feeling underappreciated

erinfey09

Hi Nesties,

My husband has been on medical leave since Thanksgiving of last year (roughly 3 months now). For the first few weeks, he was incapacitated while doctors were experimenting with medications, dosage, testing, etc. which left me doing EVERYTHING - literally - household chores, driving to appointments, grocery shopping, making dinner runs, working full time and so on.

Lately he has been getting better, but I am still doing about 80% and honestly, I am getting so incredibly tired.
He stays home all day with our dog, watches TV, and plays games, occasionally he will go for a walk.
I know that he is capable of helping me, but every time I ask for him to help, or do me a favor (like rub my neck for a minute or run a teeny errand for me), he always asks

"What do I get for it?".... referring to sexual favors.

I admit, the spark has been a little dim lately due to my exhaustion, and when I AM up to it, he's not feeling well or is moody from the meds. Most of the time, I oblige his request, but every time I say "no", suddenly I'm the worst wife ever who has zero sex drive.

I really need help doing day-to-day things, because I am one person working for two at the moment (he is now capable but still not at work, mind you). I want to ask him for help but I feel so unappreciated for everything else that I do to take care of him when I hear  the "What are you going to do for me?"... needless to say, instant turn off. I feel like he has gotten so used to being cared for, that he just expects anything to be done by snapping his fingers.

I can see this starting to effect our relationship.

Is this normal? Am I right to feel like this? or am I overreacting?

I need help!

KSEDmini

It has taken me years to realize this, but I find that the best way to get my husband to help me around the house is to tell him exactly what I need him to do. Before, I would hope that he would get the hint or take initiative to do things around the house but that's just not him, usually. However if I say, "Babe, I've got a lot to get done. I need you help. If you could unload the dishwasher and take out the trash I would really appreciate it. Thank you." I find he's more than willing to help. Also, I've had to come to terms with the fact that the way he does things may not be 100% the way I want them done. I'm okay with that if he's put an honest effort forward. 

Sometimes the "what are you going to do for me" is just a man's boyish response to make anything an opportunity to voice his sexual agenda. If that's his case then ya it's annoying, but whatever. If he's really genuinely asking you that, then he's a douche. The answer is.."the satisfaction of knowing you have helped me and made me happy." Simple.

When my husband wants to get some and I still have 10,000 things to accomplish before 9pm, I make it clear to him that the only way he's getting any is if I have energy at the end of the evening. If he wants his needs serviced, then it's up to him to make sure I have the energy to provide the service. That's when I let him know what I need his help with.  

Honestly, it sounds like you need to sit down and point blank tell him how you feel and what you need from him. Too many times women tend to stew on what they think their husbands should perceive and then those feelings become resentment and anger and then intimacy is effected and so on. If your husband loves you, then he wants you to be happy. 

Edit: Telling him how you feel is not the same as attacking him and telling him how he has been deficient (even if he has been). 

I feel ______________

I need your help with _____________

Thank you. I love you.

erinfey09

This is extremely reassuring
You have put it all very nicely.

Thank you so much.

RosieC18

I agree with all of the above, I think you guys may just need to hit "reset" on some things as you adjust to the changes in your lives over the last few months. It's easy to get into a pattern and youbl should be proactive about shifting things so both your needs are met.

However, I think the answer to "what do I gett in return" is "the satisfaction of contributing to the running of our household as an adult and equal partner." When he does chores or errands he's not helping you, he's taking care of things he is equally responsible for in maintaining your lives. Maybe he is just joking around, but it sounds like he thinks of these things as your job, and he's doing you a favor if he pitches in, and that's simply not true. He may not be at 100% yet and that's fine, but he does need to contribute what he can.

short+sassy

RosieC18 said:

I agree with all of the above, I think you guys may just need to hit "reset" on some things as you adjust to the changes in your lives over the last few months. It's easy to get into a pattern and youbl should be proactive about shifting things so both your needs are met. However, I think the answer to "what do I gett in return" is "the satisfaction of contributing to the running of our household as an adult and equal partner." When he does chores or errands he's not helping you, he's taking care of things he is equally responsible for in maintaining your lives. Maybe he is just joking around, but it sounds like he thinks of these things as your job, and he's doing you a favor if he pitches in, and that's simply not true. He may not be at 100% yet and that's fine, but he does need to contribute what he can.

Oh my goodness, the above x10.  I sincerely hope he does not actually think he is doing you a favor by completing household chores/tasks.  That is a beyond disgusting attitude.

As for the sexual pressure, that needs to end yesterday.  Talk to him about this.  Point out how hurtful and jarring it is that his reaction to your "not being in the mood" is anger and mean comments.  It's normal for couples to have different patterns/frequency.  It is not normal to lash out at someone about it.

I had an ex b/f who complained to me once that it was always me who decided when we had sex.  I pointed out the logic that since he ALWAYS wanted sex, and sometimes I didn't, then yes, by definition, it would always be me who decided.  He started laughing as my reasoning sunk in and acknowledged I was absolutely correct. 

FirstMate06

Hi Erin,

If you've taken everyone else's advice and talked about it with him and he still doesn't seem to *get* it, maybe slowly start letting things that you ask him to do go by the wayside. That way if he doesn't take out the garbage or put the dishes in the wash or something after you've asked him to, then he'll actually see the consequences and hopefully that helps him get some perspective on all you do to keep the house clean and functioning.

One thing I noticed is that when I was sick for a few days my DH picked up a lot of slack around the house, a lot without my prompting. Maybe your hub is just used to being the one taken care of because he hasn't been 100% for medical reasons and now he's just complacent with being catered to. Next time you're sick or feel super exhausted/have a headache after work maybe try being really dependent on him to get household things done. He might be more willing to make an effort at home if he knows you're relying on him and really needing his support. Hopefully that feeling of being needed will help him spring back into action and lighten your load for the long term.

Remind him that this is a partnership and you need him to meet you halfway. Good luck!! :-)

erinfey09

FirstMate06 said:

Hi Erin,

If you've taken everyone else's advice and talked about it with him and he still doesn't seem to *get* it, maybe slowly start letting things that you ask him to do go by the wayside. That way if he doesn't take out the garbage or put the dishes in the wash or something after you've asked him to, then he'll actually see the consequences and hopefully that helps him get some perspective on all you do to keep the house clean and functioning.

One thing I noticed is that when I was sick for a few days my DH picked up a lot of slack around the house, a lot without my prompting. Maybe your hub is just used to being the one taken care of because he hasn't been 100% for medical reasons and now he's just complacent with being catered to. Next time you're sick or feel super exhausted/have a headache after work maybe try being really dependent on him to get household things done. He might be more willing to make an effort at home if he knows you're relying on him and really needing his support. Hopefully that feeling of being needed will help him spring back into action and lighten your load for the long term.

Remind him that this is a partnership and you need him to meet you halfway. Good luck!! :-)

Thank you so very much for the love!

This is more along the lines of what I have been thinking.
Good news since posting, he is much better now and the 'tude has improved! (the household bits still need some polishing).

I do often come home not feeling all to great from work so maybe I will vocalize it a little more to see what happens and kind of let him know that I am far from being Superwife.

In the past, we never really had this problem so I'm sure its a dependency thing at the moment.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and support with this and I will definitely be sticking around!