Don't Want To be Touched Sometimes-TMI

NoneForUs

My husband and I have a passionate sex life and we are both affectionate people. That said, my husband is slightly more affectionate than me and it is causing some minor issues. While I enjoy being touched by my husband, there are times that I just want to keep my body for myself. He has this habit of pouncing on me so that he can kiss and squeeze my breasts. I enjoy that but I often feel ticklish and overstimulated before he is done. 

I had an MRI yesterday and I hate them because I am claustrophic and the machine is LOUD. The radiologist gives me a couple of anti anxiety pills to sedate me. I always feel a bit unsettled after an MRI and today I just want to be alone. My husband tried to get me into bed and I gently declined. My husband wanted to take a shower with me and then make love a couple of hours ago. I kindly and politely declined his offer because I feel skittish just now. I can tell that my husband is understandably hurt but he is too much of a gentleman to push the issue. He's gone for a walk and I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

I rarely refuse to have sex with my husband because I have a high sex drive. He says that I am an affectionate woman but I can be a little cold at times. I don't think I am cold at all. We walk hand in hand wherever we go and we are always kissing. 

How can I handle the times when I don't want to be touched without hurting my husband's feelings? 

oldbugle

...To take your last para first;.......the only way to nt hurt his feelings is communication.....ie, you have to explain to him (and he needs to understand) that he is NOT being rejected as your lover and partner when you are unable to respond to him, for whatever reason......

.....However, you both need to look at exactly what that 'reason' is!

I can't help but feel that there is more going on here than you have posted, o rperhaps realise.

Why do you have to have frequent MRI scans?...Is your husband sypathetic to your feelings about them?.....If he does know how much they disturb you why did he expect you to respond to his advances on the same day?

....Why is your board name 'noneforus'..?  None 'what' for us?....children?

NoneForUs

oldbugle said:

...To take your last para first;.......the only way to nt hurt his feelings is communication.....ie, you have to explain to him (and he needs to understand) that he is NOT being rejected as your lover and partner when you are unable to respond to him, for whatever reason......

.....However, you both need to look at exactly what that 'reason' is!

I can't help but feel that there is more going on here than you have posted, o rperhaps realise.

Why do you have to have frequent MRI scans?...Is your husband sypathetic to your feelings about them?.....If he does know how much they disturb you why did he expect you to respond to his advances on the same day?

....Why is your board name 'noneforus'..?  None 'what' for us?....children?

I had a large yet benign tumor in my liver which was causing extreme pain. It had to be burnt out of my liver. My radiologist saw another tumor and he wanted a closer look.

 I'm crying as I write this; I have my MRIs at a hospital known for treating cancer patients. It is scary. I cried this morning in the car and my husband told me he is scared too. My husband knows how the MRIs affect me but I've never not wanted to be intimate because of one before. I think he just wanted to feel close to me after the MRI and seeing me cry. My husband held my hand in the car and we cuddle when we got home while I slept off the sedatives. 

I don't know what to say except I feel very close with my husband. Maybe thinking about my health and undergoing an uncomfortable procedure was just too much for me today.  

BlueBirdMB

I think it is 100% normal to not want to have sex after having a traumatic experience.  Going for an MRI to check for cancer is traumatic.  I honestly can't understand why he would repeatedly try to initiate sex immediately following this experience, but if he did, one decline should have been enough for him to back off.  And he shouldn't be hurt.  If he really understood how you were feeling, there would be nothing to be hurt about.

My husband and I both initiate sex and both decline if we aren't feeling up to it.  We've never felt hurt at being rejected.  It isn't that we don't find each other attractive, it's just that we're not wind up dolls- we are people with feelings.

NoneForUs

Sorry that I just saw this now. 

I have had more than one MRI and it never made me not want to be be touched. I find that when I go through a traumatic experience, I feel numb while it is happening. I have never enjoyed good health and I have also been through a lot a painful experiences which were worse than an MRI

I didn't communicate to my husband how I was feeling. I just said no. Maybe if I told my husband how I felt, he would not have approached me for sex in the first place. 

BlueBirdMB

It's all about communication! 

DawnSerra

Hi there!

First of all, it is really really OK that you don't want to be touched sometimes. It's your body and your feelings are valid and important.

I've been recommending this book a ton in the forums, but it's such an AWESOME book. Check out Dr. Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are". It talks all about desire, arousal, and how our bodies sometimes like stuff and sometimes don't, and the actual science behind it. It's very empowering.

As for speaking with your husband, it might help to have a talk with him outlining your feelings when you're in a neutral space (not when he's approaching you). 

Also, could you offer some alternatives in those moments like "Honey, I don't feel like being touched right now, but it's important to me that you feel good. Would you like me to watch you pleasure yourself? Or would you like some alone time so that you can fantasize and have fun so you still have a chance to enjoy yourself tonight?"

It's important to set boundaries and to ask for those boundaries to be respected. It can be liberating, as well, to ask for non-sexual touching. "Honey, I feel uncomfortable having sex right now, but I'd love to connect with you. Would you enjoy giving me a massage or can I give you one?"

I hope some of that helps. Good luck!

NoneForUs

DawnSerra said:

Hi there!

First of all, it is really really OK that you don't want to be touched sometimes. It's your body and your feelings are valid and important.

I've been recommending this book a ton in the forums, but it's such an AWESOME book. Check out Dr. Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are". It talks all about desire, arousal, and how our bodies sometimes like stuff and sometimes don't, and the actual science behind it. It's very empowering.

As for speaking with your husband, it might help to have a talk with him outlining your feelings when you're in a neutral space (not when he's approaching you). 

Also, could you offer some alternatives in those moments like "Honey, I don't feel like being touched right now, but it's important to me that you feel good. Would you like me to watch you pleasure yourself? Or would you like some alone time so that you can fantasize and have fun so you still have a chance to enjoy yourself tonight?"

It's important to set boundaries and to ask for those boundaries to be respected. It can be liberating, as well, to ask for non-sexual touching. "Honey, I feel uncomfortable having sex right now, but I'd love to connect with you. Would you enjoy giving me a massage or can I give you one?"

I hope some of that helps. Good luck!

Thanks for the information and book recommendation. 

There are times where I find my husband's affection excessive. At times, he reminds me of a toddler who is besotted with me; little kids will smother someone they love with kisses and tight hugs. 

I don't enjoy watching a man pleasuring himself as I view masturbation as a private thing. I know my husband would decline if I offered him alone time to fantasize; he would certainly reply that he prefers his wife over fantasies. 

DawnSerra

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT: "There are times where I find my husband's affection excessive. At times, he reminds me of a toddler who is besotted with me; little kids will smother someone they love with kisses and tight hugs."

Instead of Emily's book, if that's the case, you may want to check out Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity".

I'm actually working on a piece right now about intimacy versus eroticism, which is what "Mating in Captivity" is all about.

Perel is a long-time sex therapist, and she says that intimacy and eroticism exist on a spectrum with intimacy being at one end and eroticism being at the other.

If you have too much intimacy/closeness/togetherness you move too far away from eroticism. Conversely, if you have too much risk/danger/thrill you lose trust and stability and closeless.

Most couples struggle with having too much intimacy/closeness. It's that smothered feeling of wanting your own space and not wanting to be touched again because you haven't really had a chance to breathe since the last time.

Introducing more space, doing more things on your own as individuals, can do wonders for desire and eroticism because you have some mystery, some space, some new things to talk about - a chance to miss each other!

It's like a fire - too much wood and too little oxygen extinguishes the flame. Too much wood and too much oxygen and the fire burns out of control. The trick is finding that nice balance of enough oxygen and enough wood to have a hot, enjoyable fire.

Good luck to you!

NoneForUs

I think that my husband would do well to see his friends more often. I have a very active social life outside of my marriage while my husband just mopes at home when I see my girlfriends. When I tell my husband that I feel smothered, he gets offended and says that he only wants to hold his wife.

It used to be that he was the cold one while I was more affectionate and effusive. Now the tables have turned. I'm sure that is partly because I feel that I need to protect myself from being hurt again. My husband is wonderful to me now but he wasn't always this kind and caring. In fact, he was a right prick in the past and I tolerated it because I knew my husband didn't think he deserved love. 

With all that being said, we still manage to have a wonderful sex life. My husband is the best lover I have ever had, which means a lot because I am very experienced sexually. 

AnxiousButAwesome

I have this exact problem! (well, without the MRIs. I feel for you there).  I'm not a physical person at all. I understand what you're saying about having a conversation, but my husband is very sensitive. Sometimes he specifically says he doesn't believe me if I tell him that I can't put a finger on what's wrong (sometimes I feel anxious for no reason) or that I'm happy with the way he looks.  There isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't grope me, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. One time, I got really turned on by a simple massage and he said he didn't understand why. 

NoneForUs

@AnxiousButAwesome My heart goes out to you for your anxiety. I have similar issues. 

Thankfully, I don't have to have MRIs anymore. 

I think that when our husbands are sensitive to rejection, it makes a huge difference to reassure them when they feel insecure. 

spockforprez

Hey, OP. I know this is a really old topic but I can see in your profile you are still active. Just wanted to touch on (ha!) the overstimulation of breasts thing... I am the same way. I have a high sex drive too so I have to explain to my partner that certain things outside of context are not pleasurable. Coming up while I am cooking, or whatever, and pinching or stimulating my nipples is uncomfortable... actually it just HURTS and also tickles. I have had to ask him not to do it, and remind him a few times over the years. In bed, please pinch my nipples all you like, lol! Out of context, it hurts and makes me unhappy. So, you are not alone or weird and if you haven't already since this post, I would just try to explain to your H (during a time when you are not naked, before/after sex, or otherwise in a vulnerable position) about how it makes you feel.

Oh, also, one other thing I have told my FH... if a slow ramp-up is made then yes, touching while not in bed can be sexy. For example, if he comes up behind me while cooking and kisses my neck, hugging me, whispering in ear, grabbing ass, etc. then I can get turned on quickly. Then it does not hurt or tickle if he touches my nipples. This has led to some interesting quickie activities at times, though, so may not always be convenient! 

NoneForUs

spockforprez said:

Hey, OP. I know this is a really old topic but I can see in your profile you are still active. Just wanted to touch on (ha!) the overstimulation of breasts thing... I am the same way. I have a high sex drive too so I have to explain to my partner that certain things outside of context are not pleasurable. Coming up while I am cooking, or whatever, and pinching or stimulating my nipples is uncomfortable... actually it just HURTS and also tickles. I have had to ask him not to do it, and remind him a few times over the years. In bed, please pinch my nipples all you like, lol! Out of context, it hurts and makes me unhappy. So, you are not alone or weird and if you haven't already since this post, I would just try to explain to your H (during a time when you are not naked, before/after sex, or otherwise in a vulnerable position) about how it makes you feel.

Oh, also, one other thing I have told my FH... if a slow ramp-up is made then yes, touching while not in bed can be sexy. For example, if he comes up behind me while cooking and kisses my neck, hugging me, whispering in ear, grabbing ass, etc. then I can get turned on quickly. Then it does not hurt or tickle if he touches my nipples. This has led to some interesting quickie activities at times, though, so may not always be convenient! 

Thanks for the post! Sorry that I just saw this now. I don't post here very often because I notice that this forum gets few visitors. 

My sex drive has changed dramatically since I have decided to live a healthier lifestyle. I no longer crave sex often the way I used to and I hardly masturbate. I guess it was the weed that I smoked all the time in the past which made me want sex all the time. My husband has been very understanding and caring as usual.