DH said he's not in love with me anymore

Barbara83

DH has been a little distant lately, we haven't seen much of each other, and communication was kind of lacking so I sat down with him and asked him what was going on. Well this opened a whole can of worms and long story short he told me he loves but but isn't in love with me. He doesn't think we have anything in common, doesn't feel any passion or connection anymore, and just isn't happy. I knew things weren't great between us but I wasn't expecting to hear this. We've been together over 10 years. My first instinct was to come up with a resolution to fix our marriage. I told him he's my whole world and I want to grow old with him. He didn't say anything so I asked if he felt the same way and he stated that right now he didn't. I feel so heartbroken.
We agreed to work on trying to have fun together and spend more time together. We just bought a house a few months ago and have a 1 year old which takes up most of our time. DH also has a long commute and works a lot so we don't see each other much during the week. We went on a date that weekend and it went well, we had a good time. But since then I've been the only one putting in effort to improve things. We talked again last night because he hasn't been sleeping well so I asked what's been on his mind. He told me he appreciates all the little things I have been doing but he's just not happy and doesn't even want to try to fix things. It's like he's just checked out. He says he loves me but doesn't feel the connection between us. He doesn't know what he wants and is not sure how to fix things. I suggested he talk to his married friends about what he's feeling or even a therapist who can help him sort through his feelings. He said he's not interested in anyone else and doesn't even have time for that and I believe him. We get along fine, never argue, I treat him good, we have a house, and family. I don't understand why he feels this way and that's the hardest part. Yeah we lost some of the spark but I think we can fix things, if he's willing to try.
I thought we were just in a rut as many new parents are. I thought if we spent more time together and tried to bring the excitement back into our lives things would get better but I'm getting the feeling that he's just past that point of even caring. I also get the feeling he is depressed; his work schedule is crazy and he hardly gets any free time to himself. If he's not happy with his own life how can he be happy in other areas. I just don't know what to do. I feel so angry, sad, and empty inside like I'm losing my best friend. I want to save our marriage, especially for our daughter.
Does anyone have any kind words of advice? How do we fix things? Is counseling the best way?

puppylove2014

I would suggest counseling for sure. I just don't know how much it's going to help if he's made up his mind.

I guess if he really doesn't want to try, ask him what makes him think this isn't going to happen with the next person? Whether there is someone else in the picture or not right now, eventually there will be. Even if your relationship has run its course and can't be fixed, it's really in everyones best interest to get to them bottom of this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you luck.

magsugar13

Counseling is the only way. However if he doesnt want it to work no counseling in the world is going to help.

YOU need counseling either way. 

If a man tells you that they dont love you anymore you should believe them. Personally I would not spend 1 more min. with a  man who would tell me that. I deserve better and so do you.

BlueBirdMB

First off, I am so sorry.  It sounds like this completely caught you off guard and I can't imagine how heartbroken you must feel.

He's been extremely clear.  He isn't in love with you and he doesn't want to work on your relationship.  There isn't any other way to cut it and he's been as clear as humanly possible.

You need to go to counseling asap and start working on the next chapter of your life.  I'd call a lawyer and begin the process.

You do not deserve to be with someone who isn't even in love with you.  My parents have been married 32 years and they've had some really rough years, but through all of that, they were very sure that they were still in love with each other.  That love was the motivation to work through their issues.  

On the flip side, my husband's parents had an arranged marriage.  They were never in love and never have been in love.  They will never get a divorce because it isn't done in their culture and for them, marriage isn't about love, but they live the most miserable existence I've ever seen.  The stress of living with someone that you don't get along with has aged them well beyond their years and they are emotionally unhealthy people.  I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I personally think they should get divorced immediately and find some happiness, but it's none of my business.  It's just my personal opinion that being married to someone you don't love isn't worth the misery. 

artbyallie

Regardless of what he's saying, he's sure not acting like he loves you at all. If he did, he'd care that he's hurting your feelings with what he's saying and it doesn't seem like he cares. This apathetic kind of attitude does sound like depression IMO. He needs to talk to someone. That's non-negotiable.

joleri23

BlueBirdMB said:

On the flip side, my husband's parents had an arranged marriage.  They were never in love and never have been in love.  They will never get a divorce because it isn't done in their culture and for them, marriage isn't about love, but they live the most miserable existence I've ever seen.  The stress of living with someone that you don't get along with has aged them well beyond their years and they are emotionally unhealthy people.  I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I personally think they should get divorced immediately and find some happiness, but it's none of my business.  It's just my personal opinion that being married to someone you don't love isn't worth the misery. 

My parents didn't have an arranged marriage but it sounds just like them. I also would encourage you to seek counseling on your own. Sometimes I look at my mom and I can't believe she's spent the last 45 years of her life in a marriage that sucks. What a waste of a perfectly good life. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy.

janined22

First of all, I do believe he is acting in your best interest by being completely honest with you.  Most men just start cheating and spending a lot of time out of the household to make you leave them.  They are never up front about not feeling the same way as they did when you first met/married.  He told you he's not in love with you and does not want to work at trying so just "Let It Go".  Go to counseling for yourself and start planning out your new single life.  Worry about making yourself happy and forget about him because he's not interested anymore.

I wish you the best and I know it's hard to accept because I would be very hurt and sad but in the end would appreciate his honesty.

melpaul2005

Hi! OK I'm new to posting here, but I read your story and my heart completely breaks for you. My husband did the same thing about 8 months ago. I never saw it coming. We had been together over 11 years, married for almost 9 years at that point. Beautiful life as far as I was concerned. Both of us enjoyed each other's company, we have a beautiful 4 (now 5) year old daughter, family support, good jobs, house, etc. He said the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and when I asked if there was someone else he said no. We carried on this way for a while, me begging him to reconsider and go to counseling and him saying he would try to but "wasn't there yet". I held on to the hope that things would get better and we'd fix it (even though he, too, made it pretty clear he was done with our marriage). A few weeks later I discovered his affair with a coworker. I thought I would die. Honestly. I totally feel your pain. How could this man who loved me and promised to spend his life with me have become this person who is lying and cheating on me?!? I was in shock to say the least. It's been a rough road, but with endless hours of therapy (both professional and talking with friends and family) I can honestly say that I have no choice but to let him go. He moved out, moved the girlfriend in with him a few months later, and has lied to me every step of the way. I hope and pray for you that you have a happier ending than me. But honestly, I feel strong for saying enough is enough. For showing my daughter that it's not okay to stand for that (what her father is doing). It hurts and it sucks, but I'm not willing to stand by a man who despite his vows has no intention of making our marriage work. In time I know that it'll get easier, that I'll find love again, and it's hard and it sucks I know, but you need to find the courage to let him go so that you can focus on YOU and your happiness. He's focusing on himself, and his needs. Not the needs of you and your family. It's time for you to focus on YOU. With time (I know, it sounds so cliche!) you will feel stronger and you'll realize that maybe he wasn't perfect and maybe you romanticized the relationship a little (or a lot). Be strong, know that there are others out there going through the same thing, and know that there is life and light and happiness at the end of the tunnel. I didn't believe it either at first. But keep strong and keep faith in yourself. I wish I could send you a big hug (lol even though I don't even know you!). Put yourself and your child first. He's checked out and it's time to take care of YOU. Your goals, your happiness. Take care.