She doesn't like dick

wonrent

or at least not mine.  Sorry for the crass subject line, but I'm pretty much at a loss here and need some advice.  

Some background:  We've been married for nine years (together for ten) with two kids that she stays at home with.  Sex was great when we dated, as it is for everyone.  We had it all the time, public places, etc.  Things obviously got tougher when we got married and started living life.  Kids complicated things too, but I knew that was part of the deal.  We weren't 21 anymore and I was ok with that.  I wanted sex more than her, but I was ok that it didn't happen as much as I wanted.  She was still an active participant when we did make love and made an effort to wear lingerie, watch porn together, use toys, etc.  

Things have really changed in the past year, and in the past six months in particular.  Her lack of interest in sex has led to multiple knock down, drag out fights between us.  She claims that she's tired and can't get in the mood.  If I didn't bring it up, I don't think we'd ever even talk about it.  She never initiates but I know that I am to blame to some extent too.  I am not as romantic as I used to be because I resent her when we argue about sex and that's not something I'm proud of.  I'm not trying to lay the blame solely at her feet, I understand that I bear some responsibility as well.    

Now back to my subject line.  In the past few months, when we have been together, she more or less makes an active effort not to touch me.  I got oral to completion once in 2014.  And yes, she is taken care of orally almost every time we make love.  She makes no effort on foreplay with me.  If I go down on her and she cums, she'll just roll over and ask if I want to make love to her.  No oral for me, no handjob, nothing.  I basically feel like I am a human dildo for her.  She likes when it's inside of her, but that's pretty much it.  

I'm at the point where I am going crazy.  I have tried to tell her that she can be honest with me and say that she's not as attracted to me, but she always denies that.  And then there's this, she has always said that she's wanted to be with another woman, even back when we were in college.  She's always been very touchy with other girls when she has a couple of drinks, and when we were making love about a year ago, she asked me if I wanted to watch her with another girl.  I mean, I'm seriously at the point where I am wondering if my wife is bi or a closet lesbian.  It would certainly explain why she doesn't like touching or playing with me.  And even if that were true, I would be supportive of her.  I want her to be happy and not feel like she is living a lie, but I don't know if she would ever admit it.  She comes from a very religious family and I think she's scared.  I also do think she loves me and doesn't want to feel like she is going to ruin the life that we have built.

Sorry, I know this is sort of rambling, but I am trying to get all these thoughts and feelings that I'm having out.  I know I should be talking to her about this, but at least wanted to hear what others might have to say.  

Thanks.

oldbugle

The big problem with sites such as this one is that you only get one side of the stories.   In this case we can't really know what she is actually thinking or what has 'gone wrong' but there are some phrases that jump out when one reads your post.

A big part is that you are "not as romantic" as you could be.....it is vital that you are tender with her and push your (understandable) anger to the back of your mind.

From what you have posted it does indeed look like she has at least a 'bi' need.   My impression when rreading your words are that she has met or knows a woman that she would like to be intimate with (perhaps she already is and is feeling guilt).....   Asking you if you would like to watch sounds like her 'dummy running' things in her mind as well as sounding you out.

Perhaps a way forward is to (very gently) coax her to talk about this possible sde of her character in a fully supportive attitude...that means lots of listening with encouraging noises, but NOT making comments or getting upset etc.....and definately NOT asking for admition or answers.    You ned to get over to her that you are adult enough and 'evolved' enough to consider all types of sexuality without judgement or personal fears.

If it seems that she IS drawn to a female sensuality (becasue that's what we are talking about), then you might be able to incorporate this into your joint sex life.    It will be hard for you but you should be kind to her and very encouraging.   Even if she has someone in mind she may still have huge doubts about all teh pros and cons of taking things further...this is where you can be not only her male lover but her friend.

It might be possible to make discrete contact with a female sex worker who could spend some time with her while you are there....that way you might both feel more comfortable before taking thigns further with her female friend and it would enable your wife to sort out her feelings in a safe situation.   If you do this take things slowly and don't make any attempts to join in or get physically involved, this would be just for her with you 'holding her hand' for support!

The only way forward with this is for you to win her complete confidence such that she will communicate with you without fear....Good Luck!

wonrent

I really, really appreciate this response.  She's talked about how much she would love the feel of another woman's breasts on her and things of that nature, so she's been pretty specific about what turns her on about the idea of being with another woman.  I'm also pretty sure that I have caught her checking other women out in the past.  We've had some more specific discussions about it, but inevitably she'll just say that it's a fantasy.  

I really want to be supportive for her and help her understand that her happiness is paramount for me.  If this is the way she feels, she should feel comfortable to act on it and if she wants me to be part of it in any way that I can, then I am 100% in.  

I think she's nervous about what it would do to her relationship with the other woman if it were a friend.  I have started thinking about trying to make a connection with someone for her, but ultimately feel guilty about doing anything behind her back.

I also can't bring myself to ask her flat out if she is more attracted to women.  

oldbugle

....It might be a good idea to NOT ask her "flat out"....why not be a bit more circumspect and gently talk to her about 'her fantasy'.     She sounds VERY unsure of herself and lacking in confidence...it might be possible for you to take over her confidence fr her until you have both sorted things out a bit more.........

wonrent

I think the flat out comes from my desire to just want to know the truth.  I agree that might not be the best course of action.  

I think she is unsure and has an inner struggle about this.  As I said, I think she does love me and tells me how important I am to her, but I can tell that there is something else there.  I want her to feel like she can be open and honest.  

oldbugle

I can well understand that you want to know the truth,....any normal man would!     BUT,..it's VITAL that you go slow and gentle and don't make any judgements....she may try to demand that you make a judgement about this new direction but you MUST be kind and sensible when she does!

.....if you are patient and supportive she will eventually tell you who she is attracted to,..it might be the woman next door or a work colleague.....

NoneForUs

You mentioned that you aren't romantic...why not take your wife out on a date? Arrange childcare for the kids, make the reservations and tell her you are taking her out. Better yet, make plans for a weekend away. Buy something sexy for your wife to wear and tell her that you want to see her in it. 

wonrent

I've tried those things with mixed results.  We try to go out at least once a month, and sometimes there is sex and sometimes not.  

We haven't been away together in awhile, but we did travel for my birthday a couple of years ago and stayed in a romantic bed and breakfast.  She wouldn't sleep with me when we checked in to the room because she wanted a nap and had only one other awkward encounter the rest of the trip where I felt like I was begging. 

Oh, and my actual birthday was a couple of days later and when I hinted at it she told me that we had done it twice the past weekend when we were away and that should have been enough.  

Hearing something like that does wonders for your self esteem.

NoneForUs

Some women get married to have the picture perfect life. Their husbands are nothing more than sperm donors and wallets. I'm sorry to say that I am getting this vibe from your wife. 

Do you help with the kids? Has she seen a doctor? Have the two of you seen a counselor? 

If you do not help with the children, start stepping up your game as a father. I often hear wives complain that their husbands do very little around the house or with the children. The women get tired and resentful, which leads to less fun in the bedroom. 

Your wife may have a hormone imbalance or she could be depressed. A visit to the doctor could help rule out those conditions and others I haven't thought of. 

Finally, the two of you need to see a counselor about this issue. Be gently honest with your wife about the need for sex in a marriage. Let her know that you cannot be happy with her if sex is not going to be a part of your union. Put your foot down. I bet 1M that your wife would change her tune if she knew that you would end your marriage over this issue. She could also have less confidence in her body after having kids and if that issue comes out in counseling, spend time letting your wife know how beautiful she is. 

Some people might say that sex isn't important enough to divorce over but I disagree with that wholeheartedly. Sex is what makes a marriage different from a friendly roommate situation. It strengthens your bond. 

wonrent

I sure feel like I help out and pull my weight with the kids. I clean, I cook, I encourage her to take a night to herself every now and then.

She has said that she thinks she has adrenal fatigue and is going to see a doctor about it, but I feel like she's just used that as an excuse over the last month or so. She expects me to understand, but seems unwilling to care about my needs.

This weekend is a perfect example of what drives me crazy. I told her on Thursday that I wanted her to tell me a sexual fantasy and I would help her live it out this weekend. She initially said ok, but she hasn't told me what it is, she just keeps saying I don't know.

How can a married woman who is really and truly attracted to her husband not be able to tell him something she fantasizes about? Because it doesn't involve me?

NoneForUs

wonrent said:

I sure feel like I help out and pull my weight with the kids. I clean, I cook, I encourage her to take a night to herself every now and then.

She has said that she thinks she has adrenal fatigue and is going to see a doctor about it, but I feel like she's just used that as an excuse over the last month or so. She expects me to understand, but seems unwilling to care about my needs.

This weekend is a perfect example of what drives me crazy. I told her on Thursday that I wanted her to tell me a sexual fantasy and I would help her live it out this weekend. She initially said ok, but she hasn't told me what it is, she just keeps saying I don't know.

How can a married woman who is really and truly attracted to her husband not be able to tell him something she fantasizes about? Because it doesn't involve me?

Some women are shy about sharing their fantasies. It doesn't mean she isn't attracted to you. 

Don't let your wife off the hook when it comes to seeing a doctor. 

You have to be willing to stand up for your sex life and your marriage. Your wife is comfortable because she knows you'll stay no matter what she does. Be firm yet calm about what is tolerable in your marriage. 

Go for a long drive alone with your wife and initiate this conversation. Tell her that you love her and you want to enjoy a satisfying sex life. Insist that your wife see the doctor and then go into marriage counseling with you. Let her know the consequences of doing nothing to solve this problem. Only you can decide what the consequences are.

I believe that spouses have an obligation to work on any issues that are hurting the marriage. Your wife needs to see a doctor to rule out any physical causes and then perhaps a therapist. Sex is an important part of marriage and nobody gets married to celibate. 

Dovely3

Why not try something to increase libido like essential oils? You could make it fun. Make a massage oil out of it and give her a massage. I know you feel like it's one sided right now and she should be the one giving you the massage, but if you find something that really gets her it could help. It could also be depression or mood issues. How old is your youngest?

TarponMonoxide

wonrent said:

or at least not mine.  Sorry for the crass subject line, but I'm pretty much at a loss here and need some advice.  

Some background:  We've been married for nine years (together for ten) with two kids that she stays at home with.  Sex was great when we dated, as it is for everyone.  We had it all the time, public places, etc.  Things obviously got tougher when we got married and started living life.  Kids complicated things too, but I knew that was part of the deal.  We weren't 21 anymore and I was ok with that.  I wanted sex more than her, but I was ok that it didn't happen as much as I wanted.  She was still an active participant when we did make love and made an effort to wear lingerie, watch porn together, use toys, etc.  

Things have really changed in the past year, and in the past six months in particular.  Her lack of interest in sex has led to multiple knock down, drag out fights between us.  She claims that she's tired and can't get in the mood.  If I didn't bring it up, I don't think we'd ever even talk about it.  She never initiates but I know that I am to blame to some extent too.  I am not as romantic as I used to be because I resent her when we argue about sex and that's not something I'm proud of.  I'm not trying to lay the blame solely at her feet, I understand that I bear some responsibility as well.    

Now back to my subject line.  In the past few months, when we have been together, she more or less makes an active effort not to touch me.  I got oral to completion once in 2014.  And yes, she is taken care of orally almost every time we make love.  She makes no effort on foreplay with me.  If I go down on her and she cums, she'll just roll over and ask if I want to make love to her.  No oral for me, no handjob, nothing.  I basically feel like I am a human dildo for her.  She likes when it's inside of her, but that's pretty much it.  

I'm at the point where I am going crazy.  I have tried to tell her that she can be honest with me and say that she's not as attracted to me, but she always denies that.  And then there's this, she has always said that she's wanted to be with another woman, even back when we were in college.  She's always been very touchy with other girls when she has a couple of drinks, and when we were making love about a year ago, she asked me if I wanted to watch her with another girl.  I mean, I'm seriously at the point where I am wondering if my wife is bi or a closet lesbian.  It would certainly explain why she doesn't like touching or playing with me.  And even if that were true, I would be supportive of her.  I want her to be happy and not feel like she is living a lie, but I don't know if she would ever admit it.  She comes from a very religious family and I think she's scared.  I also do think she loves me and doesn't want to feel like she is going to ruin the life that we have built.

Sorry, I know this is sort of rambling, but I am trying to get all these thoughts and feelings that I'm having out.  I know I should be talking to her about this, but at least wanted to hear what others might have to say.  

Thanks.

I see a couple of things here:

1) NO communication is the first problem I see. Have you ever discussed your sex life with her, in a setting outside of the bedroom??? I suggest you start NOW.

Her "problem" can be anything: boredom, not thinking she is physically attractive enough, perhaps a hormonal problem, she's tired all day from taking care of the kids and/or working at her job.

TALK to her.

And do it tomorrow.

2-) she's got a lot of issues with being physical -- I am guessing that she was not always like this, according to your post.

Your object:

She needs to be able to communicate with you and vice versa. She owes it to you to be honest.

I don't know if she's simply shut the bedroom door, doesn't like having sex with you anymore, body issue problems or if she might indeed be a lesbian or at the best, bi --- but she owes it to you to be honest.

She also owes it to you to be sure you are sexually satisfied. Same as you are supposed to do the same for her.

She has to talk to you, and openly.

If she won't, she's the problem, more or less. I can suggest a sex therapist --- I would make the survival of your marriage contingent upon her attending -- but here is the thing:

If she does not attend with you eagerly and willingly, it's all for naught.

You did not marry to attain a roommate that is stuck in 1915 somewhere.

She has to start anteing up in the bedroom -- if she doesn't she can let you have the option of an open marriage or you can simply say goodbye and go your separate ways.

Get a solution and resolution to this problem..gl...

wonrent

Well, I guess I can give a little bit of an update and I do want to thank all of you for your kind words and advice.  

We did have some pretty serious discussions about things and quite frankly it didn't really go the way I wanted them to.  She continues to say that she does like sex and is attracted to me, but is just too tired and is only ever in the mood when I am not around.  I brought up the idea of me coming home when our oldest is in school and the younger is asleep, but she simply balks at it.  

She has been to a doctor to treat her adrenal fatigue and was tested for food allergies.  She is working on these things, but nothing in our sex life has seemed to change.  I would say in the last few months, we have only had two encounters that weren't what I would call robotic.  I cannot bring myself to flat out ask her if she is bi or a lesbian because I don't want to be wrong.  

Bottom line is that I still feel stuck.  She claims that she understands my needs, but seems unwilling to commit to making a change.  I know that many of you will claim that I am a typical horny married guy, but I truly feel like this goes deeper.  I am unhappy and more than that, I am sad and hurt.  She says she cares, but doesn't want to make a change.  

Where do I go from here?

wonrent

Oh and last weekend, I told her that I wanted to tie her up, which she was all for.  She seemed to really get off on it and came very quickly from oral and fingering, she was also very wet.  However, when she was done, it was like she just wanted me to fuck her and cum as quick as I could.  I wanted to be tied up and teased and played with, but that wasn't in the cards I guess.  She doesn't seem willing to reciprocate which is also very frustrating.  

BlueBirdMB

I think you have unrealistic expectations at this point.  You say she isn't trying, but she obviously is.  She went to a doctor to figure out why she has such severe fatigue.  I can tell you from experience that when I've struggled with sleep issues, I simply wasn't in the mood.  That didn't mean I wasn't attracted to my husband.  It took a lot of work and much trial and error to figure out my issues, and that may be the case for your wife.

So you do have sex obviously.  But the sex isn't up to your standards because she's too "robotic"?  How is this her fault when she says she is struggling with a physical problem and attempting to satisfy YOUR needs.  Stop being a selfish prick.

Light bondage sounds pretty un-robotic to me.  You were both into it obviously.  She orgasmed and it's not unusual for a woman to want to have intercourse after orgasming from oral sex.  You didn't communicate that you wanted her to tie you up.  Yet you expected her to read your mind.

Grow up, stop blaming her for all of your sexual problems when she is obviously trying, and get some help for yourself.  Maybe you can figure out why you continue to insist that the women who has sex with you regularly is a lesbian, instead of working to communicate sexually better.  Also, get some realistic expectations.  Women aren't robots who can read your mind and satisfy your every fantasy all the time.  We are people with physical ailments and emotional baggage and honestly, often have better things to concentrate our energy on than trying to be less robotic in bed with our husbands who don't seem to know what they want.

If my husband was such a insensitive ass who could only focus on sex instead of my well being, I'd leave him.  

aboxofchocolates

I have to agree with what is being said on here.  It definitely sounds like she is trying to improve your sex life and I really hope that you have told her how much you appreciate her effort.  Sometimes people are just tired.  It is pretty crazy to me that you want to ask her if she is a lesbian. Have you tried to be more romantic.  Buy her flowers randomly, tell her she looks beautiful, maybe just surprise her by cleaning up the house while she is gone.  (I find that very thoughtful)