How to stop yelling at your kids?

october2004

Old-time poster and occasional lurker here. Hi everyone.

Is there anyone out there who is/was a habitual "yeller" who was able to break the habit? (Calm people who haven't had this problem need not not apply. I think I need advice from someone who has done this in the past.) How did you do it?

I almost NEVER raise my voice when dealing with other adults, so honestly, I did not know I had this tendency until I had kids. I think this is because I can deal with other adults in a rational manner. Kids, not so much.

With my kids, it's my default. I think it is a sort of physical release for me at the moment, but of course, I feel guilty and horrible about it later. But somehow the guilt does not stop me from doing it again. It happens daily, or almost daily.

I've kept a diary and identified my triggers (hunger, being sleep deprived, trying to multi-task, being annoyed with my husband, PMS, big messes, typical stuff). I'm also sensitive to noise (I can't deal with music or the TV being on in the background constantly, for example), so whining and crying from the kids often lead to yelling on my part. I do always start out calmly, asking them to please stop whining/crying and start listening, but after asking a few times and trying to make sure their needs are met, I default to yelling to get them to stop. My yelling only lasts about a minute.

Any advice? If anyone knows a therapist who would be well-suited to dealing with this issue, I'd be open to that, too.

Thanks,
Jen

Luckystar2

I can relate. Dd's crying and whining is like a direct button pusher for me. I can't block it out and it drives me crazy! Being tired is also a trigger but unfortunately I'm almost always tired! Dd is extremely stubborn and strong willed so her behavior is a challenge. There is no reasoning!

I usually try counting calmly to myself to try to calm down. If dh is around I will tell him that I'm at my breaking point and need to have a break/him take over.

But if it is bad and I'm alone I remove myself from the situation. Books I've read on strong willed kids have said that engaging/yelling will only make the power struggle worse so parents need to remain calm, which is the challenge for me. Some things I've read have said to walk away if you can't remain calm. So that's what I do. Dd being stubborn will keep after me so I have had to just lock myself in my room. It gives me time to calm down (or the time to scream some on my own rather at dd!). Dd hates when I remove myself but I think that's because it takes the power struggle away. After I come out she has generally calmed down and is better behaved.

I know that I grew up in a house of yellers (hello hot headed Italians!) so yelling happens without me even realizing it whereas Dh didn't grow up that way. He is also able to tune things out better than I can.

october2004

Thanks for your reply, luckystar. Walking away and locking myself in my room is a good idea. I haven't tried that. It would get me away from the noise and give me the space I need to cool down. I will try it.

MrsAmers

Ditto walking away. I also slam car doors, stomp, and hit pillows. Never in a way that physically threatens the kids, but the physical release seems to help.

I will also Sonetimes talk in ridiculous detail about why I am frustrated/mad/upset. I think this is also a release, and it sometimes gets the kids to stop what they are doing long enough for me to regain some patience. Though most of the time I am upset because they are NOT doing something, but whatever.

The only human beings I've ever yelled at are my kids. Seriously they are the worst button pushers ever, and if I didn't work full time I'm sure it would be worse.

What's worse is that DH yelling makes them listen, but they still don't do what I ask when I yell. In its way, that has caused me to tell less...because it doesn't get me any results and just makes me feel worse.

egpitt22

*raises hand*

I sound very similar to you.  I feel it's become a vicious cycle and one that I'd love to break (and do on occasion, but then fall back into old habits)....I remain calm, ask them nicely to stop doing X (or start doing y)....I get ignored, I ask again, with a bit more authority....then I turn to yelling when that doesn't happen.  I think it's a cycle I started and continue to feed because now my strong-willed 7 year old doesn't even seem to notice me until I yell.  I hate that I did that, and it's not ALL the time but it's more often than I'd like it to be.

My triggers that bring on yelling mostly seem to be them not doing something that they either know they can't do (like throwing a ball against a wall or something) or continuing to do something even after I ask them to stop it (like wrestling near our brick fireplace...for some reason, they just cannot get it through their heads that this is not ok) 

I'll be following along on this thread.

october2004

The talking in ridiculous detail about why you're upset is a great idea, Amy. It might deter my son, because he definitely will not want to listen to that. Ha!

Emmy, yes, I have created a cycle, too. That's why I have returned to yelling, because yelling WORKS. It makes them stop long enough to listen. I know everyone in the family is tired of it, so I need to change it.

denalea

I just want to say that I can be a yeller, too!  If anyone saw us at lunch out (my first venture out with 2 kids.....FAIL) they would see me yell, and practically drag my pre-schooler to the car.  I don't know if I was more upset that he was being so terribly behaved, or that I didn't get to enjoy my pancakes!

More often, though, I hate my tone...even if my voice isn't raised, I sound snotty and annoyed so much of the time.  (Also due to triggers - hunger and lack of sleep - which with a 3.5 week old is pretty much every moment of every day!)  I wish I could be the patient and kind and gracious kind of mom that I envision everyone in my Facebook feed to be!

bride2003

I'm an occasional yeller when I reach the point of no return and & then my kids respond right away.  99.9% of the time its with my 3 yr old that just chooses to do things his own way &  b/c I am exhausted.  I don't have alot of advice but wanted to tell you that I think its great that you are  looking to change.  I know lots of yellers - my sister being one & it is hard to listen to her with her kids.  And I fear they will in turn be the same way. 

sundaygirl

Probably not what you want to hear but a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds has been my savior.  And I'll say up front that my yelling and rage (I did a lot of kicking and throwing things, too, before I realized something had to change) is my problem, not because my kid pushes my buttons.  I think I'd be the same way with a child who wasn't such a challenge to parent.  But the meds help me deal with everything a little more calmly (including my DH!) and it takes me much longer before my temper gets pushed to the "overreact" stage. 

ryanthegirl

I've fallen in to this pattern too. I'm solo with G so much that at the end of the night, I just want to rip my hair out. Last night, when he was refusing to go to bed he was saying "I go to sleep. I not tired. I sleep in my bed. I get out of bed." OVER and OVER. In a less-than-proud moment I yelled "What are you talking about?! That doesn't make any sense!"...at an almost 3-year old, so yeah, I'd like to not do that again, so I'm following this thread.

In the past I've been able to manage it as Luckystar suggested, by leaving the room and taking a few deep breaths. 

I've actually thought about exploring what Erin suggested b/c while G seems to be the "straw that broke the camel's back" for my yelling/rage - it's often various factors that have pushed me to that point.

Good luck!

Meghan&Rich

Good to see you again!

Some days, I do a really good job of not yelling....other days, I am the worst. 

I've found that because of the issues I deal with at work (dealing with irrational, entitled adults while having to remain calm and professional) takes it's toll on me.  I am able to fake my way through it at work, but by the end of the day, I'm exhausted and it's harder to manage my patience at home. (Which is usually the same pattern when I am home with the kids - morning starts out great...lunch time I start to waver a bit...by dinner, I am done.)

My triggers are usually work related or trying to do too many things at once, while my kids are either not cooperating or working against me (making more of a mess while I clean, etc.).  It also drives me insane that they won't so much as bat an eye at me until I am screaming my head off. 

My other issue is that sometimes when I am able to maintain patience with my kids, I will then lash out at DH and yell at him instead.

I've done a lot of the things that that the other posters have suggested - taking deep breaths and counting to 10, leaving the room for a few minutes (which usually means locking myself in the bathroom), or letting DH take over if he's there.  I also try to remind myself that they are kids, and their logic and behavior are sometimes going to conflict with my expectations.

Doing something small for myself every day can help - even if I'm not feeling overwhelmed/stressed.  Whether it's during the day at work - taking a quick walk around the building or leaving my desk for lunch (which never happens, lol).  At home in the evenings or on weekends, I try to have some quiet time for me - even if it's just being in our room for 15 minutes listening to music. Recently I've tried meditating and using essential oils.  I don't know if it works better than any other method, but I like it.

One thing I've noticed is that I've really neglected having a kind of hobby or outlet for myself.  I used to be really good at reading, running, sewing, being more social with friends, and I've found that I haven't been as committed to that over the last year or so, and I have noticed that has made a difference so I need to get back to that.

I have also thought about talking to someone and looking into anti-anxiety meds (I have anxiety related to other things too), but due to some other meds/health stuff, I have't made it a priority.  I will probably explore that route at some point in the near future.

Good luck! 

ICanSpellThornwell

Jen,

Your situation can sure be a tough one. There is an article I came across called 

Avoiding Extremes in Child Discipline.  I think it has some good information that you're looking for in how to deal with the yelling and triggers that may lead to them. There is also a good way to search for counselors in your area through a non-profit organization, which can be found here.

-ICanSpellThornwell-

lala5507

Most of the time I can keep my cool but I have my moments.  Normally, if I can feel myself on the verge, I will try to walk away or just not say anything.  It's harder during that pms time of the month.  It seems like that is when my tolerance is at 0%.  And now, while I'm pregnant, it's harder for me to keep my cool.

But honestly, some times me yelling is the only thing that can stop what is going on.  I do try to limit the yelling but I feel like some times the kids need to hear it so they realize "oh crap, she really doesn't like what we are doing". 

billiburrows

sundaygirl said:

Probably not what you want to hear but a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds has been my savior.  And I'll say up front that my yelling and rage (I did a lot of kicking and throwing things, too, before I realized something had to change) is my problem, not because my kid pushes my buttons.  I think I'd be the same way with a child who wasn't such a challenge to parent.  But the meds help me deal with everything a little more calmly (including my DH!) and it takes me much longer before my temper gets pushed to the "overreact" stage. 

i agree with this. meds have really helped take the edge off so i can let some of the smaller things go and be more calm when disciplining. 

lishie

Jen, you described me almost exactly. I keep trying to break the habit, but it's hard.

When they continue to not listen, I try to follow Daniel Tiger's advice "when things make you mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four." That's helped me.

I also use Amy's method, talking with Jackson, about why it's important to do X, and why mommy gets upset when he doesn't do X.

egpitt22

Thought of something last night---one of my major triggers is when I'm trying to get something done and they start to bicker, or do something they know they shouldn't, etc....this makes me have the yelling reaction much faster than I normally would if I was in the room with them or just relaxed and playing.  This isn't feasible for every time I'm trying to do something, but sometimes I've found that it's just easier and better for my sanity to provide them with a distraction (TV, leap pad, etc) while I am trying to do something else. 

Making dinner is the biggest culprit in our house.  I was losing my mind that every night, even if they were playing nicely beforehand, the second that i started to get dinner together it was like an invitation for them to get in trouble.  I felt guilty, like I shouldn't just turn a show on for them because I had been gone at work all day, I felt like a "bad mom" for relying on the TV to babysit them.  But....then I realized it was taking me twice as long to prepare something with the constant interruptions and me having to step in.  I pushed the guilt aside and reasoned that them watching a 20 minute show and letting me get dinner done all at once and save my sanity was much better than feeling mom guilt and not turning on the TV, only to have it take much longer to get ready and end up yelling in between. 

ryanthegirl

What you said, exactly, Emmy. I struggle with the TV all the time, too, but it seems like it's the only way I can get anything done without him getting in to trouble or whining at me incessantly. It's times like that I just want to ball my fists up and cry and desperately long to have another adult in the house. 

october2004

Thanks for the replies, ladies. Lots of good advice, and it is a relief to know I'm not alone. Some yelling is inevitable, but I'm going to try to reduce the frequency.

MaryM

I'm a yeller. I have to have more patience so I'm Glad this was posted.