Buying A Home
NoneForUs
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Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Living in a small town?
I joined a Facebook group which focused on the new town my husband and I will be moving to. I mentioned that we were moving to save my husband his commute. A random woman saw that and it turned out that she is the receptionist at my husband's job. She told my husband about speaking to me; she knew we were married because our surname is not very common. My husband was understandably startled to hear the receptionist say that she was talking to his wife on Facebook. My husband is a private person; he asked me to please delete my post and leave the group to protect our privacy. I did so out of respect for my husband. He reminded me that we will be moving to a town of 25,000 residents, instead of being in a city of 3 million like we are used to. My husband says that everyone knows each other in that town. Since I have never lived in a city with a population of less than 300,000, a town of 25,000 seems very small to me. I realize this is all relative.
Because everyone knows each other, I am realizing that I will have to guard my reputation. I will stick out like a sore thumb because I am a black woman and the vast majority of people in that town are white. It won't help that we are an interracial couple either. We have gotten stares and outright harassment in this very multicultural city, so I am a little bit nervous about how tolerant the people in the small town will be. I used to having my anonymity because I have lived in this city for ten years.
If you live in a small town, do you enjoy it? Do you find that news travels quickly as soon as you share anything with anyone?
Re: Living in a small town?
People do know many of the other residents (not all of them), and in general form closer relationships than in a large city where you can become invisible to others.
On the plus side, people tend to help others and share the burdens as well as celebrate the highlights in others' lives.
Our community is primarily white, but all other races are represented and there is no racial strife. If you are friendly, and find a way to participate in some form of community support - you will be fine.
We have a regional hospital and a state university which bring people from around the world to live and work here.
Your attitude will be the most important thing you bring with you.
For the most part -we do not care about what you drive, what you wear or where you work. We do care about who you are as a person.(so don't gossip, do be kind, generous, and reach out)
My recommendation in general is to keep your personal business off the internet - no matter where you live.
I grew up in a "sort of" small town...30K people...but it was in So Cal., so the general feel is urban because it is town after town after town.
I definitely never knew the majority of the people who lived there, but it was small enough that I would constantly run into people I knew both within the town itself and in surrounding towns.
Heck, I haven't even lived there in 15 years, but when I go home to visit my mom, I'll still run into people I went to high school with.
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this! I'm white and have been living in the Deep South for the last 15 years. While we certainly have racial issues here (on both sides), and there are certainly strong under currents of it, it is rare I see that kind of blatant racism. At least in public, to a stranger.
I do see a lot of what you are talking about with the "you don't sound black"/"you don't act black", which in a way is almost more disturbing to me than the "screaming the n-word" kind of racist, because it really outlines the more subtle pervasiveness of racism in our culture.
I had a former co-worker who, on the surface, is attractive and charming, somewhat intelligent, and well educated. But she will proudly tell you she is racist...and then try to justify it a bit with, "Well, I don't mind black people who don't ACT black." UGH (banging my head against the wall), what does that even mean? But she is at least outwardly polite to people, regardless of race.
And that is a funny thing about being white sometimes. Like my coworker example, I'll be "included" in these conversations about "oh, those black people" or "oh, those Muslims", as if just because I'm not a member of one of those groups I'll be cool with and nodding along with whatever stereotype they are spouting. Though it is a bit fun to see the surprise when I correct their assumptions. Unfortunately, most of the time...like at a work setting...I have to be polite about it instead of ragey.
But I'll get off my soapbox now. I hope everything works out well for you @NoneForUs in your new town and your DH likes his new job. Keep us updated.
As PPs stated, there are awful people everywhere regardless of city size. Having lived in a number of different cities and states the few things I've discovered are:
1. People like genuine people. Yes, you'll always have your racists and your grouches, but for the most part, people are friendly and just really caught up in their own lives just as much as each of us is caught up in her own life. Smiles, waves, and nods of "hello" go a long way in smaller towns.
2. Be yourself, but also work to fit in. What I mean is, figure out the little "dos" and "don'ts" of your community and neighborhood. For example, if it's poor form to leave your garbage cans out all week at the front of your home, then don't do it. Just notice what the neighbors do and go with the flow on it. Things like yard maintenance and upkeep. Cleaning up after your pet (if you have one). Neighbors notice these things and they appreciate them.
3. The other thing to note is that families in small towns may go back a few generations. You may think you're speaking to the local shop owner, but he may be the cousin of the man living two doors down from you. Don't hide, but just recognize that people do know one another. Just as you chat with your family and friends, so do they. This can be a good or a bad thing. I always saw it as a good thing - networking, knowing more people and how people are interrelated means being more connected.
4. Set appropriate expectations for dining and going out. If you are accustomed to being around major night life and shopping spots with high-end dining and bars, and you go into a small town expecting it, you will be disappointed and you will offend other people. Small towns are proud of their slower, quaint, quiet ways of life. They have very warm and loving people, but be ready for a more of a "meat and potatoes" type of crowd in terms of food and dress. It isn't that they have less money than city people, necessarily, it's that they often spend their money in different ways (many times in less obvious ways) than the metropolitan people.
5. Be ready to learn about and embrace your new place. What are the local activities? Festivals? Important events?
I'm curious where you are moving to and from.
All of the above is great advice, but I especially wanted to point out the bolded sections. 15 years ago, I moved from the West Coast to the South. And, although they are both urban environments, they are VERY different cultures.
1) In CA, it is a little unusual to smile/nod/wave to people, even neighbors...definitely odd if it is a stranger on the street. However, in New Orleans, it is just the opposite. And I know I've probably offended people on that score, though not meaning to. It just isn't naturally in my nature to do those things.
In fact, I had a former neighbor who used to make a big show of saying hello to me loooonnggg and loudly if I was heading out my door to go to my car and didn't wave at him first. To be clear, we really liked each other and got along great. He didn't really do it in a mean way, but I think it was his way to let me know he was slightly offended. I even mentioned it once and said something like, "Oh, I know I'm terrible about saying hi and waving! It's just not something we did where I grew up and I'm usually so "one track mind" about wherever I'm going when I go to my car." And I did make an effort to better conform to this piece of cultural normalcy. I'm MUCH better about it then I used to be and he helped "train" me, lol.
2) Like anything else, there are some differences I like better here and some differences I like better in CA. I have always really watched myself to be really light and brief if I am making a negative comparison between NOLA and CA. And those kind of conversations will usually include positives/negatives of each. But I make sure I don't sound like, "In CALIFORNIA, we do x,y,z.....WELL, we don't do it that way in CA. WE find its better to do a,b,c."
I know if I moved to a rural area never having lived in one, I would have to be doubly cognizant of that.
IF you were moving to a small rural town in a different part of the country where you have to travel many hours to even get to a moderately large city, much less on in the millions (yet more time travel) - you would be dealing with a much larger shift in culture and lifestyle.
I now live in a "city" of ~80,000 people (which is pretty large for Canada!) and can't wait until we can buy a rural house. You have the option of going to the big city with relative ease, so you'll be fine. If you're missing home too much, you can go. If I want to go to a city with more than a million people, I have to drive for 4.5 hours.
At least if you're on the group, you can chat with locals and hear about events. In the long run, it will be easier to make friends.