Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How can we move forward? Please help me!
So some background, all of my previous relationships have ended pretty traumatically, all of them including some sort of mental abuse, or cheating, etc... My current boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Unfortunately our whole relationship started off very rocky. I was in a place where I shouldn't of entered into a relationship when I did. My ex and I had a very tangled up, confusing, abusive relationship, and although I was with my current boyfriend at the time, when my ex was back in town, we spent a night drinking together, which got very out of hand, and resulted in him stealing 500 dollars from me and me getting a concussion.
After that incident, our trust was severely damaged. We started to mend things when once again, I made another mistake. This is when things really took a turn for the worse. I felt after that I was able and willing to do everything in my power to save us, and at the moment, it seemed like he felt the same way, but I now know that is untrue. There have been little hiccups on my part, like him finding things from a few years ago that I did not tell him about, him looking through all of my facebook messages since I created my account (created years before we even met), and other more minor mistake on my part. Whenever he has had an issue with me, we end up arguing with each other until something changes the subject, or we are just exhausted of arguing. Nothing gets resolved though, seeing as he brings up everything I have ever done wrong, every time he gets mad at me.
He is also not innocent here, he lives with a group of his friends, and one night, he was upset about me and one of the girls that lives there was talking to him about it, and he kissed her. I did not find this out until 4 months later, from an unrelated person, and the whole time they acted like nothing happened, her hanging out with me, my boyfriend not saying anything, nothing. This obviously caused a large issue with me, seeing as he had been talking down to me for 2 years at that point about my mistakes, and somehow he thinks it is acceptable to still live in the same house and be around this same girl, when I had to block them and was not allowed any contact ( I didn't want to anyways, but I think that is something that he should follow as well). At one point, we were discussing this, and I said that he needed to choose me or her, and he said he would choose her, not to be in a relationship with (who knows if that was a lie), but because she is not making him choose. I still see her on a daily basis, and want nothing more than to scream at both of them. This is the only incident that they have admitted to, but then again, its only those two that knew, and they lied about it for so long already, I'm worried something else might of happened with her, or maybe even someone else.
I know that I am not an angel in this relationship, but at this point, he doesn't go more than a week without saying some comment about how I should go hangout with my other boyfriend (I don't have another, or anyone else I involve myself with) and we have not had any big issues in a while, and I just don't feel that I deserve to constantly be talked down to, or exploded at, or have hurt feelings, when I am showering him with affection and making sure he sees how much I care about him.
I need help trying to figure out how we can move forward together? It seems like whenever I try to talk to him, he either doesn't listen, thinks im lying, or just disagrees. I know that deep down he does care about me and love me, but he doesn't show it, even though I communicate this as a need I have. His defense mechanism is simply going along with it like he does not give a f***. Our relationship hasn't been a full 3 years of this, and we have had a lot of good times as well, I see him as my best friend, and my one day husband, but we need to be able to communicate better, and I need to feel like he actually likes me.
Please help!
Re: How can we move forward? Please help me!
You deserve better. Treat yourself accordingly.
My apologizes, this is my first post, and it sounds like I should of provided a little more info.
I am still with him because despite the negative aspect of our relationship, we have an indescribable bond, and he feels like my best friend.
I guess to me it seems like the part of our relationship that is in trouble is the romantic aspect, because he can be jealous, and about 90% of that is because of my mistakes I've made since we have been together, because if we took that part out, we do get along really well, sharing similar interests, on the same page about a lot of things, but also have enough differences to keep things interesting.
I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to salvage a relationship with trust & communication issues, when he gets defensive a lot. I know those are mandatory for any relationship to even slightly successful. I appreciate the replies!
Honestly, this is a classic example of what victims of abuse do - they say 'well I made a lot of mistakes blah blah blah.' Stop that. Open your eyes to the bigger picture here. You guys aren't married, so I'd say cut your losses. And go get some counseling for yourself.
I have a remarried friend with two children from her first marriage. And both her and her current husband speak so glowingly all the time of my friend's ex. They all do stuff together, etc. And one day I asked her, "I'm just curious, but why did you and your first husband divorce? It seems like the two of you get along so great! And even now, you seem to really like the guy as a friend." She laughed and verified that he is an awesome guy, she adores him, but they get along SO much better and are much better friends now than when they were married. BTW, her affection for the ex does not at all come off as romantic love...she is very happily married to second husband...so I understood exactly what she meant.
As for you, OP, although I wholeheartedly agree with the other PPs that he sounds emotionally abusive and you should look for the closest door...I don't think you're there yet. You need to see it yourself before that strategy will work. It's not normal, healthy, or productive for him to constantly make snide comments about your "other b/f"...which it sounds like he does when you all aren't even fighting. Jealousy is an unhealthy and corrosive emotion that can ruin even the best relationships.
I can speak to that personally. I was in a 2-year relationship with a guy that I finally ended because I couldn't take his jealousy anymore. We had many discussions about it, though no counseling. And he just couldn't control it. So I finally left and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. He wasn't right for me, because he couldn't trust me, even though I had never done anything to warrant his suspicion.
Although you have made some missteps on the trust front, so has he. Sounds pretty even to me. And stop beating yourself up about it. See my paragraph above. I guarantee you this guy would be making his dumb, immature comments about your fidelity even if you had never given him any cause to worry. Because that's what emotionally abusive, jealous men do.
Yes, there are trust and communication issues on both sides. His pattern of being "defensive" is a powerful tool against you, because it makes you feel like the "bad guy". Which then stops the communication and stops the discussion he doesn't want to have. Do you see how effective that is? I strongly, strongly suggest counseling. I think it is the only thing that might...big might...save this relationship. And if he won't go, go without him.
From your own admission, you seem to be in a pattern of choosing abusive men...whether physically or emotionally. This is a detrimental aspect of your own personality that you need to understand and work to change. Counseling will help you with that. Don't misunderstand, I don't say this to blame, I say this to help. Many of us have fallen into the bad habit of consistently dating the same type of person, who isn't a good match for our personality, and then wonder why things always go wrong. Sometimes just being aware of what is happening and what we are doing is enough to recognize when you are making the same mistake.
Yes, there are trust and communication issues on both sides. His pattern of being "defensive" is a powerful tool against you, because it makes you feel like the "bad guy". Which then stops the communication and stops the discussion he doesn't want to have. Do you see how effective that is? I strongly, strongly suggest counseling. I think it is the only thing that might...big might...save this relationship. And if he won't go, go without him.
THIS.I appreciate all of the responses ladies!
It all makes sense what you are saying, but I agree with @short+sassy I just don't see it all the way yet, I guess i'm not fed up enough to leave.
But that is where it gets confusing for me! I am a "fixer" through and through, the term co-dependency has been thrown around a lot with me. I do agree that I don't really know who I am all the way yet, I must not if I cant even tell you guys. I know I want to stay because I have hope for it to change and for us to be a team and fix our issues, but at the same time I could not imagine leaving the pieces where they fell and walking away. That would drive me insane.
In my head, ending it would not only break my heart, but drive me crazy for who knows how long with all the what ifs that come with ending something, in my opinion, that could flourish into a great life together with just a few tweaks.
Am I crazy for feeling this way?
Also I have been in counseling on and off by myself for about 7 years, dealing with PTSD and Anxiety. They have not helped much as I feel they never really understand.
Any advice would be so appreciated. Please help.
Also, I don't know if I am making excuses for him treating me the way he is treating me, I do not think it is okay at all, But at the same time do I really have a place to judge when I have done things to hurt him?
He will directly say and do things to hurt me, nut me, I am always nice and trying to fix the issue, i've just done things to break his trust. I don't think its ever okay to treat your partner in a way to make them sad/upset and he just says that it is how he was raised.
He blames his dad not being around, and his mom being abusive/ really just crazy in general, was forced to raise his little brother and sister on his own. I know this means that it is a part of him, but I didn't think that meant he had to treat me like he treats them. Is this normal?
Stop making excuses for yourself and for him. You don't want to leave. Nothing I can do will change that. BUT be prepared for the fact that he doesn't want to change. This is who he is with you. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be. If you want the man, take him as he is.
Are you willing to do that?
This is a really good point. "Fixing the issues" is only going to (maybe) work if he also sees a problem and wants to work towards a better relationship. But he doesn't. He even admits he purposely hurts your feelings just to make you upset...because that is the way he was raised. When you've had enough and you're ready, I have the perfect response back for you, "I'm so sorry you had a damaging childhood and can't treat me the way I deserve to be treated because of it. You have made it clear this is something you cannot control, so now I must leave. I will no longer tolerate living a life of sadness and a life of walking on egg shells because you choose not to battle your demons."
Warning, I'm going to be pretty long and rambly because I am trying to think of how to help you
.
You describe yourself as a "fixer". I suspect you choose men who are "broken". If that rings a bell, stop choosing men who are broken
. I know, easier said than done!
It's a hard reality to face. But there is no tweaking this relationship to make it better unless he is on board to try. This is how he is and how the relationship will always be. I know you hope and hope and hope it will get better, because you want it to get better. You picture what it looks like when it gets better. You have the good, happy days and picture all the days being like that. But you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. It takes both people to change a relationship. You can't do it on your own.
One of my all-time LEAST favorite sayings is "Love conquers all." Because it doesn't. That is a lie. The two of you might love and adore each other but, if you are consistently unhappy and often questioning if he likes you...that is not a love worth saving. A good love is one that lifts both people up and makes them better people just for having found each other.
Something else to think about, do you want children someday? If so, what kind of father would he make if his "I hurt people I love, because that is how I was raised" attitude doesn't change? And the cycle would continue.
I'm sorry to hear that therapy hasn't worked for you in the past. Have you tried group therapy? Maybe that would be a better option for you and you would relate better to people who have had similar experiences.
You asked if it's normal. It's not normal. It's not normal or healthy at all for your b/f to hurt your feelings just to hurt your feelings. It is unnecessarily cruel, for no reason, and I understand that is part of why the hurt cuts so deep.
I had an ex who I went out with for two years. 95% of the time, it was a fantastic relationship. But every once in awhile, he would get in a bad mood and try to take down everyone with him. The worst was on my birthday one year. We had been together 18 months at that point. I was in a super good mood and super high spirits, waiting for him to come pick me up and take me out to dinner. He picks me up and I am a bit sad to see he is in one of those "moods".
All night, it was short curt and snippy conversations with him. He kept trying to pick stupid fights with me. For most of the night, I refused to let him get me down. I don't even remember what finally made me snap, but I finally took his bait and we got in a huge fight. I was crying for the entire ride back home. He didn't even walk me to my door. I was crying for at least an hour after I got home. When I finally shook myself out of it, I was both really hurt and really angry. I realized he had purposely set out to ruin my birthday. For absolutely no reason. Just because he was in a bad mood that night. Even over that one incident, I made up my mind I was going to end things the next day. Because a man who would treat me so cruelly...when we weren't even fighting, even though he was wonderful most of the time...was not a man I wanted to be with or could trust with my heart.
I can't tell you how much I wish I had stuck to my plan, lol. He called me the next morning falling all over himself apologizing. Without my even prompting, he admitted he had ruined my birthday and wasn't even sure why he did it. I gave him a lot of credit for fessing up and forgave him and stayed with him. But it was the start of an ugly downhill slide until things finally ended 7 months later.