Married Life
gobblersknob
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband "doesn't care" if I wear a wedding ring, I'm very hurt
in Married Life
So I recently broke my beautiful wedding ring by accident at work. The diamond came out of its setting and had to be repaired. I love wearing my ring all the time but I refuse to wear it at work now because i don't want to damage it again and possibly lose the diamond. So I asked my hubby for a simple everyday band for our first anniversary and he said no. He doesn't want spend a lot of money on gifts but a band should cost around $50-100 which we can easily afford so I don't see the problem. Besides that it's our first wedding anniversary which is important to me.
We ended up having a huge fight over this. I told him I'm not gonna wear my ring to work so I don't damage it again. I asked him if it bothered him if I don't wear a ring and he said he didn't care, I could do whatever I want! I feel like it's not important to him that I wear a ring. It's a very important symbol to me so it hurts my feelings that he doesn't care if I wear a ring or not.
I am normally not a person who cares about jewelry or gifts but it's important to me that we both wear our wedding rings. I can't wear mine at work but I want to wear something. I am very hurt and angry over this and worry that it's going to ruin our anniversary next month. If he tries to make up for this by getting a ring or any gift I'm going to be very upset. If he gives me a ring I'll feel like I had to force him to get one. If he gets any gifts for me I'm going to be angry because he said he didn't want to spend money on gifts.
I am so angry and hurt by this whole incident. I apologized and we made up after the fight but I just did that so we could get past this. The problem is nothing is really resolved. I just swallowed my feelings to try to make up with my husband and he knows this.
Somebody please tell me they understand how I feel. Any advice?
Re: Husband "doesn't care" if I wear a wedding ring, I'm very hurt
The fact that your DH won't get you a ring when it's important to YOU is pretty sucky. It's about respect- it's important to you so it should matter to your DH.
But that respect goes both ways. Your DH doesn't put as much weight on a ring. You need to respect that. This is who he is - you can't force him to place the same level of importance on a ring that you place.
And really, now, you've basically backed your DH into a corner. Even if he, totally on his own, put some thought into it and decided that yes, he'd like to get you a ring, if he does- you'll still be pissed.
REALLY?
You need to find a better way to resolve conflict and you also need to start understanding that your DH isn't you. He will have different viewpoints and feelings than you. The respect needs to go BOTH WAYS on this. (and yes, that means HE has some work to do on this front too).
I concur with a lot of the other PPs that I think you took it too much to heart when your DH said he doesn't care if you wear the ring. Because it is a stronger symbol for you than it is for him, I'm sure it felt a little like he was disparaging you and the marriage...but he really wasn't.
For example, my DH doesn't even have a wedding ring. He told me when we got engaged that he hates wearing rings and hopes I wouldn't mind if he never wears one. I care about him and I care about our marriage...but I don't care that he doesn't wear a ring. I never even bought him one. In fact, we used my late father's wedding ring during our ceremony. And then he immediately gave it back to my mom as soon as the ceremony was over.
On the other hand, I do think it is really hurtful he won't buy you the ring you requested. I mean, it would be one thing if you all were scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck, and $50-$100 would be a sacrifice. But if it is easily afforded, it seems like a small thing to do to make you happier, considering you can no longer wear your wedding ring to work.
Because I can understand that also. I love wearing my wedding ring. I've been married almost two years now. I still look at it at least a few times a week and remember how happy I am to be married to my awesome DH. I would be sad and feel like "something was missing" to be without it. Similar to if you run out of the house with just your keys and few bucks in your pocket to run a quick errand. And then freak out for 3 seconds, 10x on your short journey, because your purse isn't with you, lol.
Maybe if you pointed out that, you are okay with normally not spending $50-$100 on anniversary/birthday/etc. gifts...but this particular gift is really important to you because of x,y.z.
I know that is how my DH and I are. We don't spend very much on presents for each other. They are often very low cost, token presents. Mainly because we just don't need more "stuff". But I know if either one of us said, "It would mean a lot if you bought me ($100 gift) for our anniversary," the other person would be excited to buy something meaningful for the other.
Hmmm...unless they were shoes. My DH would not be too thrilled to buy me shoes
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I think I apologized because I didn't want to be in a fight with my hubby for longer than I had to. We both tried to make up a couple times during the argument and it just kept getting out of hand. So I decided to put my anger aside to help mend our relationship. I agree that it's not good to just apologize even thought things aren't resolved, but honestly I think I just need time to re-visit the discussion when my feelings aren't quite so volatile. So I'm giving it time.
You guys have been so supportive and have given me honest (but nice) feedback. It has been very helpful! Thank you so much! I appreciate it!!!!
The funny thing is I've never been a gifts type of person. My love language is physical affection. If you had asked me before I got married if wearing a ring was important, I would've said no! But apparently my true feelings came out lol. Sometimes I find out later that the logical opinion I have in my head is different than the one I have in my heart. This was definitely one of those cases! Anybody else have that problem??
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