Husband Has No Motivation

jls5121

So recently (about two months ago really), my husband's company went out of business, leaving him without a job. He's been unemployed now since January 12th, and has yet to apply for a single job of his own free will. I find job listings for him, I remind him to apply to them, I help him revise his resumes and cover letters, I tell him to follow up, I do all of it. He wouldn't have even called unemployment if I hadn't asked him to do so, and even then, it took him a full week from the date I asked him, and several reminders, to even take that step in the first place.

I pay all the bills (using our combined funds), so he never has to see what goes out and what comes in, but I don't know how to get it through to him that we can't live on his unemployment payments forever (especially since we haven't received any yet, but that's another story for another day) - he seems completely unaware that he needs to be applying for jobs and taking care of this! It affects our whole family, and I'm at a complete loss. Without nagging him every day and making MYSELF miserable in the process, how can I communicate to my husband that he needs to step up and handle this?! He hasn't applied to a single job in the past week - because I haven't mentioned it and wanted to see if he'd do anything himself. I don't want to keep mothering him, but it's crunch time, and I thought I'd married a man that would be an asset in hard times - not another worry.

VOR

Could he be depressed?  Maybe you need to talk to him about that and perhaps insist he see a therapist.

He's an adult.  He lost his job.  There isn't anything to be 'aware' of past that, TBH. He shouldn't need to see what's going out and coming in to know that he needs to be a productive member of the household.

And unemployment is going to require proof that he's looking for a job.  So- you may lose that $$ even sooner if he can't provide that.

englishtrish1

Did he get any kind of severance package?
Do you work and make big bucks?
If the answer to these questions is no, then he must understand he doesn't have the luxury of not actively looking for a job. He does get to mourn his job loss and life change but not to the to the exclusion of stepping up

BlueBirdMB

englishtrish1 said:

Did he get any kind of severance package?
Do you work and make big bucks?
If the answer to these questions is no, then he must understand he doesn't have the luxury of not actively looking for a job. He does get to mourn his job loss and life change but not to the to the exclusion of stepping up

Exactly.  He understands and realizes his predicate, he is simply ignoring because it's easier than dealing with reality.  

You can't let him do this.  I'm assuming you need the income so you need to make sure he steps up, acts like an adult regardless of his ego, and actively (like every single day) looks for another job.

GilliC

So recently (about two months ago really), my husband's company went out of business, leaving him without a job. He's been unemployed now since January 12th, and has yet to apply for a single job of his own free will. I find job listings for him, I remind him to apply to them, I help him revise his resumes and cover letters, I tell him to follow up, I do all of it. He wouldn't have even called unemployment if I hadn't asked him to do so, and even then, it took him a full week from the date I asked him, and several reminders, to even take that step in the first place.

I pay all the bills (using our combined funds), so he never has to see what goes out and what comes in, but I don't know how to get it through to him that we can't live on his unemployment payments forever (especially since we haven't received any yet, but that's another story for another day) - he seems completely unaware that he needs to be applying for jobs and taking care of this! It affects our whole family, and I'm at a complete loss. Without nagging him every day and making MYSELF miserable in the process, how can I communicate to my husband that he needs to step up and handle this?! He hasn't applied to a single job in the past week - because I haven't mentioned it and wanted to see if he'd do anything himself. I don't want to keep mothering him, but it's crunch time, and I thought I'd married a man that would be an asset in hard times - not another worry.

While it's probably obvious that the current situation is not a long-term solution, maybe it would help both of you if you sat down and mapped out just how far the current finances will take you. Perhaps knowing the timeline might increase his motivation. Personally, I'm a terrible procrastinator, but if I know I have a deadline, it lights a fire under me to get things done in time.

phillywife2007

  I can totally relate to your frustration, like you i handle the finances and i think you need to give your husband a visual of your budget/bills to give him a wake up call, maybe draw up some future calculations to show him the severity of the situation. The economy has definitely improved, so if he puts in the effort I'm sure he could be back on his feet in no time. Try to come across in a positive, no blame way and I hope he's receptive !

Joshley1827

I'm definitely with the first reply on this one, he is probably depressed, and he may not even recognize it. Definitely get him to see a doctor or psychiatrist, therapist anyone. Seriously. I had an ex that this happened with, where he lost his job and ended up losing a second job and he went into a deep depression. I didn't realize it at the time cause when I was around, he acted happy; the fact though was that he wasn't fully himself and was unmotivated and sleeping a lot and even way less social than usual. I see it all now but back then I had no idea. I really urge you to seek help for him, my situation ended horribly and I don't wish for anyone to have to go through what I did. So please please get him help!  

 

If he has gotten a job now and is feeling better, that is great. I'd still recommend seeking help though because depression is not something that just completely goes away.  

You are doing everything and more that you need to do and I know this is a whole lot more to put on your plate but I promise you this part is most important, its his health, and his life.  I really hope that y'all are able to get to a better place together with all of this!