I Feel Stuck

daisymae72

My husband and I have been married for 3 years.  Those three years have sucked, he hasn't worked, he went to rehab twice for alcoholism, he's been to jail for a DUI and he cheated on me.  I tried to sick it up, be a supportive wife...but I am just done.  So effing done. I may be able to forgive some of the things he has done, I just cannot forget.  He is now sober, working on getting disability and thinks everything is just peaches and cream.  For me, it is not.  I feel like if I am doing this all by myself, I might as well be by myself.

I just feel stuck because I have the resources to move into my own place but that would leave him homeless, as he has no income right now.  How can I leave knowing he will be out on the street.  Or should I even care what happens to him?  Just leave and not look back?

Any guidance would be appreciated.  I don't want to be a total bitch but I am sick of being a doormat too.

puppylove2014

I would have left and not looked back a long time ago. Why won't he work?

bethann3181

He has no one, no friends or family, around at all?

TarponMonoxide

My husband and I have been married for 3 years.  Those three years have sucked, he hasn't worked, he went to rehab twice for alcoholism, he's been to jail for a DUI and he cheated on me.

He was a drunk long before you agreed to marry him.

When you knew he was a drunk you needed to say goodbye to him and make sure the door stayed closed.

You don't marry a drunken bum.

He is still drinking? Ger rid of him. He's had enough chances.


 I tried to sick it up, be a supportive wife...but I am just done.  So effing done. I may be able to forgive some of the things he has done, I just cannot forget.  He is now sober, working on getting disability and thinks everything is just peaches and cream.  For me, it is not.  I feel like if I am doing this all by myself, I might as well be by myself.

Then you might as well say goodbye. IF that's the way you feel..

I just feel stuck because I have the resources to move into my own place but that would leave him homeless, as he has no income right now. 

That ain't your problem. That's his problem. Let him live with it.

You are married and stay married because it is a healthy partnership- with mutual respect and with no dealbreaker problems. You do not stay with somebody out of pity.


How can I leave knowing he will be out on the street.  Or should I even care what happens to him?  Just leave and not look back?

Any guidance would be appreciated.  I don't want to be a total bitch but I am sick of being a doormat too.

So  you want him because you don't want him on the streets.

That is not your problem. Get rid of him and do it today; he "fixed" the drinking but what about the cheating? Once a cheater, always one. End of story.

nurse714

You married an unemployed drunk and now you're fed up? I'm glad he's sober and he will be getting disability so he will have some finances coming in. I would feel bad leaving my husband homeless if I married him under these conditions. 

I'm not sure about the law, but you have supported him your entire marriage so he might be entitled to spousal support so he could use that money to find him a place to stay. If he can't receive spousal support and you have the funds to leave and you have decided to leave, then just leave him. I'm assuming you have told him about your concerns.

daisymae72

We dated for 2 years prior to getting married.  During that time he was gainfully employed and only a social drinker.  About 4 months after we got married, he lost his job and lost a child.  Then he started drinking everyday all day.  If that had been the case prior to us getting married, I wouldn't have married him.

VOR

Have you been to any counseling?  Individual and/or couples?

daisymae72

Yes we have been to counseling as well as the Retrouvaille retreat.  Nothing has changed.  Even though he is sober, I feel I need a partner, an equal.  And being the only one to be working and contributing to the relationship is taking its toll on me.

magsugar13

Too friggin bad he will be homeless Was he concerned about you and your well being for the last 3 years?

So, yes if you want to waste 3 more years on this guy by all means stay until he supports himself! You and I both know that wont happen, because you do it for him.

TarponMonoxide

magsugar13 said:

Too friggin bad he will be homeless Was he concerned about you and your well being for the last 3 years?

So, yes if you want to waste 3 more years on this guy by all means stay until he supports himself! You and I both know that wont happen, because you do it for him.

That he won't have *anywhere to go* isn't your problem: that is his.

He can go to a homeless shelter or to some other facility. Again, this is for him to figure out.

So you're going to provide housing for somebody you feel stuck with, out of pity for him? 

Your relationship has run its course. You are wasting your time with him.

crimsonsaffron

Your original post didn't mention something extremely important - he lost a child. I'm not saying that excuses everything, but it puts it in context. 

I'm a firm believer that before you walk away from a marriage, you should fully commit to working through the problems for a certain period of time (say three months) and if after that time you still want to walk away, at least you know you've given it a chance. That would entail seeking individual and couple's counselling (individual for both of you) and not making any plans to leave during that time. If your relationship before the marriage was good, then I think you owe this to yourself and to him. There are serious ups and downs in long term relationships/marriages; sometimes the downs last a long time. Before you walk away, you should make sure you can't make it out of it… Give it a real chance… And seriously, the fact that you didn't mention that he lost a child in your original post tells me that you're very stuck in your own hurt (and your hurt is very valid!) and making such a big decision when you're this raw probably isn't the best thing… 

climbingwife

OP, you can't live your life for other people. If he'll be homeless, oh well. He'll need to figure it out on his own. He's an adult. 

I stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have because I felt bad for him. He had almost nothing of his own. When I broke up with him, he had to move back in with his mother at 33 years old. But I did what was right. I was unhappy and couldn't go on living that way any longer. I had to worry about myself, not him. 

IrishPirate60

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/the-facebook-status-that-every-woman-should-read/

jlp41704

I am in the exact same boat as you, minus the cheating.  He loved to sext, etc before we got married.  I just wanted to check in and see how things are doing for you.  I am going through the same feelings as you.  I work, he doesn't.  He drinks, doesn't work, tries to boss me around, etc.  I have my own money and can pay my own way through life, I don't need him.  Figuring out how to say that to them and getting away before all h3ll breaks loose is another story...