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Some more advice
Hello ladies, I am back and looking for some additional
advice. So I sent these points to my
wife because she read my last post and said I was very one sided in it. So we have agreed with these items and I will
place some context around them so you will fully understand the environment at
the time and my line of thinking. Now I
admit before had and I have to her that I have been wrong in how I have handled
some stuff but I made those decisions based on the environment. Again sorry that this post is long but need
some guidance. Yes, I have asked her to
go to counseling but right now the answer is NO. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
1.
1997/98 1st Ex-girlfriend helps me
with an apt and during my mother’s death
2.
2003/4 married and traded emails with that same
Ex over a friend’s wedding, why we broke up and a resume question. Over a period of 8months
a.
During this time, she asked me to a happy hour (didn’t
go)
b.
She gave me her number to talk (didn’t call)
So during our first 18 months of
marriage wife started to ignore me and pull away. Said she was just frustrated because she felt
I was not putting her on a pedestal and doing what she said other husbands were
doing for their wives. She was comparing
us to two other couples that we knew and one of them is no longer married at
this time. So when the communications
started with the Ex it was just an outlet because home was shutdown. Now also, during this time wife was calling
me names and other stuff, which I feel, was verbal abuse.
Also, this ex asked me to happy
hour didn’t go because I felt being alone, with alcohol was not a good
situation. By alone I mean no wife or
other buffer.
Gave me her number but didn’t use
I felt that would have been too personal.
Was not trying to go there.
If you wonder how she got to see
the emails she broke into the account.
3.
Wife finds out asks to stop communication
So wife finds out
and this kicks off the no communication and I promised no more
communication. Also, for the next couple
of years we again had the name calling and other stuff. So over this period of time until around 2012
or so I heard things such as I married down and other men were better than
me. And the only reason I would do some
things is because someone else had done it and I was just coping them
4.
2009 1st Ex emails group email about
some spiritual uplift item, I responded
So the first Ex
sends an email to my gmail account and to be honest not sure how she got
it. I had to setup the account when I
first got a droid phone and used the stuff for work. So this was one or two email no other contact. Account was killed until activated later for
other reasons.
Again, we had been
fighting over stuff like trips because she felt we hadn’t gone anywhere and she
should be taken someplace. So every time
a spring break was coming around it was a fight for a few weeks before and a
week or two after because people at work were doing stuff. I did offer to go some places over that time
but they were turned down because we were not taking a plane to one of the
place on her list or she felt could not go to school and talk about these
places.
5.
2012 A different 2nd Ex
contacts me tells me I have a kid (she is grown)I never knew about
a.
I talked to that 2nd Ex about the
situation
b.
Ended up talking to the child and started
communication with her for 13months
Now, here is a big one. I had a 2nd Ex contact me and
inform me that 20 years ago she hid the fact that she had our baby. So, I will cover the next couple of line
items right here. So after talking to
her a few times about this mess, the girl reaches out to me wanting to talk so
we started to communicate. Now, I didn’t
tell my wife because she had been talking about leaving and I was hoping to strengthen
our marriage before I dropped something like this. I do wish I could have had her there from the
beginning but I didn’t think she would stay.
So we would text and talk at
times. During this time period as the
other post say I did some stuff for her.
Now I did ask for a DNA test and she wanted to wait to see if she even
wanted to know. For me as long as it was
just me she was interacting with I was ok.
Now, in the beginning she stopped calling and I texted her mother over
FB and asked if she wanted to stop communicating and if so that was ok. Turns out
she didn’t. Now I said nothing because
we were heading into the holidays and I was trying to put it off. So because of that the months added up.
Again, how did she find out she
broke into my email and saw a picture.
Now I was going to tell her it was a cousin but I stopped and told her
everything. Over the next couple of
weeks she searched my emails and found the receipt from the flowers and
money. Now, understand I kept that stuff
to tell her because I didn’t use some other email but the one she knew about
all along.
6.
Over that 13mths helped her with a letter of
recommendation
7.
Was sent out of town to the city the child was
in and meet up for a few hours
So work sent me out of town and it
was to the city she happened to be in which is my wife home town. Now this is not a small town it is a large
metroplex. Now my wife says it was disrespectful to go and I should have never
met her at all or had any communications.
She now always says I am trying to talk to her and her mother as if I
cannot know one without the other. But
there is currently no communications because she asked for it to stop and I
told the young lady we could not talk anymore and why. So my wife was there but it is still this
issue for her to use at any point. Also,
the names and stuff are still going on over this period when I fight happens.
8.
Took a pic and had lunch
9.
Sent her flowers over Valentine’s day
10.
Let her borrow some money
11.
2013, wife finds out about it
12.
Also in 2013 wife finds out 1st ex
emailed and asked for help with a resume (changing careers)
a.
3 emails all about the resume
So here we are again back to the 1st
Ex who sends out a group email and I was on it.
It was for some resume help because she was switching careers. I responded with some points and after two
emails that was it. I have not heard
from her again. Now again, how did the
wife find out? She took my work phone
and started to go through it, without my permission. Now my phones are password protected but she
has had the password so it was not like I was really trying to keep stuff from
her on my phone.
13.
2014/2015 Wife asks and I tell the child no more
contact
14.
2015, no additional contact with anyone
So now here we are in 2015 and we are still fighting over
this stuff. I still get the names and
stuff just not as often. She talks about
trust issues when I don’t leave my phone around but I tell her I hate the
snooping and feel that trust is a two way street. Also, when we do talk and I say have you hurt
me she says it’s not the same and I feel she is invalidating my feeling
because, yes the action is not the same but the hurt is just as real. I feel that the comparisons to other husbands
and stuff is bring other men into our marriage the same way she feels that
answering the emails from my Ex or finding out I have this kid is bring other
women. I have asked for counseling but
it is a yes one day and a no the next.
Re: Some more advice
For what it is worth, from your side of the story, the only thing you did that should have been discussed with your wife instead of hidden is giving your daughter money.
Unfortunately, your wife is a very jealous person. Some people are just like that, even when they have no reason to be jealous. The name calling and comparing you to other people...even phantom other people (ie I married "down", blah blah)...is reprehensible in any circumstance. However, it sounds like your wife doesn't see a problem and doesn't even want to go to counseling.
It takes two people to change things...and even then it is hard. Nothing is going to change. Your wife is not magically going to change. Is this something you can live with? Harsh, but that is the choice you have. And I recommend counseling for yourself, either way. I hope you find the best path for yourself.