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Should I Say Something?
Hi I am posting this because I would like some advice on whether my suspicions are correct or maybe I'm overthinking the situation. My friend who is married and has 3 children is constantly telling me that my husband is very handsome and that I lucked out snagging him, that he is such a manly man and that she would love for her husband to be like mine. When her husband is home and I'm working she sends food over to my husband. She's Christian like I am and on occasion she has mentioned that she would never be unfaithful to her husband (which I don't know why she would pop out with that) but I think she might have a crush on my husband. She even notices when he gets a hair cut and tells him oh you look so handsome I see you got a haircut.
Should I speak to her and let her know this makes me uncomfortable or should I let it go because I'm over thinking it?
Re: Should I Say Something?
My husband doesn't notice or hasn't mentioned it to me if he does. I have certainly not mentioned it to him.
She sends the food with her husband but says that she wants him to taste her food so that he sees she cooks good too since he is always raving about how good I cook. Also, she has asked him twice to go with her grocery shopping (they both don't work, he had back surgery) and he has said no because he told me he doesn't think it's right for him to be riding around with her alone.
I do feel she has a crush.
Instead of "talking about it" with her - which could just be uncomfortable - I might try to find ways to make a few jokes or passing comments.
When she makes comments about not cheating, I might laugh and say "Well, good. Because you seem to have a bit of a crush on my DH!".
If she says something again about wanting to show your DH what a good cook she is, I'd look at her quizzically and say "Really? Why do you need to prove yourself to MY DH?".
Just little comments and jokes here and there to perhaps get her to realize how she's coming across.
Also, when she makes comments about how she wishes her DH were more like yours, I'd start saying things to the effect of "well, instead of focusing on what you think are attributes of my DH, you should focus on what you love about your DH" and/or "remember everyone has their flaws." (if she tries to dig, though, into "oh- what do you mean? Is everything o.k. with you/ what's wrong with him?" - just reply with "That's not what I'm saying. I'm only pointing out that NO one is perfect. ").
Or heck- even take it one step further. She compliments your DH - in a concerned manner, ask her "is everything o.k.? You seem to be kind of fixated on my DH lately. That makes me concerned that things aren't good at home right now. What's going on?".
Because there probably is some truth there.
I once heard a pastor say that he doesn't mind when other people give his wife compliments, because he knows she is beautiful, and he's already beaten them to the punch - has already told his wife how beautiful she is that day. Although, he would not be okay with compliments that cross a line - complimenting his haircut (something that is openly on display) is one thing....complimenting a rippling bicep, or his buns (something that is normally covered, or a more intimate part of his anatomy) is another. If you do feel as though a line is being crossed, then it would be appropriate for you to let her know that admiring your husband so closely is a privileged to be held by his wife alone. As a Christian, she can't be expected to be perfect (none of us are), but she should at least be able to recognize the sin of coveting another person's spouse (if that really is what she's doing - maybe she is just overly friendly with everyone).
The food thing is a little weird, but at least she's not delivering it to him when they can be alone. I would make her aware that she is actually delivering food samples for you both to try. "Thanks for letting me try your lasagna! I'll share some of mine the next time I make it. We should share recipes."
VOR/OtterJ thank you for your comments/suggestions, I really appreciate them. I am definitely sure that she has a crush on him now because she called me before and was talking to me and asked ME if my husband said anything about the way she styled her hair on Sunday. I said why do you care what he thinks? She said oh you know just because you guys are my good friends and said she had to go. She and her husband are having problems, he is a police officer and has been cheating on her, she caught him twice and I suppose she doesn't feel loved or attractive to him so I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and understand her actions which make me believe she feels lonely.
She is not like that with any of the other husbands of our friends and that is why it struck me as odd and set of a small alarm.
Ah, yes. That all makes sense. But... while you can feel for her, she needs to watch herself. Her comments are really pushing up against a line here that I wouldn't be comfortable with.
You can be nice and gentle about it, but if she doesn't "get it" and doesn't back off, I'd gently say "Friend- I know you're going through a rough time right now. I'm here for you and want to do what I can to help. However, I feel that you have a bit of a crush on DH and have said/ done some things that are making me uncomfortable."
While she says she would never cheat, and while your DH doesn't really care about all this- I just feel like one day, if left unchecked, she WILL do something that crosses a HUGE line.
Since she is having marital problems, it is possible that she is showing an interest in your husband as a misguided attempt to make her husband jealous. I don't know if that's really the case, but it crossed my mind as a possibility.
Regardless....she should not be bringing her marital problems into your marriage. If you feel like you have the kind of relationship where you give each other advice, strongly encourage her to attend marriage counseling, or seek individual counseling, or a women's support group of some sort. Dealing with cheating is difficult, I'm sure, but she isn't addressing or dealing with the issue in a healthy way.