Pittsburgh Nesties
bride2003
member
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
battling with a 3 yr old
You know how there are great days & moments and then those when you think, what the heck am I doing wrong here? Or I have no idea what I am doing with this kid? Well this morning was one of those.
Eamon is very particular about what he wears lately - he goes through those stages of all I want to wear is my ninja shirt etc.. but now its I only want to wear shorts or jeans. He also wants tight pants like the girls have (leggings) but that's for another post. This am he wanted to wear shorts which I was fine with but he also wanted to wear this sleeveless t-shirt that was too big & I didn't think it would be warm enough for it. So I said no, and he proceeded to scream & pitch a fit for close to 35 mins. I mean top of the lungs screaming - after a night where I got little sleep so I was short on patience to begin with. So trying to stay calm, I went downstairs to get breakfast for girls and he stood on top of stairs screaming. The girls even went up and tried to help him calm down and he just pushed them and screamed louder. Finally, I took my phone, set an alarm for 5 mins and told him I was leaving and he had to get a shirt, socks & underwear on or else I was leaving. Meanwhile Caileigh was like "mom our bus doesn't come for 10 minutes are you leaving before us"? I mean I had no idea what I was saying but was throwing anything out there to get this kid to cooperate. I probably could have gone up and rocked him calmly but I was so upset by then I couldn't do it & I know that wouldn't have changed his mind about the shirt.
So after the alarm went off he freaked enough thinking I was leaving so Caileigh then helped him get on jeans, long sleeve flannel plaid shirt (this after the battle for sleeveless shirt!). So then he was calm until he realized the shirt he wanted to wear was in the wash (cue more tears and screams). Then I tied his shoe laces "wrong". I had no idea what the "right" way was so I said (calmly) I don't know what you want, I am getting in the car. Then he screamed b/c he wanted his other shoes. All the way to preschool where he finally calmed down & walked into school fine & went to his class. By then I was the one crying!
This isn't an isolated incident, he is prone to "pitch a fit" or turn a happy moment into a screaming one. It could be he wants something (now!), he doesn't want to do something etc.. etc.. but it seems out of control lately & I can't stand it. I know he does the same for John. The girls are so good at ignoring it but even they say, "Eamon cries alot". So I did ask his teacher for a few mins next week to discuss his behavior to see if she notices anything but I have a sense he is fine at school or else I would have heard. He seems to be fine with my in-laws & babysitter but that could be b/c they don't say no a lot.
I don't know if holding the line with him is the way to go or to give in? I've done time outs or putting him in his room but the boy is not easy to discipline & then he's not remorseful about anything. Usually, I could care less if he wears the same shirt every day but I thought a sleeveless shirt today was a bit much plus & he has been coughing for the last 2 days so I held firm.
My gut says its normal 3 yr old behavior testing limits etc... but I don't recall the girls acting this bad so often. Plus they were so much easier to re-direct or distract when they pitched a fit. It is so difficult to get him to stop crying and calm down. My other thought is - what am I missing ? Is it his diet? He is very small for his age (almost 4, wears 2T) so maybe its constant hunger sending him off? But when I try to get him to eat, he eats very little. Unless I offer him a diet of fruit snacks and then he would eat all the time. He is a peculiar kid in what he wants & likes, its hard to anticipate what will set him off.
Sorry so long, this was a rough morning so I wanted to vent a bit but also see what others are going through....
Who said boys were easy?!
Eamon is very particular about what he wears lately - he goes through those stages of all I want to wear is my ninja shirt etc.. but now its I only want to wear shorts or jeans. He also wants tight pants like the girls have (leggings) but that's for another post. This am he wanted to wear shorts which I was fine with but he also wanted to wear this sleeveless t-shirt that was too big & I didn't think it would be warm enough for it. So I said no, and he proceeded to scream & pitch a fit for close to 35 mins. I mean top of the lungs screaming - after a night where I got little sleep so I was short on patience to begin with. So trying to stay calm, I went downstairs to get breakfast for girls and he stood on top of stairs screaming. The girls even went up and tried to help him calm down and he just pushed them and screamed louder. Finally, I took my phone, set an alarm for 5 mins and told him I was leaving and he had to get a shirt, socks & underwear on or else I was leaving. Meanwhile Caileigh was like "mom our bus doesn't come for 10 minutes are you leaving before us"? I mean I had no idea what I was saying but was throwing anything out there to get this kid to cooperate. I probably could have gone up and rocked him calmly but I was so upset by then I couldn't do it & I know that wouldn't have changed his mind about the shirt.
So after the alarm went off he freaked enough thinking I was leaving so Caileigh then helped him get on jeans, long sleeve flannel plaid shirt (this after the battle for sleeveless shirt!). So then he was calm until he realized the shirt he wanted to wear was in the wash (cue more tears and screams). Then I tied his shoe laces "wrong". I had no idea what the "right" way was so I said (calmly) I don't know what you want, I am getting in the car. Then he screamed b/c he wanted his other shoes. All the way to preschool where he finally calmed down & walked into school fine & went to his class. By then I was the one crying!
This isn't an isolated incident, he is prone to "pitch a fit" or turn a happy moment into a screaming one. It could be he wants something (now!), he doesn't want to do something etc.. etc.. but it seems out of control lately & I can't stand it. I know he does the same for John. The girls are so good at ignoring it but even they say, "Eamon cries alot". So I did ask his teacher for a few mins next week to discuss his behavior to see if she notices anything but I have a sense he is fine at school or else I would have heard. He seems to be fine with my in-laws & babysitter but that could be b/c they don't say no a lot.
I don't know if holding the line with him is the way to go or to give in? I've done time outs or putting him in his room but the boy is not easy to discipline & then he's not remorseful about anything. Usually, I could care less if he wears the same shirt every day but I thought a sleeveless shirt today was a bit much plus & he has been coughing for the last 2 days so I held firm.
My gut says its normal 3 yr old behavior testing limits etc... but I don't recall the girls acting this bad so often. Plus they were so much easier to re-direct or distract when they pitched a fit. It is so difficult to get him to stop crying and calm down. My other thought is - what am I missing ? Is it his diet? He is very small for his age (almost 4, wears 2T) so maybe its constant hunger sending him off? But when I try to get him to eat, he eats very little. Unless I offer him a diet of fruit snacks and then he would eat all the time. He is a peculiar kid in what he wants & likes, its hard to anticipate what will set him off.
Sorry so long, this was a rough morning so I wanted to vent a bit but also see what others are going through....
Who said boys were easy?!
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
Re: battling with a 3 yr old
I'm heading into a meeting and I'll write more later, but I feel your pain, girlfriend! It was much worse with Jake, but Liam definitely has his stubborn side, too, that seems to have come out even more in the past month or so.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
At soccer on Saturday he was doing really well (for the first time actually participating more than usual) until he tripped over a kid and got his hands dirty. He was done after that. Just sitting in the field screaming and crying. We took him home after a whopping 15 minutes.
The screaming and crying about everything makes me crazy!! My dad yells at him about it (sort of works, but only when Pap Pap does it), we ignore it as long as we can (50/50 success rate), I cuddle him and try to calm him down (50/50 success rate), and I just don't know what else to do.
My mom said she thinks he's just a kid who is programmed to get his way and he's very stubborn until he gets it. Not that I have any idea where that comes from... Haha!
Might I suggest a stiff drink?
Last week, in response to something (I can't even remember what) he picked up a toy and threw it, it was like the 5th time that day, so I told him he needed to take a time out in his room. Knowing he'd never go on his own I picked up him to carry him, and on the way up the stairs he bit me. After I put him in his room for a time out, I could here him whipping toys towards the door. I go up 3 minutes later, and sure enough there are dents/gouges in the wall from things hitting them.
Friday he was in time out 3 times at preschool. He's only there for 2 hours, and in that time he also spit on the teacher and called her poopy underwear. I partially blame that on him binging on jellybeans before school (he got into them while DH was taking the dog out)--because I'm really wondering what effect sugar and perhaps dye are having on him. We're looking to cut all of that out to see if it helps.
I'm anxious to hear the replies, because I don't have an answer. I'm in the "hold firm" camp, but DH is more of the softy. I wonder if it's a consistency thing, but TBH, neither me being consistently firm or DH being consistently soft works. Maybe we need to level set?
Just Saturday dd was trying to get ready for dance and was so upset about how her tights fit. She could not calm down and ended up missing class.
I have learned to try and give in a little to her desires/requests. For example in your case this morning I probably would have let him go with that outfit but gave him a sweatshirt to have just in case. Often times dd does not believe Us and needs to learn for herself. Obviously if it's freezing out I wouldn't let her go Ina tank top and shorts but within treason. When she was 3 she decided she no longer liked pants and only wanted skirts so I've let that happen. I Make sure she has enough skirts and leggings to wear with them. This winter she was having real issues with her leggings not feeling right so I ended up buying bigger ones and that's helped. But stiller run into issues that you just can't predict or fix regarding clothes.
I wish I had an answer as I am sick of it. Dd missed the bus this morning because she couldn't calm down and get ready in time.
I've looked into diet but there doesn't seem to be a correlation. She just goes through phases. We went through a bad phase over the winter and then it's like a switch flipped and she was awesome and then last week has been a 180 and we are back to the crazy!
She is extremely stubborn. It's her personality and it affects everything.
No solutions, but I can sympathize! He was signed up for soccer in the Fall and I think he maybe played a grand total of 3 minutes for the whole season? And when he did play, he threw a fit any time someone took the ball from him or scored (even if it was his own team). Rich was the coach, otherwise I don't know that I would have bothered to go some weeks. He is also huge for his age, and very difficult to pick up and remove from situations, so I always felt so overwhelmed when he'd have a meltdown, especially in public.
On the bright side, Garrett turned 4 in January, and while he is still stubborn and throws tantrums, it is much better now and they actually feel manageable - I can either talk him down or know the reason for his meltdown (hungry, lack of sleep, etc.).
Good luck!
Our main issue with Liam right now is the attitude; you tell him something that he doesn't like to hear and his response at times is "I do what I want". GRRRRR. I have no advice. we've tried the whole time out on the stairs/time out in his room thing, taking away privleges, it feels like everything. I may take a different approach this week and do a behavior chart, which we haven't tried with him yet (and had moderate success with Jake when he was younger)
I'll be following along on this thread for other ideas!
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
She also drives me up a wall with never believing me...much like the need to wear a coat/bus stop. Today I look out the window and see the bus drive by and tell her that the bus is driving past and you are missing it. She tells me NO ITS NOT! I could tell her the sky is blue and she would fight me on it. And then she will get mad at me and cry that I never believe her!!!
Everything you describe sounds normal to me. Sad and frustrating, but true. Especially once they are 3 ½.
Ideas:
- Have a talk about behavior and expectations when everyone is happy and things are going well and there is no time pressure. Talk at dinner about how we all pitch in, what each kid is responsible for, etc, etc. It may take a few times of this for any of it to ‘stick’ with E.
- I have had the best results when I have stayed firm on the rules and boundaries but my demeanor has stayed calm and pleasant. Easier said than done, I know! I find that when we end up yelling it can make things worse than if we just had a few more minutes of patience. Especially me. The kids will respond when DH yells, but it has no effect when I yell and it just seems to make it harder for us to get anywhere because I am so upset.
- Sometimes it helps to offer choices: “You can wear that sleeveless shirt, but you have to wear a hoodie over it. Or you can choose a different shirt with sleeves.” “I know that you don’t want to clean up your mess, but it is your responsibility. Would you like to get the towel to clean with or would you like me to pick it?” Granted, sometimes offering choices doesn’t help.
- Ultimately, don’t blame yourself for sticking with the boundary. Kids really DO want us to set and stick with boundaries, because that gives them more comfort and confidence long term, even if they don’t act like it.
Using the tank top as an example, sometimes I react too fast and set a boundary and then regret it. Two things:
- I TRY to slow myself down from responding too fast to requests or perceived problems. Even taking a breath and thinking "is this really a problem?" before I react. I've avoided some unnecessary boundary setting that way.
- Secondly, I sometimes change my mind, but when I do I explain my reasoning and rethinking to try to avoid looking like I'm giving in. First, try to get them to stop pitching a fit and listen to you, which usually means sitting down and being at their level. "I still don't think it is a good idea to wear that tank top, but if you are willing to wear pants and a hoodie with it then I will compromise so that we can get to school on time."
Also, I should add that I had a major mommy meltdown on fb a couple weeks ago. So though I may sound like I know what I'm talking about, we all have crappy parenting moments!
But, and I know I've said it before, do the hard work now! I've seen this sort of behavior replicated in the actual teenage years, with parents giving in and no consequences and such, and it is SO not pretty...with MUCH higher stakes. I feel like, even though it is so so hard now, I would rather fight a battle and teach consequences and appropriate ways to act over clothing choices and which snacks are appropriate, than driving, friends who are making way poor choices, etc. (Does that even make sense...we have Threenager along with with infant non-sleep in our house and it is a bad combo! Words are hard.)
Hugs Mommas! We're doing a good job. Our kids will appreciate this some day. And we will survive this!
DH & I were talking later and he relayed a similar experience that he never told me about where he was pushed to the brink with Eamon & in the middle of it, Caileigh wrote him a note (on a napkin) and put it on his pillow so he would see it later. It said something like "I wish dad would talk to Eamon about what is wrong instead of getting mad, he cries all the time so something has to be wrong. Mom & dad used to talk to us when we were upset".
DH felt awful and apologized to the girls & Eamon and talked to them about it. I read the note and wow, it definitely hit home. But also proved my point that we were "spoiled" with the first 2 esp. Caileigh b/c she takes it all to heart. She would cry if we even started to get upset with her so there was no need to discipline her. I still laugh at the time I caught her reading under her covers (which I was not upset about) but she started crying anyway b/c she thought I would be mad.
This is why after so many years I love this board & all the input. I will definitely take back some of these pointers to use next time. This morning was a breeze & that makes such a difference to your day when you start with hugs and happy voices vs. screaming!
Off to the Bahamas tomorrow with sisters & friends for 50th bday celebration! No kids! Couldn't have come at a better time
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)