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jen052738

joleri23

You might try asking him if he'd like to know the full extent of what you said. If he says he doesn't, then let it go.

jen052738

   

jen052738

   

noffgurl

Can you explain what exactly his issue is? I know I confide in my mom about everything really and H actually ends up doing so as well. I know he confides in his dad a lot but certain things are a sore point with them so he talks to my mom (his mom is a narcissistic b*tch). Neither of us have a problem talking over issues with our parents. Doing so has actually saved our marriage on more than one occasion.

englishtrish1

Is what you told your mom something that could make her resent, hate or never forgive your DH? If so you screwed up and your DH probably had the right to know. Are you trying to sabotage your relationship?

jen052738

   

BlueBirdMB

I think having privacy in a marriage is important-don't get me wrong- but I'm having a little trouble understanding why he would be THAT upset that you told your mom when you were going through a really rough time.  We all need to talk to someone in times of crisis.  Did your mother insert herself after finding out this information?  If she stayed out of it, then I'm not sure what his issue is... it's far healthier for you to talk about your issues then it is to keep it bottled up and sometimes we need people other than our spouse to do that with.

jen052738

  

englishtrish1

So, it's either drugs, porn or gambling. I m sorry your DH wants a divorce, was it a knee jerk or did it seem like it was calm and considered.

jen052738

   

englishtrish1

Knee jerk is better, I know it doesn't feel that way but it is. You have to prove he can trust you and that is a hard one. The first step is no more confiding in mom. Whatever it is he does, it is something he didn't want other people to know, you knew that, at least on some level, and you told mom.

jen052738

   

RevJen

I don't understand why your mom knowing some personal things about you and your husband is a big deal.  She's your MOM, not some stranger off the street.  Clearly, you needed advice and guidance with whatever your husband did and she provided it.  She's not judging him.  Why should he judge you for that.

He's so mad that you talked to the woman who birthed and raised you that he wants a divorce?  Really?  He needs to grow the hell up.  Good riddance to him.

BlueBirdMB

Now I'm unclear.  He isn't upset that YOU told your mother about what HE had been doing something that was damaging your marriage???? 

noffgurl

RevJen said:

I don't understand why your mom knowing some personal things about you and your husband is a big deal.  She's your MOM, not some stranger off the street.  Clearly, you needed advice and guidance with whatever your husband did and she provided it.  She's not judging him.  Why should he judge you for that.

He's so mad that you talked to the woman who birthed and raised you that he wants a divorce?  Really?  He needs to grow the hell up.  Good riddance to him.

This.

englishtrish1

I don't understand why people think that confiding in your parents is a normal adult part of a relationship. It's a boundary issue, it's a trust issue and inviting your parents into the inner most workings of your marriage violates both.

noffgurl

Like PP's said you can't keep everything bottled up and many times your parent is a person you can trust the most to get advice from and get things off your chest (not always-depends on the kind of parent you have). OP isn't talking to a random coworker, it's her MOTHER. The person that loves her the most and wants the best for her child-no matter how old that child is (again depending on the parent). If her mother is meddling after that's a different story, but OP doesn't say that. For instance- my MIL finds out very little information about us because we know how she is; my mom and H's dad on the other hand don't share information that we have confided and, like I mentioned before, H and I probably would have split a long time ago if it wasn't for the fact that we could go to those two.

englishtrish1

I agree most parents want the best for their children. So people confide in them, expose the darkest points in their marriages to them and show, perhaps exaggeratingly their spouses flaws, they get advice but it's not impartial and your parent can never truly forget what you have told them and it will color their view of the spouse be it only subconsciously. In some ways it would be better to confide in someone who doesn't already have a dog in the race so to speak

noffgurl

I get that, which is why H and I would never tell anything to his mom that isn't public knowledge and, honestly, sometimes not even then because she will twist it no matter how positive into something we did against her. When we were much younger H and I fought on Facebook (absolute dumbest idea ever btw) and she took it as an attack on her even though the fight had zilch to do with her.

OP's mother has to understand that everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs a sounding board. I understand your concern that it would cause long term issues but I think if the parent is mature enough to set aside bias OP should be okay.

OP's H needs to understand that, again, everyone needs a sounding board. It isn't fair for him to expect her to keep her mouth shut about things that she is struggling with. His struggles are hers as well. Hers may even be worse than his if she has to support him emotionally as well as however else and herself as well and try to navigate whatever this scary and new situation is. He can't repair himself alone and he has to understand that she will need support herself to be able to be strong enough to carry him. And who better than her mother to do that.

If their situation colors her opinion of him, then OP needs to make every effort to balance her portrayal of him with the positive things he does. I hope that all makes sense, I rambled a bit.

BlueBirdMB

noffgurl said:

I get that, which is why H and I would never tell anything to his mom that isn't public knowledge and, honestly, sometimes not even then because she will twist it no matter how positive into something we did against her. When we were much younger H and I fought on Facebook (absolute dumbest idea ever btw) and she took it as an attack on her even though the fight had zilch to do with her.

OP's mother has to understand that everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs a sounding board. I understand your concern that it would cause long term issues but I think if the parent is mature enough to set aside bias OP should be okay.

OP's H needs to understand that, again, everyone needs a sounding board. It isn't fair for him to expect her to keep her mouth shut about things that she is struggling with. His struggles are hers as well. Hers may even be worse than his if she has to support him emotionally as well as however else and herself as well and try to navigate whatever this scary and new situation is. He can't repair himself alone and he has to understand that she will need support herself to be able to be strong enough to carry him. And who better than her mother to do that.

If their situation colors her opinion of him, then OP needs to make every effort to balance her portrayal of him with the positive things he does. I hope that all makes sense, I rambled a bit.

Exactly.

Plus, OPs confiding in her mom isn't a reason for him to get angry enough to want a divorce.  That's immature and a complete over reaction.  What about whatever HE'S done that he's so embarrassed about?

I'd say that the only reason why my parents are still married 32 years is because of my mom's mother.  You need someone to talk to sometimes who isn't involved in the situation directly.  My mom's mother stayed uninvolved and was an excellent sounding board.  She was also pretty impartial and told my mom straight up if she was the one who was wrong.  She was both my mom and dad's confidant and she single handedly got them through a terrible time in their marriage.

Not everyone's parent is the correct person to confide in because they will use the information to do harm in some way.  For some people, a friend is a better person to confide in, but everyone needs someone.  It's healthy to vent.

magsugar13

Good give him the divorce.

He does something so embarassing and upsetting that "it almost crushed your marriage"

you tell your mom and he wasnts a divorce over whart YOU did?

Simple case of projecting the blame, so he feels better about himself and relieves his guilt.

NOW it si all YOUR fault, see how that works out for him?

Maybe you shouldnt have told your mom, but if HE didnt do whatever he did you wouldnt have been put into that psoition!

Kick his ass to the curb!

jen052738

   

noffgurl

I really don't think you were in the wrong at all, I think he needs to cool his balls.

jen052738

   

Tofumonkey

No, this is your husband manipulating you again.

Husband kills kittens, boils them in a pot and feeds them to the local nursing home residents.

Wife finds out. Confides in her mother for support and advice.

Husband finds out wife told her mom.

Husband freaks out at wife for being THE WORST PERSON EVERRRRRR SO UNTRUSTWORTHY I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER THAT I MURDERED AND BOILED KITTENS AND THEN FED THEM TO OLD PEOPLE YOU ARE A MONSTER FOR TELLING YOUR MOTHER ABOUT THAT OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT I WANT A DIVORCE I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE AND THEN MAYYYYYYYBE I'LL FORGIVE YOU BUT PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER OF A PERSON!

Aaaaaaand him having just fed kitty-curry to old people is no longer the issue. It's not even being discussed anymore. The heat is off of him.

See what he's doing here?