Not enough sex

jenniferdeese123

My husband and I got married on November 8th, 2014, so we have really only been married for about 2 months. We had been together 4 years before the wedding but 2 years before he was sent to Okinawa Japan so we didn't really get to see each other except for Skype and the occasional leave he was given. When he was home it was like we had sex every day, 2,3 times a day even. Now that we are married and I moved on base with him it seems like sex has stopped. He allowed a friend to move in so he didn't have to stay in the barracks but that made the sex life worse. I tried getting kinky little outfits, change things up, be spontaneous, I have even started going to the gym while he is working to be more fit, but it seems like nothing works. He works hard, 12-16 hour days and is tired when he comes home. On the weekends he likes to go places and not stay bottled up in the house, which in am all for going and exploring, But I feel like we have lost our sexual connection. We have the occasional "comes home early - date night" but they are few and far between. As a newlywed, I was definitely expecting there to be more sex. I feel like he just isn't as interested any more now that we are living together. I just don't know how to get him to have more sex with me instead of sex every now and then. Does anyone have any suggestions?

artbyallie

Okay, I just got finished working 2 months worth of 10-hour days. I did not even remotely want sex during that time. I can't even imagine so much as thinking about it while working 12-16 hours. Please try to be more understanding. That said, there's no reason you can't go out on the weekends and still have a chance to have sex. Roadtrip and get a hotel room if you're not into semi-public sex in the car or whatever.

crimsonsaffron

I think you should adjust your expectations while your husband is working 12-16 hours per day. It's completely normal for him to be tired and for sex to be the last thing on his mind… You could talk to him (outside the bedroom) about understanding that he's exhausted, but that you would like to be close to him when he's not exhausted. 

TarponMonoxide

jenniferdeese123 said:

My husband and I got married on November 8th, 2014, so we have really only been married for about 2 months. We had been together 4 years before the wedding but 2 years before he was sent to Okinawa Japan so we didn't really get to see each other except for Skype and the occasional leave he was given. When he was home it was like we had sex every day, 2,3 times a day even. Now that we are married and I moved on base with him it seems like sex has stopped.

 He allowed a friend to move in

He allowed what???

Uh oh....this is already TROUBLE.

This is something that you and he should have discussed together and deciced upon together, whether or not this friend or anybody else would be permitted to live with you.

Why did you permit him to decide without you?

I see a great biog problem here and it sure supercedes a sex life that sucks!

You and he cannot communicate together and you and he do not know what a partnership IS. Sad. Wow, get counseling. 

so he didn't have to stay in the barracks but that made the sex life worse. I tried getting kinky little outfits, change things up, be spontaneous, I have even started going to the gym while he is working to be more fit, but it seems like nothing works.

He works hard, 12-16 hour days and is tired when he comes home. On the weekends he likes to go places and not stay bottled up in the house, which in am all for going and exploring, But I feel like we have lost our sexual connection.

With who is he going out and going places with? It sure better be with you!

We have the occasional "comes home early - date night" but they are few and far between. As a newlywed, I was definitely expecting there to be more sex. I feel like he just isn't as interested any more now that we are living together. I just don't know how to get him to have more sex with me instead of sex every now and then. Does anyone have any suggestions?

You need to talk to him.

you need to tell him how unhappy you are and that he needs to be anteing up.

If your sex life is nonexistant completely, this is not so good.

Tell him that if he doesn't ante up and make sure he holds up his end of the bargain --- to make sure you are happy in the bedroom and happy over all --- you will decide to go from there.

I am serious about the counseling. You and he are to be apartnership.

And quite frankly, the friend needs to go.

Tell the friend he is out....and make sure the dude  follows through.

You see, that will be YOUR decision that was made.

Pretty much how he decided the dude could move in.

If your H won't provude for you at all sexually, despite talks and otehr open dialogue with him -- this goes for several months minus no sex at all ---- get this marriage annulled.  You didn't get married to accrue a roommate.

A guy who will not have sex at all with his wife is not normal.

He is either asexual, has shut the bedroom door for only a reason he can name or he is gay.

Very doubtful that he has a medical problem -- it could be psychological but only a sex therapist can make that assessment.

NoneForUs

Married couples shouldn't have roommates unless it is absolutely necessary. You need your space.

Your husband does work long hours and being tired can certainly put a damper on your sex life.

Counseling and booking a hotel room for a weekend might help. 

rizzerazzor

If he's not having sex with you, than who is he having it with,

DawnSerra

Hi Jennifer,

Have you tried talking to him about your feelings in a really safe, non-accusatory way? Something like "Hi honey. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate how hard you work, and I can't imagine putting in such long hours. I feel sad that we aren't having sex very often, so I was wondering if we could sit down and pick a few days per month where we could prioritize sexy time?"

It's also worth asking if there's anything you can do to help ease the burden he's probably carrying around.

I would HIGHLY recommend getting Dr. Emily Nagoski's book "Come As You Are". You'll probably really connect with a lot of the information in there and see your husband reflected in some of the examples. It's a wonderful book on desire, mismatched libido's, etc.

In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with you prioritizing your own pleasure and needs when he isn't around. Also, keep in mind that there are lots of ways to engage in fun, sexy activities that don't require a ton of energy from him. Let him relax while he watches you have fun! 

Good luck!

NoneForUs

Hi Jennifer,

Have you tried talking to him about your feelings in a really safe, non-accusatory way? Something like "Hi honey. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate how hard you work, and I can't imagine putting in such long hours. I feel sad that we aren't having sex very often, so I was wondering if we could sit down and pick a few days per month where we could prioritize sexy time?"

It's also worth asking if there's anything you can do to help ease the burden he's probably carrying around.

I would HIGHLY recommend getting Dr. Emily Nagoski's book "Come As You Are". You'll probably really connect with a lot of the information in there and see your husband reflected in some of the examples. It's a wonderful book on desire, mismatched libido's, etc.

In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with you prioritizing your own pleasure and needs when he isn't around. Also, keep in mind that there are lots of ways to engage in fun, sexy activities that don't require a ton of energy from him. Let him relax while he watches you have fun! 

Good luck!

You seem to be recommending this book a lot. I wonder if you work for the publisher or know the author. 

I also notice that you often advise partners watching each other masturbate. Not everyone finds that sexy or satisfying. Is watching masturbation a turn on of yours? I just find it interesting that you give similar advice to anyone who posts about sexual issues. 

While I believe that books and watching your partner masturbate can be helpful, neither of those are panaceas for all marital issues. Some challenges are too complex to be solved by simply reading books or watching each other masturbate. 

DawnSerra

Hi Jennifer,

I am not affiliated with the publisher. I am a sex educator & sex coach, though, and Emily's book is one of the best that I've ever encountered. One of my clients actually said "My goal this year is to find ways to get every person in my life to read this book." The funny thing is, I'm on the same mission. Haha. It's life-changing.

As for watching people masturbate, that's a completely personal choice. The point I'm trying to make when I make recommendations like that is that sex is so much more than penis-in-vagina (PIV) activities. It can be watching adult films together, it can be sensual massage, it can phone sex, it can be touching yourself while laying next to each other, it can be toys.

They are certainly not panaceas for marital issues. What they are, though, are other tools to employ. Too often our ideas about sex are filled with "should" and "supposed to" and those views are usually VERY narrow and filled with expectation. This leads to a lot of disappointment, frustration, feelings of loneliness or neglect, and wondering if things will ever be the way they're "supposed to be".

Yes, some challenges are incredibly complex.

That said, I cannot tell you how many clients I've had who over-complicate their issues. Often, a few very tiny shifts in thought, in approach, and in technique can yield absolutely stunning results.

So, those things may not be your cup of tea, but certainly don't discount the power of a few very small changes in perspective. 

I've had clients who haven't had sex in years suddenly find new ways to enjoy each other with small, but powerful moments together.

Best of luck to you. I hope you and your husband find ways to connect and enjoy each other.

NoneForUs

I'm not Jennifer. 

If your goal is to get everyone to read a certain book, that may come across as trying to push a product on these boards. 

I think it's great that you are trying to help others enjoy sex more. It's just that some may misconstrue your approach. 

DawnSerra

I completely understand. And I know not everyone wants to read a book for help. It's just going to break my heart if someone who could really use that book waits, and then years later reads it and thinks "DARN IT! I wish I would have read this years ago!!!" Every therapist and sex educator that I know is in the fan club at this point.

I also know that we all have to move through our issues at our own pace. Sometimes we just aren't ready to hear certain things or try certain things, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's our journey, and we make it what we need to, based on where we are.

I also know my trust-factor is low since I'm pretty new around here. It's perfectly OK for people to question my motives and challenge me. 

NoneForUs

My concern had nothing to do with what you are assuming. 

I have read countless self help books and implemented the suggestions in them.