How did you know when you were done?

psychgalbride

Harrison is almost 15 months now.  Since he was a C/S, I can consider trying for #3 in a few months.  I am pushing 38.  I have had a lot of miscarriages (PCOS) and Madeline required fertility treatment.  We had always thought we would have two kids.  Part of me thinks I will be pushing my luck to go for #3 considering my age and history of losses.  The other part wants to be pregnant one more time and provide a younger sibling for Harrison.  My husband is all for having a #3.  

Do you ever really feel "done"?  Financially we can handle a third although it will mean we will need to move to a larger home sooner than we had initially planned. 4th bedroom will be in finished basement and obviously I am not sticking a 5/6 year old down there!  

How did you make this decision?

gwennythepooh

For us - we'd always planned on having 2. We had kind of a tentative idea of when we wanted to try again and as we approached that time, we had a  really, really honest discussion. We discussed finances, we discussed health (I had a later term miscarriage/partial molar pregnancy with our first and developed pre-eclampsia with DD), we discussed just the idea of starting over again at the newborn phase. And as we talked, we kind of came to the realization that we were really happy the way things were. We knew that if we ever ended up with a second unplanned, we'd be fine with that and we'd be happy with it, but if we were planning - we were content the way we were. We kind of sat on that for about a year/year and a half, realized that we still felt the same and at that point we opted for DH to get a vasectomy.

Are there times I'd love to have another one? Absolutely! I see a sweet snuggly newborn and definitely feel those pangs. BUT - I'm absolutely at peace with the decision we made. It was the right decision for our family and we both just kind of knew that we were complete. I hope that makes sense! 

egpitt22

I don't know.  Logically, I know we should be done.  I had a hard time with both pregnancies (pre-e with Jake, additional blood pressure issues for half of my pregnancy with Liam, including an induction at 36 weeks 5 days).  We never had a "final number" we had talked about, but I think we kind of settled on two after those issues. After a long discussion at my annual gyno appointment, he pretty much said that while there is of course always the chance that a 3rd would go completely smoothly, there is a higher chance that I'll have the same (if not worse) complications again.  Being on partial bed rest with 1 child was difficult enough, I can't even imagine trying to do it with 2 kids at home.

In my head, I know it's the best thing for us and our family to stop at 2..but my heart doesn't always listen to that, and we find ourselves in discussions about a third. 

So...yeah, I have no answer for you either   I'd like to say with 100% certainty that we are done with 2 because of health concerns, but that wouldn't be honest to say because I think about the possibility of 3 frequently!  We wouldn't need to move, so that is an extra factor that it sounds like you have.  we have 4 bedrooms (all upstairs) and we would most likely just move Jake & Liam into a room together in order to keep a guest room.

rona118

It took us many years to decide about a 2nd baby..... then Julia just sort of happened. I really couldn't imagine our family without her even with starting over (Madi was 5). I know we are done. DH is 40 and I am 38. We are done. Plus even though I know DH would love a third daughter.... I think he also would take the bridge. And I just know we would have another girl. Ha. 

I am actually enjoying getting rid of the baby stuff as we get over a certain phase. The purging feels good.

waltsgirl102503

We always kind of knew we just wanted two kids, that number just fits in to our life.  Like Gwen and her DH, we had an honest talk about things and there were a few factors for us that made the decision to stick with 2 the right one for us.  Finances (we have a small house, daycare, etc), our age (I was 35 when Brody was born and I know I can't handle two close in age, so waiting even 3 years put me much closer to 40.), I had a miscarriage in between Brody and Noah and we didn't want to go through that again.  

I would LOVE to have a daughter and I'll be honest and say I feel like there's a piece of me that will never be complete without one.  BUT, there's no guarantee if I had 12 more babies that any of them will be a girl.  So I do get pangs, especially when I see friends with their daughters going to see Cinderella and I'm going to Monster Truck rallies.  (Don't get me wrong, I love my boys!)  

But for me the pros of not having another baby outweigh the pangs of missing having a baby around or wanting to try for a daughter.  I like being able to leave the house without a diaper bag.  I like that at 40 I'm taking my body back and losing weight and getting in shape.  I like that come September we won't have a giant daycare bill anymore.  I like sleeping all night (most of the time!).  I like snuggling new babies, and handing them back to their moms later. I'm enjoying the freedom of having older kids and now that my youngest is 5, I really can't even imagine doing the baby thing and that's how I know for sure that we are done and happy with our decision.   

And now I'll just focus on being a great MIL someday and loving my daughters in law like the daughters I never had...and keep my fingers crossed for granddaughters to spoil! HA!

egpitt22

Amber-I've had those same pangs before, I completely understand.  And when we've had a discussion about #3, we've always said that if we decide to go for it, it will be because we want a third child, not because we're trying for a girl. You and I will continue to work on taking diligent notes on how to become an awesome MIL!!  

rona118

So well written Amber! 

kris356

People always asked my parents if they kept having kids until they had a boy. :-O 

lala5507

kris356 said:

People always asked my parents if they kept having kids until they had a boy. :-O 

People keep saying that to me because I am having a boy after 2 girls.  Or, "oh you can stop now"...stupid people.

kris356

Well, my parents didn't stop and had two more girls! 

egpitt22

Confession: before I was pregnant, probably even before we were married, I used to say to Brian that I would have babies until we had a girl. 

Then I was pregnant for 9 months, pushed out a baby, and experienced severe sleep deprivation. I think Jake was somewhere around 8 weeks old and I have a distinct memory of turning to Brian after a particularly rough night wiht a fussy Jake and saying, "You know what?  I like boys.  Baby boys are good.  We don't have to keep going until we have a girl". 
:P

gwennythepooh

Amber/Emmy - feel free to come over and play princesses any time   Just ignore the eye rolls and sighs that I get even at age 4. HA!

rona118

gwennythepooh said:

Amber/Emmy - feel free to come over and play princesses any time   Just ignore the eye rolls and sighs that I get even at age 4. HA!

Girl, I still get those at 6. :P Now that she has glasses, she looks at me over the glasses.  I keep thinking what will this be like at 16. Haha.

lishie

I have two boys, but I still took them to see Cinderella :P Bribery of the new frozen movie, a few scenes involving horses, along with popcorn and fruit snacks was all I needed to get my princes to go with me.

I hope that continues to work for a while.

I hated being pregnant so much that I don't think there's any way Steve could convince me to have another.

amyjoy18

DH and I went back and forth for awhile, before deciding that our life is really good right now.  It's getting easier to go places with out lugging so much stuff, and being able to divide our attention on the kids more evenly and not feeling like we're slighting one because of the other one's immediate needs.  I know that if we had a 3rd, we'd get back to this balance, and same thing if we had a 4th, so this isn't a knock or criticism of those who have more, it's more that we just like the way this groove feels.  :-P

So we've decided that DH will get the big V (BC issues for me make this a better choice)--but it hasn't been scheduled yet, and to be honest, despite the fact of agreeing that we're done, I'm really nervous about making it so FINAL--because feelings change.  Circumstances change. 

Before we had DS though, DH and I did talk a lot about what we would do if we had another girl, and I think we probably would have went for a 3rd.  So, for us, I think having one of each helped solidify our decision--it keeps my Type A personality happy.  If we had a number 3, I'd need a number 4 so that things are balanced and equal.

lala5507

this is a tough question.  I don't think I will ever be one of those people who can say 100% without hesitation, "I am done!".
 But, that being said, we have to be done now.  Financially and house space wise, we will be at capacity when #3 gets here.  We decided after much back and forth to go for #3.  Not because we wanted/needed a boy, but just because we like being parents and wanted to expand our family. 

sarahandtim

I feel like we've always just been set on 2. There wasn't a big discussion, but more of a surety that we were good after Ben was born. We both only have 1 sibling, so maybe it's a lot of what we're used to. Our family just feels complete now.

I have slight pangs when I'm selling off baby stuff, but Ben is still not sleeping through the night and just learning to be mobile, so the pangs only last about a second. Haha!

MrsAmers

I’m not sure that my response is very helpful, because I never really wanted a third kid. I mean, if something happened and we had a surprise, we would make room in our lives. But once Todd was born our family felt complete. When Heather was a year old, I knew we weren’t done. Despite being an only child who had no idea what I was getting myself into (ha!), DH and I had talked about having at least two kids and that felt totally right.

For me, the first year of Todd’s life was a complete blur. It felt totally right to have him and I have ZERO regrets, but that was a REALLY hard year. Exhausting. And soon after I had survived it, I was laid off. I went through a lot emotionally in the first two years of his life, and of all the options I considered, a third kid wasn’t among them. There are some days that being a mom is hard for me. I’d love to go home from work, eat some cereal, and spent the rest of the night crafting. After a day of meetings, the introvert in me wants quiet and that’s not possible. I’m not complaining. I love my kids and most days I love being a mom. But I’m also aware of what I have sacrificed to have kids. I’m just starting to get some of it back and the thought of starting all over or even of having a 3 year-old right now is not appealing.

I didn’t hate being pregnant or having an infant, but I definitely prefer this stage of parenting over the beginning stages.

Sometimes we get lucky and the right choice is obvious. Other times, not so much. Good luck!

Meghan&Rich

We always knew we wanted 3 kids, but when the time to try for a third came around, I was kind of dragging my feet because we were in a good spot with both boys (sleeping through the night, etc.) and the idea of a third seemed overwhelming.  I was trying to convince myself that I only wanted 2 kids, and then I realized that I could have gone back and forth about it forever, and we just had to make a final decision.  For me, all of the reasons like sleep, age, etc. just weren't good enough to drive my decision (but I totally get why it does for others!). Ultimately I knew that trying for a third child was right for our family.  Unfortunately trying for our third baby has not gone as planned (to put it lightly). As difficult as that's been, what I've gotten out of it is that we know without a doubt that we want another child.  It is by far one of the hardest things that we have gone through, but if there's anything in life that I would go through something like this for, then it would be for our family. 

Ditto MrsAmers - sometimes you just know, sometimes you have to go through things to find your answer.

Good luck!

denalea

I'm still trying to figure it out....Obviously C is still very small, so in the middle of the night when I am awake (again!) the answer is "DONE DONE DONE!" but there is a part of me that doesn't feel ready to be done yet.  But I'm not sure I would ever feel done...especially not while immersed in cute clothes and baby snuggles (of the non-screaming kind.)

I don't think it helps that lots of others assume we're done because we have one girl and one boy, so "million dollar family."  (NOT that I subscribe to that idea...but more than one person has said that.)

But, I'm getting older (far from decrepit, but still....) and it took a while to have S, and longer to have C...so there is that!  DH always said that he wanted 3 or 4, but shortly after C was born (and not when she was screaming!) he mentioned that he felt done.

So, we're a big ball of "I don't know."  I guess we just wait and see what happens and how we feel down the road!

Anne22202

We have 3. I didn't feel done after 2, and I feel super done now. Like, forget ever having a single more! And for that I am very happy that I am not living with any regrets or pangs. That said, having 3 has been incredibly difficult. It is a quantity of children that is a little too much for me to handle. I absolutely adore every single one of them and can't imagine life without them...but that said it has cured me of wanting more kids. If that makes sense! I think when you know, you know. And I'd rather have too much on my plate than feel like my family isn't complete. But damn, it's hard!

ryanthegirl

Ditto Gwen. We just have G and while we always though we'd have 2, my body had other plans. And I've come to terms with it. I've had several miscarriages, before and after G and the last one (a little over a year ago) was just too emotionally taxing. I was a shell of a person for a few months after and I just cannot go through that again. I know there's no guarantee that it would happen again, but I'm just not willing to risk the possibility. I can't.

Also, I had a very difficult birth. I had a "perfect storm" of complications that almost killed me and while that was not a factor in our decision, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a small bit relieved not to have to worry about that.

My heart hurts sometimes with the thought that G will never have a sibling - but I'm an only child (for many of the same reasons as my own) and I turned out just fine. And I've honestly never wished for a sibling. Casey is 1 of 4 so I think it bums him out that G won't have that type of relationship in his life. 

Best wishes to you!

Luckystar2

We have just 1 andI am also another one whose body kind of made the decision for me. I didn't like pregnancy and dd was a difficult baby so I absolutely knew I was not going to even think about a #2 for a while. A 4 year age gap seemed the best to me but as we approached the time to make a decision I still didn't know. I kept wishing for it to be just decided for me! Well then I started having health issues. I needed to focus on getting that under control. Then I started taking meds for it that I didn't want to be on if pg. it took awhile to be sorted out and by then I just felt like age gap was too big.

I'm still all over the place about it. I don't know that I want another. Like Amy, I like my alone time and being a mom is hard for me.'most days I feel bad at it! I love dd but she is a challenge! I can't imagine starting over at this point and having another one as difficult as her. I also think about what if another kid was even more difficult or had a real disability. I just don't think I could handle that.

Basically I think some people are sure when they are done, some are sure to keep going and then you have the indecisive ones. I Was the last. I made pro and con lists and it really came down to that. My main reason for wanting a another was for dd to ave a sibling. But I have one and we don't get along so a sibling doesn't guarentee a good relationship. I don't feel like my family isn't complete. If my health wouldn't have been an issue I don't know what decision we would have made. It annoys me some that I feel like it was taken out of my hands but I had been wishing for that! I just think I had been wishing to accidentally get pg!

bride2003

We had this discussion between 2 & 3.  We also had a number of losses, two early m/c and loss at 19 weeks +surgery but I knew that our family was not complete with just one.  So after 2 it seemed harder to get & stay pregnant & I was getting older so we decided that if I wasn't pregnant by 40 then we would be good with 2.  I ended up having #3 a few months before I turned 40.  I knew during that last pregnancy that we were done & had my tubes tied after delivery to ensure it.  Although who knows what would have happened if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with #3 but everything just fell into place at that point.  Yes I would love to have more but my age + prior  struggles +exhaustion made the decision pretty easy. 

I sympathize with everyone that goes through this.  My sister had 2 boys and would have loved to have a 3rd+ but her husband said no way.  To this day she still has regrets & I feel for her.  I see small babies now and get so nostalgic, but at this stage of my life could not deal with pregnancy or a newborn. 

Psychalbride - remember on house issues, you don't have to have a room for each one!  We have 4 BR, one is spare room & #3 insists on sleeping with his sisters so we use 2 our of 4 bedrooms! 

psychgalbride

Thank you ladies.  As always you are all a wealth of information.  I am so sorry to hear there seems to be a sisterhood of among us with pregnancy struggles, difficult deliveries, and so many babies taken too soon. 

All of your responses have given me much to think about.  

SPonchette

I have no idea! We just had #3 and I don't feel done yet. This is the first time I don't feel like we NEED to have another though. If it were up to me I'd probably let nature take its course for awhile but hubby won't even entertain a 4th at this point. Logically I know it might make more sense financially to stop now so there's less stress/pressure with having so many kids in private school but I think we can still swing it so it's not a deal breaker. I'm just not sure I'll ever feel like I don't want another...I love being pregnant and having babies in the house.

valkaz

rona118 said:

It took us many years to decide about a 2nd baby..... then Julia just sort of happened. I really couldn't imagine our family without her even with starting over (Madi was 5). I know we are done. DH is 40 and I am 38. We are done. Plus even though I know DH would love a third daughter.... I think he also would take the bridge. And I just know we would have another girl. Ha. 

I am actually enjoying getting rid of the baby stuff as we get over a certain phase. The purging feels good.

I'm pretty much the same as Caron. I didn't know if we'd ever have a 2nd child - though I desperately wanted one. DH was fine with just one, but I REALLY wanted another and I wanted DD to have a sibling.  I always thought I wanted 4 or 5 or 6 kids, but then I got a late start and had 4 miscarriages along the way.

We also sort of "started over" since DD1 was almost 5 1/2 when DD2 was born. (I had 2 miscarriages before both kids.) I don't know that I'd ever not want another, but we are done. DD2 was born a month and a half before I turned 40, and 40 was my self-imposed cut-off. 2 kids also makes the most sense for our family, and I had some pregnancy issues with both (DD1 was a late-term preemie, and I had twice weekly NSTs with DD2.) I wouldn't want to take a risk of something happening to me when I have those 2 little girls who are my world.

allie357

It's funny because from the time I was engaged I always said I only wanted two kids but that certainly changed. After our surprise pregnancy and my miscarriage I had many discussions with T about having another. He was more confident about it than me.We went back and forth about it and we decided to just leave it to chance. We did that for a year and we had just decided to give up when I got pregnant with C. And now that he is here my family feels complete and my tubes are tied. The only thing that irks me is that I constantly get comments about it not being even and that I should have had four kids.

northhillsbride

Hey ladies! For us, as we joke, none of our 3 were really "planned". I always had said I wanted 2-3 boys (and only boys), and here I am with the 3 Amigos!

After Conall, I was on the fence for about a year - he was a rough baby with sleeping but I thought I could go for one more child. Once about 13 months set in, I thought about it and realized that I was completely comfortable being a family of 4. I started to focus on me at that point and in making myself healthy.

Of course, as nature would have it, I got pregnant abut 18 months after I made that decision and ended up pregnant again. Thankfully, Sean was the easiest baby of my 3 bc I spent 9 months trying to will myself to accept that I was having another child. Even the first few months with him... while I bonded with him, I was still feeling selfish.

Fast forward to now, 2.5 yrs later... I am so content with my boys. Sean is in the full throws of 2-hood (he is the WORST TODDLER) and I feel over extended most days, between 3 different ages / hormones, starting a new job last month, and still adjusting to a new State (while we never lived near family, our friends in Pgh were our family!). Other factors included DH's schedule (he works nights), age (I'm 40), finances (OMG daycare and summer camp bills!), and just the sheer cost of flying to Ireland with everyone when we want to visit.

Also, while DH would be open to a 4th if it were to happen, and I know I sometimes long for a little girl... But I also know our marriage is stressful and fragile enough as it is that adding another baby to the mix would not be a good thing.

He ended up getting vasectomy in January, which he struggled with bc it was an "end of his legacy". (I gave him 3 boys, I think his legacy is safe for awhile!) I offered to have my tubes tied, but with a longer recovery and such for me, he opted to have the procedure done.

I think that, if you're still tossing around the notion, then don't table the idea just yet. Maybe set aside for another 3-6 months (or whatever your cut-off time in your head would be) and then re-visit it. Also, talking out pros and cons will help you weigh out the decision.

Good luck with your decision! Babies are definitely a blessing, albeit expensive and exhausting ones at times!