Not sure how to respond, H says i put no effort i to his birthday

c0102111

So my H's birthday was Sunday and I got him two small gifts because he's very hard to buy for and although he did like them he also mentioned that they were small. I also made him his favorite brownies but he didn't say thank you just said they were undercooked. He says I didn't put a lot of effort into his birthday and that it hurt his feelings. But I work a part-time job, am a full-time student and am supposed to do all the housework (because he works a 14-hour day job) so I was exhausted. The weekends are my days to catch up on sleep because I don't sleep well at all and have so much going on that I tend to fall asleep while doing things at home. but since school has started up again I know I've been really slacking on the house work but I do what I can with the engery I have and it's just not enough.

I've tried talking to him about it but he just says he knows what that's like because he's done it which I know is not completely true. I do feel bad that I might not have done a lot for his birthday especially since he's sending me to Japan for a study abroad program but it seems like he's using it against me, like I owe him something because he makes the money.

I'm not too sure what to even think about this because I do feel bad and I understand where he's coming from but at the same time he's not very sympathetic to what I do everyday.

janined22

I think he feels that when you truly care about someone it will come through in the gift they give you.  No matter your stressful days, work load, etc. you will make a true effort to show the person you love that you were really thinking of them when you purchased/made that gift and not that you threw what you could together at the last minute.

magsugar13

Is he 5?

Tell hiim to gtfu!

GilliC

c0102111 said:

So my H's birthday was Sunday and I got him two small gifts because he's very hard to buy for and although he did like them he also mentioned that they were small. I also made him his favorite brownies but he didn't say thank you just said they were undercooked. He says I didn't put a lot of effort into his birthday and that it hurt his feelings. But I work a part-time job, am a full-time student and am supposed to do all the housework (because he works a 14-hour day job) so I was exhausted. The weekends are my days to catch up on sleep because I don't sleep well at all and have so much going on that I tend to fall asleep while doing things at home. but since school has started up again I know I've been really slacking on the house work but I do what I can with the engery I have and it's just not enough.



I've tried talking to him about it but he just says he knows what that's like because he's done it which I know is not completely true. I do feel bad that I might not have done a lot for his birthday especially since he's sending me to Japan for a study abroad program but it seems like he's using it against me, like I owe him something because he makes the money.



I'm not too sure what to even think about this because I do feel bad and I understand where he's coming from but at the same time he's not very sympathetic to what I do everyday.

Which did you talk to him about:
- why you couldn't put in more effort?
- how you wish he had been more appreciative?
- why he was disappointed?
- what kinds of things he was expecting?

It sounds like you just talked about why you couldn't do more. If that's the case, I can see how he might feel like you were making excuses. I'm not saying you were wrong at all, but if he was expecting/hoping for more, it's quite possible that he's disappointed. Maybe he was expecting too much, maybe not. As much as we'd like to explain how we couldn't have done better given the circumstances, a lot of the time a straightforward, unqualified apology can have a lot more impact. It generally goes against my nature, but "I understand why you're disappointed, and I'm sorry," often has a far bigger impact than "I'm sorry I didn't do more, but I've been completely overwhelmed with XYZ." A lot of the time people just want to know that they've been heard and that their feelings understood.

If you feel that he was expecting too much, what kind of compromise would have worked? Discuss together what kinds of things you could do differently next time, given the same time and money constraints. It's important that you understand what he was looking for and that he understand what to expect. Otherwise you'll both end up disappointed and frustrated.

Really, you should talk about all of those points. People express and recognize affection in different ways, so perhaps this is a bigger deal to him than it is to you. If that's the case, it may be very difficult for you to understand where he's coming from, and vice versa. (Have you two ever taken the Five Love Languages quiz?)

catsareniice1

I agree with magsugar13. He sounds immature. What does he do for your birthday?

kelshaws1311

How do you normally celebrate birthdays? If you have made big deals  for birthdays in the past then I could see how he might have been disappointed because he had grown to expect those things.