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jen052738

jen052738

   

noffgurl

Ok, I'm not so sure on this coworker thing. I know my H and I would both be upset if each other did this. I could understand telling your parents about the weed and I don't think it would be fair for him to be upset about that. The coworker knowing his issues is not a good thing, I would be upset to, unless maybe that person is a best friend who you have had a good history with for years. I'm torn on the whole lying thing (the coworker part is bad) but the rest seems to hurt him more bringing it all up like this and bringing more up as the days go on seem to do more harm than good. But, there shouldn't have been any lies in the first place.

jen052738

   

jen052738

    

noffgurl

I will never understand why he thinks that, but no I don't it's divorce worthy. Hopefully he just needs a day or two to cool off and then y'all can sit down and have a rational discussion.

jen052738

    

noffgurl

Give him some time to get his head straight and then like I said it might be a day or two you both should be able to talk things over calmly and come up with a plan (that's FAIR to BOTH of you) to make things right.

jen052738

   

noffgurl

I really don't know then. I'm so sorry this is happening, I don't know any other advice I can give.

magsugar13

I think you  are both too  immature to have a successful marriage. I think you were both wrong. I think that HE is making you the bad guy for his behavior. I think that this marriage has o chance because this behavior will continue to repeat itself for years to come.

jen052738

   

Xstatic3333

jen052738

   

RevJen

I still don't get where this is your fault. He's emotionally abusing you and attempting to cut you off from a support network.

The coworker thing isn't really a thing to me. Stand up for yourself and tell him to gtfo until he gets help for his addiction. As long as you're there, you'll be the whipping boy.

magsugar13

jen052738 said:

@magsugar13 - I'm not questioning, just curious for personal growth.  Where is my immaturity here? Going to my parents? All of my confessions?

I think going to  your parent's is just once aspect of it. I think you you allowing him to manilupate the situation is even BIGGER. 

jen052738

   

jen052738

  

short+sassy

Removed at request of OP.

jen052738

 

jen052738

 

jen052738

    

short+sassy

Removed at request of OP.

magsugar13

jen052738 said:

*about the maturity part. I'm fighting 'til the bitter end for the marriage itself. I think we can do this. Dumb faith? possibly.

Well, that is part of the imaturity. Fighting for something good is mature, fighting to stay with a manipulator, who smokes pots (agaisnt your wishes) and then putsa all this issues on you is imature imo.

What marriage are you fighting for?

RevJen

It takes two.  Two to fight for a marriage.  Two to make a marriage.  Two to exist within that marriage.

One person cannot do it alone.  I think your husband has been looking for a way out of this for a while.  And you handed him the key to do it tied in a pretty little bow.  You may want to fight for your marriage but you can't make him want to save it if he's not willing.

And he's not.

Tofumonkey

Here's a few points:

1. Your immaturity. It's shown in how much you rely on your parents, but also in your 'confessions'. These things aren't big huge deals. Your coworker putting his arm around you is not cheating, nor is it even in the realm of inappropriate unless it made YOU feel uncomfortable. As for a person of the opposite gender paying for your drinks, why is that such a big deal at all? And you stayed out two hours after what, your curfew?

2. Why are you two vacationing separately? Lots of couples do it, but it just seems a bit... off in this scenario.

3. Weed makes you mellow, but it also makes you paranoid after long term usage.

4. Your 'lies' are stupid, small, tiny little things that in normal relationships would barely be worth mentioning. 

5. You can't talk to ANYONE about your husband. How the HELL is that not a gigantic red flag? Honey, that flag is so red it is on fire. Like, doused in gasoline and lit up like a street mob protest.

6. He's projecting his issues onto you as a defense mechanism, which is a real dick move. He smokes weed enough to damage your relationship, he controls who you talk to and about what, he freaks out if a person with a penis nudges you, he gets into trouble at HIS work, he ditches family events because HE doesn't want to go and asks you to LIE about it...

And then instead of YOU being ROYALLY PISSED about all of this: he is giving YOU the silent treatment, he is threatening you with divorce, calling you names, calling you a liar, demanding the details of your supposed infidelities, yelling at you and making you feel like crap.

No.

Look. How would you feel if your sister's husband was doing this to her? What would you say to her?

You need to tell him to leave. Straight up, get out of the house. He can come back when:

1. he's no longer smoking weed
2. He agrees to and arranges marital counseling for the two of you

3. He apologizes PROFUSELY for his childish actions toward his WIFE

4. He understands that you deserve and expect his trust
5. He accepts responsibility for his own failings, and is no longer projecting them onto you
6. He accepts that you have people in your life that you talk to, and will continue to do so. If he doesn't want them to know the crappy things he's done he needs to stop doing crappy things.

Get yourself a new therapist that will build up some self esteem - yours is completely shot. Once you have some self-confidence you won't feel the need to run to your parents with everything, and you will be able to deal with the above situations much better.

GilliC

If you really want to save your marriage, you need to go to couples therapy. Plain and simple.

You both need to understand where the other is coming from, and you both need an impartial third party to point out what you each need to change.

And if he refuses to go or wants to quit before everything is sorted out? Then he clearly doesn't want to save the marriage as much as you do, and I'm deeply sorry if that's the case.

jen052738

RevJen

He's not going to change. Are you willing to live in fear and regret for the rest of your life with him?

Good luck to you.

magsugar13

Oh, deleting will help

jen042586

Thanks,

Jen

##NOTE - the way I wrote my initial post made it seem like i was in danger. Not the case. I am totally safe.  ##