he refuses to take any responsibility for our issues. He loves making fat jokes (I'm 5'7" and 140), he "jokingly" calls me a retard (he's still baffled as to how I don't think that's funny)... the list goes on. When I need him to be my support system, he bails and goes to his computer or locks himself in a room to read a book. I can be crying and he will lay or sit next to me and not reach out a hand or ask if I'm ok. It's like human emotion has no bearing on him.
In his defense, he has taken my daughter on as his own, he is very intelligent and successful and I really do think he could figure out how to be more present in our relationship if he actually cared. I talk to him about the issues on a regular basis and his response is always, "I'll try to work on that."
We have (from the outside looking in) a nice life. We have a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, great jobs and we are able to take regular vacations.
As difficult as it is, I get up every morning and choose to make an effort to treat him as I'd like to be treated. Kiss him goodmorning, send him loving texts, join him for lunch, tell him how handsome he is, let him know I appreciate his help with my daughter. Getting nothing in return is beginning to wear on me and honestly I am beginning to think these actions and expressions by me give him a false sense that things are ok.
I don't want to be in this relationship but I also don't want to give up on the potential we have.
I think I really need a support system.
Any words of wisdom or encouragement are so very much appreciated!
Re: Newlywed Disaster
It sounds like you guys could really use some counseling help. Do you think he'd be willing to try that?
Here is the run down:
During the first 2 years we dated from across the country. He would fly in to see me every 3 weeks or so. On top of that we were forced to communicate through phone calls, texts and emails in order to keep the relationship moving. He was *better at expressing his feelings then because he had to be and he was putting forth great effort for the visits.
After that he moved to the same state as me but 2 hours away. Normally he would drive out Friday evening and stay through Monday morning plus drive out again on Wednesday nights. This was probably the start of him not expressing emotions like he once had.
6 months later he got a great job here and moved in. I am not sure if it has continually gotten worse since he moved in or if it just takes its toll more and more as time passes. Plus being around him every day feels like daily rejection.
He was very happy and emotional on our wedding day and at one point in our relationship he did express his feelings... these are things I cling to for hope.
To sum it up, things have changed from day 1 BUT there were definitely red flags I chose to ignore.
Thank you for your input. I have an appointment to see my doctor for antidepressants. I will be seeing a therapist no matter what, but he has yet to decide if he is completely on board to attend with me.
I know that I'm not in a place to make any huge life decisions right now.
Like I said in my original post, I do know that I'm not exactly a treat to be around right now. I think my getting healthier has to be the first step in order to really assess.
You're nuts in the head if you stay with him for one more moment.
Counseling for you. You wittingly married this creep --- and if you think this "marriage" has potential, I have 3 or 4 bridges i want to sell you, not just one.
What a surprise! I'd never have guessed....
Here is the run down:
During the first 2 years we dated from across the country. He would fly in to see me every 3 weeks or so. On top of that we were forced to communicate through phone calls, texts and emails in order to keep the relationship moving. He was *better at expressing his feelings then because he had to be and he was putting forth great effort for the visits.
After that he moved to the same state as me but 2 hours away. Normally he would drive out Friday evening and stay through Monday morning plus drive out again on Wednesday nights. This was probably the start of him not expressing emotions like he once had.
6 months later he got a great job here and moved in. I am not sure if it has continually gotten worse since he moved in or if it just takes its toll more and more as time passes. Plus being around him every day feels like daily rejection.
He was very happy and emotional on our wedding day and at one point in our relationship he did express his feelings... these are things I cling to for hope.
To sum it up, things have changed from day 1 BUT there were definitely red flags I chose to ignore.
This still tells me positively nothing.
You can't stay with him. There is nothing here for you --- just go. If you own nothing jointly with this creep and your daughter is not *legally* his --- that is, if he is not her legally adoptive father --- this is all the more easy for you to take your daughter and pack up and go.
I would do it about a hour after he has left for work. Take your clothes and your personal effects and those of your child's and get out of there before he comes home.Let him figure it out; maybe he will notice the 2 of you have gone. And if the doesn't....who cares! His problem!
what is in this for him that he married you? Money? Fancy clothes? What's up that this pig decided to grace YOU with the joys of his husbandship?
RUN LIKE HELL.
And do it TODAY.
Wishing you luck.
It's never ok to make jokes about people's appearance, if she weighed 500lbs, had a squint and spat when she spoke, it's still not ok. It's abusive, if a partner has concerns about your health it can be expressed in a caring manner but not as a fat joke.
THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Like someone else said he's a sociopath. Leave and do it NOW!
Since this talk my step father found out he will lose his foot to diabetes and has also been diagnosed with kidney cancer. My husband has done a surprisingly good job being there as support for my family.
It's been a tough few months here. We will see where we go from here. Thanks again, everyone.