Trouble in Paradise

jamiebeck

According to The Knot, we have been married for 551 days! (WoW)

So technically... the honeymoon period is definitely over, but the "been married for 50 years" phase should not be kicking in "just yet"... only it has.

My husband will not sit with me, cuddle with me on couch or in bed, we rarely have sex (maybe once a month), we never go anywhere together, occasionally I'll wake up and he will have fallen asleep on the couch or even in the guest bedroom.  We don't fight or anything like that, in fact, overall we have what I would consider a pretty decent relationship most of the time. We take turns cooking (him more than me actually because I work two jobs), and we both clean. The bills and chores are split pretty evenly... again, if anything more on him than me because I work a lot. The problem is the relationship we have is one of ROOM-MATES not SPOUSES.  This has been going on for about 8 months now.  I have told him repeatedly that I feel like we're roommates... I have asked him to sit with me, go out and do things with me... but he still doesn't seem to get it.

 I firmly believe that there is NO excuse for cheating on someone and that the fault is primarily on the one who does it... but I feel SO alone and this has caused me to stray a little when someone actually shows me attention or makes me feel good about myself.  I have not slept with anyone or anything like that, but I slowly feel myself drifting to a point where I can no longer guarantee that I won't.  **Please keep negative words and judgement to yourself, that is not what I am looking for right now... I am, as I said, fully aware that cheating is a terrible thing to do. I have been on the receiving end and I NEVER thought that I'd even be capable of doing something.**  I love him, but more as a friend or a roommate... not as a spouse or lover or anything like that. Romance and intimacy have long disappeared from our marriage. I want to do whatever I can to make it work, but so far nothing seems to work.  We tried marriage counseling once, but he didn't want to go back. I am in therapy myself and she actually encourages me to leave because she knows I'm not happy.  I bought lingerie and his response was, "What did you buy that for?" so I've never worn it. 

I truly know in my heart that he is not cheating because he is always at the house or at work... back and forth... period. 

Does anybody have any suggestions, or has anyone been in a similar situation? 

jamiebeck

P.S.  I have just recently (last 6 weeks) gotten the second job to help out with some bills and provide myself with a legitimate reason to be out of the house DOING something, so it has nothing to do with my working so much.

short+sassy

I wish I had more advice for you, but I wanted to at least sympathize.  It's hard to work out a problem with someone when they don't see the problem.

If he is at least willing to work with you, maybe start with "planning" romantic things to do.  I realize romance and planning don't usually go together, but sometimes they have to when relationships get in a rut.

Plan a picnic on a pretty Saturday afternoon.  Or prepare a candlelit dinner at home.  Or go to a favorite restaurant.

Talk to your husband about you and him starting a routine, where you hug/hold each other every evening while giving each other at least one compliment.

Plan sex.  Like every Tuesday night at 9PM.  Again, sounds weird to "plan" something like that, but this might be a way to kick up the intimacy to get it going again.

Those are a few of my ideas.  But the thought is not necessarily that these will be lifetime plans, but that having some "planned" romance will hopefully turn into a closer relationship and better relationship habits that will eventually lead to a more loving connection. 

And honestly, most of the initial work is going to need to come from you.  You will need to plan the romantic outings.  And you will need to pick activities and then talk to your husband about ways to foster intimacy.  But again, hopefully once habits are established, he will start to be more romantic also and make suggestions himself.

BlueBirdMB

My caveat first:  I don't know you.  I don't know what's REALLY happening, but I have seen marriages where at least one spouse thinks that marriage is going to be all roses and gazing into each other's eyes, etc.  Marriage isn't like that all the time (most of the time) and I think it's immature to expect it to be like that.  Once the honeymoon period ends, you love should grow into something deeper and more comfortable.  I believe that sometimes it does feel like a friendship more than a romance, but it doesn't mean it always will.  Things change, people change, your relationship evolves and ebbs and flows.

But otherwise, I completely agree with PP.  If you need more romance, then you need to plan it.  You need to communicate with him that this (in specific terms) is what you need.  Intimacy and romance don't just happen by accident, they take conscious effort and longer you are together, the more effort it takes.

GilliC

Honestly, your marriage sounds pretty good. Most healthy relationships are pretty boring.

It sounds like the crux of your problem is that you don't do enough things together, and you don't have enough sex. Have you talked about these things?

Regarding the time: What are your common interests, and why are you not doing them together anymore?

The sex is a bit harder to solve. I agree with the PP that you should schedule it. It can be a huge blow to your self esteem when you try to proposition your partner for sex and are turned down, even if there's a legitimate reason. Scheduling isn't sexy, but in most cases once you get started, it's smooth sailing from there. If it's not, then you probably ought to consider seeing a sex therapist for the logistical issues. In terms of getting in the mood, figure out what turns you on, and ask him to do the same. For example, watching porn, reading erotica, or self-stimulation. This can help get you ready for scheduled intimacy.

When you talk to him about making changes, be calm and constructive. Let him know that this is important to you and that you would be very grateful if he was willing to try making these changes with you. If he's reluctant to even make an effort without good reason, then it sounds like these are symptoms of a bigger issue that can likely only be addressed in couples therapy.

As for the cheating, stay away from temptation. If you don't trust yourself, do not let yourself end up in a situation where something could happen. And when you start to think about, "Oh wouldn't that be nice," stop yourself and think about how hard it would be to see your H hurt by your actions.

dutchgirl76

I'll say that scheduling sex is a must. It bleeping sucks, but sometimes it's all you can do. Once you have a day and time, try to put a positive spin, get excited for it. You can put on a nice shirt or fancier underwear to help make things sexier, something that would make him excited when you first started dating. Are you both home on the same weekend or weekday morning where you'd normally have some time to sleep in? Perhaps you use a free Saturday morning to schedule sex, then you have lot of time should things actually take off and take a long time to finish. I'm telling you it takes having sex to get sex back on track. If you both re-light the fire so to speak you'll want sex more often.

If either one of you are stressed, maybe at work or with a family member,it's going to effect your sex life. Could you both break away for a long weekend? Stay at a hotel or B&B, getting away might help get you both in the mood if you're away from stress/phones/email and distractions. If an overnight isn't possible at least go on a nice date night. Small budget? Hit the beach or a lake, do a picnic with a nice bottle of wine. Again, no phone/email/tv to distract you, just honest to goodness conversation. Technology can be a huge distraction these days.

I must agree with GilliC to avoid temptation at all costs. First talk to your husband and explain how you feel, tell him you'd like more affection and romance. He might be thinking the same thing, just doesn't want to put in the effort if he thinks you won't enjoy it.