kissed by another man

lucieanne

I have been a serial cheater since I was 15. When I met my now-husband, for the first time in my life I made serious efforts to control my admittedly kind of sociopathic tendencies. (I was severely abused as a child and serial cheating was my coping mechanism. Please don't judge me... we all have our demons ). Anyway I've been cheating-free for over a year now. It is kind of a miracle, I was in a really dark place that I didn't think I'd ever get out of. I couldn't have done it without a lot of love and support from my husband and a lot of help from God.

A few nights ago, someone I work with kissed me. I said no but he kissed me anyway, and then I kissed him back.  Even though I stopped him from going any further and left immediately in a state of horror, it was still totally my fault for putting myself in the situation (alone with him) when I know myself and I should have known better than to be alone with another man, at night, after having drinks.

The situation is like a million times better than anything in the past, because in the past I would have most definitely slept with this other man. So I am able to live with myself...but I still can't help like feeling I broke something sacred in my marriage. I have never cheated on my husband before and I feel like I'm on a slippery slope into my old ways.

I will definitely be getting some professional help in the form of therapy. But in the meantime I haven't told my husband yet and I don't know if I can/want to/should. I think if I didn't have a history with this type of behavior, I would keep it to myself and move on, since we only kissed and I had the self-control to leave before we had sex (even though we were both under the influence of alcohol). I really think it would be better for my husband and myself to just quietly seek help and deal with this on my own...but I hate being dishonest. 

Reactions/thoughts/advice??

artbyallie

You need to be upfront and honest about this. He has the right to know and determine whether this is a dealbreaker for him. And if you cover it up now and he finds out (and people usually do, as I'm sure you know), he will (rightly) never trust you again.

joleri23

Definitely tell him, and definitely seek counseling. Your husband is more likely to be on your side if you tell him the truth as soon as possible AND also tell him what you plan to do about it.

catsareniice1

YOU are married!! My ex didn't understand the concept either.

j3ffsgirl

Don't tell him if you want to keep him, and are truly committed to seeking help. Telling him will only hurt him. Is he aware that you were a serial cheater in your past? That's my advice... And if it were me, I wouldn't want to know. Good Luck! I hope you find peace.

puppylove2014

lucieanne said:

I have been a serial cheater since I was 15. When I met my now-husband, for the first time in my life I made serious efforts to control my admittedly kind of sociopathic tendencies. (I was severely abused as a child and serial cheating was my coping mechanism. Please don't judge me... we all have our demons ). Anyway I've been cheating-free for over a year now. It is kind of a miracle, I was in a really dark place that I didn't think I'd ever get out of. I couldn't have done it without a lot of love and support from my husband and a lot of help from God.

A few nights ago, someone I work with kissed me. I said no but he kissed me anyway, and then I kissed him back.  Even though I stopped him from going any further and left immediately in a state of horror, it was still totally my fault for putting myself in the situation (alone with him) when I know myself and I should have known better than to be alone with another man, at night, after having drinks.

The situation is like a million times better than anything in the past, because in the past I would have most definitely slept with this other man. So I am able to live with myself...but I still can't help like feeling I broke something sacred in my marriage. I have never cheated on my husband before and I feel like I'm on a slippery slope into my old ways.

I will definitely be getting some professional help in the form of therapy. But in the meantime I haven't told my husband yet and I don't know if I can/want to/should. I think if I didn't have a history with this type of behavior, I would keep it to myself and move on, since we only kissed and I had the self-control to leave before we had sex (even though we were both under the influence of alcohol). I really think it would be better for my husband and myself to just quietly seek help and deal with this on my own...but I hate being dishonest. 

Reactions/thoughts/advice??

The only thing telling him would accomplish is relieving your guilt. It would do nothing for him. 

If you really won't do this again, get some help and keep your mouth shut. If you just can't be monogamous, you need to come clean about all of it. Maybe monogimy just isn't the lifestyle for you. 

vpine

I agree with j3ffsgirl -don't tell him

magsugar13

I can not believe people are telling you to lie. amazing. Im sure they would like it if their husbands lied to them about kissing another woman.

Talk to your therapist and get advice on how she thinks you should tell him. He knows about your issues and married you, he knew he was taking a huge chance. You need to be honest with him, he deserves to have a say in how he wants to handle this.

Lying on top of kissing will only make matters worse when he finds out.

joleri23

magsugar13 said:

I can not believe people are telling you to lie. amazing. Im sure they would like it if their husbands lied to them about kissing another woman.

Talk to your therapist and get advice on how she thinks you should tell him. He knows about your issues and married you, he knew he was taking a huge chance. You need to be honest with him, he deserves to have a say in how he wants to handle this.

Lying on top of kissing will only make matters worse when he finds out.

I too am blown away by all of you saying she should lie. Really? You would rather have your husband be dishonest? That's a GREAT way to keep a marriage going. Yep, you should always lie instead of telling someone something that might hurt their feelings.

Unbelievable.

janined22

I agree with the posters that are saying you should tell him.  He will find out sooner or later and if you are having these urges to cheat you should most definitely tell him because he has the right to know from you rather than finding out by someone else.

crimsonsaffron

I think that you need to make an appointment with a counsellor and tell your husband, letting him know that you're committed to getting yourself back on track… Good luck! 

vpine

magsugar13 - I am one that agreed for her not to tell husband - might as well get a divorce attorney if she does.

IF she's admitted to herself she was wrong, she doesn't plan to do it again and will go to therapy, I don't see the issue with withholding this from him.

magsugar13

vpine said:

magsugar13 - I am one that agreed for her not to tell husband - might as well get a divorce attorney if she does.

IF she's admitted to herself she was wrong, she doesn't plan to do it again and will go to therapy, I don't see the issue with withholding this from him.

That should be his choice to make not hers. 

 I'm sorry that you don't see the issue with lying, I guess you wouldn't mind if your H lied to you...you know if he tells himself he will never do it again.

Nothing good ever comes from lying, especially something like this. When he does find out, and he will, it definitely will be him seeing a divorce lawyer. She is an adult that has to pay the consequences for her actions, he is an innocent.

lucieanne

Thank you for the advice everyone.

To close the case...I ended up telling him, despite actually agreeing with the users here who said that I should keep it to myself. In the end I do feel like I caused him unnecessary pain, even if it was the 'right' thing to do. We are working through it ... but I wonder if it would have been best for me to handle it on my own, without putting any of the burden on him. Definitely some of my guilt has been lifted because I was honest, so (as one user here predicted) I can't help but feel it was a selfish choice, transferring my guilt/pain to him. He insists that he would have rather known, so it is what it is.

In any case we are working through it and I have an appointment with a therapist. Thanks again for sharing your advice.

catsareniice1

lucieanne said:

Thank you for the advice everyone.

To close the case...I ended up telling him, despite actually agreeing with the users here who said that I should keep it to myself. In the end I do feel like I caused him unnecessary pain, even if it was the 'right' thing to do. We are working through it ... but I wonder if it would have been best for me to handle it on my own, without putting any of the burden on him. Definitely some of my guilt has been lifted because I was honest, so (as one user here predicted) I can't help but feel it was a selfish choice, transferring my guilt/pain to him. He insists that he would have rather known, so it is what it is.

In any case we are working through it and I have an appointment with a therapist. Thanks again for sharing your advice.

Sounds like you have a great husband! Happy to hear he is going to work this out with you. GL!