Repost. Advice please

azpanda

R.Wilsonny

Ummm...you do realize that just because he hasn't hit you (yet), doesn't mean that his behavior isn't abusive. I would be listening to your counselor - there are many MANY red flags in your post.

Do you really want your daughter growing up thinking that this kind of behavior from a spouse is normal and okay?

R.Wilsonny

And no, this is not normal behavior from a spouse. Whenever my H and I have an arguement, we work it out like normal civilized adults. And by normal, I mean not smashing things and punching holes in walls.

Don't even get me started on the huge red flags on the sex subject either....why are you even married to this guy?

azpanda

Thank you for your reply. No I really don't want my daughter growing up to see that. Before her I didn't worry about his behavior as much because I wasn't fearful and thought it was nothing but immaturity. It sounds naive when I say some of this stuff out loud, but some times you can't see the forest for the trees.

ecotime47

Sorry you're dealing with this. Based on what you told us, I certainly think there's reason for concern. Has he ever gone to counseling? Would he be open to it?

 

#LivnItUpInCO

azpanda

He has never been to counseling but has said he would go. We've discussed doing both individual and couples counseling. But nothing has ever made it past that point of just discussing it. Because he seems sorry and willing to change I want to give him another chance. But another part of me thinks why waste any more time? He says now he has incentive to change, but I told him you would think your wife crying would be incentive enough in the first place. But it's partly my fault because I let him get away with it all for so long.

magsugar13

He doesnt have to change....because you have given him no reason to.

I doubt you will do this but he needs to go to counseling or move along.

puppylove2014

magsugar13 said:

He doesnt have to change....because you have given him no reason to.

I doubt you will do this but he needs to go to counseling or move along.

^^^ Ditto this. 

How is rape ever a joke? Even if he just made a comment in poor taste, the fact that you obviously thought you needed to clarify with him that he wouldn't actually do it is very alarming. I think you know deep down he is dangerous. 

There are MANY red flags here. If you're not willing to do something about it for yourself, please do it for your daughter. You have an obligation to not let her grow up in this extremely unhealthy and frightening environment.

kittychik1318

My XH was just like that. Except he wouldn't get help (if your husband is willing, get counseling ASAP and not just talk about it). When I refused to give into his sexual demands, he started into "sexomnia" (he said he'd be sleeping and not know it, but I doubt that was true) and doing what he wanted. When I had enough and started getting help for myself, he got even angrier (I refused to let him touch me) and went from breaking items and beating walls to me one night. I left. I believed him that he'd never hit ME, and wouldn't acknowledge the flags. That night changed everything. I'm not saying your husband would do that, but I would be prepared with a backup plan and definitely get to counseling, with or without him. Good luck.

azpanda

Thank you. It's hard to hear situations like that and believe it will ever get that bad. But then again no one expects to end up there. I have a friend who is aware of my situation and who will take me and my daughter in when I need to leave. I'm also starting counseling on my own.

RevJen

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. "Oh baby. i'm so sorry. I swear i'll change. I was just kidding when I called you stupid/fat/ugly. I didn't mean it. It won't happen again."

Sound familiar?

crimsonsaffron

The behaviour you describe is absolutely NOT normal or healthy. The counsellor you spoke with is right about there being many red flags. Don't get caught up in the "abuse" label and what it means for now - your focus should be on having a healthy household and the current situation is NOT healthy at all. 

You say in one of your posts that he is willing to change. It seems that efforts on his part are not sufficient. You need individual counselling and if you decide to stay in the relationship, he definitely also needs individual counselling and couple's counselling.

Your situation is very dangerous psychologically and physically. The fact that he emotionally manipulated you into having sex is extremely disturbing and the fact that he threatens rape through jokes is equally disturbing. 

If I were you, I would actually leave the home while you seek help. You don't have to say that you're leaving him, just that you need some time to yourself. Before you leave the home, though, make sure you see a counsellor at least once. If he does have a tendency to become physically violent, it is likely that he will act on it when you leave the home. You need to seek help from someone who knows how to best protect you and your child. I am not saying this to be alarmist, it's just that what you describe is very dangerous and it's better to take extra precautions than not enough… 

climbingwife

No, that is not normal behavior. He needs to seek counseling. I grew up with a father with a bad temper, and honestly, it affected me greatly. And it even still does to this day. 

As far as him joking about raping you, how would he feel if someone joked like that about your daughter??

short+sassy

PPs have given you great advice about how this is NOT normal and is NOT healthy.  One positive thing I got from your posts is that your H is willing to go to counseling.  However, you both have procrastinated on this because "he wants to change and says he will".  And how many times has he said that?  Either way, counseling will HELP him change, if that is truly what we wants.  Don't delay the counseling any further.  There are huge problems and red flags in your marriage and you both need it.

On the "guilting you into sex" issue, I'm going to outline a strategy I used.  Granted, I was in college and not married, but I had a b/f who would badger me and badger me anytime I wasn't in the mood, until I finally would just give in just to shut him up and so we could move on with our date.

Then my work and school schedule picked up big time and my free time became extra precious.  I went to his place one night and the badgering started.  I calmly told him that I'd already told him "no".  I wasn't changing my mind and I wasn't going to spend half my evening with him bugging me about it.

I gave him two choices.  Either he stopped the badgering now and we go out to dinner for a pleasant evening, like we'd planned.  Or I would go home and get a head start on the homework I had planned for the next morning.  I wasn't mad, I didn't raise my voice, I just calmly explained the new "rules" of our relationship.  He wasn't mad either.  In fact, he apologized and said he did want to spend time with me that evening and promised not to ask me again.  And he kept his word.  Not only that, but the badgering NEVER happened again.  Of course, he would still ask me for sex sometimes if I didn't initiate...that was fine...but he wouldn't ask again in the same evening if I had already said no.

Oh, and that guy was an 18-year-old kid like I was.  Not a grown man with a wife and family who should especially know better.

Your H has already admitted that he bugs you and guilts you because it works.  And look at how ugly that has become.  So stop letting it work.  You should never have to say no more than once in the same evening.  Let him know THAT is the new rule of your marriage.  And if a time comes and he starts to persist, cut the discussion off before it even starts.  Remind him you have already told him no, that's that, and you are not going to engage in a discussion or argument with him.  Stay calm and confident.  Leave the room or even leave the house if he still tries to fight with you about it.