Suspect Husband Is Stealing

TheMadHatter93

I really feel between a rock and a hard place... I suspect that my husband is stealing. He had already denied that he stole but his past prevents me from trusting that he is telling the truth. I also know from when I was in high school that it is extremely difficult to fess up to this kind of thing and how it feels to have people distrust you because of what you did in the past.

Background:

He was raised by his mother who was a kleptomaniac and hung around in school with a crowd of kids who were regularly in trouble for stealing and whatnot. When we started dating he seemed to try and clean up his act - he got his first job and moved out of his mothers house to become more independent. He had a very difficult time managing his finances and got me to help him out. He couldn't afford to live without using foodbanks and thrift shops but somehow he managed to get things that he shouldn't have been able to afford. He often told me that his friends gave it to him or he found money on the ground to purchase it - which was possible.

Then there was an theft allegation made. The woman he babysat for accused him of stealing her sons handheld video game and money from her wallet - he denied it but I later discovered it was true when he suddenly had a new video game system that previously belonged to a boy with the same name as her son. He paid dearly for that as he lost $800 in babysitting money he had earned.

Then there was the incident when he stole from me. I had spent the weekend over at his apartment and when I had fallen asleep each night he would grab my credit card and run to the bank to take a cash advance out for some spending money (that he'd spend on me as well). When I found out the next week he admitted to doing it and paid me back on his next paycheque, he agreed that if he needed money he would ask me and would never steal from me again.

The present:

So its been 3 years now and there has been no suspicions that he has been stealing from anyone - but when we started budgeting 3 months ago things started to go bad. Neither of us has spending money as we both agreed it is more important to start saving for a child - the discretionary money is meant for things we both can do. I've noticed that when he has possession of his credit/debit card (we keep them in the safe), he often pulls money out of his account or a cash advance (my credit card account) and wastes the money. In November alone I tracked $250 being pulled out and he doesn't have anything to show for it.

Since I discovered his little secret of pulling money I spoke to him about how he is stealing from our future and our hopes for a family just to go out with his friends and buy stuff he doesn't need. He apologized and agreed to do better - which he has. He now takes nothing out without making sure I am aware of it and what it is for, he is so good that he gets a bit of extra cash when we have it for himself while I still go without any spending money by choice.

The problem:

Yesterday I got a call that shook me. His friend called me at work (he owns a takeout business and my husband hangs out with them a lot) and began to interrogate me about how much money my husband had before he left the house the evening prior and what exactly had I given him... he then went on to start explaining how he has money missing from his till and that he knew my husband had a similar amount in his wallet when he went to pay for his food... I ended up losing my temper as soon as he started making accusations and hung up.

My husband has supposedly dealt with it. He even showed me that his friend had posted on his facebook wall just before calling me - he had posted that they had such a good time the prior evening (which isn't something you post if someone stole from you). He says it was a misunderstanding and that his friend wanted to "clear him" before he accused anyone else. My husband cut off contact and informed his friend he didn't feel comfortable entering his business anymore if that is how he handled missing money.

I want to believe my husband but I can't. That night I had given him $10 to get food at the place but his friend was running his mouth about their being a "bunch of bills" in his wallet and that he was missing almost $100. My husband maintains that he only had $10 in his wallet and even offered to show me that he only had the change from his meal but I know if he stole money that he would've either spent it or hidden it by now.

Part of what makes this so believable is that he just stopped pulling money from the bank/credit cards and never once bugged me for money - so it makes me wonder if he has been stealing from his friend in order to makeup for that lost spending.

My Dilemma:

I don't know what I can do at this point. I have the unshakable feeling that he is lying to me but I have no proof that he has actually stolen money. I feel that if I push the issue after he has told me that he was falsely accused that not only will I not trust him, he isn't going to trust me either.

I want to just look at him and tell him that I know that he stole from those people and that he has a problem that must be resolved before it get taken too far. But at the same time I don't want to go and suddenly start accusing him of stealing when yesterday I accepted his story because there is still the possibility that I am wrong and I will just do more damage by bringing it all up.

I also don't trust the people he allegedly stole from. I knew them growing up and my parents always told me that they both were bad people and cautioned not to involve myself with them. So when my husband became friends with them, I warned him that they were not the kind of people I wanted in my life and I felt like they shouldn't be trusted. So now that something like this has happened with them it makes me wonder too if perhaps they were just trying to get me to pay them back for money he never stole.

 

simplyelise

I don't think you can confront him about anything since there really is only circumstantial evidence that maybe he stole. Have you guys discussed his past history of stealing before? Has he ever expressed remorse? Concern that he would fall back into the habit? 

Something that troubles me is the way you and he communicate about money. It seems like your dynamic is as a parent and he is the child. I've got a really strict budget right now as we are working to pay off student loans, but if DH and I didn't get a little bit of "blow money" each month, we'd both go crazy. Even if it's just $20 each a month, it makes you BOTH responsible for managing your fun purchases and takes you out of the parent role a bit.

That you gave him $10 when he went out so that he could eat really doesn't sound like the two of you are working together financially. And that seems like an issue that can be addressed while the stealing accusation seems like a bomb waiting to go off.

englishtrish1

You already don't trust your husband as evidenced by the above post, and I don't think you should, he has shown you repeatedly that he is a thief.

I don't know what to suggest about the latest incident but I tend to believe the other guy.

magsugar13

You married a thief, you know you married a thief. You don't and shouldn't trust him with VALID reason. However, you made your choice and now you have to figure out what to do about it. 

Counseling for both of you.

And for the love of god do not bring a baby into this mess!

TheMadHatter93

simplyelise said:

I don't think you can confront him about anything since there really is only circumstantial evidence that maybe he stole. Have you guys discussed his past history of stealing before? Has he ever expressed remorse? Concern that he would fall back into the habit? 

Something that troubles me is the way you and he communicate about money. It seems like your dynamic is as a parent and he is the child. I've got a really strict budget right now as we are working to pay off student loans, but if DH and I didn't get a little bit of "blow money" each month, we'd both go crazy. Even if it's just $20 each a month, it makes you BOTH responsible for managing your fun purchases and takes you out of the parent role a bit.

That you gave him $10 when he went out so that he could eat really doesn't sound like the two of you are working together financially. And that seems like an issue that can be addressed while the stealing accusation seems like a bomb waiting to go off.

In the past he certainly showed remorse when I confronted him about the behaviour but of course when we did talk about it he never wanted to get too deep into a conversation just because we were talking about him committing a crime - he just wanted us to move forward with the promise he wouldn't do it again. 

I didn't get too specific with the finances part but its not like I control the money and he is like a child getting allowance or anything. We set the budget together which allows for $150 per month for us to spend on anything we want and we agreed it would be best to focus it on things for the both of us. He is of course allowed to use the cards/cash for things in that category as long as they are run by me - just like how I need to run it by him before spending money as well. Neither of us get "rejected" unless it is a complete waste of money.

When I say I gave him $10 to go eat - it was just that he had absolutely no cash on him and didn't want to bring his debit card, so he asked me for my $10 bill to grab supper at their place while they were hanging out. I only even mention it because of all the questions his friend was asking me about how much money I had given him that night before he left.

TheMadHatter93

magsugar13 said:

You married a thief, you know you married a thief. You don't and shouldn't trust him with VALID reason. However, you made your choice and now you have to figure out what to do about it. 

Counseling for both of you.

And for the love of god do not bring a baby into this mess!

I think counselling could help us with this but then it of course boils down to how I could bring it to a point where he'd be comfortable going. It worries me that there is the potential that he did nothing wrong and I am the crazy wife telling him that we need a therapist to deal with a stealing issue that is in her head. 

Of course I wouldn't bring a baby in at a time like this - that was actually in my thoughts as I wrote the post! The last thing we would need is to have the baby at risk because of his behaviour or to have a child raised with the potential for them to witness the behaviour as normal (like he did). 

catsareniice1

Sounds like he has a major issue with stealing that he may not ever outgrow. If he's religious maybe repenting through confession might make him feel better or what others said counseling may be needed at this point. And, do not have a child with this man ever or until you know for sure he can lead an honest life. 

englishtrish1

I'm going to put my mental health hat on here, kleptomania is usually an uncontrollable impulse to take things, usually small inconsequential things, it's not a choice and its treatable. It's also usually only one symptom among many.
Your MIL may or may not have had this issue, I would bet my many many years of experience that your husband does not.
One day he will steal from someone who is not connected to him, who you cannot rationalize his behavior by blaming the victim and cannot bail him out. Then he will face the legal consequences he has so far been enabled out if. Then the reality may force him to face his issue and change.

puppylove2014

englishtrish1 said:

I'm going to put my mental health hat on here, kleptomania is usually an uncontrollable impulse to take things, usually small inconsequential things, it's not a choice and its treatable. It's also usually only one symptom among many. Your MIL may or may not have had this issue, I would bet my many many years of experience that your husband does not. One day he will steal from someone who is not connected to him, who you cannot rationalize his behavior by blaming the victim and cannot bail him out. Then he will face the legal consequences he has so far been enabled out if. Then the reality may force him to face his issue and change.

^^^ All of this. You could really benefit from counselling. Even if he won't go, you have things you need to sort out. 

That you would marry someone who stole from you and even attempt a justification with saying he spent some of the money he stole from you on you, I just don't understand. 

You do not have to live like this and you are not responsible for fixing him. While you can feel badly for how he was raised, it really is not your problem. He is responsible for coming to terms with and dealing with his own issues. I'm not trying to be harsh...but as you get tired of these things "coincidentally" happening around him, I think you will begin to understand that. 

TarponMonoxide

TheMadHatter93 said:

I really feel between a rock and a hard place... I suspect that my husband is stealing. He had already denied that he stole but his past prevents me from trusting that he is telling the truth. I also know from when I was in high school that it is extremely difficult to fess up to this kind of thing and how it feels to have people distrust you because of what you did in the past.

Background:

He was raised by his mother who was a kleptomaniac and hung around in school with a crowd of kids who were regularly in trouble for stealing and whatnot. When we started dating he seemed to try and clean up his act - he got his first job and moved out of his mothers house to become more independent. He had a very difficult time managing his finances and got me to help him out.

This is the telling part and the critical part:

A guy who can't handle money or know how to wisely save or spend it.

Based on that, you needed to find another boyfriend asap --- it's critical that a partner know his stuff when it comes to money and how to save and spend it.

Money's going to be one of the Big 3 that couples argue about and argue about vehemently.

He couldn't afford to live without using foodbanks and thrift shops but somehow he managed to get things that he shouldn't have been able to afford. He often told me that his friends gave it to him or he found money on the ground to purchase it - which was possible.

Possible?

Nope.

I guarantee you he is lying, too -- and this is another dealbreaker: he lies constantly, or he just plain lies ONCE?

Get rid of him when you can.

Lying constamtly is a sign of insecurity or some other emotional issue. And who wants to live with a liar???

Then there was an theft allegation made. The woman he babysat for accused him of stealing her sons handheld video game and money from her wallet - he denied it but I later discovered it was true when he suddenly had a new video game system that previously belonged to a boy with the same name as her son. He paid dearly for that as he lost $800 in babysitting money he had earned.

Why didn't you get RID of him?????

Now he is playing you for a fool. You needed to get rid of him right there.

Then there was the incident when he stole from me.

You needed to get rid of him, as I said....

I spent the weekend over at his apartment and when I fell asleep each night he would grab my credit card and run to the bank to take a cash advance out for some spending money (that he'd spend on me as well).

What are you, kiddiin', lady???

For love of Christ, he needed to be booted immediately and you needed to file police charges!!!!


When I found out the next week he admitted to doing it and paid me back on his next paycheque, he agreed that if he needed money he would ask me and would never steal from me again.

What a nice guy! Gee, this is fantastic....UGH. You needed to get rid of his ass there and then. Fool me once --- he fooled you when he lied and Fool Me twice, it's on you. Stop enabling him and being his damn doormat; get rid of him based on the fact he is dishonest, a liar and a thief!

The present:

So its been 3 years now and there has been no suspicions that he has been stealing from anyone - but when we started budgeting 3 months ago things started to go bad. Neither of us has spending money as we both agreed it is more important to start saving for a child - the discretionary money is meant for things we both can do. I've noticed that when he has possession of his credit/debit card (we keep them in the safe), he often pulls money out of his account or a cash advance (my credit card account) and wastes the money. In November alone I tracked $250 being pulled out and he doesn't have anything to show for it.

Since I discovered his little secret of pulling money I spoke to him about how he is stealing from our future and our hopes for a family just to go out with his friends and buy stuff he doesn't need. He apologized and agreed to do better - which he has. He now takes nothing out without making sure I am aware of it and what it is for, he is so good that he gets a bit of extra cash when we have it for himself while I still go without any spending money by choice.

The problem:

Yesterday I got a call that shook me. His friend called me at work (he owns a takeout business and my husband hangs out with them a lot) and began to interrogate me about how much money my husband had before he left the house the evening prior and what exactly had I given him... he then went on to start explaining how he has money missing from his till and that he knew my husband had a similar amount in his wallet when he went to pay for his food... I ended up losing my temper as soon as he started making accusations and hung up.

My husband has supposedly dealt with it. He even showed me that his friend had posted on his facebook wall just before calling me - he had posted that they had such a good time the prior evening (which isn't something you post if someone stole from you). He says it was a misunderstanding and that his friend wanted to "clear him" before he accused anyone else. My husband cut off contact and informed his friend he didn't feel comfortable entering his business anymore if that is how he handled missing money.

I want to believe my husband but I can't. That night I had given him $10 to get food at the place but his friend was running his mouth about their being a "bunch of bills" in his wallet and that he was missing almost $100. My husband maintains that he only had $10 in his wallet and even offered to show me that he only had the change from his meal but I know if he stole money that he would've either spent it or hidden it by now.

Part of what makes this so believable is that he just stopped pulling money from the bank/credit cards and never once bugged me for money - so it makes me wonder if he has been stealing from his friend in order to makeup for that lost spending.

My Dilemma:

I don't know what I can do at this point. I have the unshakable feeling that he is lying to me but I have no proof that he has actually stolen money. I feel that if I push the issue after he has told me that he was falsely accused that not only will I not trust him, he isn't going to trust me either.

I want to just look at him and tell him that I know that he stole from those people and that he has a problem that must be resolved before it get taken too far. But at the same time I don't want to go and suddenly start accusing him of stealing when yesterday I accepted his story because there is still the possibility that I am wrong and I will just do more damage by bringing it all up.

I also don't trust the people he allegedly stole from. I knew them growing up and my parents always told me that they both were bad people and cautioned not to involve myself with them.

They are the lesser problem in this entire equation! The fact your husband is a thief and liar is what you need to address.

So when my husband became friends with them, I warned him that they were not the kind of people I wanted in my life and I felt like they shouldn't be trusted. So now that something like this has happened with them it makes me wonder too if perhaps they were just trying to get me to pay them back for money he never stole.

 

Are you legally married to this guy?

If you are not, take a walk. No forwarding address, just go.

If you are married to him:

Ditch him based on the fact that you simply cannot trust him.

The fact he's lied to you and stolen from you would also be a factor, no matter "how long ago" it occured.

And counseling for you.

Why?

Because you are accepting the bottom of the barrel and the lowest form of life ont he food chain!

Why did you think it was a great idea to stay with a guy who lied and stole??

Do you think he'd be a great husband? A great example and father to your kids?

Get rid of him.

File and do not look back. Don't leave a forwarding address. Pack up your stuff and get out,when he is gone for work.

MrsAshleyH10

Based on your other posts I've read, you're still quite young. I think you're realizing you made a mistake marrying this guy; I'm not one for really advocating divorce, but I think it's probably the best thing for you. 

This man has stolen from you and others, lied to you and others, and doesn't appear to show any remorse.... One of these times, he is going to steal from the "wrong" person and not only will he be punished, you will be too. 

You need to be honest with yourself.  The thought of not being with him and being on your own is probably terrifying, but it's something you need to do.  Please seek some therapy for yourself in regards to this matter.  And please, please, please do not think about having a baby with this man.

TheMadHatter93

There have certainly been a lot of valid responses here that have given me a lot to think about.

I do realize that when he first stole from me that I should've been stronger and put an end to it then, but of course I was only a teenager who was naïve enough to believe that it wasn't as bad as it truly was and gave him a chance.

It is a lot easier to look at the past and realize that I made a mistake by staying with him; but reality is that I stayed with him for years after and even married him. Divorce is not something that I would jump into if there is a way to correct the situation - I feel that divorce is reserved for much more serious situations.

I've been thinking that it'd be best to sit with him and explain how it appears to anyone looking at the facts regardless of what he claims happened and make him realize the potential consequences for the both of us if this happens with the wrong person. Hopefully the knowledge that I can't trust him anymore will be enough to drive him to go to get professional help.

I can also reassure everyone that a baby would not be brought into a life like this. Prior to this it was certainly something we were considering but now I have taken it off the table completely... no chances of having a baby until I am certain that this has been handled.

magsugar13

TheMadHatter93 said:

There have certainly been a lot of valid responses here that have given me a lot to think about.

I do realize that when he first stole from me that I should've been stronger and put an end to it then, but of course I was only a teenager who was naïve enough to believe that it wasn't as bad as it truly was and gave him a chance.

It is a lot easier to look at the past and realize that I made a mistake by staying with him; but reality is that I stayed with him for years after and even married him. Divorce is not something that I would jump into if there is a way to correct the situation - I feel that divorce is reserved for much more serious situations.

I've been thinking that it'd be best to sit with him and explain how it appears to anyone looking at the facts regardless of what he claims happened and make him realize the potential consequences for the both of us if this happens with the wrong person. Hopefully the knowledge that I can't trust him anymore will be enough to drive him to go to get professional help.

I can also reassure everyone that a baby would not be brought into a life like this. Prior to this it was certainly something we were considering but now I have taken it off the table completely... no chances of having a baby until I am certain that this has been handled.

That's right marrying a criminal and a lair (and that is what he is) is not a serious issue. You can stay married to him and cure him of this issue that he has had all his life. 

Funny I was raised to believe that stealing from people is right up there close to the top of the list of things that are not acceptable. 

MrsAshleyH10

TheMadHatter93 said:

There have certainly been a lot of valid responses here that have given me a lot to think about.

I do realize that when he first stole from me that I should've been stronger and put an end to it then, but of course I was only a teenager who was naïve enough to believe that it wasn't as bad as it truly was and gave him a chance.

It is a lot easier to look at the past and realize that I made a mistake by staying with him; but reality is that I stayed with him for years after and even married him. Divorce is not something that I would jump into if there is a way to correct the situation - I feel that divorce is reserved for much more serious situations.

I've been thinking that it'd be best to sit with him and explain how it appears to anyone looking at the facts regardless of what he claims happened and make him realize the potential consequences for the both of us if this happens with the wrong person. Hopefully the knowledge that I can't trust him anymore will be enough to drive him to go to get professional help.

I can also reassure everyone that a baby would not be brought into a life like this. Prior to this it was certainly something we were considering but now I have taken it off the table completely... no chances of having a baby until I am certain that this has been handled.

So, my instincts were correct. You were really young when you got with this guy and you continue to let him use you through your adulthood. Grow a backbone.

READ:  HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.  I've seen your previous posts about him not sticking up for you at a dinner party, he lies to your face, he steals from you, friends, and probably family. That credit card fraud from earlier this month... who's to say that wasn't your H..??? Just something to think about.

I do not believe this behavior is something that can be "handled".  He is a compulsive liar and thief.   Your life. GL

ETA: You also need to stop defending him and lying or omitting the truth for him. You know exactly what he is and you "helping" him does nothing for the situation except make it worse. In his mind you'll have his back no matter what criminal  (or personal) offense he commits.

Sisugal

we both agreed it is more important to start saving for a child -  WRONG PRIOIRITY

COUNSELING FOR YOU BOTH - ASAP!

englishtrish1

I am very sad for you, you continue to rationalize his behavior and along with his victims enable it.
He knows this and takes advantage of it and you