Not-so-newlywed, husband is over it..

tizbo1423

Hi all, looking for some words of wisdom from any ladies who have found themselves in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married and living together for just under 2 of those years. Being together for so long, we have clearly run out of things to talk about. We have completely different jobs, don't share a ton of similar interests, but get along very well and always have a good time with each other, and until a few months ago, had what I would consider a good sex life (about once a week). I have noticed that my husband had been treating me like on of his buddies, I would bring it up to him and he would tell me that I was being silly, and that just because he doesn't always have news to tell me, or doesn't always want to cuddle doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Well, turns out he indeed has fallen out of love with me and decided to tell me about 2 weeks ago that he just doesn't have any feelings for me. He has said that he is unhappy with our marriage, claims to have no complaints about me as a person or wife, but does find every thing I do to be annoying - because he has let this feeling fester instead of him for a while now and I'm sure is harboring some resentment - which is will not confess to me. He's an awful communicator, by the way. 

So, naturally my first reaction was not good. Lots of sadness, lots of crying, lots of asking why, but he has no answers for me, just continues to say "I wish it was the way it was before" and doesn't have much hope or desire to get back to that point. I have asked him to try some things (everything from doing new exciting things with me to get the "spark" back, writing out what he is grateful for, contemplating if there is another area in his life that is also bothering him, have even asked if he wanted to take a break from each other), he refuses to do any of them. I have asked him to speak to someone other than me about it, but he is not comfortable doing that either. I am trying to keep strong, give him space, and not do anything that will annoy him (even though he doesn't tell me what exactly annoys him, it seems to just be everything). But, I am getting very, very frustrated and now angry with him for not trying to work towards putting us back together. 

With all that said... help! Has anyone been in this situation or have any advice on how I should handle this? I love him with everything I've got, this is all I think about and I just want to make him realize that he didn't stick it out for 10 years with someone he didn't love - something he seems to have forgotten.

joleri23

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful. My advice always seems to be the same, regardless of circumstance, but it's because it's something I firmly believe in: counseling. If he's not willing to go on his own, go anyway. Go by yourself and work this out with a professional. It WILL help, even if he's not seeking help. A good counselor will help you figure out what you can do in this situation, with or without him. Good luck, and hugs!

aboxofchocolates

I wish I had some sort of amazing advice for you but I don't. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you are going through this, it sucks. Has your feelings towards him changed at all?

englishtrish1

Did anything else change around this time? A new job, loss in the family, new responsibilities? Is your DH going out more with his buds? One of the best therapists I have ever had as a colleague used to say , when someone tells you they don't love you anymore, you should listen to them. Even if he won't go to therapy I strongly recommend that you do.

tizbo1423

Thank you for your kind words and replies! 

He has started a new job that he was very stressed over, but he says that is not what is causing his feelings (or lack there of) towards me, and now actually is his happiest when he's at work.

He is not going out more with his friends, actually he seems to have been talking to them less - again, doesn't claim that it's anything else other than me.

All that I've read says that I need to not mention it - he asks me to not talk about it, but it is so, SO, hard to just sit here in my own home and my husband is awkward and can't even look at me - so I usually can't hold back and bring it up. Fingers crossed him talking to someone about it (since he won't talk to me) will help. 

I have been trying to get him to go to counseling, but he refuses. We fight over this every day, and today I finally got him to go speak with his mother, who he is close to and respects. I'm hoping she will help him figure this out, and reinforce my points that we need to do something to move past this, not just stay stagnant on the couch feeling awkward with each other. I am really hoping she doesn't just say to drop me like a bad habit. 

englishtrish1

Even if he won't go, you need to go and get help processing this. He has all the control right now, you need to have a safe place to go and a safe person to talk to

Samboni

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wonder what's happened in the week or so since you posted. It sounds like an affair may be happening. Not necessarily physical. If things seemed great and then POOF, then you're missing a piece of the puzzle. I would secure the finances, check phone and computer, and talk to a lawyer. All quietly for now. You need to be prepared for him to bail, and you do not want to be ccaught with no money and no proof of what's going on. Sorry to sound like a downer but this is suuuper suspicious, and I'm giving you the non-emotional things to consider. Sounds like typical immature behavior-pushing you away until you give up and throw in the towel. Then he's not the "bad guy." BS. Get things in order, document everything, then start pushing to know what's going on with him. If all checks out and things are just fizzling, then you've only lost a little time checking. Get someone to talk to. Surround yourself with people who care for you. If he is being unkind and is "done" then only let him stay long enough for you to get a handle on the situation. Dont waste a ton of your life begging someone to love you and stay married to you. It's sad, but sometimes there is nothing you can do. Please keep us posted. Best wishes.

janined22

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, it is very hard.  Sometimes when you have been together for a long time you tend to get on each other's nerves.  I have been with my husband for 6 years now and for 6 years the first time we were married (we were divorced for 8 yrs) and I can tell you from experience that last year I felt as if I didn't love him anymore, everything little thing he did bothered me and I would get annoyed just looking at him.  He noticed and became distant and started hanging out more with his brother and was hardly at home and then I missed him and noticed that I was acting that way because I was stressed at work and was stressed with my family and in some way was taking it out on him.  When I saw that I was losing him I snapped right back into gear and put my relationship back together because I really do love him and I love him even more now.

Maybe you should stop making yourself so available for him, don't question him anymore.  Go out enjoy yourself with friends and go to counseling.  Go about your business and act as if he isn't there.  If he still loves you deep inside his heart he will come looking for you, if he doesn't then there is nothing more that you can do but let him go.

Hope this helps.

tizbo1423

Hi everyone, thanks again for your advice and help so far. Things have not gotten better, at all. Still no answers from him, he just keeps reminding me that he just doesn't feel like he loves me, doesn't want to spend any time with me, doesn't even want to look at me, and yesterday told me ideally we would be living separately. He says that he doesn't like being married, he feels stuck, and would never want to get married again. I asked him if maybe he is just having delayed "cold feet" after the fact that we're married, and he said it's a possibility, he still has no complaints about me, just knows that he's not happy and wants to be alone. Also still swears there is no other woman. 

I've gone from sad to angry, jumping back and forth between the two each day, even each hour. I am embarrassed that I am fighting so hard for someone who has said some pretty hurtful things to me in the last few weeks, for someone who doesn't have an ounce of care left for me, or fighting for us and our relationship. 

I've left him alone, I don't text/call him unless he does first, so we maybe say 4 words to each other in a day. I don't ask him questions, I've been going about my business. But he still seems to find things to hate me for, and has spent a few nights on the couch, and one night at his mothers. 

He brought up the idea of him moving out, and I didn't know how to respond. Of course I don't want him gone, but maybe that's what needs to happen. I often feel pretty hopeless about all this and question every move I make, as I can't seem to do anything "right." 

This turned into a much longer post than I intended, thank you for giving me the space to vent. 

englishtrish1

My heart weeps for you, this must be so painful. One piece of your post caught my eye " he still seems to find things to hate me for" that is a strong statement, it's almost as if he is looking for reasons to go. As hard as this is when people tell you they don't love you or even that they hate you, listen to them and show them the door.

Samboni

You REALLY need to do your research on him. Lock down the money (let him finance his new life on new money), check his phone, and the history on the computers. I don't condone snooping on husbands, but I do condone gathering info for your divorce case. At this point, you need to morph some of your hurt into anger so that you can see this from all angles. Protect yourself. Again, I'm really sorry for you.

short+sassy

I just wanted to send out my condolences.  The best thing for both of you is for him to move out and you all have a trial separation.  I know that is not what you want.  I know you would work hard to make your marriage work.  But the harsh reality is, it takes two people to work on a marriage and he has already said he does not want to.

With a trial separation, the best case scenario is he will miss you and/or figure out what his own internal struggles are and he will then be willing to try and work things out with you.

The worst case scenario is he will realize a divorce is exactly what he wants.  But, really...if that turns out to be the inevitability, why drag things out?  The longer you are in "limbo", the more torturous it will be for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  And I agree with the other PPs to make sure your finances are in order and you have some reserves.  Don't be so broken-hearted and distracted that he is able to run up the credit cards and clean out the bank accounts.  Not saying he is the kind of person to do that, but you never know.  

natcat11

So this is kind of an oldish post, I realize that, but I feel compelled to respond to it. I acted the EXACT same way towards my exhusband when I was having emotional affairs with men from work and eventually got to the point where I told him everything your dh has said and I left him for another man. I can't say for sure that's what your dh has going on, but it mirrored the end of my previous marriage completely. I am really sorry you're going through this, and I agree with pp's, counselling for yourself would be most beneficial. Stay strong.

TarponMonoxide

Such a poor communicator but the sad and sorry chappie didn't have any trouble telling you this:

Well, turns out he indeed has fallen out of love with me and decided to tell me about 2 weeks ago that he just doesn't have any feelings for me. He has said that he is unhappy with our marriage, claims to have no complaints about me as a person or wife, but does find every thing I do to be annoying - because he has let this feeling fester instead of him for a while now and I'm sure is harboring some resentment - which is will not confess to me. He's an awful communicator, by the way. 

This is bad news.

You might as well file for divorce because when you hear a sob story like this, the guy's got a lady waiting in the wints for him.

And everything you do is annoying?

That will include his receiving divorce papers.:)  Pity for him.

Protect your assets and make sure he cannot access them -- be safe rather than sorry. Get your financial ducks in a row and when you do, file.

Get tested, also. It's a sure fire bet this affair he's had has been going on for awhile. Sorry for your troubles. 

Let him stick this, too:

Hi everyone, thanks again for your advice and help so far. Things have not gotten better, at all. Still no answers from him, he just keeps reminding me that he just doesn't feel like he loves me, doesn't want to spend any time with me, doesn't even want to look at me, and yesterday told me ideally we would be living separately. He says that he doesn't like being married, he feels stuck, and would never want to get married again. I asked him if maybe he is just having delayed "cold feet" after the fact that we're married, and he said it's a possibility, he still has no complaints about me, just knows that he's not happy and wants to be alone. Also still swears there is no other woman. 

TarponMonoxide

Whether or not he's got a woman in the wings, he has made it clear he does not wish to be married.

And when a guy tells you that, know the score of the ballgame.

Counseling won't help. He will not go, most lilkely -- he has made up his mind that he wants out. And if he wants out why should he get counseling with you?

Don't be insulted one second longer. Do what's right for yourself.

Why do you suppose you and he got married when you did? Did you do it because "it's what comes next" and everyone expected it?

It could very well be this relationship has run its course for him and in which case, he should legally opt out of this marriage. Why is he bothering to play mind games with you?