Unsure of how to get back to me, any suggestions?

Stllove

I met my husband online in 2010.  We hit it off very well, met in person in the middle of 2011.  It was tough to keep it going because we are from different states, but we made it work.  I knew he would never be able to leave his state because he has 4 boys and I don't have any children.  So, I decided to leave my family, friends, and job and moved 2 states away in July 2012. 

When I moved here, I started realizing that my now husband was not as active as I was.  I used to work-out every day, kayak 5-6 days a week, took Tae Kwon Do, hiker, and loved to camp.  I was hoping that I would be able to encourage activity, but have not had much luck.  Because of the lack of energy on his part, I have been scaling way back on my part.  When I decide to go out hiking with the boys, something usually comes up and we can't go, cause the kids have chores or an appointment.  Seems like there is always an excuse. 

We got married in September 2014, wedding was beautiful.  Just after we married I also found out that he was not as financially stable as I had thought.  There has been some issues there, but we are working on that.  I also have recently noticed that every time I do something for him, such as buy him a gift or cook dinner he critizies it or makes some remark that he could do better.  It never seems good enough. 

I feel like I am losing who I am, what I loved, and replacing it with a lazier, not so happy of a person. I feel like I gave up alot to be with him.  I am stuck.  I was wondering if I should seek counciling for me, or do you feel this is normal for newlyweds to feel this way? I need to change something.  I am becoming irritable, unhappy, and gaining weight.  Is there support groups out there for this, groups of people who get together and do stuff so that they can feel alive again?

puppylove2014

This is not normal. Your marriage should enrich your life, not leave you feeling miserable. 

I'm concerned that the cold, hard truth is you ignored many, many big red flags. This didn't happen overnight and you had two years to figure out it was not going to change. The situation is only getting worse.

You need counseling. Together. You need to figure out if you're compatible and if there is any way to work this out. This really should have been done long before you married, but that ship has sailed. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

BlueBirdMB

puppylove2014 said:

This is not normal. Your marriage should enrich your life, not leave you feeling miserable. 

I'm concerned that the cold, hard truth is you ignored many, many big red flags. This didn't happen overnight and you had two years to figure out it was not going to change. The situation is only getting worse.

You need counseling. Together. You need to figure out if you're compatible and if there is any way to work this out. This really should have been done long before you married, but that ship has sailed. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

This 100%.  The worst part here is that you obviously ignored all these things and/or didn't learn much about your husband before marrying him.  These are all things you should have known about WAY before you got married.

GilliC

I agree with the PPs that a lot of this is stuff that you should have hashed out before getting married. 

However, given that it's not a priority for him, your physical fitness is all on you. If it's important to you, then you need to make it a priority and stand firm. Of course that will likely mean doing things on your own, but you can't blame your own health on the fact that your partner is less active.

I'm not particularly active, so in my marriage it was a point of resentment for a while, but finally H got into a routine of cycling on Saturday mornings, when I preferred to sleep in. Was it fantastic and ideal for either of us? No, but that's what happens when different things are important to you. I need a lot more sleep than him, and he was much more active. Such is life.

As for the criticism, has it really increased, or are you just noticing it more because you're already a bit disgruntled? This is something that could be addressed in counseling. If he's willing to go with you, that would be the best option. But if he's not, the fact that you feel like you're "losing yourself" makes me think that you could still get a lot out of going alone.

NoneForUs

You are a good woman for taking on a man with four kids. Many women would not have done what you have. 

What made you think that your husband was more active and financially stable than you thought?

I hope that he didn't lie or cover up either of those issues. 

You can still work out even if your partner is not active. Have you addressed the criticism with your husband? 

Joshley1827

This is such a tough situation. I say the best thing you can do is work on yourself, as in getting back to being physically active, doing all those fun things that you used to do, maybe not to that extent but definitely make an effort to make it a big part of your life again.  That should help to bring your mood up and make YOU feel better.  Of course a great thing is if your husband could join in on any of these activities so at least offer but don't expect that he will. 

The criticizing part is the tougher part of it. Have you told him how you felt about it? I have not been married long at all but I do have an example of an experience similar. I had been making dinner and cleaning and just doing my best at those things and just this one time as I was cleaning the kitchen, he comes in and tells me about a meal I had made a few nights before, that basically he wasn't a huge fan of it...then picked at it a little. That didn't bother me too much, that meal wasn't one of my favorites anyway. Well then he went on to pick at the way I had made some grilled sandwiches that same day and I got so much more overwhelmed than I knew and just said "you're making me feel incompetent" and he made me stop what I was doing to say sorry and to talk to me about it cause he really didn't want me to feel that way, and me being a baby and especially hormonal at the time starts tearing up (it really did hurt me though cause I had been trying really hard to be like a "good wife" you know?)  and he was just amazing and so caring at that point, it blew me away, like he felt really horrible to have made me feel that way. 

 Now I'm not saying expect a reaction like that, but try to voice how your feeling bluntly and simply like that; doesn't have to be mean or accusatory but you do have to let him know how it makes you feel otherwise he most likely does not know.  If his reaction then is kinda blowing you off and makes you feel small and unimportant then there's an issue, its one thing to joke and try to be funny but if he really doesn't try to make you feel better when you tell him this then I'd say to go for some counseling, at first for you and then invite him. 

 I truly hope that y'all can work this out and that you're able to feel alive and yourself again and important, you really sacrificed a lot to be where you are and its admirable and you're very strong for it.  

 

Now I don't know of what faith you are or any of that but for me, when I had been at a point in my life where I felt the way you did, the hugest thing that helped was strengthening my faith; praying and reading scriptures and going to church and really just talking to others who are going to be caring about it. Even if you aren't ready to say all your feelings out loud, you can always pray for guidance and answers and comfort.    

I hope I may have helped in some small way and I wish you the best!