Trouble in Paradise
kittychik1318
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure how to proceed (really, really long)
Background: I got married to my HS sweetheart (John) of a few years. We got our own house, where just after I lost my job (contract) but he was working so we were okay. After a couple months of no luck finding a job in my field, John started resenting that he was the only one working. So I started applying for anything. I ended up working at the shop him and his dad did. Not long after I started, the company let John go. He started getting really depressed and started drinking almost daily. He wouldn't do anything around the house but play video games, drink, and want sex (when I was off, I did nearly everything for the house). The sex became really rough and uncomfortable for me. When I would resist or try to say no, he would "assume it was just playing rough/hard to get" and just do what he wanted. We had a "come to Jesus" talk and we stopped having sex. After a couple weeks though, John started going sexual stuff to me "in his sleep." This included anal (which I have never had a desire to try or do). He would say he didn't do it or that it was in my dreams (which can be very vivid) and believed him for a while. I didn't realize that John had been emotionally and mentally abusive throughout our relationship until some time later.
When the "sexomnia" became a normal thing, we made friends with a couple of guys: Jerry and Kenny. We began hanging out every weekend with them (Kenny would spend the nights occasionally). A couple of those weekends, Kenny and I stayed up all night just talking. Eventually, I told him what was going on and that I didn't know what to do. He said that it was sexual assault and that I shouldn't keep "putting up with it" because it was completely unacceptable. I began to talk to Kenny and Jerry throughout the week, and they helped me prepare to leave (they showed me how abusive John was to me). John started getting even more mad and accused me of cheating on him with Kenny (Jerry was married with a child) and forbade us from having any kind of relationship. The abuse began to intensify in (he drove me to and from work so I couldn't do anything with anyone, took my phone and computer away, etc). I felt so stuck and helpless.
Eventually John let up and I could have my phone back in July. I began talking to Jerry and Kenny about what to do. I wanted out and didn't know what to do. John found out and became suicidal (knowing I wouldn't leave him like that). I'd return from work and not know if John would be high, drunk, dead, or whatever. On one such day in, I called Kenny and Jerry and they came over and helped me take John to the hospital (after falling down the stairs after a drunken episode). When we had all got back home (John decided to leave and made us bring him back home so I wouldn't be with the guys), my parents had showed up hearing about the fall. John and I were in the middle of a shouting match and my mother yelled at me for fighting in front of "my guests" and how rude and wrong I was.
The next week we went to stay at my parent's house (bombed our house for fleas and it didn't work). John was still high suicidal and went back to our house to check on the fleas. I had woke up early to talk to Kenny. My sisters found out I was awake and wanted to talk to Kenny as well so we had the phone on speaker. John came home and was very mad about us all talking and said he had tried to kill himself again but I "didn't care about that." We got into a fight and my sisters tried to calm us down. When we stopped yelling, one ask "What do you wanna do?" and I blurted out that I just wanted out of my marriage. John got mad and drove off in my truck (what I needed for work) saying if I wanted out, that was fine but he wasn't living without me. I called the cops and they found him crashed into a field. They took him to the hospital and after that night, he went to our local mental institute. I felt so free finally. After a week of counseling there (where I had to be a part of it), John signed himself out and disappeared for a couple of weeks.
One night in when I went to get ready for work, John was sitting in the house waiting for me. He said he was sorry, that he learned his lesson, and that he would never hurt me again as long as I take him back. I refused and he kept on begging and crying. But I when I didn't change my mind, he became enraged. John began physically assaulting me. When he was done, he took my phone (because I said I'd call the cops) and left. I ran out to my truck and began going to work (I couldn't think straight and just did it). He caught up to me and tried getting into the truck. I said I'd let him in if he gave my phone back. He threw me the phone and I took off. I hid behind a semi in a parking lot and he went towards my work. I called Kenny and told him about it. He said he'd come and get me but I couldn't stay there so I met him halfway. After that, I quit my job and moved in with Kenny and Jerry (going back and forth) and they helped me to get divorced.
The Current Issue: A little bit ago, Kenny and I started dating so I moved in with him exclusively. We just started being intimate (showering/sleeping together). The other night while we were asleep spooning, he got a hard-on and I woke up to that. It was just too close to previous issues, and I began crying. He woke up, and when he realized why I was upset, he became upset with himself. We want a relationship but our severe depression is tearing us apart (I'm having issues from my past, and he's upset with himself for hurting me) and at this point I'm not sure what to do.
Thank you if you were able to get through that and I appreciate any kind of advice y'all have for us.
When the "sexomnia" became a normal thing, we made friends with a couple of guys: Jerry and Kenny. We began hanging out every weekend with them (Kenny would spend the nights occasionally). A couple of those weekends, Kenny and I stayed up all night just talking. Eventually, I told him what was going on and that I didn't know what to do. He said that it was sexual assault and that I shouldn't keep "putting up with it" because it was completely unacceptable. I began to talk to Kenny and Jerry throughout the week, and they helped me prepare to leave (they showed me how abusive John was to me). John started getting even more mad and accused me of cheating on him with Kenny (Jerry was married with a child) and forbade us from having any kind of relationship. The abuse began to intensify in (he drove me to and from work so I couldn't do anything with anyone, took my phone and computer away, etc). I felt so stuck and helpless.
Eventually John let up and I could have my phone back in July. I began talking to Jerry and Kenny about what to do. I wanted out and didn't know what to do. John found out and became suicidal (knowing I wouldn't leave him like that). I'd return from work and not know if John would be high, drunk, dead, or whatever. On one such day in, I called Kenny and Jerry and they came over and helped me take John to the hospital (after falling down the stairs after a drunken episode). When we had all got back home (John decided to leave and made us bring him back home so I wouldn't be with the guys), my parents had showed up hearing about the fall. John and I were in the middle of a shouting match and my mother yelled at me for fighting in front of "my guests" and how rude and wrong I was.
The next week we went to stay at my parent's house (bombed our house for fleas and it didn't work). John was still high suicidal and went back to our house to check on the fleas. I had woke up early to talk to Kenny. My sisters found out I was awake and wanted to talk to Kenny as well so we had the phone on speaker. John came home and was very mad about us all talking and said he had tried to kill himself again but I "didn't care about that." We got into a fight and my sisters tried to calm us down. When we stopped yelling, one ask "What do you wanna do?" and I blurted out that I just wanted out of my marriage. John got mad and drove off in my truck (what I needed for work) saying if I wanted out, that was fine but he wasn't living without me. I called the cops and they found him crashed into a field. They took him to the hospital and after that night, he went to our local mental institute. I felt so free finally. After a week of counseling there (where I had to be a part of it), John signed himself out and disappeared for a couple of weeks.
One night in when I went to get ready for work, John was sitting in the house waiting for me. He said he was sorry, that he learned his lesson, and that he would never hurt me again as long as I take him back. I refused and he kept on begging and crying. But I when I didn't change my mind, he became enraged. John began physically assaulting me. When he was done, he took my phone (because I said I'd call the cops) and left. I ran out to my truck and began going to work (I couldn't think straight and just did it). He caught up to me and tried getting into the truck. I said I'd let him in if he gave my phone back. He threw me the phone and I took off. I hid behind a semi in a parking lot and he went towards my work. I called Kenny and told him about it. He said he'd come and get me but I couldn't stay there so I met him halfway. After that, I quit my job and moved in with Kenny and Jerry (going back and forth) and they helped me to get divorced.
The Current Issue: A little bit ago, Kenny and I started dating so I moved in with him exclusively. We just started being intimate (showering/sleeping together). The other night while we were asleep spooning, he got a hard-on and I woke up to that. It was just too close to previous issues, and I began crying. He woke up, and when he realized why I was upset, he became upset with himself. We want a relationship but our severe depression is tearing us apart (I'm having issues from my past, and he's upset with himself for hurting me) and at this point I'm not sure what to do.
Thank you if you were able to get through that and I appreciate any kind of advice y'all have for us.
Re: Not sure how to proceed (really, really long)
About Kenny waking up with a boner....hmmmm...I don't think there is much to do there but let him know that you know he wasn't trying to hurt you, but because of what happened with your ex, you need a little time to get adjusted and comfortable with your relationship. My SO wakes up with boners all the time, and has even done sexual things to me in his sleep, but nothing was forceful or made me feel uncomfortable. Hope things get better for you!
You need to see a therapist and possibly go to couples therapy.
Men often sleep and wake up in that state--- it usually has nothing to do with sex and they can't really control it.
Start working towards building trust and not holding your ex's faults and doings against your new partner.
Best of luck to you guys.