In a terrible rut....

thedoctordonna

I've been lurking on here for some time so I decided it was time to create a post! I don't have any close married/in a (intimate) relationship friends to discuss this with, so I'm looking for some advice. This may be a little TMI so you have been warned. My husband and I have been married for a little under two years but been together 5 years total. We've only been (had sex) with each other so maybe it's lack of experience (or really not knowing what to expect, you can only gather so much from reading). But our sexual intimacy has been subpar, for me at least. Yes, there have been times of great passion and it was good but I've never had that mind-blowing orgasm like I always hear about. His only idea of doing things differently changing to a different (one other) position. But I'm not even sure if it has to do with that or technique (on mine or his part). To top it all off his sex drive seriously took a dive off a cliff these past few months. He got really into video games and now it's a battle of me or the game and I hate it to be that way. I doubt he's cheating on me but a few months back there was an incident that happened that didn't appear to be true (Allegations didn't line up with facts). So now here we are. I've talked with him about it. I asked him was it because I was not attractive anymore. No. Was it because he was stressed. No. Did I do something. No. You get the picture. When I tried to be upfront and do something sexy, he shot me down (with flames). What's going on, because I seriously have no idea.  Thanks!    

elisea92

Oh dear! I'm sorry to hear that you're in a rut. Those are definitely no fun both in and out of the bedroom. I'm not sure whether you're seeking advice on having better sex or having sex at all, so I'll take a shot at giving both?

Having sex: That's strange that his libido has dropped and yet he is not honest with you about the reason. I'm not sure how you approached it, but I know that when I've attempted conversations with my husband about his lack of desire, if I didn't use the right tone or approach he'd get defensive. I wouldn't suggest pushing it - there's a good chance that he's frustrated with his own lack of desire and just doesn't know how to handle it.

Also, does he know you're not loving the sex? That you think it's sub-par? If you've somehow let it slip that you think he's not Don Juan, that could also be affecting his ego and libido. Even the most seasoned lovers can be self-conscious, not to mention one who's only been with you. That's not to say that you have to live with the dissatisfaction, you just need to find the right way to communicate your needs with him. 

Oh, the video games. Killer of romance. I have only found one way to break the trance without getting frustrated. It involves you wearing something sexy and being in the room with him but not interrupting. This may or may not work, depending on the extent of his lack of libido. I found it's most effective before bed. You wear the nightie, you come out to do some last minute tidying up, get water, whatever. He'll (hopefully) do a double take and get hooked on you instead of the game. 

Regarding the subpar sessions: Are they subpar because you're bored of the same old missionary? Or because you haven't had a mind-blowing orgasm? Or technique? All of the above? There's a number of factors that can remedy this. 

Maybe I've helped? Maybe I've just frustrated you. Let me know, and good luck! 

TarponMonoxide

thedoctordonna said:

I've been lurking on here for some time so I decided it was time to create a post! I don't have any close married/in a (intimate) relationship friends to discuss this with, so I'm looking for some advice. This may be a little TMI so you have been warned.

My husband and I have been married for a little under two years but been together 5 years total. We've only been (had sex) with each other so maybe it's lack of experience (or really not knowing what to expect, you can only gather so much from reading).

But our sexual intimacy has been subpar, for me at least. Yes, there have been times of great passion and it was good but I've never had that mind-blowing orgasm like I always hear about.

Probably because you have never masturbated.

Wow -- how can you know what a "mind blowing orgasm" feels like if you nave never really had one???

I strongly suggest that you start masturbating and now. Do so alone; find out what touches turn you on --- use your own 2 hands and fingers, no sex toys. Explore and enjoy!

And then show him.

He also needs to go down on you.

If he hasn't he needs to start. And don't take no for an answer.

His only idea of doing things differently changing to a different (one other) position. But I'm not even sure if it has to do with that or technique (on mine or his part).

Wow -- look into some couples-only ses manuals and explore them together. You and he need to spice things up a bit.

To top it all off his sex drive seriously took a dive off a cliff these past few months. He got really into video games and now it's a battle of me or the game and I hate it to be that way.


This is news that is not so great; he could also be developing a gaming addiction.

The games have to go! Either that or he can get up an hour earlier to do his gaming!

You and he need to do things together and "couple" things that don't involve sex. he has to put the game down and make sure that you and he spend lots of time together.

 I doubt he's cheating on me but a few months back there was an incident that happened that didn't appear to be true (Allegations didn't line up with facts).

What happened here??? Explain further.

So now here we are. I've talked with him about it. I asked him was it because I was not attractive anymore. No. Was it because he was stressed. No. Did I do something. No. You get the picture.

 When I tried to be upfront and do something sexy, he shot me down (with flames).

This is how he communicates ---w ith his wife, his partner and his equal and better half.

What a prize! Mind telling us where you found this gem????

This is not how you discuss things with a spouse! not how you discuss things, period!

What's going on, because I seriously have no idea.  Thanks!    

The excessive gaming needs to go.

he needs to spend more time with you, doing things with you.

What also needs to go is his temper tantrums. he has to be an adult and discuss things with you like a full grown adult.

Communication is key. Without it you have NOTHING --- talk to him and do so outside of the bedroom.