Dealing With Addiction

BR1990

My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years. About 3-4 months into our marriage he became addicted to pain medication for his chronic back pain. After confronting him, he finally admitted it and we agreed to work through it. After 5 months and a failed detox and outpatient program, I filed for separation. He doesn't qualify for inpatient programs because of other medication he takes.
That motivated him for a few months and we tried some couples therapy, but he relapsed again around the time he lost his job. We agreed to have him move back home to stay with his parents and around all his friends and family (to support and also keep an eye on him) but he relapsed again.
A lot of his extended family has gone through addiction. Some have succeeded and some are still struggling. I want to support him, but feel like I'm out of answers with what to do. And I'm so paranoid now due to the obvious trust issues.
I have filed for divorce; papers are being sent to him and he knows this. But a lot of me is still invested in figuring out how to get him help to make this work. The person underneath the addict is sweet and smart, but he's stuck in the shadows.
There's a lot to fix- the addiction, the trust, the medical bill debt and him finding a job. He's been working hard the last 2 months to stay sober and work on his debt, but I'm unsure what to do now...
Thoughts?

englishtrish1

Find an Alanon group, even though he is not an alcoholic it will help you tremendously. I'm going to hazard a guess that the other medication is either a benzo or another drug that can be addictive, if that's the case he, not you, should look at other inpatient programs, most are moving past the model of giving everything up .

short+sassy

I really feel for you.  It must be so heartbreaking to watch the man you love trying and trying to get better, but keeps failing.

Addiction is so ugly and there is more and more research that it is also very genetic.

And I especially feel bad for addicts like your husband.  It's not like he chose to have that first try of crack or meth and then became addicted to an illegal substance.  He had an injury, bad enough that legal painkillers were prescribed to him, and then became addicted to those.  Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for all drug addicts and think they all deserve better...I'm just especially sympathetic to the ones who didn't start off doing the wrong thing.

With that said, it is totally understandable if you are at the end of your rope for this marriage and need to divorce him for your own sanity.  It's nothing to feel guilty about and there are a lot of good reasons to end things.  And, as long as you are both emotionally up for it,, there is also no reason you cannot continue to be an emotionally supportive person in his life.  If not now, then maybe in the future.

The sad thing is, even if he stays sober for many years, there will always be the possibility he could relapse. 

dutchgirl76

I'm so sorry to hear this and I applaud your courage, many people don't walk away from addiction for their own sake. The only things I can tell YOU to do is Al-Anon and Counseling, one on one counseling. I grew up in a household of addition and only recently learned how badly it has effected me. In some areas Al-Anon has meetings almost every day of the week. It can be hard to understand at first so ask for a beginners meeting, there might even be someone nice enough to walk you through it. Don't be afraid to say you're new to the program. You don't even have to talk, some people find help in just listening. There are books you can borrow from them to better understand "the program" as I found it took a long time to grasp the concept.

The individual counseling helped me a lot. Most insurance will cover a certain number of visits per year without any questions. You have to talk about what you're going through and learn coping techniques before you get the "isms" of addiction. No one has to know you're in counseling (although I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.) 

If your spouse hasn't tried AA or NA I would suggest he try that. I have a SIL who's overcome addiction and much of her success has been NA, she still goes after years of sobriety. It doesn't work for everyone, but it sounds like your husband is open to trying anything that will help him.

I don't know if you're spiritual, but prayer may help. A big part of Al-Anon and AA is finding a higher power (doesn't have to be any specific religion) to help guide you through this awful journey. Some people find a new family in their church, even if those folks don't know what's going on in your personal life it's nice to have support.

Finally, don't ever feel guilty for getting a divorce. I obviously don't know you but I can tell your a strong person. You'll hear stories in Al-Anon of people who took a long journey through addiction only to end up in the same place you are. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him without burning yourself out. You don't cause it and you can't change it.

I wish I could tell you more. I wish you peace and hope you eventually find a balance that allows you to stay friends.

Erikan73

Another vote for you to find a Al-Anon group so that you can talk to others who have and are going through what you are going through and how they deal with it. You obviously still care for him else you would just walk away. Even if you do go through with the divorce, finding an Al-Anon group can still be helpful with helping to deal with the emotions you are going through. Good luck!!