I am new here, need some advice.

hiljoys22

Hello everyone --

I am new here, but have been 'in the background' a bit just reading others' issues and all of the advice, etc. I love all of the support I am seeing, and I feel like this may help me air out some issues and get much needed advice.

So, a little bit of background on SO and I. We were married 3 years ago, together 1 year before that. I met him at my previous job, and we really hit it off - things were great, he was amazing - so supportive, nice, caring, all of the above. He went above and beyond for me anytime he could. I fell head over heels for this man. 

My family was a tad hesitant, as he is 19 years my senior. Initially, I would have never guessed he was that much older than me. He was fun, outgoing, spontaneous, had a great career and was stable. Everything I wanted in a man. He eventually convinced my family he was everything that I saw in him.

I got pregnant almost a year into our relationship. We were married a few months later. It wasn't frilly and unexpected, but I felt like it was the best decision we could make. It went very well, the wedding was beautiful for being thrown together in a few weeks. I was very happy. 

Then it changed. 

I feel like he was a different man after we got married. He stopped being spontaneous. He stopped talking to me as much. It was like everything just did that. Stopped. Me being pregnant, I thought it was just my emotions playing a part in it. My best friend, who I talk to every day, has always told me it was him - that he was never who I fell in love with. She saw something "change" in him. I would talk to him too, not just her. He would always say "stress at work", "stressed about money", etc. So, I'd try to help as much as I could, but it would just continue like this. Like a cycle of ups and downs.

(*Sorry if this is jumbled at all, it's difficult for me to convey these things sometimes)

Anyway, our son was born. This was a difficult time for me. I had postpartum depression, I felt so sad and scared. He was not much help to me during the first months of his life. He didn't know how to help, he didn't know what to do. He would take him for a few hours at night so I could sleep, then I had him the rest of the time while he went to work, etc. It has since gotten much better, but I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I wasn't necessarily ready to be a mom, but who is?! Being a SAHM was hard on me at first as well. I still struggle with it. I love it, and I love being there for my son every step of the way. But I feel like I lost my identity. 

Which brings me to issue number 1. -- My husband makes me feel guilty for going out. 

I have one true friend that I spend time with - and my mom. He says he doesn't care, but he makes me feel guilty any time I go away on my own. If he stays with the baby (now 2.5), it's like he has an upper hand on me for awhile. My husband works a lot, and every time I ask to go out or have a break, he always brings that up. He says he has things he needs to do, and when he gets time away from work, I always ask for something and he never gets to do anything on his "list". This is not true.. I maybe go out alone once or twice a month. Seriously, it's never more than 3-4 hours either. Never an all day excursion. I don't take up tons of time "going out", and he always has time to do other things when I get back or I try to make it so he can do things before I go, etc. 

My second main issue is that he expects SO much from me.

He says he doesn't, but this is probably the biggest culprit for our many fights. I ask him all of the time - is there anything I can help with? Anything I can do for you? -- I cook, I clean the house, do laundry, I take care of our son all day. This is what I consider my "job" as a wife. We set it up that way - he goes to work, comes home and works on outside "stuff", and other manly chores. 

Well, we have come to the point where he gets stressed at work, comes home, then takes it out on me. He says I don't do enough here, says I don't help him with his "list" -- I really don't even know what his list consists of! It's usually things I just don't do, which makes him angry at me. He told me there should never be anything "I just don't do". Examples of things he wants me to do - measure, and go get quotes for cabinets for the kitchen. Get quotes and talk to a contractor about our  home remodel and addition. I tell him I don't feel comfortable doing some of these things, and that upsets him. I will call a contractor, but I want my husband here when they come here. He doesn't see that as a big deal. 

Another issue - he doesn't compromise. 

Example - I would love to list our home for sale. I know many things come with listing a home, and I know it is a lot of work. My husband owned this house before we met, and he made it into a "bachelor pad". Thinking he would never get married again, he remodeled it as a one bedroom loft house. It has one bathroom with a shower. It is gorgeous on the inside, but it is very small and cramped. There are toys everywhere. My son loves baths, and takes one in a small tub I bought on Amazon. He barely fits anymore. I've asked my husband if we can add a tub, and he tells me "when we put on the addition". I don't feel like and addition will take away the problems this home has.. I know it will help with our space issue, but there are other reasons I want to list. There are about 40 steps down to our home. We live on a small lake, and sit in a sort of "bowl". So, we have no garage, we park up a hill and walk down said 40 steps to our house. My son, groceries, anything we buy, have all come or fallen down those steps more than once. I despise them. Our lot is small, and doesn't allow for a garage to be built. We are planning for a driveway down the side of our house, but it is quite steep. When the 2 story addition (which will add a 4 season room and a master bedroom) is built, it will take out another good chunk of our already small yard. My husband is just so in love with the lake, this house, he does not want to move or consider moving. I've tried so hard to see the good in this house, and it is cute and I do like it but it isn't functional for us as a family. My husband refuses to see that. There is more to this (money/costs, etc), but I will stop here with this one.

The last issue I will tell you about is this. I feel like he's just mean. A lot.

I feel like I ask him "what's wrong?" a lot. I feel like I've been supportive of him. Maybe I haven't been enough for him? I don't know for sure. Anyway, he doesn't say nice things to me. When we fight, he's called me names. He's thrown things, gotten in my face. He has never hit me, but he looks at me with a disgust at times. A look I just can't unsee. My best friend tells me she thinks it's just him, that he's just a dick.. Always has been, always will be. I'm starting to feel like this may be true. I have asked him if he knows he acts this way, or if he realizes he's being an ass and he says "yes", like he's proud. The last few times we have fought, it ends in me screaming at him and crying. I just am fed up with his unwillingness to see what I see. I've told him that I think we need to see a counselor - and I'm actually going to one this week, just for me though. I want to try, and I feel like that's all I've been doing since we got married. Him on the other hand? I barely get anything from him. He's affectionate, but not too often. Our sex life is basically nonexistent. I'm young, and I want it a lot. He used to.. and now I'm just thinking it's the age difference? Maybe I expect too much? I don't know. I feel like I'm just old and worn down, and I am only 24. 

I have so much more to say,/more examples, etc. but I will leave it at this for now. I'm interested to see what you ladies (and men) have to say about this.

What do you think, what would you do? 

TIA

BlueBirdMB

hiljoys22 said:

Hello everyone --

I am new here, but have been 'in the background' a bit just reading others' issues and all of the advice, etc. I love all of the support I am seeing, and I feel like this may help me air out some issues and get much needed advice.

So, a little bit of background on SO and I. We were married 3 years ago, together 1 year before that. I met him at my previous job, and we really hit it off - things were great, he was amazing - so supportive, nice, caring, all of the above. He went above and beyond for me anytime he could. I fell head over heels for this man. 

My family was a tad hesitant, as he is 19 years my senior. Initially, I would have never guessed he was that much older than me. He was fun, outgoing, spontaneous, had a great career and was stable. Everything I wanted in a man. He eventually convinced my family he was everything that I saw in him.  I don't think age is an issue in itself as long as your match in values, maturity, and are in the same place in life.  You sound like you were 20 years old when you met?  So he was 39?  I find it hard to believe that a 20 year old and a 39 year old are in the same place of life.  Part of your story makes me think that you were forced into growing up very quickly and weren't ready for it.

I got pregnant almost a year into our relationship. We were married a few months later. It wasn't frilly and unexpected, but I felt like it was the best decision we could make. It went very well, the wedding was beautiful for being thrown together in a few weeks. I was very happy.  Being 21 years old, married, with a baby, is extremely difficult for most people.  

Then it changed. 

I feel like he was a different man after we got married. He stopped being spontaneous. He stopped talking to me as much. It was like everything just did that. Stopped. Me being pregnant, I thought it was just my emotions playing a part in it. My best friend, who I talk to every day, has always told me it was him - that he was never who I fell in love with. She saw something "change" in him. I would talk to him too, not just her. He would always say "stress at work", "stressed about money", etc. So, I'd try to help as much as I could, but it would just continue like this. Like a cycle of ups and downs.  He might have been stressed about money.  He may have no felt financially prepared for a wife and child.  He may not have felt prepared in any way for a wife and child.  That's what I think the bulk of his issue is- he was not in any way ready to be a husband and father.  That's his own issue.

(*Sorry if this is jumbled at all, it's difficult for me to convey these things sometimes)

Anyway, our son was born. This was a difficult time for me. I had postpartum depression, I felt so sad and scared. He was not much help to me during the first months of his life. He didn't know how to help, he didn't know what to do. He would take him for a few hours at night so I could sleep, then I had him the rest of the time while he went to work, etc. It has since gotten much better, but I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I wasn't necessarily ready to be a mom, but who is?! Being a SAHM was hard on me at first as well. I still struggle with it. I love it, and I love being there for my son every step of the way. But I feel like I lost my identity. Of course you feel like you don't have an identity.  You never got to develop one before having a child because you were so young.  

Which brings me to issue number 1. -- My husband makes me feel guilty for going out. 

I have one true friend that I spend time with - and my mom. He says he doesn't care, but he makes me feel guilty any time I go away on my own. If he stays with the baby (now 2.5), it's like he has an upper hand on me for awhile. My husband works a lot, and every time I ask to go out or have a break, he always brings that up. He says he has things he needs to do, and when he gets time away from work, I always ask for something and he never gets to do anything on his "list". This is not true.. I maybe go out alone once or twice a month. Seriously, it's never more than 3-4 hours either. Never an all day excursion. I don't take up tons of time "going out", and he always has time to do other things when I get back or I try to make it so he can do things before I go, etc.  I see nothing wrong with going out 2 times a month.  You deserve to have time and so does he.  If he can't parent alone for a few hours a month, then he is being a controlling, incapable ass.  He needs to grow up and realize that he is the FATHER which means that he just as responsible for child care as you are.  He also sounds like he is trying to control you by not allowing you to leave the house.

Do you ever go out as a family?  Have fun as a couple?  I'm concerned that you are home being miserable as a SAHM alone just waiting to be able to go out alone to enjoy. Being out with your friend and mom shouldn't be the only enjoyable thing in your life.  You should have fun with your husband, with your child, have fun with your family in addition to your friend and mom.

My second main issue is that he expects SO much from me.

He says he doesn't, but this is probably the biggest culprit for our many fights. I ask him all of the time - is there anything I can help with? Anything I can do for you? -- I cook, I clean the house, do laundry, I take care of our son all day. This is what I consider my "job" as a wife. We set it up that way - he goes to work, comes home and works on outside "stuff", and other manly chores.  Grown ups have chores.  If he lived alone, he would work a job and come home and take care of his house.  Because he has you, he has to take care of less around the house, sure, but having a job doesn't absolve him of all responsibility to you, his child, or his home.

Well, we have come to the point where he gets stressed at work, comes home, then takes it out on me. He says I don't do enough here, says I don't help him with his "list" -- I really don't even know what his list consists of! It's usually things I just don't do, which makes him angry at me. He told me there should never be anything "I just don't do". Examples of things he wants me to do - measure, and go get quotes for cabinets for the kitchen. Get quotes and talk to a contractor about our  home remodel and addition. I tell him I don't feel comfortable doing some of these things, and that upsets him. I will call a contractor, but I want my husband here when they come here. He doesn't see that as a big deal.  Yeah I wouldn't know how to measure cabinets either.  My husband would.  So he would do it.

Another issue - he doesn't compromise. 

Example - I would love to list our home for sale. I know many things come with listing a home, and I know it is a lot of work. My husband owned this house before we met, and he made it into a "bachelor pad". Thinking he would never get married again, he remodeled it as a one bedroom loft house. It has one bathroom with a shower. It is gorgeous on the inside, but it is very small and cramped. There are toys everywhere. My son loves baths, and takes one in a small tub I bought on Amazon. He barely fits anymore. I've asked my husband if we can add a tub, and he tells me "when we put on the addition". I don't feel like and addition will take away the problems this home has.. I know it will help with our space issue, but there are other reasons I want to list. There are about 40 steps down to our home. We live on a small lake, and sit in a sort of "bowl". So, we have no garage, we park up a hill and walk down said 40 steps to our house. My son, groceries, anything we buy, have all come or fallen down those steps more than once. I despise them. Our lot is small, and doesn't allow for a garage to be built. We are planning for a driveway down the side of our house, but it is quite steep. When the 2 story addition (which will add a 4 season room and a master bedroom) is built, it will take out another good chunk of our already small yard. My husband is just so in love with the lake, this house, he does not want to move or consider moving. I've tried so hard to see the good in this house, and it is cute and I do like it but it isn't functional for us as a family. My husband refuses to see that. There is more to this (money/costs, etc), but I will stop here with this one.  I agree that your house (and his life before getting pregnant) doesn't seem conducive to there being any other person in his life.  If he wants to provide the best life for his family, then it might be time to move.

The last issue I will tell you about is this. I feel like he's just mean. A lot.

I feel like I ask him "what's wrong?" a lot. I feel like I've been supportive of him. Maybe I haven't been enough for him? I don't know for sure. Anyway, he doesn't say nice things to me. When we fight, he's called me names. He's thrown things, gotten in my face. He has never hit me, but he looks at me with a disgust at times. A look I just can't unsee.  No this is not okay.  He shouldn't throw things or get in your face.  There is never an excuse for this.  Your friend is right, this is not your fault, this is him.  My best friend tells me she thinks it's just him, that he's just a dick.. Always has been, always will be. I'm starting to feel like this may be true. I have asked him if he knows he acts this way, or if he realizes he's being an ass and he says "yes", like he's proud.  That's disgusting. The last few times we have fought, it ends in me screaming at him and crying. I just am fed up with his unwillingness to see what I see. I've told him that I think we need to see a counselor - and I'm actually going to one this week, just for me though. I want to try, and I feel like that's all I've been doing since we got married. Him on the other hand? I barely get anything from him. He's affectionate, but not too often. Our sex life is basically nonexistent. I'm young, and I want it a lot. He used to.. and now I'm just thinking it's the age difference? Maybe I expect too much? I don't know. I feel like I'm just old and worn down, and I am only 24. 

I have so much more to say,/more examples, etc. but I will leave it at this for now. I'm interested to see what you ladies (and men) have to say about this.

What do you think, what would you do? 

TIA

I'm glad you are going to counseling.  Hopefully it will help you realize what you deserve in life.

I think most marriages end because one person has given up trying to improve the marriage.  When this happens, there is nothing left to fight for.  You can't fight for your marriage and your family alone.  He seems to be 100% unwilling to fight and I hope you can come to fully realizing this.

You are 24 years old.  This should be the prime of your life.  Instead you feel old and worn down from an emotionally abusive man.

I think you are at the point to cut your loses.  I wouldn't want my son to grow up seeing the type of fighting and emotional manipulation that is going on here.  Do you have a place to go?  Could you move in with your mom for a while until you figure things out?

hiljoys22

Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. 

I feel like I stay because he keeps giving me hope that it will change.

He makes me feel like it isn't a huge deal when we fight - when really, it is. We argue and fight a lot, and it isn't fair to him or I - and most of all, it is not fair to our son. I've tried leaving the house before (twice) during a fight, and he stopped me both times. I was in the car one of the times, and he got in the passenger seat and wouldn't allow me to go. He tries to take our son away from me as well, basically every time we fight. This makes me more upset. 

I feel like we are in different spots in our lives, but he makes it seem as though he is right on the same page with me. He's always made me feel that way, but then these things (that I wrote about) happen. It makes me sad, because when we first started dating he asked me if I thought I was going to 'miss out' by dating an older man. I said yes, that I was a little hesitant and fearful that I would. He reassured me over and over that I wouldn't, that he'd support me in any way he could. He made me believe that this was true, and now I sit here and am saddened that I do feel like I've missed out on a lot. 

He was married once before. They were together 7 years and only married less than a year. He says it ended because she found someone else and moved on. I'm starting to think that may not have been the only thing going on... If he treats me this way, I'm sure he did the same to her and found her 'out'. I'll never know.

But he said he always wanted kids. He's much better now than he was, but the guilt trips are definitely wrong. I know that. It's hard for me to leave my son at all, and not feel guilt. He says I need to get over that, but he doesn't make me feel comfortable leaving. He doesn't reassure me or tell me to go out and enjoy myself. I know that is partly my fault too, as I should just assert myself and go and feel confident in my choice. 

I could stay with my mom and her boyfriend, but I feel like I would be intruding on their lives. They do have the space, and I'm sure they would not mind if we stayed while I got some things in order. I wouldn't even know where to start.

There are so many more blatant and underlying things, and I hope my counselor can assist me with them. Give me options, and then I can go from there. Thank you for your input, I truly appreciate it.

BlueBirdMB

hiljoys22 said:

Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. 

I feel like I stay because he keeps giving me hope that it will change.  He is not making practical steps to change anything.

He makes me feel like it isn't a huge deal when we fight - when really, it is. We argue and fight a lot, and it isn't fair to him or I - and most of all, it is not fair to our son. I've tried leaving the house before (twice) during a fight, and he stopped me both times. I was in the car one of the times, and he got in the passenger seat and wouldn't allow me to go.  WHAT.  That scares me.  If you want to leave, he shouldn't be going to such extremes to stop you.  Sometimes, even in a completely healthy relationship, it's best if one person just leaves for a bit so everyone can calm down, even if it's just to drive around the block. He tries to take our son away from me as well, basically every time we fight.  What does this mean?  How does he do that?  This scares me even more.  I'm afraid for you about where this is leading.This makes me more upset. 

hiljoys22

He stops me from leaving, saying "You won't take my son away" or "You won't be driving angry with my son in the car" -- He says it's because I want to take our son too, and that I shouldn't leave angry with our son to go drive around or cool off by driving around. 

And the taking my son away from me? He does this by physically tearing him out of my arms. He says "you can leave, but you aren't taking him with you" .. "you can't take my son away", etc. -- I mean, I let go because I don't want to hurt him by holding onto him. I just find it odd that he does this at all, but it's basically every time we argue or fight. He takes him upstairs, away from me, or takes him out of my arms.

BlueBirdMB

Ultimate manipulation.  You need to leave, but not when you're angry.  It needs to be a conscious, adult decision.  Since you physically tries tear your son away from you to keep you home, then you need to leave with your son when he's not home.  Leave him with your mother.  Then go back and back your things and tell him you are moving out. 

That's my advice.  This is scary, unhealthy, and is going to turn physical eventually- don't be there when it does.

Xstatic3333

BlueBirdMB said:

Ultimate manipulation.  You need to leave, but not when you're angry.  It needs to be a conscious, adult decision.  Since you physically tries tear your son away from you to keep you home, then you need to leave with your son when he's not home.  Leave him with your mother.  Then go back and back your things and tell him you are moving out. 

That's my advice.  This is scary, unhealthy, and is going to turn physical eventually- don't be there when it does.

I agree with this 100%. I would start getting important papers in order and come up with an exit strategy. This is very scary and not how anyone deserves to be treated.

GilliC

Even before I read you follow-ups, there were some big red flags in your original post. Honestly, it sounded a lot like my XH towards the end. In the end, I thought to myself that I was 31 (at the time) and had at least 30 more good years ahead of me. Did I really want to spend them feeling the same way? I decided that no, it was time to rip off the band-aid and start over, and after the initial gut-wrenching shock of change, these have been the best years of my life!

I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor. That should help a lot. However, be wary, and express your concerns about your marriage to your counselor. In my case I went to counseling when I was still desperate to "save" my marriage, and I learned a lot about my own failings in communication. While it's incredibly valuable understanding that has helped my current relationship develop in a strong and healthy way, I learned these things when I was desperate to try to fix things with my XH, and it managed to serve as a band-aid for five years before I realized that I was the only one changing and trying to fix things.

I would strongly consider whether you want to stay in this marriage, and whether this is the kind of relationship you want your son to grow up believing a relationship should be like. If you do want to try to make things work, you absolutely have to go to counseling together. I've been there, and both people have to be willing to change. One is not enough. I eventually gave my XH an ultimatum that if we were going to stay together, he would come to counseling. I found someone who could meet with us so there were no excuses and laid out the ultimatum. Counseling or separation. He said no to counseling, so that was that. And frankly, if he's not willing to give counseling a shot, it mean that his ego or his reservations about therapy are more important to him (whether he wants to admit it or not) than your marriage! (With the child involved, you need to talk to a lawyer and get things lined up on the legal side first, so that you're ready to go if you have to.)

artbyallie

BlueBirdMB said:

Ultimate manipulation.  You need to leave, but not when you're angry.  It needs to be a conscious, adult decision.  Since you physically tries tear your son away from you to keep you home, then you need to leave with your son when he's not home.  Leave him with your mother.  Then go back and back your things and tell him you are moving out. 

That's my advice.  This is scary, unhealthy, and is going to turn physical eventually- don't be there when it does.

I agree, except the part about telling him you're moving out. This guy is an abuser. Get out, with your son, while he's at work. File for a restraining order. Get any important paperwork and secure some money in an account he can't touch and do NOT contact him yourself. Get an attorney to do that.

TarponMonoxide

hiljoys22 said:

Hello everyone --

I am new here, but have been 'in the background' a bit just reading others' issues and all of the advice, etc. I love all of the support I am seeing, and I feel like this may help me air out some issues and get much needed advice.

So, a little bit of background on SO and I. We were married 3 years ago, together 1 year before that. I met him at my previous job, and we really hit it off - things were great, he was amazing - so supportive, nice, caring, all of the above. He went above and beyond for me anytime he could. I fell head over heels for this man. 

My family was a tad hesitant, as he is 19 years my senior. Initially, I would have never guessed he was that much older than me. He was fun, outgoing, spontaneous, had a great career and was stable. Everything I wanted in a man. He eventually convinced my family he was everything that I saw in him.

I got pregnant almost a year into our relationship.

I am wondering what happened --- did you have a BC method that failed or were you not using BC at all?

Bringing a child into a relationship that hasn't got a couple years of stable "legs" on it is not a great idea.


We were married a few months later. It wasn't frilly and unexpected, but I felt like it was the best decision we could make. It went very well, the wedding was beautiful for being thrown together in a few weeks. I was very happy. 

Then it changed. 

I feel like he was a different man after we got married. He stopped being spontaneous. He stopped talking to me as much. It was like everything just did that. Stopped. Me being pregnant, I thought it was just my emotions playing a part in it. My best friend, who I talk to every day, has always told me it was him - that he was never who I fell in love with. She saw something "change" in him. I would talk to him too, not just her. He would always say "stress at work", "stressed about money", etc. So, I'd try to help as much as I could, but it would just continue like this. Like a cycle of ups and downs.

A number of things could have happened --- maybe you were only seeing his premarital "representative" --- or maybe he wasn't happy that he was married because a baby was on the way.

(You also could have borne the child minus the marriage and did what you thoguth was right for you and the baby, but that ship has sailed)

(*Sorry if this is jumbled at all, it's difficult for me to convey these things sometimes)

Anyway, our son was born. This was a difficult time for me. I had postpartum depression, I felt so sad and scared. He was not much help to me during the first months of his life.

This is very very bad news.

You and he are in a crisis and he didn't stand by you? Very bad.
 
He didn't know how to help, he didn't know what to do. He would take him for a few hours at night so I could sleep, then I had him the rest of the time while he went to work, etc. It has since gotten much better, but I still struggle with anxiety and depression.

Have you seen a physician? if not, please do so.

I wasn't necessarily ready to be a mom, but who is?!

This is it right on the nose --- when you found out you were pregnant, you and he should have discussed what it was you were going to do  -- and the answer to that is not necessarily "let's get married."

You probably know that a marriage with an unplanned pregnancy in its future (or past,if the couple marries after the kiddo is born) is under a great deal of stress. Many of them do not last.

You should have talked it over iwth him and if you were not pleased with his input, you could have decided where to go from there: have the child on your own and raise the kiddo as a single parent, abort, or give the child up for adoption.
 

Being a SAHM was hard on me at first as well. I still struggle with it. I love it, and I love being there for my son every step of the way. But I feel like I lost my identity.

For this, get counseling, stat. fOR YOURSELF.

Which brings me to issue number 1. -- My husband makes me feel guilty for going out. 

I have one true friend that I spend time with - and my mom. He says he doesn't care, but he makes me feel guilty any time I go away on my own. If he stays with the baby (now 2.5), it's like he has an upper hand on me for awhile. My husband works a lot, and every time I ask to go out or have a break, he always brings that up. He says he has things he needs to do, and when he gets time away from work, I always ask for something and he never gets to do anything on his "list". This is not true.. I maybe go out alone once or twice a month. Seriously, it's never more than 3-4 hours either. Never an all day excursion. I don't take up tons of time "going out", and he always has time to do other things when I get back or I try to make it so he can do things before I go, etc. 

My second main issue is that he expects SO much from me.

He says he doesn't, but this is probably the biggest culprit for our many fights. I ask him all of the time - is there anything I can help with? Anything I can do for you? -- I cook, I clean the house, do laundry, I take care of our son all day. This is what I consider my "job" as a wife. We set it up that way - he goes to work, comes home and works on outside "stuff", and other manly chores. 

Well, we have come to the point where he gets stressed at work, comes home, then takes it out on me. He says I don't do enough here, says I don't help him with his "list" -- I really don't even know what his list consists of! It's usually things I just don't do, which makes him angry at me. He told me there should never be anything "I just don't do". Examples of things he wants me to do - measure, and go get quotes for cabinets for the kitchen. Get quotes and talk to a contractor about our  home remodel and addition. I tell him I don't feel comfortable doing some of these things, and that upsets him. I will call a contractor, but I want my husband here when they come here. He doesn't see that as a big deal. 

Another issue - he doesn't compromise. 

Example - I would love to list our home for sale. I know many things come with listing a home, and I know it is a lot of work. My husband owned this house before we met, and he made it into a "bachelor pad". Thinking he would never get married again, he remodeled it as a one bedroom loft house. It has one bathroom with a shower. It is gorgeous on the inside, but it is very small and cramped. There are toys everywhere. My son loves baths, and takes one in a small tub I bought on Amazon. He barely fits anymore.


 I've asked my husband if we can add a tub, and he tells me "when we put on the addition". I don't feel like and addition will take away the problems this home has.. I know it will help with our space issue, but there are other reasons I want to list. There are about 40 steps down to our home. We live on a small lake, and sit in a sort of "bowl". So, we have no garage, we park up a hill and walk down said 40 steps to our house. My son, groceries, anything we buy, have all come or fallen down those steps more than once.

I despise them. Our lot is small, and doesn't allow for a garage to be built. We are planning for a driveway down the side of our house, but it is quite steep. When the 2 story addition (which will add a 4 season room and a master bedroom) is built, it will take out another good chunk of our already small yard. My husband is just so in love with the lake, this house, he does not want to move or consider moving. I've tried so hard to see the good in this house, and it is cute and I do like it but it isn't functional for us as a family. My husband refuses to see that. There is more to this (money/costs, etc), but I will stop here with this one.

The last issue I will tell you about is this. I feel like he's just mean. A lot.

I feel like I ask him "what's wrong?" a lot. I feel like I've been supportive of him. Maybe I haven't been enough for him? I don't know for sure. Anyway, he doesn't say nice things to me. When we fight, he's called me names. He's thrown things, gotten in my face. He has never hit me, but he looks at me with a disgust at times.

A look I just can't unsee. My best friend tells me she thinks it's just him, that he's just a dick.. Always has been, always will be. I'm starting to feel like this may be true. I have asked him if he knows he acts this way, or if he realizes he's being an ass and he says "yes", like he's proud. The last few times we have fought, it ends in me screaming at him and crying.

I just am fed up with his unwillingness to see what I see. I've told him that I think we need to see a counselor - and I'm actually going to one this week, just for me though. I want to try, and I feel like that's all I've been doing since we got married. Him on the other hand? I barely get anything from him. He's affectionate, but not too often. Our sex life is basically nonexistent. I'm young, and I want it a lot. He used to.. and now I'm just thinking it's the age difference? Maybe I expect too much? I don't know. I feel like I'm just old and worn down, and I am only 24. 

I have so much more to say,/more examples, etc. but I will leave it at this for now. I'm interested to see what you ladies (and men) have to say about this.

What do you think, what would you do? 

TIA

You need to say goodbye to this guy, pronto.

He can't stand with you when there is a crisis -- that makes him undependable --- and he is calling all of the shots.He also calls you names and is mean to you ---for that, get rid of him pronto.

TarponMonoxide

hiljoys22 said:

He stops me from leaving, saying "You won't take my son away" or "You won't be driving angry with my son in the car" -- He says it's because I want to take our son too, and that I shouldn't leave angry with our son to go drive around or cool off by driving around. 

And the taking my son away from me? He does this by physically tearing him out of my arms. He says "you can leave, but you aren't taking him with you" .. "you can't take my son away", etc. -- I mean, I let go because I don't want to hurt him by holding onto him. I just find it odd that he does this at all, but it's basically every time we argue or fight. He takes him upstairs, away from me, or takes him out of my arms.

You needed to call the police straight away when he started THIS.

Leave when he is gone for work --- go elsewhere and secure your assets. Make sure he cannot get your money or anything else of value that you own.

Get your financial ducks in a row and do that tomorrow. Then leave and then file for divorce. Do not stay with him one minute longer.

hiljoys22

To answer your question - I was on birth control for the majority of our relationship, then the month prior to getting pregnant, I stopped due to side effects that I was having. I was looking into an IUD, and all of my other options. I obviously was not thinking, we had unprotected sex - I ended up pregnant within that month. We did talk about it, as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. He told me and assured me he would stand by me, help me, etc. every step of the way. 

I said yes to the marriage proposal because I thought it was the best option. I loved him, he loved me. I thought it would work out differently than it has. I agree, there were other options and we (or I) should have thought much harder about those.

I am seeing a therapist this coming week for the first time, so I am getting help for myself. 

I do agree that he calls all of the shots - I am making efforts in hope that he will change that mentality (counseling, and hopefully couple's counseling to follow).

As for the calling names/ etc.-- He does not do this every day. When we fight, he tends to, yes. I feel like it's out of anger. And I do this sometimes too, I call him an "asshole" or "dick".. but usually, it's because I am incredibly angry with him and it just comes out. Is it right? No, I shouldn't name call either. No excuses. I'm working on that too. 

When he takes my son from me during a fight, it isn't as though he's going to hurt him or I. I believe he does it to make me stay, and to make me talk to him. Usually when I get to the point of "I'm leaving. I'm done", I just cut communication, even when he's still talking to me. I still don't feel like this is right, obviously. I do feel like it is a manipulation type tactic of his.

He has also never hit me - Do I think he could? I don't know, honestly. I've seen the looks he gives me, and he has gotten really close to my face and yelled, but he hasn't ever touched or harmed me. 

I've never felt the need to call the police, but I have wanted to leave before and get away from him. 

I am hoping that counseling will help us both, and that he is willing to help and make an effort for our marriage. 

magsugar13

STOP making excuses for him!!! That is your biggest problem.

BlueBirdMB

I agree that you are making excuses.  You're now trying to back off because it's easier.  He gets in your face and screams.  If he does that, he will eventually hit you.  He takes your son to keep you from leaving.  Ultimate manipulation.  It's controlling and abusive regardless of whether he does it in a violent manner or not.

hiljoys22

I know, I am making excuses.. but I want to see the best in him. I just don't feel like he would hit me. I've seen him very angry and upset, but I just don't want to say that I think he would hit me. 

I do agree that him taking my son away during a fight is  manipulation, and definitely isn't right. I 100% agree with that. But because he wasn't violent, I didn't feel the need to call police. Maybe that's another one of my issues? I didn't feel that he would harm our son so I let it go.

It's not that I don't want to hear it, it's just difficult to hear that he could hit me. He never seemed like that type of person before we were married, but we weren't together too long before marriage either. I guess I really don't know what he is capable of. 

I've honestly thought about contacting his ex-wife, to see if she experienced any of this. Would this be a bad idea? I have a feeling it would, but maybe that's because I don't want to deal with his response (if he knew I contacted her)? He blames her entirely for their divorce. They had no kids - but they were together for 7 or 8 years, then only married for one year. It seems like a red flag to me that he may have changed on her too. What do you think?

Thanks for the input, ladies. I appreciate it. Seeing a counselor this Thursday for the first time. She's a marriage therapist, etc. as well. So I am in high hopes that she will help me with this as well.

puppylove2014

Does it really matter if he actually hits you or not? What he is doing is abusive. You don't want to live your life walking on eggshells because he might get mad. That is no life for you and it is a bad example to set for your child.

What happens when your son starts making him angry? Then will you stop making excuses for him?

To answer your question, no, you should not contact his ex. I understand your need to have your feeling validated, but you don't need someone else to tell you you're right. 

Your feelings matter. What is going on is wrong. It is not in your head and you have a right to a peaceful, happy life. PLEASE believe that. If you have to repeat that to yourself a million times before you get up the nerve to get out of this, do it. Do whatever you have to. You have a right to a peaceful, happy life. You really, really do.

magsugar13

You do realize that hitting is the only form of abuse right?

And you do realize what you are doing to your child right? You are participating in behavior that is putting your child in harms way. You don't think this is having an impact on him>?

janined22

I think he is a control freak and he is trying to control you in every way. Don't let him do that to you, with him getting in your face he is abusing you because that is a form of intimidation.  He does that to get you to back off and let him take over.  That is what abusers do, they think that by intimidating you they can take full control of you and you will back down.

Do not let your son grow up seeing this behavior, he has already seen too much with the two of you yelling and him pulling him out of your arms.  As a person that grew up in a household like this I'm telling you that it is not fun at all for the children, they can become either aggressive or withdrawn because of the fear that behavior puts on them.  Your child will feel helpless, not knowing what to do to make it stop and will feel guilty because he can't help.

So if not for you, leave him for your son.

BlueBirdMB

hiljoys22 said:

I know, I am making excuses.. but I want to see the best in him. I just don't feel like he would hit me. I've seen him very angry and upset, but I just don't want to say that I think he would hit me. 

I do agree that him taking my son away during a fight is  manipulation, and definitely isn't right. I 100% agree with that. But because he wasn't violent, I didn't feel the need to call police. Maybe that's another one of my issues? I didn't feel that he would harm our son so I let it go.  You didn't have to call the police.  That's not the issue.  The issue is that you stick around so it can happen again.

It's not that I don't want to hear it, it's just difficult to hear that he could hit me. He never seemed like that type of person before we were married, but we weren't together too long before marriage either. I guess I really don't know what he is capable of. I'm saying it's going to get there eventually, but just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean he isn't being abusive.

I've honestly thought about contacting his ex-wife, to see if she experienced any of this. Would this be a bad idea? I have a feeling it would, but maybe that's because I don't want to deal with his response (if he knew I contacted her)? He blames her entirely for their divorce. They had no kids - but they were together for 7 or 8 years, then only married for one year. It seems like a red flag to me that he may have changed on her too. What do you think?  LOL I actually did this once.  It wasn't my husband, it was a boyfriend and I contacted his long term ex girlfriend.  It was stupid and such a waste of time and energy.  The moment I felt the need to do that, I should have dumped his ass.  So here's what I happened, I wrote to her.  Never heard back from her, but she had called my ex. I heard from him, screaming at me and then we broke up.  Done.

Thanks for the input, ladies. I appreciate it. Seeing a counselor this Thursday for the first time. She's a marriage therapist, etc. as well. So I am in high hopes that she will help me with this as well.

Disneygeek77

The man you fell in love with was not the real him.  It was an act, a con, a scam.  The person you know now, that is the real him.  

Look, abusers aren't stupid.  They know they can't show their true selves from the beginning.  If they did, then they would always be alone.  So they put on an act until they know they got you and then their true selves come out.  

Don't be surprised if he starts pretending to be charming again when he thinks he might lose you.  He will put on the same act he did when you first met, but I promise it won't last long.  Eventually he will go back to his old ways and this will be a continuous cycle in your life and the life of your child.  

Please read these links

http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

http://www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

GilliC

Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife this way? Because as long as this goes on, he is learning that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.

It's hard to recognize and admit that you're in an abusive relationship, especially when there hasn't been an incidence of serious violence (yet). But even if you don't do it for yourself, think about the kind of person you want your child to be, and think about the example that you're setting. A lot of people hesitate to split up because they don't want their children to grow up with divorced parents, but what you're actually teaching him is to stay in an unhappy situation and to treat people the way his father treats you.

CandaceLafleur

hiljoys22 said:

He stops me from leaving, saying "You won't take my son away" or "You won't be driving angry with my son in the car" -- He says it's because I want to take our son too, and that I shouldn't leave angry with our son to go drive around or cool off by driving around. 

And the taking my son away from me? He does this by physically tearing him out of my arms. He says "you can leave, but you aren't taking him with you" .. "you can't take my son away", etc. -- I mean, I let go because I don't want to hurt him by holding onto him. I just find it odd that he does this at all, but it's basically every time we argue or fight. He takes him upstairs, away from me, or takes him out of my arms.

I don't know. Some of the things you are saying about him kind of make sense. We are only getting your side.

However, if my husband was screaming and angry and going out in the car to go cool off I wouldn't want the kids driving around with him in that state either.

1st off - why are you fighting in front of your child? I get that it is a small house but surely you can see the pattern here? You fight, and your husband removes the child from the fight. Your son doesn't need to see you two screaming at each other.

As for some other things - yeah. When people told you that marrying a guy 19 years your senior wasn't going to work out, they were probably right. You two have different priorities and are in different stages of your lives.

But some other things kind of stuck out in your post:

You said he was no help when you had a baby, but he would go to work all day to provide for the family as well as stay up chunks of the night so you could sleep. I'm not sure what more you expected? It's not like you were a single parent, you were even getting good chunks of sleep.

You went through PPD, which is common. That's not necessarily a reflection on your husband.

You say that he won't compromise, and the example you give is MOVING. That's not a compromise - that's you demanding that the family move. A compromise is... putting a two story extension on the house and remodeling it to fit your needs, even though as you had said he had made it into a home he loved already. So he IS compromising.

And the location of the house sounds wonderful and I can certainly imagine why he loves it. Before you got married did you decide to move? Or did you let him think that you would be living in that house that he loves on the lake that he loves forever, maybe putting on extensions?

You then say things like the house remodeling never gets done, but you won't do something as simple as meeting with a contractor to actually get it done. Why do you need your husband there to do that? I can see how he would find it frustrating that you are home and available but won't take out a measuring tape or let a contractor in without him having to take time off work (granted, he could just measure the cabinets when he's home or something) - but maybe he is feeling like you could be more helpful and more of a team player or something.

You have to admit that you fight pretty dirty as well - the whole cutting down communication even when he's still talking to you, holding your son and threatening to leave (seriously, how often do you do this?), screaming, calling him a dick and an asshole, taking off angrily in the car...

FYI: these things are not normal. There's no excuse for it. A counselor can help you to learn how to better communicate, even in a fight. This will help you in life whether or not you stay with this guy.

I don't know. Some of it seems fairly manipulative but you kind of seem so too. Especially with the house in you wanting to 'just list it'. You know, the home he loves. That's not a compromise. A compromise is what it sounds like he is trying to do with the house extension, that you won't help with.

I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just thinking that if you looked at these things from what his perspective might be it could help you to figure out what's really going on, and what you are going to do about it.

Tofumonkey

^ That was me, signed in on old laptop. Whoops!

short+sassy

hiljoys22 said:

CandaceLafleur said:

He stops me from leaving, saying "You won't take my son away" or "You won't be driving angry with my son in the car" -- He says it's because I want to take our son too, and that I shouldn't leave angry with our son to go drive around or cool off by driving around. 

And the taking my son away from me? He does this by physically tearing him out of my arms. He says "you can leave, but you aren't taking him with you" .. "you can't take my son away", etc. -- I mean, I let go because I don't want to hurt him by holding onto him. I just find it odd that he does this at all, but it's basically every time we argue or fight. He takes him upstairs, away from me, or takes him out of my arms.

I don't know. Some of the things you are saying about him kind of make sense. We are only getting your side.

However, if my husband was screaming and angry and going out in the car to go cool off I wouldn't want the kids driving around with him in that state either.

1st off - why are you fighting in front of your child? I get that it is a small house but surely you can see the pattern here? You fight, and your husband removes the child from the fight. Your son doesn't need to see you two screaming at each other.

As for some other things - yeah. When people told you that marrying a guy 19 years your senior wasn't going to work out, they were probably right. You two have different priorities and are in different stages of your lives.

But some other things kind of stuck out in your post:

You said he was no help when you had a baby, but he would go to work all day to provide for the family as well as stay up chunks of the night so you could sleep. I'm not sure what more you expected? It's not like you were a single parent, you were even getting good chunks of sleep.

You went through PPD, which is common. That's not necessarily a reflection on your husband.

You say that he won't compromise, and the example you give is MOVING. That's not a compromise - that's you demanding that the family move. A compromise is... putting a two story extension on the house and remodeling it to fit your needs, even though as you had said he had made it into a home he loved already. So he IS compromising.

And the location of the house sounds wonderful and I can certainly imagine why he loves it. Before you got married did you decide to move? Or did you let him think that you would be living in that house that he loves on the lake that he loves forever, maybe putting on extensions?

You then say things like the house remodeling never gets done, but you won't do something as simple as meeting with a contractor to actually get it done. Why do you need your husband there to do that? I can see how he would find it frustrating that you are home and available but won't take out a measuring tape or let a contractor in without him having to take time off work (granted, he could just measure the cabinets when he's home or something) - but maybe he is feeling like you could be more helpful and more of a team player or something.

You have to admit that you fight pretty dirty as well - the whole cutting down communication even when he's still talking to you, holding your son and threatening to leave (seriously, how often do you do this?), screaming, calling him a dick and an asshole, taking off angrily in the car...

FYI: these things are not normal. There's no excuse for it. A counselor can help you to learn how to better communicate, even in a fight. This will help you in life whether or not you stay with this guy.

I don't know. Some of it seems fairly manipulative but you kind of seem so too. Especially with the house in you wanting to 'just list it'. You know, the home he loves. That's not a compromise. A compromise is what it sounds like he is trying to do with the house extension, that you won't help with.

I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just thinking that if you looked at these things from what his perspective might be it could help you to figure out what's really going on, and what you are going to do about it.

I know I'm a little late to the party, but thanks @CandaceLafleur for playing a bit of devil's advocate.  I had a similar reaction you did reading the posts.  As is usually the case, there is wrong/misunderstanding on both sides.

Your H came with a lot of baggage.  That is hard to deal with.  There are serious red flags and flaws in the way he treats you, very true.  My "armchair psychologist" guess on is there hope?  Unfortunately, probably not.  As a lot of peeps pointed out, you are now seeing the man he really is.  And it sounds like THAT man makes you sad and very unhappy.  Can you all work on the problems and fix/change them.  Absolutely, but it will take a lot of work and desire to change on both sides.  He needs to see the problems, too, and want to change them.  It doesn't sound like he is there.

But I also view some of the things you (and some of the PPs) point out as horrible, as understandable and reasonable.  For example, you absolutely, positively should NOT be driving with your son when you are angry, upset, and distracted.  You really shouldn't be driving at all in that condition.  You said you know your son is safe with his father, so I'm not even sure why you felt the need to try and take him in those situations anyway.  I'm not saying your H should "rip him out of your arms", but maybe it plain came out of fear and concern for your son's safety.  Granted, if it were me, I would first beg my DH not take our hypothetical child in the car with him while he was upset.  To please just leave him in his crib/bed.  But if that didn't work, I'd snatch my child out of my H's arms also.

As an aside, this is an extra sensitive issue for me.  I just had friend's friend go tearing off in his truck, because him and his wife had just been majorly fighting and he needed to blow off steam.  He didn't even make it one mile before he hit a brick wall, careened off that, and rolled into a ditch.  Luckily, no one else was hurt in his stupidity.  But he is extremely lucky to be alive.  He was in a coma for three weeks and broke many bones, including some in his back.  Everyone knows not to drive drunk, but driving angry/distracted or tired are almost as deadly.   

I very much get you don't like the 40 downward steps to get to your house, especially since the grocery shopping and childcare falls on you.  I personally would never buy a house with that many steps, just for that reason.  And that the current layout is terrible for a family.  But this house, that you knew your H loves, was always part of the package.  And the fact that he wants to at least build an addition to make the house more suitable for a family, sounds like a great compromise and a loving gesture to me.

You also complained he didn't know how to help and didn't know what to do during your PP depression.  And, while I certainly agree it was disappointing he wasn't more comforting at this time, I saw this exactly the way you wrote it.  It wasn't that he didn't care or didn't want to help you, he just didn't know how.  And, in a broader sense, I think a lot of us are guilty of that.  If my H developed depression, my feelings would be that I'd move heaven and earth to help him, but my reality would be that I'd be pretty lost and wouldn't know what to do. 

And please don't take my post like I'm trying to push you down or say you're the one at fault.  I'm not at all.  I just want to point out how some of the things you mentioned can be looked at from a different perspective.